For context, I (25M) am Autistic, and I struggle with social cues, but I try my best to be aware.
We had a get together with some family. My Uncle’s BF(55M) was there, who we’ll call Brett. We often get along, and I enjoy chatting because there’s good banter, ribbing, and debate.
Today we were talking about books. At one point he said something like “I like books, but I don’t like to read”, to which I jokingly replied “But, that’s how books work”, as banter. Later he questioned my Wife and I rereading books, which he thought was weird. While asking why he doesn’t re-read books, he basically said it’s because it takes him forever. I jokingly said “Sounds like a skill issue”
He went off on me publicly and said that was “A C*nty thing to say” and that “I called him stupid to his face”. I didn’t think he was serious, but after realizing he was offended I tried to explain and apologize. I told him I didn’t mean to be hurtful, and that Skill Issue is internet speak, but Brett said that my intention didn’t matter, and soon left the room.
Later I asked Brett if we could talk. I said I was sorry what I said hurt him, and I never meant to do that. I also said his response went too far, even though I got where it came from. He doubled down, saying he’d do it again. He again said my intention was irrelevant. I called out that on past occasions he has called my Wife’s eating habits “Disgusting”, made remarks about how weird we are, and more. He said those were just jokes, and didn’t acknowledge the hypocrisy when I pointed it out, and said I shouldn’t use logic here. All this time I am still apologetic, and said I would like to just leave this behind us if we can.
He took this time to point out that apparently this wasn’t the first time I’d said something that offended him, and claimed that I “treat him like the help” simply because I don’t always say hi to him, even though I’ll have full conversations with him. I said that he should have told me, because how could I know, especially given my Autism, which he knows I have. He acted like I was making excuses, and I clarified that it’s not an excuse, simply a likely contributing factor that I can’t help. I also told him if it happens again to come tell me directly and we can deal with it, and if he wants me to cut the banter and ribbing when we talk then I will. He claimed now I want him to censor me so he’s the bad guy.
I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere, so I ended by apologizing again, acknowledging that I’ll probably mess up in the future, but I’ll work on it, and I’d like to move past this and be cordial. He begrudgingly accepted.
On the drive home I talked with my Wife, and she agreed that while my initial comment was a bit out of line (which I can see now), the situation escalated because of his remarks. I recapped how the talk went, and she agreed that he was being stubborn and hypocritical.
So, AITA?
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For context, I (25M) am Autistic, and I struggle with social cues, but I try my best to be aware.
We had a get together with some family. My Uncle’s BF(55M) was there, who we’ll call Brett. We often get along, and I enjoy chatting because there’s good banter, ribbing, and debate.
Today we were talking about books. At one point he said something like “I like books, but I don’t like to read”, to which I jokingly replied “But, that’s how books work”, as banter. Later he questioned my Wife and I rereading books, which he thought was weird. While asking why he doesn’t re-read books, he basically said it’s because it takes him forever. I jokingly said “Sounds like a skill issue”
He went off on me publicly and said that was “A C*nty thing to say” and that “I called him stupid to his face”. I didn’t think he was serious, but after realizing he was offended I tried to explain and apologize. I told him I didn’t mean to be hurtful, and that Skill Issue is internet speak, but Brett said that my intention didn’t matter, and soon left the room.
Later I asked Brett if we could talk. I said I was sorry what I said hurt him, and I never meant to do that. I also said his response went too far, even though I got where it came from. He doubled down, saying he’d do it again. He again said my intention was irrelevant. I called out that on past occasions he has called my Wife’s eating habits “Disgusting”, made remarks about how weird we are, and more. He said those were just jokes, and didn’t acknowledge the hypocrisy when I pointed it out, and said I shouldn’t use logic here. All this time I am still apologetic, and said I would like to just leave this behind us if we can.
He took this time to point out that apparently this wasn’t the first time I’d said something that offended him, and claimed that I “treat him like the help” simply because I don’t always say hi to him, even though I’ll have full conversations with him. I said that he should have told me, because how could I know, especially given my Autism, which he knows I have. He acted like I was making excuses, and I clarified that it’s not an excuse, simply a likely contributing factor that I can’t help. I also told him if it happens again to come tell me directly and we can deal with it, and if he wants me to cut the banter and ribbing when we talk then I will. He claimed now I want him to censor me so he’s the bad guy.
I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere, so I ended by apologizing again, acknowledging that I’ll probably mess up in the future, but I’ll work on it, and I’d like to move past this and be cordial. He begrudgingly accepted.
On the drive home I talked with my Wife, and she agreed that while my initial comment was a bit out of line (which I can see now), the situation escalated because of his remarks. I recapped how the talk went, and she agreed that he was being stubborn and hypocritical.
So, AITA?
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> The action I took was accidentally insulting my Uncle’s BF using internet slang (which I later apologized for). I might be the asshole for saying something without thinking and hurting someone’s feelings
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I just looked up “skill issue.” If it means what i think it means, it was a not very nice thing to say. Since you know what it means, autism or not, you know it’s not a compliment. Since he points out your wife’s eating habits, he isn’t nice either. So ESH.
NTA – You made a lighthearted comment in a context where banter was the norm, and when it landed wrong, you IMMEDIATELY tried to explain and apologize. That’s not malicious. That’s socially responsible. Brett’s reaction wasn’t just disproportionate, it was hypocritical. He’s made snide remarks about your wife’s eating habits and called you “weird,” but when the tables turn, suddenly YOUR jokes are unforgivable?
You weren’t dismissive. You were thoughtful, patient, and repeatedly tried to deescalate. You even acknowledged your Autism not as an excuse, but as context for why direct communication matters. Brett, on the other hand, refused to engage in good faith, dismissed your intentions entirely, and twisted your offer to respect his boundaries into an accusation of censorship.
You’re not the asshole for making a joke. You’re not the asshole for apologizing. And you’re DEFINITELY not the asshole for expecting the same grace you’ve given him.
ESH skill issue literally means being bad at something so yes you called him stupid. But he’s clearly a bad person for commenting on your wife. You all suck and maybe should stop with the “jokes”
NTA/ESH. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out. Your uncle’s boyfriend can’t take it and also your previous recountings of things he’s said shows he’s been an ass too. It seems like maybe he got a bit insecure from the book thing and I will say that it’s tough trying to joke w things like that, especially when you don’t know if he could perhaps have dyslexia or something. I would be tougher on you for what you said, but my family has lots of ppl with autism, dyslexia, etc, and from your post it seems like you’ve done good reflection, while I doubt your uncles bf has. I would advise to probably remember to do the colloquial niceties of convos like hellos to him if he’s shown he’s sensitive to that. I also struggle with cues like that but this might j be a situation where you’ll have to apologize and be more cordial rather than casual at family get togethers w him when he’s present
I use skill issue all the time with my closest friends and we all know it’s a joke/internet slang. However, even if we assume he didn’t know what it means and got upset because of it, you still apologized and explained the meaning of that term. He on the other hand went off the rails calling you the C word, commenting on your wife’s eating habits, and saying you’re weird. Sounds like a skill issue on his part. NTA.
A grown man being mad because he isnt literate and you made a passing jab about it?
NTA. Maybe he should like….. read more books.
ESH.
But much more so the other person. Borderline NTA.
Your comment on skill issue was wrong. It does imply someone is either dumb or worse, not willing to put the effort in.
However, the person apparently made comments about your wife that are even worse. Saying its a skill issue •could• be a playful jab. Calling your wife’s eating habits “disgusting” … not as likely. It’s the sort of comments that lead to miserable relationships with food.
If someone makes a comment that hurts, its important to stand up for yourself. And those you love. Meanwhile, its always a good idea to make sure your own words reflect yourself positively. Do as you did when you mess up, apologize. Your uncle could learn to apologize too
Your uncle did not get that you were joking. So, NTA, but maybe leave the banter behind with him and have normal conversations instead. Banter should be only very occasional as it does tend to turn to derision.
NTA. … He begrudgingly accepted…. Good, you handled the situation perfectly well. Congratulations on being mature and reasonable, respectful and considerate. You learnt something from the situation and you do not need to continue to feel bad about it or for him. You did good.
NTA – you try to explain the situation to him and reconcile, and if he has a behavior of being this terrible to you and your wife and the past, he has no right to be offended when you call him out.
Even if you were being mean, he has no right to treat you the way that you have described.
NTA. You were joking around and when he was offended you tried to explain and he didn’t care. You point out hurtful things he said but his reply is “It WaS jUsT jOkEs!”
This ruling is complicated.
NTA. Re-reading books isn’t weird. That the first place where your uncle’s BF started making the conversation turn negative.
YTA. You shouldn’t have said that it’s a skill-issue for him to re-read, it sounds like he was alluding to a reading disability.
NTA. Him repeatedly calling you and your wife weird and saying her eating habits are disgusting is absolutely rude.
You not saying “hi” is null or rude, depending on situational context.
You flubbed with your skill-issue comment but he keeps finding reasons to have problems with you. I suggest you do your best to avoid having direct conversations with him.
NTA – My younger brother is autistic and it’s this sort of ignorance that grinds my gears with people.
I’ve watched him say some borderline over the line things, and people fly off the handle and to him it’s regular conversation/banter. No malice, or ill intent.
I understand when people don’t know he’s autistic, but when they do, conversation informing it was hurtful to inform him on the impact is more than suffice.
Not to make this completely about autism because I don’t want to make this singularly about autism when it isn’t – he’s TA here completely.
You said something he didn’t like, which IMO, isn’t even offensive. It’s VERY light banter. His comments about you and your wife being weird, and a personal attack said with a smile about your wife’s eating habits far outweighs this comment made.
Don’t apologise or sensor yourself – based on what you’ve told us, he’s being overly sensitive, hypocritical, and entirely entitled to degrading those around him, without ability to take it back. Classic case of ‘do as I say, not as I do’.
NTA. I personally relate to your sense of humor.
ESH
Its not just Internet speak. That phrase has been around since before Google etc. You’re literally saying theyre too stupid to read compared to you.
You did however immediately apologise.
Their reaction was however a bit OTT considering the context of banter.
NTA – he does have skill issues lol
You , are DEFINITELY NOT the AH!!
He sounds like a big overgrown baby! He definitely took it too far once you basically grovelled asking for forgiveness. Yet he still went on. I’m angry for you!! My son has both Down Syndrome and Autism and if family doesn’t understand, who will? Makes me sad that we live in such an ignorant world. Of course not all, but too many. That’s for sure.
Nta at all. I honestly don’t even care if you meant it as its original meaning, you’re still not the AH. If he hadn’t said you 2 were weird for rereading books, he never would’ve gotten his little feelings hurt. People who are saying you share the blame or anything, ignore them. If someone shoots at me and I shoot back and win the gun fight, I’m not suddenly the perpetrator because I hit a vital spot🤣. Just as you’re not the AH in this situation
NTA
If we skip the part where it was joking banter and try to analyze it as serious comment – you didn’t call him stupid, you said skill issue. You can’t fix stupid, you can fix lack of skill by practicing.
I agree with your wife. The skill issue quip was kind of rude, but he blew it way out of proportion, especially considering you have a history of back and forth jokes with him. His comment about being treated like “the help” is more insensitive than your skill issue quip anyway. NTA.
NTA, this was really hilarious.
Sounds like he’s the sort that can dish it out, but can’t take it if he’s being this overly defensive in the discussion you had. My advice? Just don’t bother with this guy anymore. He doesn’t seem worth it.
Kinda ESH but mostly NTA – your uncles bf is an asshole.
Your uncles bf is a grown man who comments on your wife’s eating habits and can’t take what he dishes out, but telling him that he has a skill issue is pretty much what he said, calling him stupid. But you apologised when you realised he was actually hurt by it and did some good reflecting, which I applaud you for. But if he gets so easily offended when he bullies people’s eating habits? He’s a grown ass man FFS he needs to grow up a little and maybe quit commenting on your wife. You two are the ones bantering and she shouldn’t be dragged into it by him because he has nothing else to target for his jokes. He definitely blew it up when you attempted to de-escalate things.
NTA, don’t dish it if you can’t take it. OP you’ve been more upfront and mature than Brett by miles at this point, you did nothing wrong. You took accountability and apologized and said you’d work on your behavior. Nothing more you could’ve done there. If Brett has a problem he should be upfront about it and speak up.
NTA and, by the way, that response was fire, I laughed so hard🤣
But you didn’t do anything wrong, honestly it was a pretty harmless joke and, especially since you were bantering the entire time, he took it way too personally which is probably because you hit a sore stop with him. If he had just brushed it off or maybe even asked not to joke about that it would’ve been one thing, but he went nuclear on you which says more about his insecurities than your response. Even without autism that joke feels pretty innocent to me, especially given the things Brett has said to you and your wife in the past which, “jokes” or not, were just straight up insults, and you (I assume) brushed them off and moved on. He needs to grow up and maybe do read a book or two.
NTA.
You immediately realised it had hurt his feelings and apologised (from a spectrum perspective, kudos!) His reaction to that would indicate he’s been nursing perceived slights for quite some time and that was his opportunity to offload them and nothing you did could have stopped that at that point.
You did everything right and if more people handled it the way you did, the world would be a lot less full of butt-hurt.
ESH.
I think what you said was genuinely offensive. Unlike the other people posting, I don’t give a rat’s ass that it is “internet slang.” You said something that would be construed by most people as insulting by implying that he was semi-literate.
His response and that of his partner came from a place of hurt and they lashed out in an improper way, also putting them in the wrong.
Also, you seem to lean inappropriately often on your autism to seemingly excuse yourself from making social faux pas. It’s perfectly acceptable to recognize that your condition may cause you to, shall we say, lack a certain grace. However, reading your post you seem to bring it up with such regularity while at the same time it’s perfectly clear that you’re capable of knowing better.
So, again, ESH. You said something shitty, they didn’t take your apology well, but you also keep on putting this caveat on your actions that make your apology seem not particularly genuine. None of you seem to be acting like well adjusted adults.