My boyfriend and I have lived together for 2 years, both in our late 20’s.
My boyfriend came into the relationship with a cat and obviously we kept him. I think I’ve done a good job with him, doing my equal share of feeding, playing, litter cleaning and so on.
Now the cat is old and according to his vet, close to the end of his life. My boyfriend has already started talking about getting another, or a dog, to ease his trauma when our current old boy passes.
I’m 100% against it. We barely had money for vets visits for this one and the idea of getting a new cat scares me overall: we never actually know if they’re sick, or ee may not know until it’s too late, and if they are, it could cost too much (for us) to treat them. Not to mention I’m an extremely anxious person and I’m always scared our current cat will suffer something bad at night when his vet is closed (stroke etc) and, since we live in the middle of nowhere, we’ll need to just watch him pass because no overnight pet clinics are closer than two hours. Not to much (and I know I’m kinda crazy for this, but I can’t help it) we both work a lot and I’m always scared our house will burn or flood with our pets jailed inside. I mean, our house flooded once so it’s not just hypotheticals.
TLDR. Thinking about dealing with everything that can happen to a pet stresses me out but my boyfriend says he’ll suffer too much without one when the time comes.
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My boyfriend and I have lived together for 2 years, both in our late 20’s.
My boyfriend came into the relationship with a cat and obviously we kept him. I think I’ve done a good job with him, doing my equal share of feeding, playing, litter cleaning and so on.
Now the cat is old and according to his vet, close to the end of his life. My boyfriend has already started talking about getting another, or a dog, to ease his trauma when our current old boy passes.
I’m 100% against it. We barely had money for vets visits for this one and the idea of getting a new cat scares me overall: we never actually know if they’re sick, or ee may not know until it’s too late, and if they are, it could cost too much (for us) to treat them. Not to mention I’m an extremely anxious person and I’m always scared our current cat will suffer something bad at night when his vet is closed (stroke etc) and, since we live in the middle of nowhere, we’ll need to just watch him pass because no overnight pet clinics are closer than two hours. Not to much (and I know I’m kinda crazy for this, but I can’t help it) we both work a lot and I’m always scared our house will burn or flood with our pets jailed inside. I mean, our house flooded once so it’s not just hypotheticals.
TLDR. Thinking about dealing with everything that can happen to a pet stresses me out but my boyfriend says he’ll suffer too much without one when the time comes.
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> I’m opposing my boyfriend’s idea of getting a new animal but he’s angry with me because he feels staying without a pet will make it harder to get over the imminent loss of our cat
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Pets are a 2 yes decision when living together. Do you think he will listen to you though? It not, be prepared to have him override the decision and then you have a decision to make.
NAH- Pets are expensive and a lot of responsibility. Everyone needs to be on board. Having said that, I hope you’re getting treated for anxiety, bc not wanting pets, or maybe even ppl in your life bc they will pass one day, is no way to live.
NTA & I think it’s not fair to adopt a pet if there’s no money for emergencies & not even e vet available at night.
Not sure why you get a veto… Seems like you should both have a say.
If you’re saying that you get to supercede his wants with your own. YTA.
But NAH if you just talk it out with him and come to an agreement together.
NTA. If you weren’t in a position to provide the best care for the current animal then you shouldn’t jump right into getting another one.
But maybe also talk to someone about your anxiety. It’s certainly normal to have concerns about the well-being of our pets, but it sounds like your worries are impacting your own well-being.
NAH, this is a two yes, one no situation, but this should have been established before you moved in together and it might be a relationship ender if he’s one of those people who insists that they need a pet.
NTA. Pets are one of those things where either partner gets a veto, but, beware, relationship status is also things where either partner gets a veto.
NAH Be prepared for to break up over this. Your boyfriend is a pet person, you are not. I doubt he will agree to spending the rest of his life without a furry companion. It sounds harsh, but it’s reality.
Being pet free until you are more financially stable makes sense. Having more money to travel and be away from the house can be nice.
If you do get a new pet, using pet insurance can be super helpful. It can be about 50-75$ a month or less. Do not get a dog if you cant afford an emergency, they are so much more expensive than cats. Maybe having a serious talk about what you two think being a responsible pet owner is would be helpful.
Alternatively, you could try rover and start pet sitting. It can be a way to fulfill the want for a pet and that interaction but without the years of commitment.
NTA. If you’re skint and stressed, dragging in another moggy or mutt would be cruel on the poor thing as well as you.
Better to be honest now than end up with a pet that’s neglected because you can’t give it the time, money or calm it needs.
NTA. You cannot afford a pet right now. Hold firm on your boundaries.
Why not compromise with waiting a bit and then just fostering a cat? Still not the level of responsibility a dog would need, you already have some supplies, and fostered pets have the costs covered by the group sponsoring the pet. Any health issues that arise they would pay for. This way a cat gets a loving home before it’s forever home, the bf gets to have another pet to ease the transition, and you don’t have to foot tons of extra money.
Your house burning down or flooding could happen with or without you there, and you can’t live your life in fear of the what-ifs and choose to not have a pet solely on something you have no control over.
NTA….. But if you do get another pet could you get it from the shelter? As an added bonus, they’re fixed and vaccinated before you get them.
Not having enough money is never an AH motive for not wanting a pet. However, you sound like you wouldn’t want a pet ever (because you are too anxious), and your bf is a pet person, so this is an incompatibility issue in the long run.
So, due to money issues? NTA, your bf would be TAH if he got one regardless of money issues. You vetoing because you are anxious? AH. You can work around those issues. Talking about getting a new pet before the old one is even dead? AH in my eyes.
“to ease his trauma”
“he’ll suffer too much”
yikes
I can absolutely understand this. Had to put my cat down because I couldn’t afford treatment, getting another cat is terrifying—thankfully I got pet insurance with the new kitten I got so if something like that happens again I’ll be able to treat my pet in a non financially crippling way. I think to compromise you can wait a-bit until both of you are more comfortable financially to take that risk.
NAH
You really need to talk about the budget with your bf.
Vet bills are expensive.
Ir’s not fair to have a pet if you can’t manage the vet bills.
A dog is more work than a cat.
If he must have pets and you must not have pets, then that is a different thing. So far you have been compromising because he came with that particular cat.
In the long run it may be a show stopper. Though you won’t know til you talk to him. You do need to tell him you do know want the expense or responsibility of a pet.
NTA.
You are not trying to be controlling or telling him no for no reason! You are being responsible by saying no.
Also, imo, getting a pet to “help ease a trauma” is not a good reason the get one…its not necessarily going to help…maybe in a way it will, but seems like in your situation, it will add more trauma and anxiety because of finances.
You should try to talk to him again, and explain to him to take the time to grieve your present cat first. And explore the idea of having another pet later.
Sorry you are going through all this, loosing a pet is never ever easy. 💕
NAH
Pets are a huge decision. I hate them. Even so, fear is not a great reason to deny your boyfriend. If you don’t like them, they’re expensive, your gone a lot, so taking care of them is tough, these are all good reasons. Worrying about fires and floods is a good reason to see a therapist, not avoid a pet.
I would not get one, I love heading off to vacation at a moment’s notice.
Not fair to bring a new pet into the house with an old one. Too much stress for the older animal. NTA.
NTA…. You don’t have to agree to getting a pet if you don’t want one but I think you’re allowing your own irrational fears and anxiety get in the way of making a decision. Pets are definitely a big responsibility and it can be daunting to think that something could go wrong but if that’s what’s stopping you then how do you do anything in life? Anything bad can happen to anyone at any point but that shouldn’t stop you from living. You can’t be constantly scared of something bad happening and just decide to never go through with it. There are lots of safety precautions you can take to ease your anxiety about these things too. Keeping small unreachable areas like under your bed blocked off from the cat can ensure they don’t get trapped in case of an emergency. You can install pet cams so you can watch them while you aren’t home, and there’s even pet insurance you can look into to help cover vet bills. I have a cat and 2 large dogs, and they’re the light of my life. I’d do anything for them and I don’t regret taking them in. Sometimes things go wrong and it is scary, but all the good times and fun we have makes it worth it.
NTA, dont be surprised if he decides just to get it without your permission.
Forget the cat, you need yo manage your anxiety and you might also need somthing like wifi smoke alarm that will notify you if somthing is off when you’re out in the meantime.
Can’t afford them is a valid concern. Being afraid? Is not. You can adopt animals that are spayed/neutered, fully vaccinated & microchipped which will help save on expenses. However it is a 2 yes decision, and there should be some compromise.
NTA. i was this person once. my older cat was diagnosed with kidney disease, so i got another cat. she was diagnosed with FIV, then a neurological issue. i got another cat, and he was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and then congestive heart failure. eventually, i just had to accept that getting more pets would not cure or erase my grief. pets are not a toy or a coping mechanism. they’re a wonderful addition to a family, but they are a luxury, not a necessity.
I think it’s best to have a period of mourning and freedom from responsibility for a while before you are ready to be responsible for another animal.
Maybe you could foster for a rescue, where vet care and food are provided. That would eliminate the financial risk.
NTA because he shouldn’t use another pet to try and avoid or ignore the grief he will feel from the passing of his previous pet. It’s important to go through the grieving process.
That being said I think your anxiety is a bit over the top and you should seek some help with this. It is not at all healthy to avoid having a pet just because you know it’s going to die eventually, everything dies that is just a natural part of being alive.
I also think you guys should have had this talk before progressing the relationship and moving in together because you are not a pet person (right with your anxiety) and he is a pet person, that’s an incompatibility. One of you will be suffering whether you have a pet or not, which is not a good way to live.
NTA, all of the reasons you listed are good reasons and logical ones. If you can’t afford a pet then you shouldn’t get one, unfortunately many pet owners just get pets on a whim because they “want” to and don’t consider if they can properly care for it both with money and time.
That aside, if you two live together, any pet needs to be a two yeses situation. If one person doesn’t want the pet, it’s a NO.
NTA,
I wouldn’t rush into adopting after losing a pet anyway. It took a few years after Doodles passed for me to be ready to welcome my current two. Adoption is a two yes, one no means no situation. Your BF may feel differently when it actually happens, grief can be complicated.
Though please for your sakes, look for a emergency vet, if anything goes wrong they will do a low cost therapeutic euthanasia, possible even free rather than let an animal suffer. There’s an organisation called the lap of love in many countries who can help. With doodles, there was wires crossed about getting the vet to come out and put her to sleep at home, as a result she died without vet support. It was not the death I would have wanted for her. Since you suffer with anxiety, witnessing an animal dying that way may be incredibly distressing for you.
That said, if your BF wants to have another animal present, there are options to reduce the worries you’re expressing. For example pet insurance, pet plan is pretty good on paying out and typically pays the vet directly so most vets don’t require up front payment if that’s your insurer.
Also you could both foster. I’ve fostered, as much as I’ve loved my fosters (my closest to being a foster fail was Tommy who turned out to be a permanent Foster anyway due to medical issues) I found it surprisingly easy to bid each one farewell. I occasionally get photos and updates on them as well.
If you foster, the shelter or charity covers the necessary bills for the vet and food. There’s a shortage of suitable homes for permanent fosters, which can mean as little as a cat who requires a specific hypoallergenic diet that because it costs more puts people off adopting them and so therefore needs a permanent foster home.
Taking on a pet is a mutual decision. I would have the opinion that if you do this vet bills will be 100% a you thing because I don’t want this. A good compromise is fostering a cat from a shelter that way they pay the vet bills, you get the fun stuff and a glimpse at what having another pet would look like in your life but without all the responsibility . It also helps shelters take more animals in need until they can be adopted to their forever family. Your anxiety is your responsibility to manage and therapy can really help, as someone with anxiety myself any time your day to day living starts to change based on irrational fears it’s become unmanageable and you need to see someone about managing it and having coping strategies.
Wanting to wait before having a pet due to financial reasons is totally valid but most of the other reasons you gave just felt like excuses to be honest… financially stable or not, it won’t change anything if your house burns down and the cat is already dead
Getting a new pet before the cat passes could cause the cat stress. Don’t do that to a beloved pet.
NTA as you can’t afford it.
You do, however, need some therapy to work on your anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Those are not normal things that prevent people from getting pets.
NTA
You say you both work a lot. How much is a lot?
It’s one thing to leave an old cat alone for hours in his familiar home, quite another to leave a new kitten or puppy or even a newly adopted older pet alone for hours.
You have lived with and helped care for your boyfriend’s pet for two years, despite its triggering your anxiety because of mostly legitimate concerns.
Pets and children are a two-yes-one-no situation. You have soldiered through two emotionally difficult years because your partner has a pet he loves. But he can’t muster up the strength to even try living without a pet, for you? This relationship sounds unbalanced.
NAH.
Nobody is an asshole here, yet. If your boyfriend insists on getting another pet against your wishes that would make him an AH, but at the moment, he’s just discussing it. It’s not an unusual or ah thing to do; your current pet is nearing end-of life, so a discussion of what, if anything to get when he goes is normal. Pets should absolutely be a two yes/one no situation (ie, only a yes if both people say yes). You and your boyfriend need to sit down and have a calm, adult conversation about this. Try and present logical arguments (ie finances, difficulty of accessing medical care, your work patterns) rather than just your personal anxieties about losing them.
However, I do hope you’re doing something about your anxiety. That is not a normal level of anxiety for a person, and it’s obviously having a negative impact on your mental health.
Yta. And apparently have an anxiety disorder. Pets are a great comfort and unconditional love. He needs to be with someone that shares his love of animals.
NTA
Pets are a two yes/one no situation.
Your boyfriend can start working on some emotional resilience skills to deal with the grief starting now. Living creatures should not be used as a stand-in for learning how to actually deal with your feelings