I (29F American) met my fiancé (28M British) while traveling, and we have been together for 4 years and engaged for 6 months. I’ve always been ambivalent towards marriage (but open to it); however I knew from a very young age I didn’t want a wedding. It’s just not something I’m drawn to at all. I hate the idea of wearing a wedding dress, being the center of attention, participating in wedding traditions, etc. My fiancé knows this, and my family and friends have also always known this about me.
My fiancé and I planned to elope and travel for several months on an extended honeymoon, but his family (mom and step-dad) wanted us to have a small wedding in the UK. They offered to pay for everything. I explained that it’s not about the cost for me at all, I just don’t want to have a wedding, even a small one. I think they are well-intentioned and believed paying for a small wedding with just close family and friends was a good compromise, but I didn’t want to do something I’ve never wanted to do, even if it was free.
Since my fiancé supports this, we turned them down (this officially happened last month), but now it has caused some tension with his family. AITA for turning down their offer to pay for a wedding?
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I (29F American) met my fiancé (28M British) while traveling in South America, and we have been together for 4 years and engaged for 6 months. I’ve always been ambivalent towards marriage (but open to it); however I knew from a very young age I didn’t want a wedding. It’s just not something I’m drawn to at all. I hate the idea of wearing a wedding dress, dealing with the planning/logistics, being the center of attention, participating in wedding traditions, etc. It’s just not for me, and my fiancé knows this. My family and friends have also always known this about me.
My fiancé and I planned to elope and travel for several months on an extended honeymoon, but his family (mom and step-dad) wanted us to have a small wedding in the UK. They offered to pay for everything. I explained that it’s not about the cost for me at all, I just don’t want to have a wedding, even a small one. I think they are well-intentioned and believed paying for a small wedding with just close family and friends was a good compromise, but I didn’t want to do something I’ve never wanted to do, even if it was free.
Since my fiancé supports this, we turned them down (this officially happened last month), but now it has caused some tension with his family. AITA for turning down their offer to pay for a wedding?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I turned down my fiancé’s family’s offer to pay for a wedding for us.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. But maybe offer a compromise of a wedding reception or party there?
NTA
Ultimately, it’s your marriage and your final decision.
However, there could be some room for compromise here. How about instead of a wedding, you let your in-laws host some sort of marital celebration/party? That way you don’t have to deal with the wedding dress and the traditions and the logistics but your partner’s family can still celebrate your marriage in a small, intimate setting. Just some food for thought.
Marriage is about compromise. Sometimes you do things you don’t want to do out of respect for your partner or their family. The fact that this has caused tension because you are unwilling to compromise at all makes YTA.
NTA. Just cuz it’s free doesn’t mean you gotta want it. They offered something they thought was nice, but you’ve been clear from the jump that weddings aren’t your thing. You’re not rejecting them, you’re rejecting the idea of a wedding. You and your fiancé are on the same page, and that’s what actually matters. His family will get over it at the end of the day, it’s your relationship, not theirs.
NTA and accept the fact that no matter what you choose for your nuptials, some AH is going to take offence. That is just a fact of weddings.
NTA. Unfortunately, you should have actually eloped and not told anyone of your plans (that’s what I did). Then if your fiancé’s family wants to throw you a small celebratory dinner party afterward, they can do that and you can avoid all of the planning, traditions and attention of a wedding (that’s what I did).
NTA. You don’t have to submit to a wedding you don’t want to have in the first place, even if someone else is paying for it.
If there’s tension, it’s not your fault. You and your SO have been transparent about all of this and they still wanted to maneuvere you into going through with it. They didn’t accept your answer, which is pretty disrespectful if you ask me.
NTA. This isn’t their marriage it is yours and your partner’s. You two decide are the ones that decide if you want it to be a wedding or not.
NTA for not wanting a wedding, but maybe for compromise and own enjoyment you (the family) could organise a small celebratory gathering just to have fun and meet each other, not necessarily a wedding
INFO –
Is this about a wedding or is this about his parents wanting to be present when he gets married?
Is it possible to compromise by allowing them to be present at the actual ceremony, even if that is a civil ceremony at the courthouse?
NTA
And it’s absolutely wonderful that your fiancé is on your side here and backing you up. My friend had a huge church wedding because that’s what her fiancés parents wanted. We watched her wedding video together and she looked miserable at every turn. They can throw a party for you on your return from honeymoon, it will be a much more sedate affair.
Even an elopement is a wedding. It is just a really really small, low key wedding. Could maybe the family members that want to be there the most be witnesses for your elopement?
NAH
I understand where you’re coming from.
I understand the disappointed the grooms parents must feel.
I hope the tension eases with time.
None of you are aholes for this.
“We’re paying so you can’t say no.”
Uh, no. NTA.
Soft YTA, because marriage is about compromise, and it’s going to be a long road if you don’t understand that simple fact. Did you even try talking with them about what a compromise could look like? I also wonder how your fiancé really feels about having his parents at his wedding (it is his wedding too, you know).
NTA.
Your not-wedding, your business.
Nobody has a RIGHT to your life and decisions, however as only recently some people in my close vicinity have eloped without telling anybody and I am close to their family, I would like to maybe shed some light on the other side of this conflict.
As I have been close with the brides family, I heard a lot about their feelings. Like they’re not mad or angry, but they are hurt. Most people feel like getting married is a big thing in life and a source of happiness and joy and if a close friend or relative decide to elope without them they feel sad that they were not there to celebrate it and be a part of it. It’s less of “I want you to do it the way I want” and more of “I am sad you decided to do this without us.”
Like this is the decision you and your partner need to make. But if you’re open to inviting people to join, there might be compromises. My cousin and her husband did what you are planning. They eloped and hat a big long honeymoon (though not months because people need to work) and afterward they did what they called a belated casual reception.
It was NOT a wedding per se. It was basically just a garden party for close friends and family where they showed us pictures from the trip and their elopement. We ate Pizza and Noddle Salad. No white dresses, no traditions, just love.
You are NTA but I think you chose poorly. Or rather, I think that you cannot expect to make that choice without experiencing tension and difficulties.
Weddings are important to families and his family did not ask you to participate in a 400 guest extravaganza – and they were gracious enough to foot the bill since they knew you would only be doing it for them. I suspect that if your fiance were marrying a woman who wanted a wedding, he would be willing to do it. IOW, he is supporting you but would probably have agreed to this little wedding if you had relented.
You certainly do not have to agree, you are an autonomous human being, but when you reject someone’s reasonable request, you hurt them. There is no getting away from that – and they (also autonomous human beings) have no obligation to pretend that they don’t mind.
NTA. Get married quick and go on your honeymoon, and it will blow over.
Not strictly an asshole but honestly if I were you I would just do the wedding. It will mean the world to them and will endear them much more to you, and for you it might just be a day or so of showing up. I got married last year and I wish so much I would have had this option, I think you’re incredibly lucky!
For 1/2 a day, you can accommodate the needs of others, especially when it means that much to them. You might be surprised by the lovely memories made.
It’s not about being an AH or not. It’s about whether you understand that marriage is about being part of a couple and a community.
In other words, it’s hard to tell from your post where your fiance is in all of this. Are you pressuring him to go along with you or does he genuinely want what you want? I’m not implying that you are pressuring him. It’s a question for you to consider because obviously I don’t know.
I have dual citizenship and a warning I have for you is that in my experience, Americans often get their way in relationships with British people because British people are generally more willing to compromise. However, it gets old after a while and then there’s tension. Another destructive thing is that if the American alienates their partner’s family, then the partner’s family inevitably chips away at the relationship by telling their relative (your fiance) to get out.
I don’t have much time right now and I’m not being diplomatic or careful in how I’m writing this, but I hope it’s clear that I am actually trying to help.
Summary: do not create unnecessary problems. It will not hurt you to let the parents throw a small party. There must be a solution you can live with. If there isn’t, be aware the parents will think you’re obnoxious. They may be polite, but they will not like you. Marriage is about compromise, not about just you. If your partner also doesn’t want a fuss over the wedding, then make very sure he communicates he has participated fully in the decision. Good luck.
Soft YTA You are joining a family. While it means nothing to you, it is important to them. Accept it graciously; it will provide you with good karma in the future with them.
Soft YTA. You can have a private ceremony and then have a small reception with his family and friends where you wear a nice dress and meet everyone. You dont have to wear white, throw a bouquet, or whatever. The wedding is a way for the community to welcome you and a chance for family who rarely see one another to celebrate.
NTA. You’ve been clear from day one, and it sounds like your man has your back. People need to stop acting like a wedding is a requirement for a happy marriage. It’s a party, not a life sentence. Besides, you’re a grown woman and you get to decide how you celebrate your relationship.
NTA, but only if your fiancé is in agreement. If you don’t want anything and he does, a compromise could made. I am in your boat with the wedding situation, but I could never feel it’s fair to take the whole thing away from someone I love, who really wants that.
Did yall talk about what it could look like? What if it was just a family dinner or a barbque in the garden? You don’t have to do the whole ceremony and walk down an aisle but you could dress nice and go to a gathering where people want to meet and celebrate you. I don’t know why it has to feel any different than a birthday party. It’s fine to not want a wedding, but you’re joining this family. You’re going to have to learn to compromise. It was worth a bigger conversation and it’s going to be hard to come back from it.
Very very small ESH. Certainly they were fine to offer and you’re entitled to refuse and the kind thing for them to do at that point was let it go. But imo, if they’re nice people who you like and want to have a pleasant relationship with going forward, there was room for compromise here, as a gift to them.
Personally I am like you about this, seems very unnappealing, but I told my parents and my in-laws that if they wanted to organize and pay for it all them themselves I’d show up and let them put a glittery dress on me and smile for their photographer if that would make them happy but I would not be doing this autonomously. The idea being that I’m willing to suck it up if and only if it is that important to them. None of them took me up on it, but it sounds like it is that important to your in-laws, and you should maybe think about whether you really don’t care about that?
You’re nor the asshole. You don’t have to accommodate the needs and wishes of others except your significant other’s. If you both don’t want the wedding, be it free or small, you don’t have to have one. You must be firm in things like this from the beginning, otherwise you’ll spend your whole life fending off your in-laws.
NTA I gave in and had the wedding. It was very nice but also exhausting and kind of a blur. No good memories of actually getting married. Have a party and maybe keep in touch on your trip; keep your wedding for yourselves.
So you’re asking after the fact. Not much to be done about it now unless they’d be happy with a small after party meet and greet.
NTA The comments here are crazy. No, OP doesnt have to accept to appease her in-laws. No, Op doesn’t have to compromise with anyone else then her fiancé. This is their marriage, they can and should start it however the fuck they want.
YTA for not advocating better for yourself, and not holding your nose a little for your partner’s sake.
You can get married in a suit, you can have a themed party, and if his friends and family want to celebrate his marriage, that’s not a bad thing.
Sit down with your husband and consider what you want. How many guests, what kind of venue, what kind of cake (cake is good), what kind of food.
Then apologise to his parents. Tell them you panicked, you had a lot of pressure, but now that you’ve had a chance to discuss it with your husband, this is the party you would want to throw.
Do not expect them to pay, that train probably has left for good, but with a bit of luck, you’ll be able to turn this into a memory of a panicked bride, not the story of how awful you are.
Then go and celebrate your marriage.
NTA obviously.
It’s going to be super useful to remember these are people you’re going to have a familial relationship with for the rest of their lives.
INFO. Can there just be a compromise in the form of visiting them as one of your stops on this long extended honeymoon and they’re allowed to have a reception for you with family and friends? No actual ceremony?
You are the real deal, an independent thinker. Good for you. Keep it up. Absolutely NTA
They are trying to control you. They will also try to do so in other ways if this is not nipped in the bud. Especially if you have kids.