I (27f) have a bestfriend (27f) who got married recently. It was an outdoors wedding in the middle of the day on the westcoast. During the reception portion, she was sweaty and her armpits smelled. I discreetly tell her, since that’s what we usually do for each other. Before she married her husband (28m), she had got mad at him one time because he didn’t warn her that she smelled when they went to a fancy event.
She excused herself. I had smelled my own pits so I excused myself as well to freshen up. When I returned she was back, and she smelled great again. I thought I did good. When she got back from her honeymoon, she told me I made her self-conscious for the rest of the wedding. She said I made her feel bad, and she said she’s mad at me for ruining her big day. Am I the asshole ?
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I (27f) have a bestfriend (27f) who got married recently. It was an outdoors wedding in the middle of the day on the westcoast. During the reception portion, she was sweaty and her armpits smelled. I discreetly tell her, since that’s what we usually do for each other. Before she married her husband (28m), she had got mad at him one time because he didn’t warn her that she smelled when they went to a fancy event.
She excused herself. I had smelled my own pits so I excused myself as well to freshen up. When I returned she was back, and she smelled great again. I thought I did good. When she got back from her honeymoon, she told me I made her self-conscious for the rest of the wedding. She said I made her feel bad, and she said she’s mad at me for ruining her big day. Am I the asshole ?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged is telling the bride that her armpits smell on her wedding day since I was the maid-of-honor.
That action might make me the asshole because after my friend got back from her honeymoon, she told me I had made her self-conscious for the rest of the wedding. She said I made her feel bad, and she said she’s mad at me for ruining her big day. She is still angry with me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
I’m sure that she was self conscious for the rest of the wedding, but you still did the right thing by having an awkward conversation that benefited her.
Oh boy. This is a damned if you do / damned if you don’t situation. The bride should be more self-aware – would doing the opposite (saying nothing, and letting her smell bad all day) have been better? Of course not.
You were discreet and protected her privacy and more than anything helped her fix it.
Most definitely NTA.
NTA – I’d be mad if my best friend DIDN’T tell me she could smell me.
NTA.
if my maid of honour didn’t tell me i smelled during my literal wedding, i think i’d be pissed lol.
Obviously NTA , it’s the correct thing to do for someone you care for and it’s only for their good !
How to order is when bacteria meets sweat. She obviously did not wash
you did the right thing she is a smelly ass.
NTA…That’s exactly the kind of thing a good friend and a maid of honour should do.
NTA. If it were me I would have wanted to know. She may be slightly embarrassed and deflecting it onto you. Just remain respectful and she will forgive you.
NTA.
NTA. you did the right thing..imagine if she heard it from other people..the horror.
NAH – If this is something you normally do for each other, I understand the instinct to keep that up, especially since she’s been dissapointed about being unaware in the past.
However, her wedding day is an extremely important moment and has to be handled with caution. In my opinion, any percieved problem that won’t show up in pictures isn’t worth mentioning. So I think both people acted justifiably.
edit: meant to put NAH
NTA, I thought this was the kind of thing MOH’s were supposed to do?
Would she have preferred to have smelled like onions for the rest of her wedding and not realize it?
NTA. Looks like it’s a damned if you do and damned if you don’t since she’s probably also be upset if she saw people wrinkling their noses at her or someone told her not so discreetly.
NTA you did exactly what a maid of honour and good friend should do, let her know discretely so she could duck away and take care of it before someone else noticed. Only thing I might have done differently is reassure her later on during the wedding so she isn’t self conscious about it.
NTA.You were trying to be helpful.
NTA. “What do you want me to do in that circumstance? If you’d rather I ignore it and allow you to be ignorant of it, I will. If you’d rather I tell you and give you the opportunity to address it, I will. You cannot have both.”
NTA
Nta and maybe for special events she needs to start wearing that prescription strength stuff
I’d be mad if you didn’t tell me! I want to know if I smell, have something in my teeth, my makeup isn’t blended. Definitely NTA.
NTA but this seems like a no win situation. She was going to be upset either way.
If it were me, I’d want to know. She might have been self conscious but at least she smelled better. NTA
NTA
Sounds like she’s looking for an excuse for not enjoying the day as much as she thought she would. Imagine how she would have reacted if she realised later in the evening that she smelled most of the day? You did a great job telling her, she’s just annoyed the day didn’t turn out as planned for her.
Nta
NTA it’s more embarrassing to walk around your own wedding already the center of attention and smelling and not knowing.
It seems like brides do nothing but complain someway somehow something makes them complain . Lame. NTA.
Ntah, wtf? If my friend didn’t tell me I was stinking I would be really upset. You’re the kind of friend we all need & should strive to be. Let her stink at the next party or function, leave the runny mascara, the lipstick/spinach teeth, if that’s what she prefers.
NTA bride needs to buy a stronger deodorant. This problem has came up twice in you post which means it has happened multiple times.
NTA. shes not mad at you. shes mad at herself and embarassed.
NTA – she will reflect back in this later and hopefully thank you.
NTA.
No.. wow, so she’s the one who wouldn’t tell you if you had a tampon string hanging out of your bikini? Or that you have broccoli in your teeth? Huh. Think on that a minute. I think about the strangers who told me and how glad I was that they did, but it would have been better if it had come from a good friend. And to think, she stewed on this during her entire honeymoon? Oof.
NTA.
Text her if you didn’t tell her no one would want to be around her you saved her but next time I will let you smell
NTA
Send her some Carpe deodorant
Would she rather have had everyone who she talked to or hugged whispering about her stank? That would’ve been way more embarrassing than a being discreet, and it sounds like common practice for you guys. Also, why does she stink so frequently?
NTA
Her body odor would have been noticed by her guests as she mingled. It was easily corrected. And she was able to correct it.
It’s like someone having broccoli in their teeth. Better to be embarrassed by being told then noticing 3 hours after lunch and wondering who saw it.
NTA. It was a two second fix that saved her from embarrassment for the whole rest of her wedding. While I understand that it may have made her hyper-aware for the rest of the event (I would be!!) the alternative of finding out later from someone else and wondering how many people noticed would have been far worse.
NTA. If you have an outdoor wedding you risk battling the elements and having stank pit. It could have been worse. It could also have been visible swamp ass.
NTA but I wonder if she didn’t have backup deodorant. If you smell and you just use bathroom hand soap and a paper towel without fresh deodorant you’ll start smelling again in 10 minutes. That would make her self conscious.
I would be grateful if someone pointed that out to me. Imagine how much worse it could’ve gotten if you hadn’t? You’re definitely NTA. If that seriously ruined her day, she’s got some work to do on herself.
Think that’s bad, should have got a wiff of the other end. Good Morning, sailors.
>When she got back from her honeymoon, she told me I made her self-conscious for the rest of the wedding. She said I made her feel bad, and she said she’s mad at me for ruining her big day. Am I the asshole ?
NTA You were shot as the messenger. If I were you, I’d take that as my cue to never be the messenger for her ever again. You can still be friends with her, but she obviously isn’t one of those people who can be grateful for being given a heads up, even when it helps her out.
She also sounds like someone who would have been equally angry at you if she somehow found out that you knew she smelled but didn’t say anything. The only way to win would have been to have a magic wand that retroactively removed the stench while keeping her oblivious of the whole situation.
This is why I now subscribe to the “Let them” philosophy. No good deed goes unpunished.
NTA because I am still mad that nobody told me about the green spinach in my teeth at my 30th birthday party when I greeted everyone wearing a sequined dress and tiara. Good friends tell.
NTA I have a consistent issue similar to with this with my wife. If she hasn’t showered for a few days or hasn’t used deodorant, I try to warn her before she leaves the house that she might want to clean herself up a bit, because she has a smell to her. She constantly glares at me as if I’m an asshole for mentioning it. Okay, cool. You go ahead and be as rank as you like. I and the kids will be aaaaallllll the way over here, in the nice smelling air.
No, maybe next time let her find out on her own. Maybe she’ll learn to appreciate your friendship with her.
NTA. Bride is though. You totally saved her potential embarrassment from hundreds of guests… and because you were the messenger, she’s mad at you because ‘you made her feel bad’ on her wedding day. I hate folks like this… they lack accountability and blame everyone else and have no emotional regulation or maturity…
Honestly, NAH
It was very good of you to let her know, it’s obviously not great to walk around smelling bad.
But I can see her side as well. As someone who gets VERY self concious about smelling bad it must have been awful for her to be worried about that all day long, on her wedding day.
Should have let her stink, next time you know she prefers to stink or have something wrong with her general appearance while in public instead of have someone notify her.
NTA just give her a bit of time to come around, I think weddings are just so much pressure it probably got to her that you looked out for her in an already established familiar way. It’s not like you announced it to everyone you were both around. I think just a few reminders of your intentions + how beautiful the wedding was and she should be getting over it soon.
NTA that’s literally part of the job: looking out for the bride.
Did you ask if she preferred if you didn’t say anything and stayed whiffy all night long?
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NTA, but you could have been more tactful. Like “hey lets go to the dressing room and freshen up together,” then when you get to to the room, say something like, it’s hot out, let’s both reapply antiperspirant so we can make it through the rest of the day. Let her sniff her own pits and you don’t have to be the one to tell her she smells.
It’s a good idea or reminder for brides and their MOH to plan a time to help the bride use the bathroom, freshen up, reapply deoderant, perfume, touch up makeup rather than waiting until it’s awkward.
As the maid of honor it’s your job to make sure that the bride is on point. Even when they’re stressed and acting like a jerk.
NTA the rule is- if it’s something they can fix or deal with on the spot then you tell them. Lettuce in the teeth- yes Zipper undone- yes Pants too short- no unflattering hair cut- no
So I was wondering as I read the situation if she had deodorant with her and obviously she took care of it so you did the right thing!
NTA; I’m sure she was embarrassed and self-conscious, but I’ve always believed that if something can be fixed quickly, it should be mentioned discreetly. Food in the teeth, tag sticking up, makeup smeared, etc.
NTA but for rare situations like these maybe some subtle deception could be utilised? Something like “hmmm, I think I’m a bit smelly, come with me to freshen up?” It’s a little white lie for a special occasion to help someone feel less self conscious on a day when they’re probably already feeling rather stressed.
NTA.
NTA
That’s a super easy fix, as demonstrated by the fact that the bride excused herself for a few minutes and came back smelling fresh.
Everyone smells sometimes. She might just be extra sensitive about it because it was her wedding, but you did right by telling her discretely. Her being self conscious is her issue, nothing you did should have made her feel bad.
She can’t have it both ways. She can’t be mad that you told her and be mad to find out she smelled but didn’t tell her.
I was just in a wedding, and we all smelled bad. I sniffed my own pits and said how bad they smelled before I was like oh maybe we all should check. It’s all about delivery, especially with people who might have some anxiety.
NTA at all. You did your job as MOH. Your friend is delusional
Tell her stank ass to get over it NTA
That’s what MoH (and best men) are supposed to do.
NTA Let her feel as she does. You did the right thing and she will get over it. If she does not then she is a fool. I’d rather a friend who says something.
Info: What were your exact words? Could you have come off more blunt that you realized?
NTA, because if you didn’t say anything she could say the same thing – “why didn’t you tell me!”. I think the only way YTA is if you told her at a time when there was not an opportunity to excuse herself.
NTA. I would definitely want to know if I were the bride! Or actually at any time! It is not OP’s fault the bride was distracted by it. Once resolved she could have just gone on and enjoyed the day, in my opinion.
NTA
I’d want to know. So long as you didn’t announce it over the PA or anything, you told her discretely, there isn’t a problem.
NTA. That’s a classic MOH duty you were fulfilling.
NTA, what? I would definitely rather my bff tell me discretely like this over all my guests smelling my b.o. Now if you had included it in your speech that would be different, but you did it the best way possible and it needed to be said.
you should have left her be a stinky ass bride
ESH, you both need to use a better deodorant/antiperspirant!
NTA. At the end of my wedding was like a greeting line to greet the people that came. My mom handed me mints and a deodorant stick.. didn’t say anything just handed it to me. You’re doing your job as MOH.
INFO- Did you let her know she smelled good after she returned?
NTA. I would think most people would want to know that so they can remedy it.
NTA Is it embarrassing to be told you smell? Of course. Is it more embarrassing not to be told and have people discussing it later on? Heck yeah. You tried to do the right thing.
NTA – damn some people really have nothing better to do then create problems in their life. I would be so grateful to you especially because it’s the big day and who the hell wants to smell on their wedding day? Maybe take a step back a consider how close you want to be to this person.
NTA.
My answer to this wold be “Ok, that’s fine. I’ll never warn you about things like this ever again, so we won’t have this issue in the future.”
NTA. This was a damned if you do, and damned if you don’t situation. You did the right thing regardless of the situation previously with her now husband.
NTA as a bride i would expect my MAH especially to have my back. she’s one of the closest people to me and we have had these uncomfortable conversations before, i would be devastated and mortified if i learned this after the fact. not to mention a bit of my trust would be broken because what kind of friend who respects me would let me run around my wedding smelling like BO? verbiage is important, but so is principle.
NTA. I would want somebody to tell me. A lot of people tend to sweat more when nervous and it can have more of a smell then too. I was very nervous on my wedding day (pits stayed fresh though) and if I’d started to smell I’d have wanted to know so I could fix it.
Sounds more like if she wanted a followup check she should have asked for one. NTA
NTA that’s what close friends do for each other.
NTA — bride should have thanked her so she could address the issue in a timely fashion!
NAH.
It’s OK that she told you her feelings, so she’s not an AH for that. And she may legitimately feel that you ruined her day by making her self-conscious.
The question is, would she rather have some large percentage of her guests have their most prominent memory of her wedding, be how bad she smelled when she hugged them goodbye? No other guest was going to tell HER that she smelled bad–they’d only tell each other.
You’re obviously not AH here either. You did what you did out of sisterly solidarity and MOH duty. All you can say is “I hope my MOH would do the same for me at my wedding. I’m sorry it made you self-conscious.”
NTA
NTA- you told the truth and were looking out for her
No. You were doing your duty respectfully. Shame on her for turning her insecurities into anger on you.
NTA
NTA