Bare with me: My wife lost her sister several months ago. She has not been dealing with the loss very well and refuses to seek grief counseling. I say she hasn’t dealt with it well because of how short tempered she is with everyone (strangers, the children, myself, etc). Her sister’s husband has had (understandably) a run of bad luck since his wife’s passing whether it’s bills getting behind or drinking or gambling. My wife has been trying to help her (ex?/former?) BIL with moving items in and out of the apartment, they have been trying to be there for each other and I completely understand that. I have a hard time empathizing with people in their grief but I have done my best. My wife feels I have been disrespectful in her time of loss and we have had a few heated discussions where I try to ensure her that I have done my best. So this has put us at a rocky point in our marriage simply because I’ve just tried to stay out of her way with her temper the way it was, she just seemed like she needed space.
Which brings me to the AITA portion of this. The other evening while we were grocery shopping my wife was on the phone with someone throughout the entirety of the grocery store and towards the end of the trip before we hit the checkout I hear her say, “I love you too.” To which I asked who she was speaking to, she stated it was her late sister’s husband. I expressed my concerns with her telling him that she loved him especially since he’s not technically her BIL anymore. She accused me of being jealous and insinuated that I was out of line for telling her that I felt it to be inappropriate. I wasn’t rude or accusing while I expressed my feelings I tried to be very matter-of-fact.
AITA?
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Bare with me: My wife lost her sister several months ago. She has not been dealing with the loss very well and refuses to seek grief counseling. I say she hasn’t dealt with it well because of how short tempered she is with everyone (strangers, the children, myself, etc). Her sister’s husband has had (understandably) a run of bad luck since his wife’s passing whether it’s bills getting behind or drinking or gambling. My wife has been trying to help her (ex?/former?) BIL with moving items in and out of the apartment, they have been trying to be there for each other and I completely understand that. I have a hard time empathizing with people in their grief but I have done my best. My wife feels I have been disrespectful in her time of loss and we have had a few heated discussions where I try to ensure her that I have done my best. So this has put us at a rocky point in our marriage simply because I’ve just tried to stay out of her way with her temper the way it was, she just seemed like she needed space.
Which brings me to the AITA portion of this. The other evening while we were grocery shopping my wife was on the phone with someone throughout the entirety of the grocery store and towards the end of the trip before we hit the checkout I hear her say, “I love you too.” To which I asked who she was speaking to, she stated it was her late sister’s husband. I expressed my concerns with her telling him that she loved him especially since he’s not technically her BIL anymore. She accused me of being jealous and insinuated that I was out of line for telling her that I felt it to be inappropriate. I wasn’t rude or accusing while I expressed my feelings I tried to be very matter-of-fact.
AITA?
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Your wife’s bonding with her ex BIL cos they’re both grieving the same person. Now, the I love you could be weird out of context, but they’re prob just holding each other up. Maybe try a softer approach, might take a bit of patience though. She needs you right now, even if it doesn’t seem like it. Hang in there.. NTA btw..
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I expressed my disapproval of my wife telling her late sister’s husband that she loved him.
I’m not sure if expressing my feelings on the matter is being insensitive or if I am justified in my concerns.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Dude. people are allowed to love each other, and say so, even if they don’t have a relationship like parent/child or husband/wife.
This part especially makes no sense:
>I expressed my concerns with her telling him that she loved him especially since he’s not technically her BIL anymore.
Are you suggesting that when the sister was alive, it was OK for them to love each other platonically, but now that sis is dead that emotion must cease to exist, or isn’t allowed to be expressed?
YTA
There are very, very few cases where concern about your partner’s other relations does not make you the asshole.
In every other case, YTA. Your partner can have whatever nonsexual relationships she wants, with whomever she wants. You do not own her.
NTA. They will be “trauma bonding” thier genitals soon if not already.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them sharing the grief. They are the two people who were closest to her.
I don’t think the “I love you” comment just by itself is a bad thing.
However, given all the rest you have said, where she’s being short tempered. Losing patience with you and seemingly pulling away from you a bit all the while seeming to get closer to the BIL. Refusing therapy.
There is a very slim chance she could be moving towards an emotoinal affair of sorts with the BIL. People have been known to connect over grief. I have known of SILs and BILs and friends of the deseased spouse becoming close to the surviving spouse over the mutual grief to the point that it lead to a romantic relationship.
This is a very tricky thing to navigate, because I could be wrong, I just don’t like the pattern of behavior.
How you address this is going to be very delicate. She NEEDS therapy. She can’t allow her grief to cause her to blast everyone else in her life with her sudden temper. And she can’t push you away.
YTA. The fact that you admit you have already had arguments about your lack of empathy and/or sympathy to your wife’s grieving situation says a lot.
They’re bonding over their shared grief. It’s an emotional affair and an all honesty since she’s shutting you and the children out it could very easily become a physical affair. She’s not going to get better. She’s only going to promote her brother-in-law and his needs over yours and the families. I would start looking for ways to protect yourself and your kids legally.
I’m guessing the pulling away, etc might have more to do with OP’s admitted lack of empathy than anything else. If my spouse approached the death of my sibling this way, I feel like it would permanently change the way I view them. Lots of people have trouble with strong emotions, but he seems to have no interest in trying harder to support her instead of being irritated that she’s grieving. BIL or no BIL, I’m thinking this marriage could be over.
“he’s not technically her BIL anymore.” – saying this makes YTA and is at the root of your problem.
I can’t get over the fact that you appear to believe that, because her sister died, her BIL isn’t family anymore. That logic is flawed, but maybe it’s a part of your inability to empathize. While your wife shouldn’t be taking her grief out on the kids, you are out of line with your feelings regarding your BIL and his status as her (and therefore your) family.
ESH your wife for not dealing with her grief like an adult and you for not being supportive of her
“I have a hard time empathizing with people in their grief”
No shit. Her sister died a few months ago. That’s no time at all. Her world has been shaken to its core. Her BIL is probably still underwater with his grief. It will take a long time for him to rebuild any kind of normalcy for himself after losing his wife.
I don’t know why someone hasn’t explained this to you yet, but in-laws don’t cease to be family just because the “bridge” person died. Your sister is ABSOLUTELY right to support her BIL, which would also be in accordance with her sister’s wishes. Yes, she loves him – like family. Like the person who was the closest person in the world to her sister, who she also loved and still loves. Yes, she is doing the right thing by supporting him emotionally and practically.
YTA for taking this cataclysmic situation and centering yourself in it.
I am confused because wouldn’t they still be considered in laws? They weren’t divorced, right? Just because she died doesn’t mean they are no longer family.
YTA as you said yourself you struggle with empathy and don’t seem to be very supportive. The last thing your wife needs during grief is an insecure husband.
You seem more concerned about her speaking to her former (not ex) BIL than you are about her grief. No wonder she’s co fising in someone else. YTA.
Maybe try to get into couples or family therapy instead? Since we honestly can’t know all that has been going on – I can’t say if Y T A or she is. Did she used to tell BIL that she loved him? (FWIW, in this case, he is still her BIL, not former BIL).
She obviously needs therapy, he does too – especially if he is drinking and gambling money away. You potentially need therapy to learn how to be more supportive in times like this (you say you can’t empathize well, but don’t really go into what you have been doing to support her). Additionally, no matter what is going on with your relationship or her grief, she shouldn’t be treating anyone poorly – ESPECIALLY her children. Even if you don’t discuss/work on your relationship – you definitely need to be there for your children, who lost an aunt and now their mother is acting differently. Maybe see if they need some individual therapy to get through this as well.
He’s still her brother in law. Your wife still considers him family because he is. They didn’t get divorced, she died. That makes him a widower, not an ex.
I don’t know if I can pass judgment on this because you need to change the way you’re looking at their relationship. They both loved her, so it makes sense to lean on each other for support.
It’s pretty common to tell people you love them, whether platonically, or as siblings after someone dies. It puts things in perspective and makes you realize you should tell people that you care about them while they’re still alive to hear it.
It sounds like trauma bounding which people do get close and cross lines due to it. They justify it by saying he/she is the only one who understands or we were just comforting each other
Now she’s gaslighting you. You need to push hard for counseling right away and hopefully she goes to grief counseling before it’s too late
YTA-
Also, seek the care of a mental health professional. Not being able to feel empathy is a symptom of several different diagnosis..
YTA. She can love someone without being “in love” with them. You seem to be the one who needs therpay. Several months is basically yesterday when it comes to grief. Especially when it’s someone close. You really need to get it together and start showing up for her. Acting unsupportive now, when she really needs support, will breed deep resentment. Your marriage will probably not survive that. They usually dont.
NTA – I’d be more concerned that their relationship has turned sexual after they both lost a loved one and got extremely close dealing with their grief. It’s definitely not normal to tell your BIL that you love them too. I’d be very suspicious and keep an eye on their interactions and coming/going to see each other.