I’m 21 and so is my brother. We’re twins. When we finished high school, my parents told me they couldn’t afford to help with my college. I took out loans and started working part-time to cover costs once I got accepted.
My brother got accepted into a different university (albeit, slightly cheaper), and I Just found out they’re fully paying for my brother’s tuition, housing, everything. I asked why and they said they couldn’t afford both, and I “seemed more independent.” This whole ordeal happened about 2 weeks ago and they’ve messaged me a few times acting like nothing happened.
I didn’t say much in the moment but honestly I’m pretty angry. Would I AITA for cutting them off or atleast distancing myself from them?
Comments
“You seemed more independent” is parent code for “you’re easier to neglect.”clock that !!
You should definitely go no contact until they can give a clear explanation for why they did that.
NTA
Parental favoritism is wrong. Period.
They do now owe you a college education, but giving it to one twin and not the other is even more wrong. Out of mere curiosity, are you a woman?
Assuming they said no when you were 18 but are saying yes now three years later, I’d be asking what financially changed to allow this. And if they even consider helping you with your loans in the interest of fairness. I mean, I’m the type to want to give the benefit of the doubt, but right there with them saying “You’re more independent”, that’s like them saying “Your problems are your problems, not ours”.
NTA. Though if you want to ride yourself of lingering doubt, ask them if they intend to do anything for you now that they can apparently afford everything for your brother. And see how they try to justify their likely ‘no’.
I think you know where you stand in the hierarchy of things. Take the time and distance you need.
“you’re right. I don’t need any of you.” click block dip.
I can’t imagine having much time to spare for your parents while you’re working to support yourself, studying, and trying to have a social life amongst your peers.
NTA, Maybe look at it with a different perspective. You have had to pay your way since before leaving home, yes? Your parents have paid your brother’s way, always, yes? Now later on, when it comes time for your parents to need help and elderly care, your brother can be the one to pay them back for their generosity while you will not be beholden to them bc they did not help you like they did him. Now they become his responsibility bc he owes them and you don’t. Think on that for a bit. Is it nice? No, it isn’t, but it is fact, yes? It does not mean that you have to end the relationship with your family over this. You might be more careful about taking or accepting any responsibility for anything in the future that they may try to put on you knowing that they consider your brother more worthy of their support. Maybe take a break from seeing them for a while, until the sting fades.
Damn, they really think of your twin as the golden child. They could have split the money between you, so you could have less debt overall.
The silver lining is you work hard, study hard, and are probably going to do well in your chosen career. Your brother doesn’t work hard, probably studies the bare minimum, and if he does graduate it will be a low pass and he’ll struggle to stand out in whatever field he chooses over more qualified applicants. Then you can point and laugh when they demand you help them out because “faaaaamily” and tell them they backed the wrong horse.
And you are right to think about cutting them off or going low contact. They’ve shown you who the favourite child is and sadly it’s not you.
Don’t see how you come back from this. I hope you won’t just accept this. Your parents need to make this right. Paying for tuition AND housing AND everything else is next-level favoritism. They could have helped you both. They CHOOSE to only help your brother. Yeah, this is easily NC worthy. NTA
I would be looking at them to fund grad school if not I suggest relocating as you are such an independent person. After college oh and make sure they involved in your wedding(as in after the fact).
Updateme
This means your brother is responsible for your parents when they are old. You owe them nothing.
NTA
OP, are you a man or a woman?
NTA. It is so wrong for parents to favor one child over another. I would limit contact with them. They need to apologize and make things right. If not you should cut them off.
Do yourself a favor and start slowly icing them out. Don’t respond to their messages, only if it’s reaaaally important. And then you go from low contact to no contact
NTA “You don’t want to treat me like your son, I’m no longer your son.” Cut off your brother too, he’s just as bad as they are for accepting the help without fighting for you to be treated equally.
My husband’s parents paid for his brothers college, but not his. It’s almost been 30 years now, and my husband is still hurt. I’m so sorry this happened to you. NTA.
NTA. Your parents suck. I am sorry.
I guess he is the older twin then
So basically you started working and “paid rent” as a teen to “help.” Then had to figure out college on your own. Meanwhile they saved money for your brother. Took money from you for your brother. And support your brother.
You’re hyper independent because they raised you ti be. They turned you into the perfect little doormat. Always ready to help and one day will look to you to take care of them. If you don’t learn this lesson now and unmesh, you’ll be taken advantage of your entire life.
NTA
Sounds like go NC situation
Am appalled … and apparently these two don’t even realize how despicable what they’ve done is … and possibly are too dense to understand how offended you justifiably feel. Send them a message by cutting them off for a good long while. Until they make amends that are appropriate.
Am also wondering if you have other siblings. Is twin bro the golden one? Did he know?
Nta. They need consequences for playing favorites. Theres no reason they couldn’t split that money. None.
Go nc bc they’re obviously used to you accepting scraps.
NTA. You should convey how you feel about the favoritism. You have to work and leave school in debt while he has a free ride. That is wrong. If they don’t accept responsibility, I would cut them off.
The fair thing to do was to give both of you half of whatever is saved and then both have to take out loans to pay the rest. Your brother’s loans would be less since his college is cheaper.
Same happened to me, my siblings years older got some of his college paid for while I got nothing. Pissed me off but their money they can do what they want. Later they gave him money to buy a house. At that point I went LC with them. No need to keep doing them favors, helping them out while he reaps the benefits. Every time I always messaged back, ask your other kid to help you out. He should since you keep giving him money. I have to work OT to pay my bills. That lasted for like 3 years.
NTA. I have two college so understand the expense. You can’t favor one child over another without repercussions.
Go ahead and tell them how independent you are.
NTA
In the future, give your parents the same amount of energy that they’ve given to you. In other words, if/when they need money or physical help in the future, tell they that they need to ask your brother since he’s the son they supported.
(I have a family member who was the “least favorite” kid. When it came time for their parent to go into assisted living, their siblings were pushing for the parent to live near my family member, and asked my family member to cover some of the costs. Family Member finally said, “No, I won’t be the one of us siblings responsible for communicating with the care facility so Parent needs to live near one of you. And I won’t be taking financial responsibility of any sort so find a place that Parent can afford.”. My family member was very happy with that decision and the freedom it gave them.)
NTA. Your parents have really dropped the ball and set you up for resentment with their BS favoritism. I can completely understand going LC or NC with them. This kind of behavior requires consequences for them. Get your degree and go live your best life.
NTAH
Have dealt with similar and gone low contact
Nta
NTA. Yep, I am independent, don’t need you. Later Gator
NTA. Take whatever time you need to come to terms with this betrayal. And it is a betrayal, not just favoritism, because they had to have deliberately kept this from you.
What in the fresh holy h3ll is this? You divide what you have between kids. Has this been a pattern? Your parents favoring your sibling?
NTA
Go NC with your parents and your brother for accepting $ he knows you didn’t get.
All kids should get identical treatment from parents unless their are health or developmental issues.
Updateme
NTA.. go LC and tell them since you have to work extra hard to support yourself, you don’t have time for them
NTA what they are doing has obvious ramifications. They have to know this.
If I had 2 kids in college and couldn’t cover two tuitions but had say, I had $1,000 to help, I’d split it and give each $500. They favored him financially and didn’t tell you. Not well done.
I’m still wondering if OP is a male or female…I get male vibes but you never know ow
This is either a case of the golden child or they think you are more likely to just get over it. Either way, its clear favouritism and i personally would go LC if you cant manage full NC
Your parents are faulty. I’d be treating them accordingly because you know who they’re going to expect to step up to care and pay for them when they’re old and decrepit. Spoiler it won’t be the golden child. I’m sorry they’re so shit. You don’t deserve it.
They cut you off, so why not return the favor? NTA.
NTA. Your parents are intentionally hurtful and your brother isn’t much better by accepting their largesse and not attempting to encourage a pro rata split between the two of you. I’d be tempted to cut them all off permanently. This is how they openly treat you now, it will only be magnified when they pay for your brother’s weddings (yes, multiple) and openly treat his children well while “forgetting” your children.
How much cheaper is his tuition?
And once you calm down let them know how you feel. And let them know it has impacted your desire to be around them.
NTA every other time this situation showed up her, and it’ll be NTA this time.
NTA either you treat all your kids equal or you (the parent/s) are the assholes.
NTA
I would be going low contact; your brother is the golden child. Go live your best life!
To what end? Cutting them off or deliberately distancing yourself from, what would the goal be?
At 21, you and your parents will be organically be separating, as you follow the life you lead.
But if you force a distance as a form of punishing them, I doubt that they will feel as punished as you want them to.
Distancing or cutting off won’t stop them from paying for his education, and it won’t make them pay for yours. I don’t see any benefit to you if you force distance between you and your parents.
At the same time, I don’t see any reason for you to force any closeness with them.
YWBTA if you let your anger drive you into changing what you do or how often you call or… Do what you want to do, but don’t be driven by anger. (Once anger finds the controls to your life, it can be a bitch to keep it in check.)
NTA. That’s wildly unfair to you.
They should have split the money they had and given you both half towards your colleges. If your brother couldn’t afford one, that’s his issue.
NTA but I would send them a message. Let them know that you were independent because they favored your brother so you had no choice. To then weaponize this as an excuse to pay for his college but not yours, just reaffirms they don’t give a crap how they make you feel. And you are done.
I’m sorry. This sucks. Remember being happy is the best revenge.
question, would you happen to be a woman as well?
Hey, they did you a favor. You’re off the hook forever. Show up when and if you want. Your adult relationships with them is now entirely on your terms, and their more immature kid will be the one they get to rely on in old age. I’m sure it’s a smart strategy for them.
NTA
Wow! My parents at least told me ‘I’m a girl’ only my brothers needed college. All older than me. They paid full ride for all three brothers at a top 10 university! Paid my own way, took me seven years to finish but I did it. But I’ve realized since then (1984) that I think that cost them so dearly and couldn’t have done it they wanted too. So no grudge.
Although your parents and sibling are your Bio-Kin; they are NOT your REAL FAMILY
Walk AWAY
N
T
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Build yourself and your own awesome LIFE
Find the racially-diverse honorable logical scientific positive respectful interesting fun helpful healthy happy peaceful open-minded future-focused secular pragmatic humanists and be THEIR friend through which YOU will get the EXCELLENT friends FAMILY fairness freedom LIFE
NTA. Make it clear to them they’ve chosen their child and it’s not you.