TW: eating disorders / alcoholism
I (30F) am proud of my ability to navigate through conflict in a healthy, respectful way. I grew up around adults who were incapable of doing the same. This dynamic has existed for generations in my family. Substance abuse has been passed down and has remained unchecked and deeply secretive. My siblings and I were constantly walking on eggshells. An argument in our household felt like the end of the world. Children were not allowed to express concerns or set boundaries. Constructive criticism was seen as a personal attack. The lines between parent and child were blurred beyond recognition. Despite this, I have sympathy for our family. I understand this is generational. The way I was made to feel as a child is the way my mother was made to feel as well. These cycles are difficult to break. It’s complicated, but I love my mom. As my siblings and I have gotten older, we’ve been able to talk to her about these things.
When we were young, I BEGGED my aunt to help us. I told her everything that was going on in our house. She said, “that’s awful. I had no idea.” And then nothing. Not even a follow up. It was like it didn’t happen.
I’ve been with my fiancee for 6 years. He’s one of the main reasons why I can reflect on my childhood with such clarity. The more I shared with him, the more he shared with me. He told me he’s struggled with an eating disorder since he was 12. 2 years ago, his ED worsened. It was really, really bad. I barely recognized him. He finally agreed to go to treatment. While he was there, I told my family about some comments they’ve made that COULD be triggering to him. This should have been simple. But, aside from my mom, they wouldn’t know a healthy conversation if it shot them in the head. My grandma’s reaction was “fine, I’m a horrible person, I’ll never speak again.” My aunt didn’t answer for days, then finally replied “you could have said that more nicely.”
A few months ago during Easter brunch, my aunt said she saw a woman jogging on her drive, and the woman was “huge.” I shook my head at her. She said, “I’m just saying, do people that big really think a light jog is gonna do anything?” My fiancee looked at me, but it was like he was looking through me. I could tell he was close to tears. I lost my mind. My grandma tried to get me to stop because, and I quote, “It’s Easter.” I said it made sense that my aunt has been told to stop making these comments for years and then pretends she was never told, considering she did the same thing when I begged for her help as a child. When she said my fiancee was making things worse by crying, I told her she was no longer invited to our wedding. I haven’t spoken to her since. My mom and siblings support my decision. My grandparents do not. I’m posting this because I still feel guilty. No matter how weird it might sound, I worry I was too harsh. I KNOW half of my family thinks I’m an asshole for this. What do you all think?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
TW: eating disorders / alcoholism
I (30F) am proud of my ability to navigate through conflict in a healthy, respectful way. I grew up around adults who were incapable of doing the same. This dynamic has existed for generations in my family. Substance abuse has been passed down and has remained unchecked and deeply secretive. My siblings and I were constantly walking on eggshells. An argument in our household felt like the end of the world. Children were not allowed to express concerns or set boundaries. Constructive criticism was seen as a personal attack. The lines between parent and child were blurred beyond recognition. Despite this, I have sympathy for our family. I understand this is generational. The way I was made to feel as a child is the way my mother was made to feel as well. These cycles are difficult to break. It’s complicated, but I love my mom. As my siblings and I have gotten older, we’ve been able to talk to her about these things.
When we were young, I BEGGED my aunt to help us. I told her everything that was going on in our house. She said, “that’s awful. I had no idea.” And then nothing. Not even a follow up. It was like it didn’t happen.
I’ve been with my fiancee for 6 years. He’s one of the main reasons why I can reflect on my childhood with such clarity. The more I shared with him, the more he shared with me. He told me he’s struggled with an eating disorder since he was 12. 2 years ago, his ED worsened. It was really, really bad. I barely recognized him. He finally agreed to go to treatment. While he was there, I told my family about some comments they’ve made that COULD be triggering to him. This should have been simple. But, aside from my mom, they wouldn’t know a healthy conversation if it shot them in the head. My grandma’s reaction was “fine, I’m a horrible person, I’ll never speak again.” My aunt didn’t answer for days, then finally replied “you could have said that more nicely.”
A few months ago during Easter brunch, my aunt said she saw a woman jogging on her drive, and the woman was “huge.” I shook my head at her. She said, “I’m just saying, do people that big really think a light jog is gonna do anything?” My fiancee looked at me, but it was like he was looking through me. I could tell he was close to tears. I lost my mind. My grandma tried to get me to stop because, and I quote, “It’s Easter.” I said it made sense that my aunt has been told to stop making these comments for years and then pretends she was never told, considering she did the same thing when I begged for her help as a child. When she said my fiancee was making things worse by crying, I told her she was no longer invited to our wedding. I haven’t spoken to her since. My mom and siblings support my decision. My grandparents do not. I’m posting this because I still feel guilty. No matter how weird it might sound, I worry I was too harsh. I KNOW half of my family thinks I’m an asshole for this. What do you all think?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I uninvited my aunt to my wedding for offending my husband. Half of my family thinks I’m an asshole for doing this. I’m not sure if they’re right, or if my actions were justified.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA You would be perfectly fine to cut contact with her for not helping you as a child. Keeping her away from your fiance when she won’t moderate her comments knowing they are an actual life threatening problem for him is doing for him what she wouldn’t do for you. She’s being deliberately unkind.
NTA. Your job is to protect your husband first and foremost. You were not too harsh. You clarified your boundary that was stepped on and ignored. Your job is to not allow that to happen again, so you are making sure that YOUR WEDDING isn’t ruined by someone who has proven she is “not capable” of respect towards you or your husband. She is getting the consequences of her action, something she probably has never received before.
NTA.
Being related to you by blood isn’t a guaranteed lifetime pass to have access to you or to all the special moments in your life.
NTA, your Aunt sucks. No one, even strangers, should be shamed for exercising. A jog would absolutely do something and your Aunts comments are disgusting.
You are not the asshole, not even close. What you are is brave, protective, and committed to breaking cycles of harm that have gone unchecked for generations. That takes serious strength.
You set a boundary to protect someone you love, someone who trusted you enough to share one of the most vulnerable parts of himself. You recognized a harmful pattern, you communicated clearly, and you followed through when your boundaries were ignored. That’s not cruelty, that’s integrity.
Your aunt’s comment wasn’t just a slip up. It was callous, triggering, and part of a larger pattern of hurtful behavior that she’s repeatedly been asked to stop. Her refusal to take responsibility, and then blaming your fiancé for his emotions, shows just how deep the denial runs. Your anger wasn’t too much. It was proportionate to years of being dismissed, silenced, and told that your pain was inconvenient or impolite.
You even point out something that many people miss: your love and empathy for your family. You understand where their behavior comes from. You don’t hate them. You just refuse to let that pain continue unchecked, especially around someone vulnerable who depends on you.
So no, you weren’t too harsh. You were finally drawing the line that should have been drawn for you when you were a child.
It’s okay to feel guilt, that’s what being compassionate does. But don’t let that guilt make you second guess the courage it took to say enough. You’re not the asshole. You’re the change your family needed all along.
NTA. I don’t think you went far enough. Your grandmother and aunt don’t sound like people you need in your life.