So I(20F) have a brain condition, joint disorder and several other medical issues. The main thing in this story is that my brain condition causes migranes, vertigo episodes, etc.
I’ve had the same group of friends since middle school. There’s 6 of us, all within the ages of 19-23. And we are all diverce in intrests, styles, etc. One of my friends, D, loves punk concerts. She posts flyers for local house concerts. Now I can’t go to house concerts(most aren’t wheelchair accessible, they are too loud even with noise canceling headphones, etc) so I always tell everyone to go have fun. It isn’t their fault I’m disabled 💀 and I’m not the type to be like “If I can’t go, NO ONE can”.
There’s another girl in the group, W, who tries to be like, my advocater and says, “Oh maybe we should choose something OP can do” to which I say again, I do not mind. At all. Hell, I love sitting at home. I got my dogs, videos games and I’m good, plus they get me extra merch from the shows which is cool af. I never asked W to be my advocate.
Now, like 2 days ago, D posted another concert thing in our group chat. W again said, “That isn’t very accessible, we shouldn’t go.”
D BLEW tf up saying how “W and OP are always trying to control the group and just because youin a wheelchair doesn’t mean you get to dictate what the group was doing and how OP must be pming W to stand up for me all the time”. To which, I haven’t. Ngl, I’m not close with W. She’s one of our other friend’s close friends so she’s always at our hangouts. 2 other people kinda agreed with D that W shouldn’t be commenting on if something is wheelchair accessible all the time.
I said that I don’t care if they go to the concerts, It isn’t my thing anyway and I won’t feel left out. I’m good and D tried to say I was probably trying to find a way out of them being pissed off at me and D has pretty much went silent within the group chat which is weird since we’ve talked everyday in it since sophomore year of high school.
Idk, AITA? I do sometimes comment on something being not wheelchair accessible (Like how they wanted to go to a horse show, and I mentioned that I need to do research on the grounds to see if I can go). Is that not something I should do??
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So I(20F) have a brain condition, joint disorder and several other medical issues. The main thing in this story is that my brain condition causes migranes, vertigo episodes, etc.
I’ve had the same group of friends since middle school. There’s 6 of us, all within the ages of 19-23. And we are all diverce in intrests, styles, etc. One of my friends, D, loves punk concerts. She posts flyers for local house concerts. Now I can’t go to house concerts(most aren’t wheelchair accessible, they are too loud even with noise canceling headphones, etc) so I always tell everyone to go have fun. It isn’t their fault I’m disabled 💀 and I’m not the type to be like “If I can’t go, NO ONE can”.
There’s another girl in the group, W, who tries to be like, my advocater and says, “Oh maybe we should choose something OP can do” to which I say again, I do not mind. At all. Hell, I love sitting at home. I got my dogs, videos games and I’m good, plus they get me extra merch from the shows which is cool af. I never asked W to be my advocate.
Now, like 2 days ago, D posted another concert thing in our group chat. W again said, “That isn’t very accessible, we shouldn’t go.”
D BLEW tf up saying how “W and OP are always trying to control the group and just because youin a wheelchair doesn’t mean you get to dictate what the group was doing and how OP must be pming W to stand up for me all the time”. To which, I haven’t. Ngl, I’m not close with W. She’s one of our other friend’s close friends so she’s always at our hangouts. 2 other people kinda agreed with D that W shouldn’t be commenting on if something is wheelchair accessible all the time.
I said that I don’t care if they go to the concerts, It isn’t my thing anyway and I won’t feel left out. I’m good and D tried to say I was probably trying to find a way out of them being pissed off at me and D has pretty much went silent within the group chat which is weird since we’ve talked everyday in it since sophomore year of high school.
Idk, AITA? I do sometimes comment on something being not wheelchair accessible (Like how they wanted to go to a horse show, and I mentioned that I need to do research on the grounds to see if I can go). Is that not something I should do??
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> So I might be the asshole because I never directed told W to stop advocating for me(even though I didn’t need it). I just didn’t see it as much of an issue. And I do sometimes comment on things not being wheelchair accessible but I never stop others from going or guilt trip them at all
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta
Just because you’re friends doesn’t mean you guys have to have all the same interests, and are allowed to do things separately .Â
INFO do you disagree with or push back on what W says when she’s trying to speak for you? If she’s not saying things you agree with and trying to speak for you it’s a little infantilizing for her to be speaking for you.
NTA, you didn’t do anything. W is white-knighting on your behalf and causing issues with your friend group. Frankly I would not expect this friend group to remain intact. It might be time to move on.
NTA. You are totally fine. You’re not holding them back or telling them not to go. Really misdirected anger.Â
NTA, but W sure is – that’s white knighting at its finest. You never asked her to step in, and doing so all the time when you’ve said you’re fine not going to concerts is infantilizing you, as if you can’t speak up for yourself, and also, as this shows, driving a wedge between you and the group.
NTA. W should talk to you privately to ask if you’d like her support rather than taking up an unwanted cause. D shouldn’t snap like that.
This is all quite whack. I think W is definitely being kind in trying to include you, but outright saying people shouldn’t go to an event because it’s inaccessible is weird. She could have very easily just planned an out where you could attend and call it that. Your friends assuming the worst of you and assuming you must be orchestrating some behind the scenes nonsense when you’ve explicitly said otherwise and actively encouraged them to go do their own thing is also weird. Overall, NTA, perhaps have a talk with W about how it’s good that to think about and do your best to include you but that it shouldn’t come with contorting the actions of other people and how it’s clearly come back to bite you in the butt despite it not having been something you wanted. Advocacy is great, speaking over and for disabled people is not. As for the others, all you can do is state your piece. If they choose not you believe you, fine. Might be time to find a new friend group. Personally I wouldn’t want to be friends who paint me in a negative light simply because I’m disabled and someone has talked for me.
NTA
Has anyone else in the group expressed frustration in this way? Have you tried talking to W about her talking over you? D is allowed to be irritated or frustrated in some way. It can be hard to feel like you’re being limited or judged, but blowing up isn’t an acceptable way to communicate those feelings. If you feel up to it and you think they’d be open to it, you can DM D to start a dialogue. Give them the space to be heard, validate their feelings, contribute your own feelings, and the 2 of you can work out something that works for both of you
NTA
You are not responsible for someone else’s savior complex. For your own piece of mind you may want to have a conversation with her. That you are an adult and capable of using your own voice to advocate for yourself. That if you’re expressing something you’d appreciate the support but that her making decisions on your behalf feels infantalzing.
Your friend group are not very kind if they never make attempts to find accessible venues. NTA.
NTA. You didn’t ask for anyone to advocate for you. You didn’t ask for anything. Do you have a particular gossipy person in your friend group? Could you talk to them that you have no idea why W keeps doing this, and that you would never ask or care what other people do? Someone that could spread the word? If you want a direct approach, I would send a group text to everyone. ‘To be clear, I don’t care for concerts. I would not go even if they are wheelchair accessible. I have not ask anyone to be my advocate. I appreciate that W is mindful of my situation. However, I truly do not care what the group does if I am not able to go. If I have an issue, I will ask.’ I don’t believe that W is a bad person but she is infantilizing you. You can speak for yourself. You don’t need someone to mention it constantly.
NTA. If your communication has been consistent about supporting your friends going and having fun, even if you can’t go, then D’s problem isn’t something you caused.
Sounds like W doesn’t want to go and is using you as an excuse
NTA. Your friends can go and do what they like just as you can. If they mention an outing & you’re interested in it, do some background & if it’s accessible then go. W needs to mind her own business & that needs to come from you. Thank her for looking out for you but put firm boundaries in place. Let her know you speak for herself & do not want her speaking for you.
NTA: While you may not have asked W to be your advocate, you certainly didn’t put a stop to it when she spoke up. If you had, the problem would have been nipped in the bud.
That said, I think W is the true asshole here for playing the ‘saviour’ role. She spoke on your behalf, without bothering to understand your feelings or point of view on the matter.