I have been in a relationship with my GF for 3 years, and we have been living together for about half of that time. The first few weeks we started to live together, we came up with a budget of how to allocate who pays which expense. I would pay half the rent and also cover groceries and other household expenses. She would pay her half of the rent and utilities. Upon making this decision, we factored in the fact that she at the time had some debt and and i could take on a bigger portion to help her pay that off. Since we both work at home, we came up with pretty much equal split on chores, and since we both love to cook and have cooked together often in the past, thought it’d be fun to cook and prep meals together, and set aside days to vacuum and do regular household clean ups.
The problem is over time she just completely folded on her side of the responsibilities. After work every day she would complain about her work, then get on the couch and scroll youtube, and i’m in charge of the vacuuming, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, meal prepping, etc. No more cooking together and making fun meals like we used to, no nothing. i get she’s stressed from work, but I can’t remember genuinely the last time she helped me meal prep for the week, nor can i remember the last time she helped vacuum or sweep the floors. The thing that bothers me is she sees that i am always taking care of things around the house, and instead of offering to help, she will just tell me she loves me or gives me a hug, and while i appreciate that i would much more appreciate if she just took the initiative and assisted me. Like for instance if i’m cooking dinner and prepping meals for the week, she will just give me a hug from behind when im cooking and then walk away and i wish she would just say “don’t worry about dinner tonight babe i got it this time”
She’ll say sorry when she piles up dishes in the sink and i go to put them in the wash before bed but she doesn’t get up and help me with them. I feel like one thing is yeah i can always ask her more and more to help and say “X can you help out with this or that” But it feels less like a partner at that point and more like i’m parenting her to do things that she should already want to help with. AITA for feeling upset over this?
Comments
NTA for feeling this way, but have you communicated this to her?
NTA. You’re not asking for anything unreasonable you’re asking for a partner who shows up, not just emotionally but practically. The fact that you’re doing nearly all the housework, without initiative or effort from her, is exhausting and unfair. You’re right constantly having to ask for help doesn’t feel like teamwork it feels like parenting. Love isn’t just words and hugs it’s effort, contribution, and respect. If she sees you drowning and doesn’t step in, that’s not partnership it’s complacency.
NTA, you aren’t raising a kid, you are in a relationship where both of you are equals
Being partners involves communication. As long as neither of you can read minds, it needs to be in words. Maybe she thinks you like this dovisio of tasks?
Living with a lazy slob is exhausting. How much longer do you want to do this? You aren’t her servant. And I’m betting she’s making very little progress on her debt reduction — in fact, she’s probably incurred additional debt, since she’s getting almost a free ride off of you and has freed up her income.
Have you talked to her about this? She’s not holding up her end of the bargain, and needs to be held accountable.
NTA. And it isn’t “help.” It’s her responsibility to do her part. And I can assure you she will never change. If you stay with her, your life will always be like this. And when you break up with her, she’ll promise to change. The change will last for 10 days, then you’ll be back to the status quo.
NTA. The fix might be to hire a weekly cleaning person.
If this is how she is now, can you imagine once you get married? Can you imagine her with kids??? She got herself a nice thing going on, found a guy who’s helping pay her debts, doing all the house work and cooking, what a great life!
Try communicating with her again, and this time please don’t let yourself manipulated by kisses and hugs. Be firm – this isn’t working out. This is a partnership, you’re not her cook or maid. I get you are infatuated with her, but please don’t be a doormat
NTA
NTA and you probably should leave however why has come to this point? Why have you allowed it to get to this point?
NTA. Equality also means equal work. Now, burnout is very real, as is depression. I would recommend gently suggesting therapy for both of those things. I could be wrong, but I feel like a lot, (but not all, and I won’t even say “most”) of these comments are way softer than they would be if you were the woman, and she was the man.
NTA – You should both split responsibilities. You both need to have a conversation before you begin to resent her.
NTA, but if you want this to change, you need to draw a clear boundary. „These are your chores, and you need to do them. No excuses or exceptions.“
She’s gotten used to you letting her slide with a hug and a bit of faked contrition. That’s her – and your – normal now. If you want that to change, make it clear to her that it’s no longer okay for her to ditch her chores.
Either that, or break up.
Nope. You’re not the asshole. You’re in a partnership, not a solo household management show. Hugs are nice, but they don’t scrub dishes or vacuum floors.Nope. You’re not the asshole. You’re in a partnership, not a solo household management show. Hugs are nice, but they don’t scrub dishes or vacuum floors
Given that you’ve tried talking to her with no success, you could go on strike. Stop doing the cleaning and cooking. When meal prepping, only meal prep for yourself. When cooking, only make your meal. This would be a last ditch effort to see if you can save the relationship.
NTA. A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. And as recent-ish thought has gone in gender politics, unpaid labour is labour. If you feel that this cannot hold, you are best breaking it off. Don’t bother with an ultimatum, but do sit down & express that this is a big problem (if you haven’t already). She will either change or she won’t. An ultimatum will only cause short term changes and may foster resentment from both of you. (Her if she feels forced no matter how unjustified. You for being made to be her taskmaster and parent).
Some thoughts:
There’s something else going on. Whether that’s something out of her control like Undx’d ADHD & or Autism, workplace stress, Lyme disease etc. Or destructive like cheating, drug use etc. Disappearing from your partner and abrogating responsibilities is dysfunction. With or without you, she should get to the root & get treatment before it ruins her.
Related to the above, see if any family or friends have noted changes in behaviour. If they haven’t, this has likely been around for some time and you just didn’t see it.
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. You may or may not be willing to stick around for any of the above. If you do, it will likely be a process and will take time. If you don’t, be willing to live with the natural fallout.
In either case (leave or stay), before you make your decision – have a plan. You will want to execute that plan.
Whatever you do, be kind, but be resolute. These are not antonyms.
The question is: is she doing this because of untreated depression, or because she is using you? Until you figure this out you can’t make a decision about how to handle it.
No, tell her she has 30 days to leave, if you have a second bedroom set her a room up in it. Or if it’s her apartment you leave & change your phone number.
Sounds like you guys need to sit down and have a real adult conversation with a real adult plan. I get that work can be a real kick in the nads when dealing with certain people but that doesn’t mean to completely ignore set responsibilities. I also understand that current situations make people depressed or anxious but the lack of effort is unacceptable. What has she done to actively improve her situation? And even a little effort around the house is better than no effort at all. Sorry to tell you dude but you are completely enabling this and it’s not fair to her or more importantly you.
Have that conversation, set those boundaries and expectations with consequences, make those changes and if you don’t see any changes then it’s time to find someone who will show effort or at the very least be good to yourself
If it is that easy for you to split, it might be a good idea to do so. Putting away dishes is not a good blue to hold this together
She has shown you who she is often enough for you to believe her. She won’t change so you can either accept it or leave. Only you can choose!
You are NTA for feeling upset. From your additional comments it sounds as if you have a communication problem as well. I have found planing a meeting is a great way to get everyone on board. Some people just can’t handle a spontaneous adult talk. Tell her you want to plan a meeting to talk about the household chores. Let her know the agenda. Just act like an adult who is comfortable being upfront and honest about what adults need to do to live. That is, clean, cook and so on. It’s not a big mystery what needs doing.
If she cannot commit to such a talk, you have more information there. In a sense, this is a good opportunity for you to more fully examine whether you are compatible anymore. I get that she might have mental health issues, and that is her job to sort out. (Here is a tip that comes from experience: one can still work while being depressed. It is counter-intuitive but true. We can still act when we are depressed — but this is a different discussion.)
You seems like a very responsible person who is willing to carry his weight in the world. Are you carrying too much in this relationship? Do you want that? It’s ok for her to have changed, to not clean or cook — she can choose that. But is that what you want? To be partnered with someone who doesn’t do her fair share? If you can speak openly about what you expect, what would work for you and she cannot step up, then there really doesn’t need to be anger or hard feelings (sadness and disappointment sure). If she doesn’t want to have to clean and cook, then she can chose that. At this point you could seek solutions like an outside cleaner and cook, I suppose. Or you can say what your choices are — which, I am supposing, is to be in a relationship where both partners are able to function as adults.
You are really not responsible for her choices — she is responsible for her choices. You cannot make her do X, Y or Z, as you seem to understand. But you can let her know how her choices affect you and your relationship. She appears to have trouble with motivation. Perhaps saving your relationship will motivate her to step-up. Perhaps not. I wish you the best through this process.
NTA, its time to let her know you’re ready to breakup with her over thslese issues. Let her know shes got one last opportunity to go to therapy, help around the house like you both agreed in the beginning, and its time she figures out her life. She’s freaking 31 yrs old she needs to have her life figured out. Otherwise just dodge this bullet dude. She’s has no interest in helping herself let alone you and shes acts like shes aware. Aware people actively try to change their ways and often times take several steps back before they finally take control back.
So she gets a live in maid (that’s you bro) who cooks, cleans, does the laundry and subsidizes her rent by 50%. You get a hug and a kiss and some sex as payment. If this works for you that’s fine and you NTA. If however this is not how you want to live then YTA for not getting out and finding a woman who wants to be a partner, not a user.
YTA.
She is PLAYING you.
You have been doing it all, and she gives you a love firecracker (because love bombing would be much, much more. I hope the sex is worth it.
You now know how it is, and more importantly, how it is going to be forevermore if you get married. Either you need to come to terms with this and continue doing it all yourself, or hire help, or leave her.