I (late 20s) recently moved with my spouse to a new state. Part of the reason was health-related (my spouse struggles with the climate where we were), but it was also a lifestyle change—and honestly, I was excited because one of my closest, long-term friends lives here. Let’s call her A.
We’ve been friends for nearly a decade. I’ve flown out to visit her, we’ve rerouted trips just to see her during layovers. She sends thoughtful holiday cards and Christmas gifts—always addressed to both me and my spouse. She was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my wedding (which was canceled due to COVID). It always felt like a real, close friendship.
When we visited her last Christmas, we had a blast. It felt just like old times—laughing, dancing, no awkwardness. So when we moved, I was genuinely looking forward to spending more time together.
But… after the move, things felt off. No more Snapchat streaks (we had a long one), no replies to messages, and she stopped sending TikToks altogether—something we used to do daily. Then I saw she went to a concert 20 minutes from where we live and never mentioned it. That kind of stung—not because I wanted an invite, but because she didn’t even say “hey, I’ll be nearby!”
For context, I’m not usually super emotional in friendships—I’m very “stoic,” and I usually let things roll off. But I’ve been working on being more open, and I trust her, so I decided to be honest. I wrote her a long message saying I’d noticed the distance, that I missed her, and I was feeling kind of hurt and confused. I said if the friendship wasn’t as important to her anymore, I’d rather know than keep wondering.
She responded by saying she had always worried this would happen. That she didn’t want to be “the reason” we moved here. That she’s busy juggling other friends, family, and work, and that maybe we could hang out every couple months. She said we’re more like “traveling friends” and didn’t want to feel pressure to see us just because we live nearby.
This totally blindsided me. Her response felt cold and way more detached than I expected—especially from someone who has always come off as warm, thoughtful, and invested. I genuinely considered her my best friend.
So now I feel kind of dumb for being honest.
AITA for telling someone I thought was my best friend… that they were my best friend?
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I (late 20s) recently moved with my spouse to a new state. Part of the reason was health-related (my spouse struggles with the climate where we were), but it was also a lifestyle change—and honestly, I was excited because one of my closest, long-term friends lives here. Let’s call her A.
We’ve been friends for nearly a decade. I’ve flown out to visit her, we’ve rerouted trips just to see her during layovers. She sends thoughtful holiday cards and Christmas gifts—always addressed to both me and my spouse. She was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my wedding (which was canceled due to COVID). It always felt like a real, close friendship.
When we visited her last Christmas, we had a blast. It felt just like old times—laughing, dancing, no awkwardness. So when we moved, I was genuinely looking forward to spending more time together.
But… after the move, things felt off. No more Snapchat streaks (we had a long one), no replies to messages, and she stopped sending TikToks altogether—something we used to do daily. Then I saw she went to a concert 20 minutes from where we live and never mentioned it. That kind of stung—not because I wanted an invite, but because she didn’t even say “hey, I’ll be nearby!”
For context, I’m not usually super emotional in friendships—I’m very “stoic,” and I usually let things roll off. But I’ve been working on being more open, and I trust her, so I decided to be honest. I wrote her a long message saying I’d noticed the distance, that I missed her, and I was feeling kind of hurt and confused. I said if the friendship wasn’t as important to her anymore, I’d rather know than keep wondering.
She responded by saying she had always worried this would happen. That she didn’t want to be “the reason” we moved here. That she’s busy juggling other friends, family, and work, and that maybe we could hang out every couple months. She said we’re more like “traveling friends” and didn’t want to feel pressure to see us just because we live nearby.
This totally blindsided me. Her response felt cold and way more detached than I expected—especially from someone who has always come off as warm, thoughtful, and invested. I genuinely considered her my best friend.
So now I feel kind of dumb for being honest.
AITA for telling someone I thought was my best friend… that they were my best friend?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Tell a friend that she was my best friend… which pressured her to have to hang out with me, apparently.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
How do you know her?
Sounds like you somehow misinterpreted your friendship or something else is going on.
I don’t fly out to see people I’m not close friends with or send them Xmas gifts….
I’m sorry, this situation sucks
Has she rerouted trips to see YOU? Has she come to visit YOU? It almost feels one sided; a convenience to her more than anything. I’m sorry, OP, this situation sucks. Part of me wants to say maybe there’s a larger issue in her life that has nothing to do with you, but I can’t be certain. Enjoy your new city!
Edit: spelling
NTA,
“not wanting to be the reason you moved there” is reasonable. But the Snapchat streak, and the lack of communication is a choice.
You should message her and explain that you didn’t move there for her, you moved for x and y reasons. You had simply hoped to have a friend nearby and that her reaction was wholly unexpected and hurtful.
The fact that she may graciously allow you in her esteemed presence once every couple of months, would be the final straw for me. But be prepared that she may just stop being your friend at all. And people like her, who think that their time is more valuable than yours, do not like to be told that they are bad friends.
NTA, sometimes we don’t always get what we give. That’s how you know you’re in a special friendship. When the times of high communication and low communication come with nothing but understanding and encouragement.
The way she let you down was almost as if you are an inconvenience. If I thought someone was a special friend I would’ve told them that I was super busy with life but I want to reconnect and set up the next friend date. Always get it on the calendar otherwise sometimes planning just doesn’t come together.
NTA. You showed vulnerability and she repaid that with indifference. Some people pull away when they sense others getting too close for comfort. None of that is your fault. I don’t know if I would’ve considered that person my best friend, but I’d say least have thought them a decent one who’d keep up a level of interaction that’s historically normal. And if I was in your shoes, I’d feel a little hurt too.