AITA for visiting my estranged father? I finally told my mother I had been to see my father after numerous years of family estrangement. This caused a more extreme reaction than I was expecting as they have been divorced for around 16 years. The reason I ended up telling mother was due to 2 other siblings saying they are open to visiting dad but want to tell mother first. She started yelling and telling me to pack my bags and go live with my father.
Then 2 hours later she said to all of us I’ve got no issue with you having contact with your father and nor have I ever stopped you.
2 days later, she made us sit and went into a long tirade of my fathers sins, some which I am aware of, but I also know she was adding plenty of embellishments to play on my younger siblings emotions.
She is very skilled at playing victim and getting people to dance to her tune or else.
Not claiming my father is a great guy, but I do have some good memories with him and would be open to creating more as he seems to have worked on some of his previous issues.
But according to mother dearest he’s the devil incarnate and has convinced my siblings of the same.
I have since admitted to 2 of my 5 siblings that I am still in contact with my father, and will let the others know without mentioning it to mother again.
Am I in the wrong for being willing to see any good in my dad and wanting to have a relationship with him despite everything?
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AITA for visiting my estranged father? I finally told my mother I had been to see my father after numerous years of family estrangement. This caused a more extreme reaction than I was expecting as they have been divorced for around 16 years. The reason I ended up telling mother was due to 2 other siblings saying they are open to visiting dad but want to tell mother first. She started yelling and telling me to pack my bags and go live with my father.
Then 2 hours later she said to all of us I’ve got no issue with you having contact with your father and nor have I ever stopped you.
2 days later, she made us sit and went into a long tirade of my fathers sins, some which I am aware of, but I also know she was adding plenty of embellishments to play on my younger siblings emotions.
She is very skilled at playing victim and getting people to dance to her tune or else.
Not claiming my father is a great guy, but I do have some good memories with him and would be open to creating more as he seems to have worked on some of his previous issues.
But according to mother dearest he’s the devil incarnate and has convinced my siblings of the same.
I have since admitted to 2 of my 5 siblings that I am still in contact with my father, and will let the others know without mentioning it to mother again.
Am I in the wrong for being willing to see any good in my dad and wanting to have a relationship with him despite everything?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) visiting my estranged father at first without domineering mother’s knowledge or ‘permission’ 2) Rocking the boat with family dynamics and causing distress to other family members
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA As a child of divorced parents, you have a right to form a relationship or no relationship with both, one, or neither of your parents as you desire.
NAH. You are allowed to have a relationship with your father if you want to. Your mother doesn’t have to approve of it. Any deeper judgment than that would require knowing what your father did, which we don’t.
Of course your NTA. Your mom has some serious issues after 16 years, she should get therapy to but in most cases like this she sees herself as the victim and your dad as 100% at fault, not realizing it takes 2 to make or break a marriage. Keep seeing your dad, and like you said, there’s no need to let your mom know about it if there is going to be drama.
NTA
He’s your father, not hers. You can have whatever relationship with him that you want. Same goes for your siblings. With her attitude I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she was a part of the reason they divorced regardless of whatever he did. She may even have been the reason he did whatever he did.
NTA. Your mother has no right to keep your dad from you or poison the waters of your relationship with him (aside from abuse and protection for you!). Your parents relationship is very different than a parent child relationship and she should not alien you from him (parential alienation is considered a form of psychological abuse actually)
NTA!!! Wow, if we were from the same generation I would wonder if we had the same mother. Go spend time with your dad!
Your dad is your dad. His was your mom’s husband. Someone can be a crappy husband and a great/good/ok father. Just like being a great husband doesn’t make them a great father, they can be a crappy father.
They have been divorced for 16 years and sounds like you have 4 younger siblings. Meaning you have memories of him and had a relationship. You are the only potentially positive person to share things about your dad.
Unless he was abusive or harmful there is very little reason that you guys should have been cut off from him. Unless he walked away and never looked back. But that’s hard to know with how your mom is acting because toxicity like that might have driven him away.
NTA. Your dad is your dad. Your mom needs to leave her drama out of it.
INFO: What did your dad do that made your family so uncomfortable he became estranged?
Nta. This is your father and YOU are the only one who has a say on what, if any, kind of relationship you have with him. Your mother needs to grow tf up and stay out of it. Her issues with him are not yours, or your siblings, to carry. The fact that she’s doing this shows that she’s manipulating you not to have a relationship and that’s disgusting. As a mother, one of her main concerns should of you all have the best relationship with your father. What she’s doing is called parental alienation. It’s actually illegal if minors are involved. Do what YOU want to do, when it comes to your dad. And encourage your siblings to do the same. Good luck!
NTA, your relationship with your father should have nothing to do with your mother now that you’re old enough to visit without assistance (assuming you’re grown). Typically when you try to force someone to do something, they do the opposite, so she’s just pushing you away for issues between her and him and not issues between him and the kids. Now if your father was unsafe, an addict, or even assaulted one of your siblings, sure. But if not, a relationship with him should be up to you.
He’s YOUR dad. He isn’t your mother’s dad. You have every right to try.
NTA. Honestly, the use of “Mother” and “Dad” says it all. One is more formal, and one is more comfortable.
Nta
You can have a relationship with your father if you wish to its noone elses business. You dont have to “admit” anything to anyone as there is nothing wrong with spending time with your father
There is a lot missing here. Was your father the abuser? Did he help in raising you kids financially through the years? When there is such a reaction from a woman there is usually something really bad in the past. Did your father ask about you or did you go and search for him? You have the right to see your father, but with not telling your mother you risk losing probably the only real parent, Nobody can keep a father away from his kids, and prevent him helping them if he really wants to be in their lives. Think about that. Sometimes kids run to daddy who abused the mother, and she did everything to keep the kids away from him so they wouldn’t get disappointed or hurt. I will go with MEH here. Go and see your father if you want to, but be honest to your mum about it.
You’re an adult and one of the things that comes with being an adult is the ability to make your own decisions. Visit who you want. You don’t need permission. NTA
NTA.
I’m the mother of 2, and we fled their father after he moved passed emotional & financial abuse, and went to physical abuse and threatening my life.
They see their dad every other week.
I don’t know what your mum’s deal is, but regardless of what the issue is, she shouldn’t be alienating you from your father. Rather she should be teaching you how to set healthy boundaries and how to identify different manipulation techniques and exploitive behaviours, and how to have a relationship with your Dad on your terms.
NTA