English isn’t my first language, and i translated it with chat gpt so thank you for understanding.
Inread it twice to be sure that it was correct.
I also ask my husband if i could post this because he doesn’t see the problem.
My husband (37) has a 6-year-old son, L, from a previous relationship. Together, we have two sons of our own: T (1 year old) and R (9 weeks old). Right now, we’re financially struggling — just barely getting through the month.
L is staying with us during the summer break. Last week, we found out that his mother (my husband’s ex) is going on vacation abroad this coming Sunday with her family and her two other children — but she’s not taking L with her. He doesn’t know but we still feel terrible for him.
Today, my husband was visiting his brother and sister-in-law. While he was there, they suddenly invited him and L to join them on their vacation abroad. They even offered to pay for both of their flights. My husband texted me and asked if it would be okay if he went away for 10 days with L.
I was completely caught off guard. I just stared at my phone in shock. Then he called me, but I could hear his brother and sister-in-law talking in the background. I didn’t know how to respond — I thought it might be a joke at first, since we’ve talked about this kind of thing before and agreed that traveling wasn’t realistic because of the young children and our financial situation. So, in that moment, I couldn’t say yes or no. I also didn’t want to seem like the bad guy by refusing in front of his family.
My husband hung up and walked away. A little later, he called again. I told him I didn’t know how I felt, and that he should decide for himself — but I also said I’d find it selfish if he left me home with our two very young children while I’m dealing with postpartum depression.
Later we texted a bit back and forth. I said that if I told him “no,” he and his family would probably think I’m being controlling or negative. At the same time, I felt like he was abandoning me with two babies. Eventually, I said things like, “Part of me thinks: go ahead,” and “Can I have a bit more time to think about it?” — but he told me that wasn’t possible, because the tickets were cheapest if he booked them immediately.
When he came home — just an hour later — it turned out the tickets were already booked and he will be flying on monday. That’s when I got really angry. I felt like I didn’t even get a say. It felt incredibly selfish to me. I’m here, struggling with a toddler and a newborn, our finances are tight, I’m mentally exhausted, and now I’m going to be completely alone for 10 days?
He defended himself by saying:
• L has never been abroad before.
• His family really wants to see L (his parents live part-time here, and part-time in their home country). And this just shows that my children and I are not seen as part of the family.
I told him he’s doing exactly what his ex just did: choosing to leave, and leaving the child’s other parent to carry the load. Ironically, he was just angry at her for going on vacation without L a week ago.
He also argued that our he thought our 9-week-old baby is too young to fly anyway and if you don’t want me to go i will cancel the tickets (what makes me again the bad guy)— as if that somehow makes this all okay.
Now I will be stuck at home with a 1-year-old and a 9-week-old, battling depression, and feeling abandoned. At the same time, I don’t want to be unfair. I know it will be fun for L to be with family.
Still… I feel hurt, blindsided, and like I didn’t matter at all.
AITA?
And does someone have any advice for me?
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TL;DR:
My husband and I have two very young kids (1 year old and 9 weeks old), and he also has a 6-year-old son from a previous relationship. His son is staying with us during summer vacation. We found out that his ex is going on holiday this Sunday but isn’t taking their son. Out of the blue, my husband’s family offered to pay for a trip for him and his son. He asked me if I was okay with it, but booked the tickets before we really made a decision together. Now I’ll be home alone with two babies, while dealing with depression and financial stress. I feel abandoned, but I wonder if I’m being unreasonable. AITA?
Comments
NTA Dump your two kids off at the in-law’s and take some time for yourself
So what is he doing to get you help while he’s away? Is he arranging to have other friends or family stop by to give you a hand, or just expecting that you’ll deal all by yourself?
I mean to me you gotta lay it out and be like if you can’t prioritize us over a vacation why are we even together?
He’s definitely in the wrong and it’s wild he can’t see it. You are dealing with 2 very young kids and the effects of giving birth and he wants to abandon you for 10 days no help no rest while he gets to play super dad to his oldest child. It sucks his mum is leaving him behind but doing honestly even worse to you doesn’t make it better. He should be ashamed of himself and really think about what kind of husband and father he wants to be. Because he’s being a terrible one that could lose him your children and you if he does this. It’s 100% grounds for divorcing him and then he can pay child support and look after them all by himself some of the time too and you can actually have breaks. Why stay married if he does this? He’s saying the feelings of his eldest and his own wants are more important than your safety and health and the health and safety of the youngest kids. Because 10 days by yourself you won’t be able to parent as good as when you have help and you all suffer. Plus you are in financial stress and he’s choosing a holiday over you. Why is he not working during that time? Shouldn’t he be doing all he can to provide for you not potentially costing you money, abandoning you and treating you like a second class member of this family. He’s a selfish man and he should have never accepted and he should take all the heat for cancelling because he’s the bad guy here not you. God I’m so mad at him on your behalf
NTA husband is completely ignoring your needs for his wants. Does he always just do what he wants regardless of how you feel?
Last year my first son was born at 29 weeks and layed in the hospital voor 2,5 months while we also were moving i talked to my husband and asked if he could discuss to take L the last couple of weeks of the summer break so i could be in the hospital. His ex gave in at first but later decided she wanted a weekend getaway so she demanded that we take L a couple of weeks ealy i had to take care of L then while my husband was working and I couldnt see my oldest son that often in the hospital because of it its always me on the last place
You are not, definitely not the AH here. He is,
and so are the two that invited him and his son but excluded you. If anyone deserves a flipping vacation, it’s you!!
I realize you are from a different culture and may not do the divorce thing but seriously what he is doing is extremely uncaring, and I’d be so hurt by his actions that I would pack up my kids and go home to mother, or a best friend until I was able to find a small space I could afford. My husband worked then came home and took the baby while I showered or did what I needed to do. He didn’t go out at all much less a bloody vacation for 10 days! He knew his priorities were his family at home, his children! He knew I’d be exhausted and that even a 45 min break made the world of difference. Yea, sometimes it was only 45 minutes, I breastfed.
I feel bad for you. My mother came over and tidied a bit (laundry, passed a vacuum, etc) and made a couple of dinners. Even my mother in law came to do the same for me, and she wasn’t happy that I took her boy. 😉 She tolerated me for many years.
Good luck momma, ❤️
It’s ok to tell him “I am angry. I am hurt. I am dealing with postpartum depression and struggling to care for our babies as well as myself and you are abandoning me and our children the EXACT same way your ex abandoned L. Then you want to turn me into the bad guy by asking me if its ok AFTER you booked the tickets and told L all about the trip. If you cancel, everyone will blame me instead of looking at how selfish and unthinking this was. You did this. You fix it. And don’t make me the one who looks bad/evil because YOU didn’t think first. Don’t you dare make L or your family think poorly of me while you fix this.”
NTA for how you feel. This definitely needs a conversation that this is just a one time situation. Your two babies are not old enough to have any memories if they went and taking care of babies somewhere other than their home is always more difficult.
You need to let him know that he owes you big time for this. Your choice on how you want to collect. He needs to spend time watching both babies so you can have several hours multiple times so you can do what you want.
Um, why is your husband’s brother vacationing with your husband’s ex-wife? Or are these two separate trips?
NTA for not wanting him to go. The timing is just bad.
It’s very generous of BIL/SIL to offer to pay. And of course it’s very tempting to accept so 6yo can travel.
If you were to say never, I think you’d be controlling and an AH.
But stop giving wishy washy answers… he should decide for himself but you find it selfish. Just say what you mean – “no.”
It’s crappy he put you on the spot on the phone. And crappy he booked anyways. He’s the AH in this story.
People will only do what you allow them to do to you. Honestly rethink if this where you want to be
A couple things, why couldn’t your in-laws take their nephew with them without your husband. A little selfish to not think of you with your babies at home. Do you have anybody where you live that can help? Make him hire a part-time nurse to come help you. So incredibly selfish I’m so sorry.
Let me go on vacation. Then pack up and move you and your children in with your family. He is showing you that you don’t matter and you deserve a partner. Chose yourself and your children.
NTA, Change the locks and have the ‘husband’ (ie entitled man child) served with divorce papers. If he thinks this is okay, you are better off alone.
NTA, your husband doesn’t about you, and doesn’t card about your kids with him. Do you really want him to be in your life, do you want him in your kids lives?
Go stay with your parents while he is gone and take time to consider and put things in perspective
When he gets back u go on a few days vacation pump milk freezer.. tell him u will see him in 10 days or less
Your husband is for shit. He’s never changed a diaper?? So he’s a for shit father, too.
As for help while he is gone, I think you’re going to have to hire a babysitter here and there so you can get a break.
And marriage counseling should be mandatory when he comes back. You might be better off without him, OP.
If my husband did this he would come home to an empty house. Your in laws are worse they offer to pay for him and don but not you and the babies?
You are NTA, but your husband definitely is The A. And if he can’t open his eyes to realize this, then he’s also an idiot.
I think based on other situations you’ve mentioned in the comments combined with this one, you should leave him. You’re already doing it on your own so what’s one less thing to take care of
As a father, your husband is a jerk! To leave you like this in the state of things is very selfish. If he wanted his son to meet the grandparents that badly then his son’s uncle could have taken him since he’s already going and he could of stayed home and help you with the two little ones like he should be in the first place but from the sounds of it he is not. There may be a very good reason why he has an ex and from the sounds of it you’re seeing it.
You need to stop tiptoeing around and worrying about looking like a bad guy. He asked you, you gave him an option to choose. Stop dancing around and be straight up. Tell him you’re having a hard time, that leaving you alone with a newborn and a baby is too much for you and you can’t handle it, that you’re exhausted already. He needs to think about all of his children, not just L.
You need to communicate your needs better. He thinks it’s ok because you basically said it was ok.
I’m not saying you’re TA btw. I’m saying this as someone who also used to care about what people thought about me, and dealt with post partum. It’s rough. It’ll get harder if he does this. You need help, professionally, and at the house with the children. You need to learn to stick up for yourself and firmly set boundaries.
Let the in-laws take L and leave your husband home.
You don’t want to be seen as the bad guy. Pull your big girl panties up and act like an adult with children. you refused to make a decision when he asked you, because you didn’t want to be the bad guy.
FYI. you not only are the bad guy but i’ll be you refuse to discipline your children because you want to be their friend
Being a parent means you need to act like s parent
Take your two to your mom and think about your relationship. The issue is the selfishness of leaving you with an infant and a young toddler. Obviously birth control is critical –
NTA. L should go and hubby should stay home.
1 major thing: Tickets are NEVER CHEAPER WHEN YOU NEED TO LEAVE RIGHT AWAY! & Yea… he’s being selfish!!
dump him, he sounds like a winner /s you got this momma’s chin up and walk with pride NTA sending positive vibes your way
You’re 100% NTA. Your husband is TA. Couldn’t he take the 1 year old with him at least? Are your children not welcome with his family?
Leaving you with 2 super dependent babies is selfish AF. I’d be very seriously reconsidering my whole marriage if I were you.
NTA
Absolutely irresponsible and selfish of him.
This is so messed up. His family could take his eldest son. He doesn’t have to go
NTA it’s clear you can’t take care of two kids yourself. If his family thinks you are the bad guy for not letting him go they should hire sitters for you
girl ofc nta,but just run,he doesn’t care about you nor your kids , especially since you mentioned that he never even changed the diaper to your oldest 13 month old baby????this whole situation makes me wonder why him and the ex broke up , probably this might be the reason?
Tell your husband that if you had known he was the kind of man who would go on vacation and leave you behind, you would not have married him.
NTA
NTA!!!!!!!!
Finances are tight he shouldn’t be going anywhere even if they offered to pay for the plane tickets. There is always more than just flying fees. As your partner, he should have said stuck up for you. Should have told his family I appreciate the offer, but it’s not right to exclude the rest of his family. Let alone leave you home alone with a 1 year old and a newborn… How rude and selfish of him to do!
YTA for not speaking up! You should’ve said no. You can’t only be mad at him, because he asked & you were afraid to say no!!! When obviously, you should’ve told him, “Absolutely no, we’ve already discussed this. The answer is no. And if you go anyway, you won’t have a place to live when you get back.”
His six year old is not going to remember almost anything from this trip. You should be upset, but you can’t really insist that he waste his brother’s money at this point. Is there anyone who can stay with you while they are gone?
After reading the post and some of your comments OP you are NTA but your husband sure is.
You had 2 babies within less than a year, your body didn’t even get anytime to recover from having the first one before getting pregnant with the second. Your husband is no help at all with the babies and doesn’t even give you any time for self care. And now he wants to leave you all alone for 10 days to go on a vacation that (in my opinion) he doesn’t even deserve.
It’s no wonder that you are struggling with post partum depression. I hope you have talked to your doctor and asked for help with the depression because it can be very dangerous if not treated (mothers have actually killed their children because of it).
Your husband needs to pull his head out of his butt and think about you and your needs for once, instead of only thinking about himself and what he wants.
If I were in your position and my husband pulled this crap I would already have the divorce papers drawn up by the time he got home.
You have a massive husband problem OP. Do not have anymore kids with this man, your life will only become harder with a husband like this.
Updateme
You need to show your AH husband this post. You’re not in the wrong in any way shape or form. You really need to start thinking about you and the kids future.
The has me heated. What a weak excuse for a husband and father. I hope you show him this. He has no business leaving you alone with two babies by yourself, let alone after barely being healed from the second birth. It is honestly negligent with such short notice and no preparation for you.
He needs to his ticket even if he loses money. How irresponsible.
I just looked at my partner and told him that I would have divorce papers filed by the time he got back if he pulled something like this.