My Fiancé and I are getting married in May and decided that we didn’t want to have a traditional + large wedding, we had always really wanted to get married at the courthouse. A big reason for this is because we didn’t want to have to deal with the drama that comes along with not inviting people who think they are entitled to be invited (specifically my uncle and his wife). My parents were very upset about the courthouse idea because they wanted more of a celebration, so we compromised and rented a big vacation house to get married at. It wasn’t exactly what we wanted but we were still happy to do it this way. My parents paid for the house. We invited about 10 people, including two couples that my parents are friends with. But now my dad is insisting we invite his brother. I have always felt very strongly about not inviting my dad’s brother and his wife to our wedding, no matter how small our ceremony is. They are extremely entitled people, have spread many false rumors about my family, trash talked us behind our backs, all while trying to maintain the guise of being one big, perfect loving family. Put simply I don’t care how closely related I am to them – I do not have any sort of affection for them and I certainly don’t trust them.
Now my dad is using the fact that he is paying for everything as a way to control his brother getting invited. He says it’s also a celebration for him too, so he wants his brother there (even tho his will have other friends and family there). I say it’s my wedding day and I don’t want to spend it with someone who has treated us like we’re beneath him his whole life. My Fiancé and I have already compromised for my parents by getting married at this house in the first place, we don’t need to make any more compromises for them. My dad is not budging and is accusing me of being selfish and petty, so now my Fiancé and I are strongly considering canceling it all and going back to our original courthouse plans. Seeing us get married is a privilege, not a right.
So AITA here? Does my father actually get more say since he is the one paying for everything?
TLDR; Dad is paying for wedding, insists on inviting jerk brother. Fiancé and I want to get privately married at courthouse if he doesn’t budge
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My Fiancé and I are getting married in May and decided that we didn’t want to have a traditional + large wedding, we had always really wanted to get married at the courthouse. A big reason for this is because we didn’t want to have to deal with the drama that comes along with not inviting people who think they are entitled to be invited (specifically my uncle and his wife). My parents were very upset about the courthouse idea because they wanted more of a celebration, so we compromised and rented a big vacation house to get married at. It wasn’t exactly what we wanted but we were still happy to do it this way. My parents paid for the house. We invited about 10 people, including two couples that my parents are friends with. But now my dad is insisting we invite his brother. I have always felt very strongly about not inviting my dad’s brother and his wife to our wedding, no matter how small our ceremony is. They are extremely entitled people, have spread many false rumors about my family, trash talked us behind our backs, all while trying to maintain the guise of being one big, perfect loving family. Put simply I don’t care how closely related I am to them – I do not have any sort of affection for them and I certainly don’t trust them.
Now my dad is using the fact that he is paying for everything as a way to control his brother getting invited. He says it’s also a celebration for him too, so he wants his brother there (even tho his will have other friends and family there). I say it’s my wedding day and I don’t want to spend it with someone who has treated us like we’re beneath him his whole life. My Fiancé and I have already compromised for my parents by getting married at this house in the first place, we don’t need to make any more compromises for them. My dad is not budging and is accusing me of being selfish and petty, so now my Fiancé and I are strongly considering canceling it all and going back to our original courthouse plans. Seeing us get married is a privilege, not a right.
So AITA here? Does my father actually get more say since he is the one paying for everything?
TLDR; Dad is paying for wedding, insists on inviting jerk brother. Fiancé and I want to get privately married at courthouse if he doesn’t budge
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> I am threatening my dad to cancel my wedding if he insists on inviting his brother
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Seems your dad’s entire purpose for paying was to manipulate your wedding into something he wants.
You have good reason to not want toxic family in attendance of your wedding. The fact that your dad is okay with their behavior is a bit alarming.
I’d cancel everything. Reschedule for the courthouse experience you and your fiancé originally wanted and when your dad comes around and offers to pay for anything…just say no.
People who use money to control others are pretty devoid of moral character.
I don’t understand the problem. You didn’t want this bigger wedding in the first place. Why not just tell him if your uncle is invited, you’re going back to a courthouse wedding?
NTA. Cancel the house, pay for a courthouse wedding yourselves, and choose who you want to be there without the financial or emotional ties. It’s your day. It’s simple- If your Dad won’t listen, take away his bargaining power (his money). Congratulations!
NTA.
YOUR wedding is actually not a celebration for your dad, to your dad, about your dad. apart from opening his wallet, he really should have absolutely no say in the wedding. if this were me because I’m petty, I would actually retake full control and now plan the wedding I want. for you, would it be too late to change back to the courthouse? instead of cancelling your union altogether, make your dad waste all of the money he’s already spent.
NTA – it’s your wedding, and you would be completely justified in returning to your original plans.
You are NTA.
I do think that it may help for you to get the idea of ‘threatening’ out of your mind. Your father has chosen to make this a battle of wills and you, quite naturally, have joined him in it.
Your father has had every chance to change his position and he refuses. All you need to do now is to book your wedding at the court house and gently inform your parents that you will be having a private wedding.
The end. Do not talk about conditions or even reasons. The reason is very well known at this point.
If your father suddenly agrees wholeheartedly to exclude his brother, you might consider returning to the wedding house plan but be careful.
NTA. The only reason you’re having this extravaganza is as a favor to your dad. If he crosses your boundaries (by inviting his brother), you’re fully justified to change to the little wedding you wanted in the first place.
In fact, you should probably cancel the big wedding unconditionally at this point. You can’t trust your dad to keep your uncle out, even if he were to reassure you uncle wouldn’t be invited. He’s taken your wedding and turned it into his party.
I do think that, in the long run, you’ll look back on your courthouse wedding and be content that you got exactly what you wanted.
NTA
Just do the old Burger King slogan:
“Have it your way!”
Your wedding is for YOU and your Fiancé. No one else. So get married where YOU both want. Make your own memories without having the stress of unwanted guests and an overbearing parent.
Elope and enjoy yourself. Your parents made you move it and paid for it specifically so they can dictate who you invite. Go with your original plan and be done with it. NTA.
NAH.
If your dad pays for the wedding, he gets definite input into who is invited, and many other details. However, that doesn’t make it a “command performance” on your end. If you don’t want to get married under those circumstances, then don’t.
My brother married into a Greek-American family. His MIL was getting way too bossy about all the Big Fat Greek Wedding arrangements, so they canceled the wedding. Called her bluff. They rescheduled and had the wedding THEY wanted, 2 months later.
Bottom line, if dad won’t budge on Uncle AH, then go to the courthouse. But if you decide to do that, just do it. Don’t threaten. Book it with the judge’s office, then give those who you want to be there minimum notice.
Get married at the courthouse and don’t tell anyone. Tell your dad that if his brother and wife show up at the house wedding, you will be leaving, and they can party by themselves. If they don’t show up, you can get married again and no one will be the wiser.
Unfortunately, your father has made it clear that his money has strings attached. You have two choices: accept the money along with his conditions, or refuse the money and have whatever wedding you can afford.
NTA. If he is holding the “I’m paying for it” card over your head (normally a crappy thing to do, but understandable as he who pays the piper…) remind him that you didn’t want the event like this in the first place, either his brother is out or you will go back to the courthouse wedding you wanted. I lean towards doing that anyhow because I wouldn’t trust him not to say OK and invite his brother anyway.
You hold all the power here. He was already coaxing you to do something you didn’t want, and now he acting As if he did you some sort of favor?
I assume he already HAD his wedding, he was free to invite his brother to it. Or he’ll, have another wedding and invite him. He doesn’t get to dictate YOUR wedding guest list.
NTA. You and your fiance can go get married at the courthouse, and your dad can have a “whatever” party at the house with his brother. Maybe your parents can renew their vows.
NTA. You have established boundaries that have been bulldozed. I’d stick to the courthouse if he doesn’t budge. You’ll definitely regret down the road catering to what others wanted for your day, instead of you.
NTA. Courthouse wedding is what you want, then that’s what you should have. Your dad is being manipulative and selfish. This isn’t about him, it’s about you and your fiancé. I wouldn’t even try to negotiate. Chances are if you get him to agree to not including your uncle he will show up anyway because your dad clearly doesn’t respect your wishes.
YOur Dad hijacked this from the start. It’s all about control. Do what YOU and your fiancé want, and nothing else. This is your day!!! NTAH!
It’s his brother. If you don’t want him there, cancel this and pay for your own wedding
NTA. Your wedding, your guest list. Just because your dad is paying doesn’t mean he gets to override your boundaries. You already compromised on the wedding itself, and now he’s pushing more. If you and your fiancé are willing to go back to your courthouse plan, do it. A wedding should be about your happiness, not about appeasing people who have treated you poorly. If your dad truly cares, he’ll respect that—if not, then it’s clear his priority isn’t you, it’s his own image.
Seems like your uncle comes by it honestly because Daddy Dearest is kinda acting the same damn way. Although, he is adding manipulation and controlling behavior to the mix. It is YOUR wedding. It is YOUR day. It is about YOU. (And s-t-b-hubby, of course, but you get my point.) DD doesn’t like it? He doesn’t need to be there. Head back to the courthouse, hon. Have YOUR day the way YOU want it. NTA.
NTA I can’t stand when parents use money to control their kids. Cancel the house and move ahead with your great courthouse idea. Your dad needs to understand that money does not equate to control – this is a great step. Happy marriage!
>We invited about 10 people, including two couples that my parents are friends with.
So almost half your wedding guests are your dad’s friends? Weird, man.
Elope
Elope and be done with it.
NTA. Time to cancel. Your dad is essentially trying to hijack your wedding and make it about him, and he’s using his money as the manipulation tool.
You didn’t even want the bigger wedding – tell your dad you love him, but your wedding day is about your and Fiancé, not him or your uncle. If he wants the bigger party, he can pay for it, but if your uncle and his wife attend, you won’t be there, and there will be no wedding. Or, he can cancel the Airbnb, get his money back, and the two of you can elope and only invite those excited to celebrate YOUR dream day the way YOU envision it.
NTA. Go for original plan. Tell daddy to party with his brother at the house!
NTA. Your parents are paying for a bigger wedding than you wanted because it’s what they wanted, and not your father says that because he is paying for it, he gets to invite who he wants? Heck, cancel it and do what you want.
And your father is 100% wrong – it is not a celebration for him in any way. It is only for you and your partner. It seems like his brother is not the only entitled person in this story.
Take the moral high ground. It’s your wedding to the man with whom you plan on living with for the rest of your life. Say no to dad, threaten not to invite him to the wedding, then if necessary say all future contact will be at your discretion with your rules – including any grandchildren. It’s your wedding and your life.
NTA, it’s YOUR wedding. YOUR special day. You should have say in who comes to your wedding
Seems weird that your dad want this wedding and the only people invited are his friends, I would be so uncomfortable with just his friends there. Just do the courthouse, it’s your wedding
To Dad: “I’m sure you’ll have a nice party without us. Feel free to escort your brother around on your arm, since you won’t be giving away a bride “
If he agrees to uninvite his brother, be extremely clear that if brother shows up anyway, you will leave. NTA
NTA at all. You can just tell him to take it or leave it. No uncle or the courthouse.
NTA. Elope.
NTA. While your dad does get input on who gets invited to the venue he’s paying for, it’s your wedding. You and your fiancé have veto power. If your dad won’t compromise, you shouldn’t get married at the vacation house.
I would suggest avoiding this problem altogether. Go to the courthouse. They can provide witnesses. Elope. The important thing is your marriage.
It’s your wedding, why are you letting someone else have control? Be an adult and say thank you but no
NTAHe is just trying to manipulate you with money. Since you don’t care too much about the wedding, move it along.
NTA. Tell your dad bluntly, if he’s using the money to dictate the invitation, then you don’t want it. You did want the bigger wedding anyway. If he then uses his attendance as leverage, tell him he’ll be missed. Don’t give him a leg to stand on.
It’s YOUR (you and fiancé’s) celebration — not his. He’ll just be celebrating WITH you.
He might “cave” and let go only for his brother to show up at the venue, with your dad having prepared a seat. Be sure to guard against that too. Make sure you can control that part as well.
NTA – Dad played you, time to turn the tables.
Nta. If you’re forced to marry in the rented house you can invite your mom’s old boyfriends to the wedding. Something petty like that.
Of course, you’re an adult and can marry where you see most fitting.
Nta. If you’re forced to marry in the rented house you can invite your mom’s old boyfriends to the wedding. Something petty like that.
Of course, you’re an adult and can marry where you see most fitting.
He says it’s also a celebration for him too.
Cancel your wedding at this house and go back to your original plan. Your father can have his weird celebration. And you can have the wedding you want.
NTA. Tell Dad to enjoy his vacation house. You’re going back to the courthouse idea and he’s no longer invited if he can’t respect your boundaries.
Some threat. You’re going to take away something I didn’t want in the first place?
Do the police yell “Stop! Or I’ll shoot myself in the foot?”
Financial manipulation only works if you CARE about what he’s paying for!
All he is doing is driving a wedge between your marital union and himself. This matters a LOT more to him than to you, so he’s really just hurting himself.
Dad can keep the vacation house and have a celebration with his brother. You and fiancé can grab your actual friends, have a nice courthouse ceremony, and go to a great dinner.
NTA – it’s up to you, but I would make it very clear the choice is his on how you will proceed. It’s all about what he chooses to prioritize you & your wedding or his crappy brother.
NTA
It is YOUR wedding, not your father’s. This isn’t about him. It doesn’t matter that he is paying for it. You have a fallback option and going to that option (courthouse wedding) is completely acceptable. He is only putting forth money to make demands you do not want to entertain, so don’t entertain him and his money. Simple.
My belief has always been that wedding plans are dictated by the bride and groom with special allowances made for anyone footing the bill outside of the bride and groom. That’s not to say “I’m paying for it so I get what I want and what you (bride and groom) think doesn’t matter” in any way flies as an attitude for any financial backer to take – just that those footing the bill should get some say in how their money is spent.
All that said, tell your father he can pound sand. You wanted to get married at the courthouse without a penny of his money. You compromised and allowed him to spend money on something a little more lavish. His demand to invite someone you adamantly don’t want at your wedding because he’s paying for it is reason enough to cancel the whole mess you never wanted. Go back to the small courthouse affair and do your wedding the way you and your fiancé wanted in the first place.
NTA
Get married and cancel the wedding afterward. NTA
Elope. Don’t tell ANYONE until after the fact. NTA, your father sounds unhinged.
like you said, this is your wedding and your father should respect your desires if don’t then cancel it and go marry at the courthouse. NTA
It’s not a gift if there are strings attached.
Cancel it and do what you wanted to in the first place.
NAH You can invite who you want, and your dad can spend his money as he sees fit. Is this the hill you want to die on?
You’re not being petty OPie. You ALREADY compromised.
I have zero room in my life for people like that. If Dad insists, tell him his brother can come for one 4 hour window of the visit/weekend, etc.. If he can’t be happy with that compromise (AGAIN!!!). Please go back to your original plan. Weddings cause way too much drama for the people we are trying to celebrate.