My good friend is in the middle of a somewhat messy divorce. They have a 6 year old son and 2 year old daughter that they’re fighting over custody for.
My fiancé and I live a couple hours away from them. We have a 2 year old daughter and I’m 7 months pregnant with another girl. My friend visits me with the kids every 1-2 months. My fiancé and I live on a few acres with a pool and some chickens. Our neighbor has dogs for the kids to play with and a horse that they’ve gotten to ride a couple times so the kids always love visiting.
My friend’s ex husband reached out to me a couple months ago and said he booked a trip to Mexico with his girlfriend and since the kids always talk about how much fun it is to stay with us, he wants to know if I can keep them for his week. Additionally, he’ll need care for 4 days out of his next week with his kids because of some golf thing.
I told him I’ll be 8 months by then and it might be too much to keep both kids. He asked if I could at least take the 2 year old if he could find some kind of sleep away camp for the 6 year old. The man even included screenshots for a 5 day camp the week he’s in Mexico and a 3 day camp for the golf thing. I suggested he reach out to his ex and ask about switching weeks but he said he didn’t want to leave them with her because it was his week.
At that point I chose to stop responding and I sent screenshots to my friend of our entire conversation. He had already been very close to having his custody reduced so that had been the final thing to take him from 50/50 to every other weekend. He’s been texting me saying I screwed him over, if I didn’t want to help him out with the kids I should’ve said so, and I didn’t have to report to his ex wife.
My fiancé thinks I should’ve given him a heads up before going to my friend so he could potentially find some other solution but my friend is grateful that she was able to get more time with the kids and that they won’t constantly be with random babysitters.
Now I’m torn if sending the screenshots was the right decision.
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My good friend is in the middle of a somewhat messy divorce. They have a 6 year old son and 2 year old daughter that they’re fighting over custody for.
My fiancé and I live a couple hours away from them. We have a 2 year old daughter and I’m 7 months pregnant with another girl. My friend visits me with the kids every 1-2 months. My fiancé and I live on a few acres with a pool and some chickens. Our neighbor has dogs for the kids to play with and a horse that they’ve gotten to ride a couple times so the kids always love visiting.
My friend’s ex husband reached out to me a couple months ago and said he booked a trip to Mexico with his girlfriend and since the kids always talk about how much fun it is to stay with us, he wants to know if I can keep them for his week. Additionally, he’ll need care for 4 days out of his next week with his kids because of some golf thing.
I told him I’ll be 8 months by then and it might be too much to keep both kids. He asked if I could at least take the 2 year old if he could find some kind of sleep away camp for the 6 year old. The man even included screenshots for a 5 day camp the week he’s in Mexico and a 3 day camp for the golf thing. I suggested he reach out to his ex and ask about switching weeks but he said he didn’t want to leave them with her because it was his week.
At that point I chose to stop responding and I sent screenshots to my friend of our entire conversation. He had already been very close to having his custody reduced so that had been the final thing to take him from 50/50 to every other weekend. He’s been texting me saying I screwed him over, if I didn’t want to help him out with the kids I should’ve said so, and I didn’t have to report to his ex wife.
My fiancé thinks I should’ve given him a heads up before going to my friend so he could potentially find some other solution but my friend is grateful that she was able to get more time with the kids and that they won’t constantly be with random babysitters.
Now I’m torn if sending the screenshots was the right decision.
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> I might be the asshole because I sent screenshots to his ex wife without giving him a chance to find a better solution which resulted in his custody being reduced
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. He wasn’t asking you for a casual favor, he was trying to outsource parenting during his custody time and sneak the kids into a camp while he went on vacation
NTA. He was trying to use his parenting time to go on vacation and dump his kids on other people. That’s not co-parenting, that’s avoidance. You did the right thing by telling their mother
He’s not losing custody over this. If he lost custody there are other issues in play. Arranging childcare is not a lose your custody issue.
How well do you know him? If well, you should have told him he was pushing too hard and to stop.
But none of this makes sense.
NTA. He didn’t want time with his kids, he just didn’t want to pay child support. He deserved to be told on.
NTA. He walked right into it. Did he expect you to lie and not tell your friend you had her children?
NTA
Yep, because sneaking around behind your ex’s back really shows off how much you put your children first. It sounds like he was trying to use you to trick his ex into thinking he had physical custody of his kids.
He’s also stupid, thinking that you wouldn’t tell *your friend* about anything that affects her and her children. Note the attempt to put the responsibility for keeping his secrets on you. You have no obligation to him to conceal from your friend his attempts to farm off his children. If he got reduced custody, it’s because of *his* actions and you were right to call them out.
NTA – you’re her friend and remain close to her since they are separation. He should’ve expected that you would have told her about this.
He never told you to keep it a secret from her and if he had you probably would’ve said that you wouldn’t do that
So he has no leg to stand on.
If he was that close to losing 50-50, that’s not your fault
I don’t see why he couldn’t have negotiated with his wife to switch weeks.
I guess if she played hardball and wouldn’t do it, then he would be stuck, but again that’s not your problem
If he wanted to hide this from her, he should not have called you
NTA. He didn’t want to leave the kids with his ex, because it was “his week.” Yet, he didn’t actually want to take the kids on his week. Why does he even want 50/50 custody? He certainly doesn’t seem overly invested in parenting. And in what universe did he think that his ex wouldn’t find out that he was trying to palm off the kids on others? The only asshole in this situation is daddy dearest.
NTA, but you have effectively nuked the relationship between you and him, as well as severely damaged the relationship between your husband and him.
while i think reaching out to the ex wife was your perogative, why they are divorcing, how messy has the divorce gotten and is the ex trying to get custody for other reasons than child safety?
NTA: Your actions were totally reasonable. I’d even go farther and say they were necessary. The priority in this has to be the kids’ wellbeing and that requires transparency between both parents in the difficult moments. So, while it wasn’t your responsibility to do that transparency (it was his), doing the transparency was good. Also, I’m sure his divorce attorney talked about these precise issues with him (probably) multiple times. So, this is just someone processing some anger at the situation and he’s directing a little your way.
NTA. He could’ve taken a trip the week he isn’t with the kids. If that was the only week possible, he needs to be a man and work something out with the mother.
If he’s willing to send a 6 year old to camp and a 2 year old to friends, just so he can get laid and play golf, he does not have his kids best interest at heart, and the mother should definitely be notified.
NTA. He wasn’t asking for a babysitting favor, he was trying to offload his entire custody time while actively hiding it from their mum. That’s not co-parenting, that’s dodging responsibility
I doubt he lost custody for this. Unless there is existing agreement that kids must go to the other parent, putting them into camp or having babysitters is allowed.
I will always thank people that are genuinely looking after my children but especially if they are minors- that’s a good thing
I think you ought to see if you can change your guys perspective that- the children are who need to be protected, not an adult
Plus she is your friend, you aren’t his friend. You are being her friend so I didn’t understand your guys thought process
I did read that she is your friend, not him, right?
NTA
NTA. Can you imagine what would happen to those kids if he has some with his new girlfriend?
NTA – regardless of their issues, you have to do whats best for the kids. the other parent should have first dibs to take their kids (especially at 2!). he should have swittched or planned his trip on his week off. thats his bad
NTA. You absolutely can’t hide from your friend that her kids are staying with you. She has every right to know where her children are and who they’re with.
NTA, she’s your friend. He’s clearly not as you don’t refer to him as such. The loyalty lays with your friend, and you don’t want to be involved in their drama.
If he lost custody over it, there is 100% more to that story than just he didn’t want to ask to swap weeks around with her.
NTA you did right by the children, which is what matters.
NTA. He wanted to eat his cake and have it too. The only reason a guy like that wants 50/50 custody is so he doesn’t have to pay much child support. IF he truly cared about his kids, he wouldn’t be planning other things on his week with them and trying to outsource their care. The only AH here is him.
NTA.
He wanted you to be an accomplice to his shitty, neglectful parenting.
You telling facts to the children’s caring parent helped to keep them safe and gave them a better life by giving them more time with their loving and responsible parent.
NTA. I don’t understand people who fight for custody, then plan things during their time with the kids. If something comes up that you can’t change, then ask to switch weeks or whatever with the other parent.
This guy had obviously already done things to threaten his custody time with the kids. It’s not your fault that he decides to do yet another thing that would reduce his time.
NTA – He doesn’t want the kids, just doesn’t want his wife to have them out of spite. You definitely did the right thing.
NTA. The guy just wants to reduce child support, he doesn’t want to parent. He got (and will get) exactly what he deserves.
This man is just realizing that in order to parent, it is going to affect his ability to ‘play’ and he wants no part of it. When you parent, you cannot just go off to Mexico with your girlfriend and off to play golf when you want. If the custody was for every other week, ALL his extra curriculars that are not for kids need to be done on the week he doesn’t have them. He failed to understand that. And the fact that he was upset you shared his thought process and plans with his ex screams that he knows it is wrong, but he doesn’t care.
NTA in fact, you helped ensure the kids will be better taken care of now.
NTA
Why are you even speaking to this loser deadbeat Dad. Your loyalty is to your friend and she would have found out anyways and it would have been bad if it wasn’t from you and you knew.
Tell your husband he should be 100% backing you up and not even for a second defending that guy. You don’t lose custody over nothing, he’s just not a good parent.
You did the right thing. He is a waste of space. Well done. Nta.
You are NTA here. This man was fighting for 50/50 but was going to Mexico on HIS week?!?!? WTH!!! He could have easily changed his vacation plans but no, let’s dump the kids on someone else. This is entirely his fault. Good on you for letting his ex know about this. The children need to be with a parent especially since their lives are being disrupted by the divorce.
Sometimes people fight for custody they don’t really want just because they want to win, and they want to hurt their ex. Also I think asking a woman who 8 months pregnant to look after your kids for a week is a dick move. A woman about to give birth should be a care receiver, not a care giver.
This is weird, why are you communicating with your friend’s ex husband?
NTA
He is an idiot to ask his ex-wife’s friend to babysit. He is a selfish prick that doesn’t deserve time with his kids. Planning vacations on his parenting time, then trying to pawn them off on an extremely pregnant woman that already has a toddler. I’m sure it is all about the money for him. So now he can pay more child support. I feel so sorry for your friend, I’m sure he was a terrible husband.
NTA. He needs to grow up.
NTA- the dad’s an asshole