Hi, longtime lurker first time poster. Almost 3 weeks ago I moved to a different state for a job. The job provided housing, and I soon came to learn who my roommate is. We began texting and it turned out we have a lot in common. She even asked me to teach her how to cook.
So when we moved in, her energy completely shifted. I didn’t understand what happened. I was there for about a week, and while I was there she ignored me while we were living together and avoided me while we were at work together. It got to the point where the rest of the staff started treating me coldly as well (they had all worked together previously). I wanted to make sure that we got along, so I picked up her favorite oreos and left them in the kitchen with a note I wrote for her. I also offered to cook breakfast for her, but again, she just ignored me.
On the day that I quit, she texted me telling me that she’s not comfortable with me using her silverware or sharing food. At this point I had no clue that this was the beef, but I profusely apologized and offered to buy her a new set of silverware. She had also mentioned that she was keeping track of how much dish soap and how much of her spices I was using (I used her salt shaker). I texted her a couple of times, emphasizing that I want us to get along. She promptly left me on read.
As I thought about it more I realized that I don’t want to live with someone who isn’t good at communicating. If she had just told me when it began to bother her, we both wouldn’t have been as uncomfortable as we were. I realized that there was no turning back from what had happened, I quit the job, and moved back home the very next day.
So my question to you is, AITA for using my roommate’s silverware?
EDITED TO ADD: This keeps getting brought up in the replies so I’m going to clear it up here. We worked at a camp together where our cabin came fully furnished. I assumed that the kitchenware was a part of that furnishing. I didn’t know that the silverware belonged to her, if I had known it belonged to her I would have asked her if I can use it. Also, before we began living together, she had mentioned wanting to learn how to cook and I told her I would teach her. This obviously implies sharing food and/or utensils.
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Hi, longtime lurker first time poster. Almost 3 weeks ago I moved to a different state for a job. The job provided housing, and I soon came to learn who my roommate is. We began texting and it turned out we have a lot in common. She even asked me to teach her how to cook.
So when we moved in, her energy completely shifted. I didn’t understand what happened. I was there for about a week, and while I was there she ignored me while we were living together and avoided me while we were at work together. It got to the point where the rest of the staff started treating me coldly as well (they had all worked together previously). I wanted to make sure that we got along, so I picked up her favorite oreos and left them in the kitchen with a note I wrote for her. I also offered to cook breakfast for her, but again, she just ignored me.
On the day that I quit, she texted me telling me that she’s not comfortable with me using her silverware or sharing food. At this point I had no clue that this was the beef, but I profusely apologized and offered to buy her a new set of silverware. She had also mentioned that she was keeping track of how much dish soap and how much of her spices I was using (I used her salt shaker). I texted her a couple of times, emphasizing that I want us to get along. She promptly left me on read.
As I thought about it more I realized that I don’t want to live with someone who isn’t good at communicating. If she had just told me when it began to bother her, we both wouldn’t have been as uncomfortable as we were. I realized that there was no turning back from what had happened, I quit the job, and moved back home the very next day.
So my question to you is, AITA for using my roommate’s silverware?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Using my roommate’s silverware 2. I didn’t have her permission (I didn’t know it wasn’t ok)
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
I can’t even comprehend what happened.
I will say you need to stop being a door mat. You are way too apologetic for seemingly nothing.
I don’t know why they did not like you, but you don’t owe them or need to cater to them if they don’t. Don’t do that.
NTA. In a roommate situation it is fair to assume that all dishes, silverware, cookware, etc. are for communal use unless otherwise specified in advance. Were you failing to clean it properly? Taking it out of the apartment and losing it? Leaving it in your bedroom?
NTA
But I wish you would have taken the salt shaker with you when you left
She simply just needed to communicate to you that she didn’t want her things being used. She failed to do that. This shit is on her.
You are NTA. Smart move to cut your loses and get out of that situation.
NTA- she sounds whacky.
This is hard, because it’s not clear what kind of job has two people living together and what is provided by the job, and what hs personal property.
I’d say YTA mildly if you used her silverware before a discussion of general ground runes gif sharing resources. You should ask before using someone’s belongings, including salt shaker and silverware, even if you’ve offered done things in exchange.
I would have asked her if it was ok, at least; it is you who did not communicate well. Never assume that it’s ok with someone else before you ask
For just the question you’re asking, YTA. She shouldn’t need to communicate with you, a stranger, to not use her things. Like, you’re an adult. You know better.
I would bet this isn’t about the silverware at all. Your roommate decided she didn’t like you for some reason very soon after you moved in, and probably talked about you behind your back to the coworkers so they stopped liking you too. It could be a class thing, a race thing, a neurodivergence thing, a looks thing (are you way hotter than her?), a prejudice of some kind that I can’t even think of, or it could just be a huge difference in personality. Whatever it was, she didn’t handle it well and unfortunately this situation ended poorly for you. I’m glad you had the ability to quit and move back home. I hope your next job situation goes a lot better! And if something like this happens again, I’d have a chat with HR before just quitting in case there’s something else that can be done.