I (26F) am 10 weeks pregnant. My partner (28M) and I told our immediate families early but made it VERY clear we weren’t telling anyone else until after the first trimester.
Last night, my fiancé’s sister (29F) posted a story on instagram. It was a “get ready with me” for a family dinner we had LAST weekend. She then causally indirectly talks about becoming an auntie..She tagged me and my fiancé.
I saw it when I got a notification that I was tagged. I had over 50 messages from distant friends and coworkers before I could even process it. We hadn’t even told our friends yet.
I was totally mad, called her screaming. She tried to say it was “an accident” and that she “forgot” and she was just teasing.
I told her she was uninvited from our wedding. She cried, my future in-laws are furious, saying I’m overreacting and “ruining the family” over a “silly social media post.” They say I should just be happy people are excited.
My fiancé is on my side
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I (26F) am 10 weeks pregnant. My partner (28M) and I told our immediate families early but made it VERY clear we weren’t telling anyone else until after the first trimester.
Last night, my fiancé’s sister (29F) posted a story on instagram. It was a “get ready with me” for a family dinner we had LAST weekend. She then causally indirectly talks about becoming an auntie..She tagged me and my fiancé.
I saw it when I got a notification that I was tagged. I had over 50 messages from distant friends and coworkers before I could even process it. We hadn’t even told our friends yet.
I was totally mad, called her screaming. She tried to say it was “an accident” and that she “forgot” and she was just teasing.
I told her she was uninvited from our wedding. She cried, my future in-laws are furious, saying I’m overreacting and “ruining the family” over a “silly social media post.” They say I should just be happy people are excited.
My fiancé is on my side
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> I might be the ahole, because uninviting her from our wedding is causing major family drama.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA not only did she go against your wishes, she also took away your joy of making that announcement yourselves.
Some people genuinely forget out of their own excitement. Some people like just spreading news themselves without concern or respect for what others have said. Based on what you know of your fiance’s sister, you will know which of these camps she falls into.
You can’t undo what she did, and of course you’re going to be furious with her. I think uninviting her from the wedding would be something that could cause long-term resentment in the family, and could alienate her long-term as well.
Annoying as it is – and I TOTALLY get it – it might be better to just avoid sharing secrets with her in the future, and let her attend the wedding, just to keep the peace within the wider family.
It wasn’t an accident. She made a social media post. That was on purpose. There really isn’t any coming back from that in regards to your relationship with her. She’s basically ruined that forever. You cannot trust her just remember that.
As far as uninviting her from your wedding, I get it. I may have gone the root of removing her from the wedding party and making her just a plain old guest.
Also, lesson learned. Don’t tell anyone about any future pregnancies or anything that you don’t want people to know, until you actually want them to know.
While I think you are NTA for being upset, univiting her based on this one issue seems over reactive. You are marrying into this family, it is worth potential lifelong resentment? However, if future SIL has a habit of this sort of attention seeking behavior at the expense of others, then it is a different story.
Your fiance is on your side. That is all that matters.
I don’t think you should announce your pregnancy to two families and consider it to be a secret. She should not be punished for not remembering to wait two weeks for a second announcement which would be the end of the first trimester unless she has a pattern of malicious behavior. I’m assuming it will be quite clear to everyone by the time of the wedding.
>>I had over 50 messages from distant friends and coworkers
Sure Jan.
So was it an accident or was she teasing, cause I’m pretty sure those would contradict each other here. I’m not so convinced this was exalted an accident. And if that’s the case, I wouldn’t want someone like that around in general, not just at my wedding.
NTA but I do think you should rethink uninviting her. Not because what she did wasn’t malicious and deliberate, but to keep the peace with your in laws.
At the very least, you know who you can and can’t trust with sensitive information anymore, your sister in law and by extension, your in laws.
I’m sorry this happened to you, but I would play this in a different way, so that she can’t come out of it looking like a victim to your future in laws.
NTa, and your in-laws reaction says it all.
You made it clear you wanted NO ONE to know other than those you personally told. After your SiL told everyone, your in-laws said you should just be happy people are excited.
I would seriously rethink how involved I want them in my child’s life after this. Apparently, your boundaries and wants mean nothing to them.
NTA
But you could’ve also just not told anyone yet until you were ready to let the world know.
ESH. She shouldn’t have said anything, but telling a bunch of people big news and then expecting them to keep it a secret is a really dumb move. And uninviting her from the wedding is a pretty ridiculous reaction unless this is something she frequently does.
To quote Benjamin Franklin, “Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.”
NTA Your wedding, your guest list. Your fiance is in your side and that is all you need
ATA:
dude… seriously? you’re a grown woman, take some time to reflect on your behavior.
NTA. At all. However, IF you want to calm the family ruckus down, you could offer her a chance to earn her invite back. All she would have to do is delete the post and make another apologizing for sharing news she knew she shouldn’t, just to get likes and comments. The new post has to go up immediately and stay up through the wedding. If she does that, she can attend.
YTA
She fucked up, but she didn’t fuck up enough for you to ban her from her own brother’s wedding. Your inlaws are right, this is a massive overreaction on your part.
Furthermore, you say you made it VERY clear you weren’t telling anyone else until after the first trimester, but what sounds very clear to you doesn’t necessarily sound very clear to others. What were your exact words?
I can see being upset, but not inviting her to the wedding? That is assholish behavior.
ESH. It was silly for you to tell your immediate family at 10 weeks. People struggle to hold on to those type of secrets. She had no business telling your news. She wanted attention.
NTA. You can’t get what should have been a joyful moment back. There will be many more, but she had no right to take this from you and your fiancé.
It clearly wasn’t an accident, she chose to post and tag you.
I would only rethink about re inviting her to your wedding if she gives you a true, full apology and this is not one of a pattern of similar issues.
Congratulations on the pregnancy and upcoming marriage ☺️ I hope it goes smoothly for you, and things with the in-laws calm down soon.
As future parents it is normal that you are very happy with this very good news. But why didn’t you keep all this to yourself for two weeks??? You know very well that this kind of news is nothing but happiness. If 15 days were missing to certify the first trimester for health reasons you should have kept it for both of you. It should have been both YOUR secret. The news was too crazy, she forgot that you had to be discreet, you shouldn’t tell the family.
NTA. I would rescind her invitation as well. Who does what she did??
NTA
Esh…
She’s Tah for posting that but you shouldn’t have said anything and go way overboard by uninviting his sister for a wedding.
You can be mad at her and stay mad but to uninvited is childish.
Tough lesson to learn. Trust no one with new news. Even family. Re-invite her but never ever trust her again. And congratulations on both!
That’s super annoying, and you’re not TA. She’s not someone you can trust moving forward, keep her at arms length. But for the sake of your families relationships, consider a test. Phone her to apologise , reinstate her invitation, and back these both up on writing or as texts. See how she responds, if she then genuinely apologises them she has a future as an auntie. If she doesn’t, never forget her actions and appropriateness as an aunty. Do you want someone so selfish caring for your kid , prob6 not.
If she was teasing , she didn’t forget tho .
YTA
It seems like exactly the sort of thing someone would actually mindedly do, and expect military grade operational security out of friends and family it is not reasonable. It does seem like you’re severely overreacting, and like you had invested too much in keeping the pregnancy secret in the first place.
She wants online attention then fine. Make a “silly little media post”. Don’t mention her name, just make it obvious that it’s her, and tag her. Just a normal social media post where you casually mention that there is someone in your life you’ve had to distance yourself from, until she’s got her little problem under control.
“It’s so sad seeing someone you love do this to themselves. We’ve tried to help, but she refuses. And in the end we have had to take a step back to protect ourselves until she gets better.”
Never say anything she can call you out on. If anyone asks you for specifics “it’s not your place to say.” Never mention names or identifying markers. If she calls you out, don’t deny. Play the concerned SIL part. If she gets nasty, play the victim. “ It’s so hard when she gets this way. I just wish she would get some help.”
While you’re not completely the AH, you are to a degree for blabbing in the first place. My late father always said if you don’t want something known, keep your lips zipped and don’t write it down.
NTA your sister in law needs to learn consequence. You don’t just make a video and make an announcement. She’s an idiot and needs to learn how not to be.
NTA However, for the sake of family relations, I would reinvite SIL to the wedding. I would change the consequence to a very delayed meeting of the baby.
No phone call from the hospital, and the last one of the family to come visit.
Hello! yes, you are. Really exaggerated reaction from your part. Depending how well you actually know her and her intentions, maybe she was just really excited. And even if she just wanted attention, as long as she has good thoughts and behavior towards you in general, it’s fine. You are creating a drama and while your husband is on your side, you are making everyone stressed and upset about this. SIL should apologize, next time you should keep your secrets and everyone is happy. It’s clear you are not friends.
YTA
She didn’t act well. But this tit for tat nonsense is not how grown adults should manage conflict. You two immature ladies will be in each lives for ever even if the marriage doesn’t last as you’ll share a relative (the baby).
Rather than hit back in anger – ignore the NC advice from similarly immature peeps or bots on Reddit.
Instead try and act like the mature person who can manage irritation that you will need to be as a parent and long term partner. Speak with the SiL and have a heart to heart explaining how disappointed you are and agreeing how to respect each other better going forward. Who knows you could end up good friends and support for each other longer term.
Nta for being upset and telling her such a thing and having less contact with her especially if she didn’t apologise
Ywbta for not inviting her to the wedding though thats a bit extreme. To be honest even if I was 35 weeks pregnant I still wouldn’t want my sister or sister in law commenting about it on social media and tagging me. Saying I’m going to be an auntie and leaving it at that id be ok with but calling me out and or tagging me would really irritate me because I don’t like social media posts and I don’t like lots of people knowing my business. It is her business to be excited about becoming an auntie fine whatever
ESH.
Don’t share shit you don’t want spread. But also going as far to uninvite your fiancés sister from his wedding is a bit much. I get you’re upset and you have a right to be, but you don’t get to go scorched earth and ruin a life moment with his family over this.
Obviously SIL is an AH for not following the request from you. She should apologize profusely and make sure she keeps her word with you from here on out.
NTA
You don’t accidentally film yourself getting ready and then accidentally talk about becoming an auntie. You also don’t then accidentally tag people in your instagram story.
She knew you wanted it kept private, she just didn’t care. If she had actually forgotten, she would be apologising to you.
Uninviting from your wedding is completely over the top they are right.
You should however be annoyed about her announcing the baby, she was at fault for that but to cut her from your life, come on. Nobody is actually physically hurt and harmed because of it, it won’t actually affect your kids life and she was just overly happy for you. At the present, does it change anything other than you being in control.
At the end of the day you are pregnant, it’s still true no matter what she said. Secrets always get leaked eventually. I guarantee other family members have told other people too but they kept it quiet and pretend to you they don’t know, always happens.
The kids life is more important than anything, do you really want to remove a potential support from their life? It’s in your best interest to build and solidify your extended family relationships not destroy them. You will need to lean on her some day
ESH.
She’s an AH for leaking the pregnancy – it’s a really shitty thing to do and I don’t blame you for being livid. I also wouldn’t blame you if you distanced yourself and set appropriate boundaries around what you decide to tell her in the future.
But, uninviting her to your wedding is not boundary setting, and is a disproportionate response to what she did. Setting boundaries is about preventing a similar situation in the future and about responses to specific behaviours that enable you to protect yourself. Here you can absolutely tell her that you won’t be sharing this kind of thing in the future.
The advantage of specific boundary setting like this is that it doesn’t really matter what their intent is – it’s about you and what you need. It doesn’t matter if she “forgot” or if she intended to do it, your response is the same – “Fine, you forgot, you’ve shown that you’re prone to forgetting, I won’t be sharing this type of news with you in the future.”
NTA. Who even does that to someone?! She knew it was supposed to be secret. Especially because you’re still very early on in the pregnancy. It’s placing on you extra unneeded stress.