My fiancée and I are planning a wedding in Japan (she is Japanese), and we are doing it with the intention of it being somewhat of a more intimate and private ceremony, with me only inviting 10 close friends and 4 family members, and her inviting roughly the same number.
My mom however, really pushed me to invite 3 of her close friends, whom I do not know at all, and the idea of strangers at such a personal event made me incredibly reluctant and uncomfortable. Despite that, after a lot of persuasion from my mom, I reluctantly gave her a verbal ”okay” just to avoid conflict and also to appease her.
As the wedding gets closer and us about to send out the official wedding invitations, my feelings about them coming intensified; the thought of them being there made me feel uneasy and in my opinion, takes away the intimate vision I had for my own wedding.
Another thing to note is that my mother is offering to pay for all their flights because technically, they are the guests that she is inviting. My family isn’t exactly well-off, and the financial burden placed on her (despite it being on her own volition), makes me feel even worse. The flights and hotels haven’t been booked yet, and neither have her friends taken days off from work for the wedding, and after having a difficult conversation with my mom, I’ve told her that her friends will not be invited to the wedding.
It was incredibly hard, and I know that I had put her in a very awkward position since she had already given them the word and offered to pay for their travels.
AITA?
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My fiancée and I are planning a wedding in Japan (she is Japanese), and we are doing it with the intention of it being somewhat of a more intimate and private ceremony, with me only inviting 10 close friends and 4 family members, and her inviting roughly the same number.
My mom however, really pushed me to invite 3 of her close friends, whom I do not know at all, and the idea of strangers at such a personal event made me incredibly reluctant and uncomfortable. Despite that, after a lot of persuasion from my mom, I reluctantly gave her a verbal ”okay” just to avoid conflict and also to appease her.
As the wedding gets closer and us about to send out the official wedding invitations, my feelings about them coming intensified; the thought of them being there made me feel uneasy and in my opinion, takes away the intimate vision I had for my own wedding.
Another thing to note is that my mother is offering to pay for all their flights because technically, they are the guests that she is inviting. My family isn’t exactly well-off, and the financial burden placed on her (despite it being on her own volition), makes me feel even worse. The flights and hotels haven’t been booked yet, and neither have her friends taken days off from work for the wedding, and after having a difficult conversation with my mom, I’ve told her that her friends will not be invited to the wedding.
It was incredibly hard, and I know that I had put her in a very awkward position since she had already given them the word and offered to pay for their travels.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave my mom the word and now went back on my word, causing her to be in an awkward situation with her friend. I dont know if im the asshole for priritizing my feelings over hers
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA for not saying no from the very start. You created this situation by not being firm about what you and your fiancée want for the wedding. If you’re old enough to be married, you’re old enough to assert yourself with your mother. Start now, or this is going to keep coming up in the future.
ESH
This is what happens when adults don’t speak plainly and honestly.
I wonder, is your father coming with your mom? Did she want them there as travel companions? Trying to understand why your mom pushed so much for this. Social cred?
Your mom could still feasibly take them with her, they just would have to find something else to do during your wedding ceremony.
If you allowed them to come with much misgivings, them you would have been ta to yourself, so no, NTA.
AH – You’re getting married and let people walk all over you. You did this to yourself
I don’t usually encourage lying, but lie to your mom and tell her you needed to replace them with close friends and now go find some close friends. This way she can save a little bit of face.
Everyone might be assholes to some extent.
You should have been direct with your mom in the beginning. Before you approach it now, please explore what parts of your wedding adventure you’d like to be friends and family only.
If you find that some parts of the celebrations are less intimate, share that with your mom. Perhaps her extended friend-family can join in her celebrations of you and your bride in ways that aren’t invasive. This might meet some of your mom’s desire for her village to share in her pride and joy that she has in you without crossing your boundaries or making it awkward.
YTA. No need to have invited mom’s friends at the outset. But disinviting them after she told them they are invited is really offensive. Also not your place to police your mom’s finances unless she owes you money and isn’t paying it back. You’ve hurt 4 people’s feelings needlessly because you are immature and too passive and avoidant to just tell your mom “no” at the start of this. Grow up.
NTA. Better to do it before the flights and hotels were booked and paid. Tough conversation to have, I know. But you did it before commitments were made, so NTA
NTA. Sometimes we say yes or no without really thinking it through. You could have said I’ll think about it but You’re mom shouldn’t have asked in the first place. It’s not her event.
YTA. You needed to say no the first time. I think you knew it was ultimately going to be a no when you first said yes, you just made this awful for everyone.
ESH. Your mom can’t invite people to an event she’s not planning and you need to say no instead of “I guess”. You essentially okayed her behavior
Weird that your mums friends would even want to go to a wedding of someone who they don’t even know! 🫣🫠
ESH. Because I was put in a similar position as you, unfortunately, so I might have a better understanding. However. You’re still an ah for not holding the line right from the start. My mom pulled something similar when my wife and I were planning our wedding. Apparently it’s a cultural tradition in my mom’s home country to literally invite every last person on earth who shares a few molecules of DNA with you to your wedding. I’m not kidding. No matter how much we pushed back, she insisted we absolutely had to send out an extra 100 invites to people I literally hadn’t interacted with in over 20 years. That we would “look bad” if we didn’t do this, and, don’t worry, “pretty much all of them will just say no since they don’t want to travel”. Well. Um. One of them said yes! So I told my mom, you have be the one to tell them they’re not really invited because we literally have no room on the guest list. We’re up against actual occupancy laws here. She wouldn’t do it. And guess what. Cherry on top. That mother fucker, booked the tickets, hotel room and everything. Got all the way to the fucking airport gate and turned around and went home. I almost fucking screamed when my dad told me that the day before my wedding. So. I’m proud of you for finally standing up for yourself. But, again. You should have heald the line from the start.