I (30F) gave birth to a wonderful baby boy a few days ago (fucking shattered mindš¤£ writing this while my dadās holding him for a bit).
The delivery itself went well (I say well but anyone who has given birth will know that āwellā still means a bit of a nightmare) but the problem Iām having is with my husband (31M).
After I gave birth (and had a bit to collect myself) I was holding our baby, my husband stared and looked at him, not exactly happy but more in a kind of shocked state which I figured was fairly normal. He held the baby for a bit and stuff after. Admittedly, a āwell doneā or a āhow are you holding upā wouldāve been nice, or even if he just offered to grab me a snack from the shop across the road. He just held the baby for a bit and commented on things like āoh, heās got blue eyes like meā type stuff. He seemed pretty unbothered about the whole thing which I found extremely weird and slightly upset by. Still, I figured just shock.
Next morning (I went into labour late at night) I started texting friends and family, sending photos of the baby, etc. and I was having a text conversation with one of my friends (29M) about it, he asked me how I was doing, said he was very happy for me, asked about names, even offered to drop me off like, a coffee and a pastry or something because he would be on his way to work in a couple hours and could easily make a stop at the hospital, yāknow, just the normal things someone does when someone they care for has given birth right?
My husband asked me who I was texting, and when I told him it who it was he got irritated quickly, asking to see our messages, I let him, and he said that the baby and how I was doing was none of his business. And when I asked why he spewed out the whole āI donāt like my wife having make friendsā thing which I thought we got over ages ago? (He said things like this early in our relationship but I was not willing to give up a lot of my male friends and saw it as a bit of a red flag so I made it an ultimatum, he said I could be friends with who I wanted and weāve been fine since then).
Iāll stress that these all seemed to be normal questions someone asks and a nice favour- I know Iād do the same if someone I knew had a baby.
Even when I try to see things from my husbandās perspective of him trying to make a move or something- it makes no sense as to why now, especially seeing as heās engaged to a man!
Me and my husband went back and forth a bit and I asked him to leave, I was already tired and I wanted the baby to be able to get some sleep too, he hasnāt come back since although weāve called and texted (not bringing up what happened).
I never spotted any red flags aside from the one I mentioned (which I thought we delt with). I love him and he loves me. Iām wondering if Iāve missed something glaring here.
Aita?
Comments
NTA – Seems strange overall but you knew you’d be confronting this issue with him again at some point. You had your red flags and you made yourself a scarf from them. You’ll need to sit him down and work on the relationship and see if you can make it back to a decent place, or if you need to start preparing yourself for the worst of it. Good luck.
NTA but, Is this friend someone who you have continued a friendship with for years that your husband knows you talk to on a regular basis? Or is this a random friend?
NTA, it sounds like your husband knows he isnāt doing what he is supposed to as a new dad (read take care of mom AND baby) and dislikes that you can find what you need outside of him.
Isolating you from others is a common manipulation tactic to get you to trust him completely, and yourself/friends less and less until you do what he wants. Iāll give him the benefit of the doubt, but imo you should let him know you need more from him, and if he canāt provide, then he cannot control where you get what you need. You need to protect yourself as your feelings are valid, and deserve to be heard.
I canāt believe you actually had a baby with this man.
Iām sure this isnāt the first time heās acted like someone not worthy of a partner, but here you are having his child.
Goodness.
Huge red flag that he doesn’t like you having male friends. Absolutely massiveĀ
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YTA for leading your male friend on. YTA for being on reddit when you have a newborn. YTA for making fun of your husbands reaction to new life. YTA for a lot of things here, really.
NTA, your husbandās reaction is massive red flag. Not willing to give up a lot of my male friends is not the flex he thinks it is. Your friends are not his business
NTA. However I seriously suggest couples counseling. He clearly has some problems going on and in the state youāre in you shouldnāt have to deal with them. You need to figure out whatās going on with him fast before his bs leaks into your childās life.
OK in my mind that was a perfectly polite and OK conversation that you had with your friend I know when Iāve talked to my male friends when their spouses gave birth I may not text their spouse that just gave birth and I will text them and say hey, you know howās Mom doing? How are you doing? Thatās just common courtesy.
Another post confirming gay guys love women more than their own husbands. He doesn’t want you to have friends and doesn’t show care and gratefulness towards you and the baby he helped make. Now he’s mad your friends actually wanna show up to support you. Is he sick in the head?
This is the most vulnerable time in your life where you’re supposed to be bonding with your baby and enjoying motherhood. I think you need to really reconsider why this man thinks he’s allowed to act this way, because a man who loves you wouldn’t be this immature about a problem he made up in his mind.
NTA
Give him some grace, itās an adjustment, itās an adjustment for you too and you definitely do deserve to have someone checking in on you and taking care of you after labour, itās an ordeal. All Iām saying is it might take him a minute. That being said, the absolute truth is that you are at your most vulnerable now, you are reliant on your husband temporarily at least, and in vulnerability is where controlling men can show their true colours. So if it continues you have every right to re-establish those boundaries you set early on. Enjoy your baby and I hope your husband gives his actions some reflection and pulls it together.
Ur husbands the ahole.
I would bet money he showed lots of other red flags early on that you just missed š
Honestly- having a child is a big deal. He is perhaps being very passive aggressive because deep down he is scared of this new life. Because both of your lives are forever changed by this. Maybe he was never ready for this or maybe he is just freaked out now that it’s real. Now- as for having friends of the opposite sex. I think that’s always going to bother some people. For instance, how would you have felt if your husband was busily texting his good looking female, single co-worker while you were sitting there? Maybe laughing and such. Who knows how you would feel, maybe you would think that was inappropriate at a time like this. This is going to be a big adjustment for both of you.
Okay go back and please read what you wrote, you never spotted anything other than the obviously glaring red flag that you ignored. He hasn’t changed.
It’s on you if you can continue with his attitude and if you want your child raised in that environment. It won’t get better.
As a whole, NTA for the question posed.
NTA. Yāall are adults and heās acting like a child. I donāt get those people who think women in a relationship canāt have male friends, not every male female friendship has any romantic ties or feelings at all. Itās a huge red flag your husband wasnāt taking care of you or even really showing support after you just pushed a human out of you.
Him being distant and uncaring towards you and being irrationally jumpy over you messaging a man are both red flags that he’s cheating. Please keep eyes and ears open to more signs of this. It’s devastatingly common during pregnancy.
NTA,
He basically failed as a husband and is embarrassed someone else showed him up.Ā
You didnāt know until this moment that your husband has an issue with you texting other men? Seriously? As a mother myself you should also be aware that men go through many changes bringing a baby into the world too. Maybe donāt send a picture of his newborn out to other men without his consent.
You made the mistake of thinking an ultimatum would fix the problem. You should have respected yourself and walked away back then but now youāve given him a baby and the rest of your life probably.
NTA. Your husband has a problem with your gay male friend? He sounds like a douchebag.
No but you’re a huge AH to yourself or having a child with a guy who doesn’t seem to care that it’s born.
NTA. Your friend was doing more than he was and he knew it
You say you only spotted one red flag, but this post is a whole parade. The one you called out (him not wanting you to have male friends) is massive, but it’s also blocking your view of the rest. The cold reaction after you gave birth, the lack of basic care or empathy, and now this jealous meltdown because someone else is treating you with actual kindness?
He’s not mad because your friend crossed a line. He’s mad because your friend exposed that he’s not even doing the bare minimum. Your friend showed support, asked how you were doing, offered to bring you food… basic human decency. And instead of stepping up, your husband deflects with jealousy and control. That’s not about your friend. That’s about him knowing heās failing you.
And the whole ‘I donāt like you having male friends’ thing? Thatās not just a red flag, thatās a CLASSIC isolation tactic. Controlling partners start by cutting you off from people who make them look bad, because support from others makes it harder to control you. Keep your eyes open, OP. You just had a baby, you need support, not surveillance.
I actually donāt think that is a normal thing for someone to do for a friend that has given birth. Maybe like the closest friend but the morning after you gave birth that night seems really, really early.
Very weird to me. My gut tells me you have a relationship with this person that makes your husband uncomfortable, which you probably already knew. That makes me think youāre acting pretty inappropriate.
For context my wife doesnāt want anyone but us in the hospital and thinks people can stop by our house when we are home and settled. I think we will probably end up with parents at the hospital and thatās it. It would be her parentās first grandchildren so I think she will end up wanting her mom there. Some dude stopping by with coffee and a pastry when I feel like most new moms would want to sleep after an incredibly difficult night is tone deaf by him and very weird for you to even entertain.
Maybe your husband is an absolute psycho and this is a long time family friend that is like a brother to you and is a huge part of your familyās life. Iām assuming no.
I don’t like to be one of those that jumps to worst case scenarios and divorce the man immediately kinda things.
BUT. Be careful OP. There are FAR too many stories on Reddit where once the baby is born, and you’ve done the thing the man needed you for, everything changes. And sometimes what we graciously excuse away as misunderstandings, or bad communication, or unresolved past trauma, is actually a calculated plan to get what they want. And most of the time, that means isolating you so you fit that 1950s model of housewife and mother.
And, they KNOW if you have support around you that will give you insight into how you are being manipulated and used, one of their first courses of action they will need to take is to isolate you from those folks. Especially if they’re some place you could go if you left.
Especially with a baby now.
Hes questioning if the baby is actually his and its making him insecure
Dang it. You should have married your friend. He sounds awesome.
Yep, š©š©š©š© all over the place here. I would strongly recommend you look into your options, because clearly he was only pretending to be okay with you having male friends. And this is only going to get worse over time. I don’t think this is a man that you want raising your child. Granted, even if you leave he will probably have to have visitation, but at least you would be free to counter his archaic ideas.
NTA. Unless you spend a lot of time alone with this friend your husband is reacting weirdly. BUT I think both of you need to relax and enjoy your baby. I know my husband said something far from tactful rather than āgreat jobā or āyou were wonderfulā, I told him what I would prefer, but I also know I was in pain, hormonal, emotional and all that stuff. Ask him to come back to the hospital and see his baby and his beautiful blue eyes, tell him flowers or a snack would be nice (btw I would be telling your husband to do a lot more if he had asked). He may not really have known how to act, he may be unsure in his role as father and how to hold the baby and may feel a bit awkward. You on the other hand do not need scolding about sharing your excitement with a friend, you need a giant BRAVO! you will have to take on breastfeeding and baby care while still recovering and your body making even more big changes. But I suggest trying not to interpret his reaction until you guys have been back home, he has had a bit of time with baby on his own, etc. If things still feel off, counseling perhaps, but this is all new to him too. I myself have certainly said the wrong thing at the wrong time, wait and see, he may be rushing around soon bragging about his baby (I hope).
Wellā¦
Do you foster an environment for your male friends to bond with your husband at all? Or are they tucked away as just your friends?
Cuz thereās a difference
NTA in the least!! Gworl you need to have a serious conversation with your husband over this. Not just about his baseless jealousy and insecurity but even about not being emotionally present when you GAVE BIRTH! Shock or no, you are the one who went through labour, as a partner he should have done a better job of being there for you. I also feel maybe seeing another person (esp a man) offering the bare minimum gestures of kindness made him feel inadequate and instead of making up for it, he blew up you? Girl NO.
NTA heās pissed cos your friend is highlighting his inadequate he is! Updateme
NTA, sharing baby news with a caring friend is normal, his reaction is unfair.