For context, I 17M have a strained relationship with my dad 48M, who has been the source of a lot of trauma in my life. I try to look past it and be civil with him, while he often throws it back into my face by making our relationship worse. But for the main subject here, earlier this year, being March, I failed my math test. It’s not the first time I had failed a math test, but it was the worst result I had ever gotten in a math test to begin with. I had never been strong in math, but my dad still forces me to take it, and this time it is at the AS level, even though I have already completed my IGCSEs, and what I want to study doesn’t require me to have a symbol higher than C, since that’s my symbol. For those who don’t know, AS mathematics is mainly there for those who want to become doctors and such, I don’t, and I’ve never been interested in that. Now that I got that out of the way, it’s time I tell you the situation.
My dad blew up on me, and even threatened me, saying that he will kick me out of the house, if I don’t get a distinction, which is 80% for the next term. Which I believe, since he’s done it before, but never overnight. Fast forward to July, I got my results back, and got 15% for my math exam, while I passed all my other subjects with 50s. This was after I spent a lot more time studying than I ever have for math. Watching YouTube videos, asking my teachers for help, going on ADHD medication, getting extra textbooks, neglecting my other subjects and past papers for more help, but it did nothing.
So just a week before my report would be issued, I got to planning my run away. But towards the end, I told my best friend, 17F, about it, and she got me to talk to her dad, 47M, and he reported it to my school, which of course led to my dad getting a phone call from the school. I don’t know what my dad said, but he somehow got away with it, and even got the principal on his side, saying that I was at fault for not showing him any proof of my effort, with my mom backing him up. I will admit that I didn’t show him anything because of past events where he would blow up on me for not getting that distinction he wanted, or me genuinely struggling to understand a concept, with me on the verge of tears. To rub even more salt on the wound, he even said that I was committing fraud by “falsely” reporting him.
I do understand that my actions might be seen as rash, especially since this is my dad, but since I can’t reason with him, and he doesn’t try to understand my genuine struggle and effort to keep up with a subject that I don’t even need nor want to take, I decided that I might as well leave of my own accord, so that I would be away from him. I’m not going to change my stance on this. I put it in the effort, and got my result. Am I the asshole?
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For context, I 17M have a strained relationship with my dad 48M, who has been the source of a lot of trauma in my life. I try to look past it and be civil with him, while he often throws it back into my face by making our relationship worse. But for the main subject here, earlier this year, being March, I failed my math test. It’s not the first time I had failed a math test, but it was the worst result I had ever gotten in a math test to begin with. I had never been strong in math, but my dad still forces me to take it, and this time it is at the AS level, even though I have already completed my IGCSEs, and what I want to study doesn’t require me to have a symbol higher than C, since that’s my symbol. For those who don’t know, AS mathematics is mainly there for those who want to become doctors and such, I don’t, and I’ve never been interested in that. Now that I got that out of the way, it’s time I tell you the situation.
My dad blew up on me, and even threatened me, saying that he will kick me out of the house, if I don’t get a distinction, which is 80% for the next term. Which I believe, since he’s done it before, but never overnight. Fast forward to July, I got my results back, and got 15% for my math exam, while I passed all my other subjects with 50s. This was after I spent a lot more time studying than I ever have for math. Watching YouTube videos, asking my teachers for help, going on ADHD medication, getting extra textbooks, neglecting my other subjects and past papers for more help, but it did nothing.
So just a week before my report would be issued, I got to planning my run away. But towards the end, I told my best friend, 17F, about it, and she got me to talk to her dad, 47M, and he reported it to my school, which of course led to my dad getting a phone call from the school. I don’t know what my dad said, but he somehow got away with it, and even got the principal on his side, saying that I was at fault for not showing him any proof of my effort, with my mom backing him up. I will admit that I didn’t show him anything because of past events where he would blow up on me for not getting that distinction he wanted, or me genuinely struggling to understand a concept, with me on the verge of tears. To rub even more salt on the wound, he even said that I was committing fraud by “falsely” reporting him.
I do understand that my actions might be seen as rash, especially since this is my dad, but since I can’t reason with him, and he doesn’t try to understand my genuine struggle and effort to keep up with a subject that I don’t even need nor want to take, I decided that I might as well leave of my own accord, so that I would be away from him. I’m not going to change my stance on this. I put it in the effort, and got my result. Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> So all that my actions did was possibly get my dad in trouble with the law, jeopardising my extended family’s finances since they are also reliant on him, put my mother in a tight spot as well, as she did almost nothing to de-escalate the situation.
My mom says that I should’ve tried to have an honest heart to heart about my struggles in math. But at the same time, I have tried to do so multiple times in the past, and it would instead result in him insulting me. But now that I have actually taken matters into my own hands through getting other people involved, and quite possibly law enforcement, I am now the one in the wrong and am being condemned for it by not talking to him.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
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Planning your escape is the right thing to do. And you have learned your friend can’t be trusted. Hopefully you can find someone you trust to help. NTA.
I cannot for the life of me see what you think you might have done wrong here. You have a bad family situation, talked about it to a friend, who got you to talk to a trusted adult. That trusted adult took action. This is what should happen. You are always allowed to talk to an adult you can trust about whatever problems you have in life. This is not “fraud”.
If financially practical, moving out as soon as you are no longer a minor, might be a good option. Meanwhile, I’d encourage you to keep on talking to the friend’s dad, or talk to a school counselor about what’s going on.
NTA.
Nta. To be honest, I don’t know that I really fully understand the situation because I’m from the US and your education system is different so I’m a bit confused. But it sounds like your dad is hypercritical and demanding, and possibly even emotionally abusive. People like this are usually very good at manipulation and turning things back on you when you try to call them out. At the end of the day, you don’t trust your dad to support you and you believe that he would kick you out. You responded to his threat by taking it seriously; if he didn’t want you to, he shouldn’t have made the threat.
But I’m concerned that running away may put you in an even worse position. Where would you go and how would you support yourself? Who could you turn to if you needed help? Bad things can happen to kids on the run. I think you did the right thing by talking to your friend’s dad, and I think you should continue to reach out to supportive adults in your life to help you deal with this situation. You can’t change your Dad, but you can find support and kindness–and you deserve it.
Go to whoever is in charge (at your school) of talking to students about personal issues. Explain that you need to know how to manage when your parents kick you out because of your grades. If they don’t believe you, ask for a meeting to be set up with you and your parents and someone in charge at the school.
Explain what your father has threatened to do, speak calmly and do not let the adults stop you from saying your piece.
Explain that the stress of the threat is too much for you, that you need someone to help you find a place to go.
At this point, your school administrator should tell your parents that threats like this are uncalled for. It might not stop your father from making more threats, but I bet he will think twice because he now will know that the school is aware of his behavior.
NTA Do insist on making your case (with your parents in the room) to school admin.
NTA. Removing yourself from an unhealthy situation is a healthy thing to do. You’re 17 and capable of making this conclusion as well as capable of figuring out how to leave and find a place to go. It’s unfortunate that someone you confided in violated your trust. Hopefully there are other more reliable and trustworthy people out there who can help you. But no, you’re not an asshole for leaving. It’s a very wise decision.