I (F19) have a brother (11) who is autistic and doesn’t speak, he lashes out often and needs constant supervision. I take care of him a lot and I do love him a lot despite that. I’m currently living with my parents and helping with my brother as well as working while I try to get into med school.
I am taking a local version of an sat for the 4th time to get my score up high enough to get in on a scholarship.
my parents who are 42 (mom) and 47 (dad) have decided to have another kid despite our financial situation:
they took out a big loan for our house (approximately 1M usd), a loan for both our cars (100k usd) and are paying a mortgage for my grandma’s house since she can’t pay it anymore.
I knew how hard they work because my mom is a nurse who works 4 night shifts a week and my dad is an office worker who works 12 hours a day.
due to our financial difficulties I gave up on medical school abroad where it’d be expensive but I’d surely get in. I wanted to help my parents retire well and have a good 40 years so I studied really hard through high school and never really had a social life, I sacrificed a lot because I wanted my parents to rest soon.
they told me and my sister (17) that they’re having another child, it’s 24 weeks now. my sister actually had a nervous breakdown because she wants to be an engineer and wanted the financial support as well as the emotional support from my parents. she actually hyperventilated. I cried and asked why would they do that at their age, they know how hard I’m trying in order to help them yet my dad told me he is having this child because he doesn’t trust me to take care of my brother and both me and my sister are leaving home soon.
I got very mad at him not trusting me after all my efforts and promises to pay him back for helping me take exams to get into university and the application fees.
I basically yelled at both of them that I’m moving in with my grandma and never talking to them again but I genuinely don’t know what to do. my dad said I’m not a child and they don’t need to raise me anymore and that really broke me. I know I’m an adult but I love my parents and I want their affection that would not change even if I was 40. my mom is not talking to me and my dad keeps laughing at my face.
I don’t know if I should feel sad or guilty or mad. they know my brother is practically going to be my responsibility for my entire life and if this baby is also disabled my life will be over for good. there’s also the pretty good chance they won’t live to see this child turn 30 and the lack of money to go around. AITA for reacting like that?
Comments
It’s natural for you to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, and your concerns about the situation are valid. You’ve sacrificed a lot for your family, and it’s understandable to feel hurt and unsupported when your parents make a decision that feels like it undermines your efforts. However, while your emotions are justified, the way you expressed them (through threats to cut ties) may have caused further strain. Have you considered having a calm conversation with them to express your concerns and feelings in a way that might open up a more productive dialogue?
Nta, your parents decision to have another child amid financial struggles is incredibly reckless and unfair to you and your siblings. After so much for your family it’s natural to feel betrayed and overwhelmed by the weight of additional responsibility that could shape your entire future.
NTA but your parents clearly just view you and your sister as “the help” so moving in with your grandmother sounds like an amazing idea. Take your sister with you if you can. Get a job and in a year you can pay for your own applications and hopefully get some good student aid.
PS. You might be worrying about nothing. 42 is kind of pushing it for having a kid.
ESH. You’re not entitled to their money and they are entitled to make whatever foolish decisions they want. I hope you and your sister find other avenues to get through school.
Sounds like this baby is going to be set up as a caretaker for your brother though, so that’s a shitty role to have assigned to you before you’re even born.
Your mother is 42
The probability of her having a child with severe disabilities is very high.
That child will be needing a lot of care and won’t be caring for your brother in any way.
If you are going to. Medschool and your mother is a nurse, that’s something that should be pretty obvious to both of you.
You and your sister moving in with your grandmother before that child is born is your best chance of ever going to university or being the Dr and Engineer you want to be with scholarships because your parents will be caring for 2 high needs kids and paying for all that debt they have accumulated
NTA. Your parents are fuckin assholes. And there is SUCH a high chance the baby will face the same if not more challenges than your brother even.
The fact that your dad basically said they need a servant so they’re having another kid is ludicrous.
Also if they’re going to be treating you like this and laughing in your face, how are you still going to be able to care for your brother? You’re not, so the responsibility will fall where it should have been this whole time.
On your parents.
Who seem to have a very warped sense of… everything.
You and your sister need to go no contact.
Edit: words and I added a sentence lawl
Move in with your grandmother. The odds of having another special needs kid at their ages and with already having one is somewhat decent. Go on and let them know that since they don’t trust you to take care of your brother, you will no longer take care of your brother. They probably think they have the bandwidth to do this because YOU have been carrying the load. I would not yell again, nor threaten to cut ties, just move out and stay low contact. Advise your sister to never count on them for financial support and go from there. She should be working on her scholarship applications. As a women in STEM she stands a good shot particularly if she chooses the college based on who gives her the best scholarship.
You do NOT have to be responsible for your brother. It is on your parents to take care of him and set up a trust and professional care services for him for when they die.
Get a therapist to learn to let go of the expectation of your parents treating you well or providing you with parental approval and affection.
You’re NTA but it sounds like you made an absolute balls of getting your point across. You’ve been parentified, they can’t handle the responsibilities they have and now they’re taking on more and taking your help with it for granted. Write down your real thoughts calmly, bring the piece of paper with you and explain the problem to them. They still won’t listen, but at least you won’t be flailing at the air. Good luck.
NTA
Going forward put yourself first. Prepare for university, work etc. Do not help out with your brother, because I guarantee they will guilt trip you. That extends to refusing to help with a baby. Ignore people who say but faaaamily.
Oh, and never give them money
Okay, here is the truth. I know you love your brother, but his care shld not be on you to do. So, don’t let it be. Spend time with him; treat him well and tell them he is their responsibility from now on. Because he is. And any other child will be, too.
You and your sister should move in with your grandmother, stop giving your parents money at all, and start your own lives, independently of your parents. The truth is, if you can get into medicine, once you are fully established, you can get your brother 24/7 care somewhere when your parents are both gone. But that should be AFTER they are gone, not while they are alive.
Both of you need to move out. They won’t be able to get your sister back in, so don’t worry abt that. Anything that has to go before a judge would take months and they would take her desires into account. By the time anything got to a court, she would have aged out.
So NTA and both of you should just go. Let your parents sink or swim by themselves. They were wrong to make you responsible for your brother ever. Parentification is considered abuse.
Are you in college already? Because this doesn’t make any sense. You need a bachelors degree to go to medical school. The SAT has nothing to do with med school admissions and definitely won’t get you a scholarship.
(Assuming the poster is American because of US currency and the SAT is an American thing. But acknowledging that there are other countries where you can go to med school straight outta high school.)
They are having another child just so your brother has help???!?? That right there is disturbing and absolutely appalling. With the advanced age of both parents, there is a very significant chance that this baby will have some sort of special needs.
NTA.
NTA. Get school loans, grants, random scholarships.
You give a damn about them retiring well …. but they don’t. Their plan is to rely on their kids, who cares if the kids are struggling?…. they are “required” to take care of the parents.
They only care about what others can do for them. Both of them are jerks.
Spend more study time at school/college/library, rather than at the house.
Have a good cry, and mourn the loss of the relationship that you thought you had with them … because they only care about themselves.
Focus on you, to save your sanity. Perhaps call up your grandma, see what she says.
Stop helping, and putting your life on hold for them. They can always get home health to visit, and sign up for assistance.
So, how will that work? A newborn is going to take care of an 11 year old? You need to take your sister and head to grandmas house.
NTA but stop raising your siblings. Force your parents to parent. They can’t be as busy as you thought if they think they have time for a new baby. They likely expect you and your sister to raise the new baby like you do with your brother.
I’m just going to assume this is fake.
I totally get the whole parentification thing can happen, but come on… These parents are sounding TOO crazy.
YTA
NTA.
Unfortunately, your parents are selfish and stupid. There is NOTHING you can do to help them and their lack of braincells. You need to start thinking about yourself because it seems like you’ve never done that.
Did you listen to me? PUT YOURSELF FIRST FOR ONCE.
Updateme!
NTA but by them saying that you’re not a child they need to raise anymore that is also telling you that they’re expecting you and your sister both to help them with both of their younger children. Move with your grandma. You deserve better. This is their bed that they clearly liked to lie in and so now they get to deal with his consequences on their own. If it’s not too late, apply for medical school. There are loans and grants and scholarships, and neither you or your sister should sacrifice your education for their poor planning.
I understand that you are from a different culture where you think you need to take care of your parents, but they don’t seem to be taking care of you right now. It may be time to start looking at your future differently. They do not respect you, so why should you show any respect to them.
How can parents act like that towards their daughters when they are in distress.
Big nta
NTA. If you have the option to move with your grandmother than please do it. Tell them it’s too much and you need to focus on your studies. Your parents are being irresponsible.
NTA. Follow through on your threat and move out. Let them finally get a real understanding of what it’s like raising a child with special needs on their own, without their live-in nanny.
Begone ChatGPT bot.
NTA. Your parents aren’t being parents.
What culture?
NTA. But you are putting all this on yourself. Just stop. Don’t support them. Don’t get saddled with your brother. Just say no.
YTA .. you don’t get to tell them they can’t have kids .. btw they aren’t obligated to pay for your tuition ..
If you’re living with them, move out. And stop supporting them. What you need to be doing is getting ready to be the place your sister can run to the moment she turns 18
I don’t know where exactly you and your sister are in your schooling, but separating from your parents and becoming “independent” can allow for grants and lower cost loans for educational purposes. Obviously you worry about the future care for your sibling, but the best way to manage that is to set yourself up financially with a better paying career (physician, engineer)
NTA ,stop caring about their retirement, they obviously don’t care about it . They think having a kid is a good idea then it’s time to let them fully be responsible for your brother, time to focus on you because as they said they are not going to. Move with your grandmother take out school loans and go to medical school abroad if you still can.
It sounds like there gonna have another kid just to help take care of their autistic child cause “the help” is moving out. Which is despicable
Stop being mad and just get the heck out of there. Find something to do on the other side of the country and leave. ASAP!
Your parents don’t deserve your concern. They are unfit to parent. If you feel that your autistic brother is at risk, report your parents to the local child protection agency. You need to move out. Get to your grandmother’s as soon as you can, with your sister. Stop all financial support to your parents. Your parents are utterly delusional. Protect yourself.
Always great when parents breed a kid for work.
Never goes wrong ever.
They v
Clearly have great forward planning.
Nothing ever goes wrong having a kid in your 40s and with a body shape you can hide a pregnancy till 24 weeks.
If you are in the USA, and you do well enough on the MCAT, there are now at least 3 medical schools who got billionaire endowments, so that medical school is free.
Don’t cut ties. Just move out and stop helping them. Just focus on yourself. Get your schooling done.
“moving in with my grandma and never talking to them again”
DO IT.
They don’t seem to have much common sense and they will drag you to financial hell.
You may love them, but they don’t love you unless you are their tool.
Also – How fucking evil is it to have a child to be their indentured servant?
Meanwhile – you do not have to nor are you obligated to look after their children.
You are not responsible for their debt.
You are entitled to your own life. Your own goals.
You do not have to carry their burden into your future.
Your parents are having another child to have a babysitter for thier autistic kid? What in the actual fuck. Nta
We have two kids and said that is it. We can’t afford anymore if we want to fully fund all their education including university.
NTA, your parents are delusional. Don’t help them with the new baby, don’t give them money, leave them to suffer the consequences of their own actions. Also your parents are fucking dumb as hell. There is no cure for autism and it’s highly likely the new baby will also have it, first due to your mother’s age and second one of the factors of autism is genetic. Your parents are failures to you and your sister, which means they’ll likely fail with this new baby. They’ll be drowning in debt, have at least one autistic child, and have no contact with you or your sister, and no help at all because they are fucking adults. You and your sister have no responsibility towards your parents especially considering how fucking stupid they’re currently being. They want to have another baby? Fine let them, but you won’t let them come crying to you or your sister when they have no money, no food, and no house because of their poor life choices.
I am a mother and your parents are selfish, it is not your job to make sure they can retire and live comfortably. THEY need to be making sure YOU are comfortable
Id be so embarrassed and disgusted with myself if I couldn’t provide for my children and would have to have them look after me.
Please go and chase your dreams
NTA
UpdateMe!
Updateme
NTA. Get out and live your best life. Your parents can parent the next kid without you.
NTA. You are being held hostage by your love for your parents and brother. You need to make it clear to them that you have helped them all you’re going to and make your own life. Encourage your sister to do the same. I pity the new baby.
NTA. Leave for your grandparents and encourage your sister to come with you. Let your parents deal with the 11 yr old and the coming baby.
NTA. Some of the most financially foolish things I’ve ever read.