I (33m) share split custody of my daughter (5) with my ex wife. I have her 4 nights a week, which is absolutely wonderful.
I work 1st shift at a factory , so this requires me to drop her off to her mother at 530 am before I start my shift.
My ex flat out told me I needed to change my shift because its affecting my daughter, making her debilitatingly tired throughout the day. I personally havent witnessed her being so, and I have her after work on the same days she gets up early.
This is the only shift at this factory that would allow me the time to even be in my daughters life to this extent. I could find a new job, but ive been here 5 years and built up a rapport with this company.
For these reasons I pushed back, and my ex called me negligent and selfish. It really made me feel like an asshole. This has been eating away at me, because being a dad means so much to me. I think it sucks having to get my little one up so early but dad has to keep this food over her head too. Is my perspective wrong? Please help me reddit, AITA?
TL:DR. my ex is calling me an asshole for not changing my schedule to avoid having to wake my daughter at 5am
Edit:fixed typo
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I (33m) share split custody of my daughter (5) with my ex wife. I have her 4 nights a week, which is absolutely wonderful.
I work 1st shift at a factory , so this requires me to drop her off to her mother at 530 am before I start my shift.
My ex flat out told me I needed to change my shift because its affecting my daughter, making her debilitatingly tired throughout the day. I personally havent witnessed her being so, and I have her after work on the same days she gets up early.
This is the only shift at this factory that would allow me the time to even be in my daughters life to this extent. I could find a new job, but ive been here 5 years and built up a roipoire with this company.
For these reasons I pushed back, and my ex called me negligent and selfish. It really made me feel like an asshole. This has been eating away at me, because being a dad means so much to me. I think it sucks having to get my little one up so early but dad has to keep this food over her head too. Is my perspective wrong? Please help me reddit, AITA?
TL:DR. my ex is calling me an asshole for not changing my schedule to avoid having to wake my daughter at 5am
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My ex is calling me an asshole for forcing my child to wake up early before I go to work, I am unwilling to change my schedule, AITA
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Stable job + maximum custody time = good dad math. Your ex needs to chill.
INFO: What time does your kiddo go to bed?
> roipoire
Erm….”Rapport”?
NTA your ex is only saying that has she has to get up early when you take your daughter back.
NTA. Baby mama doesn’t want to be get up at 5:30. That’s the whole problem. Kid would probably go back to sleep after you drop her off.
I mean there are other solutions that changing your job, lol. For exemple, you could hire a nanny just for this specific morning.
If you drop this child off with her mother at 5:30 am, you’re waking her up before that time. And, you’re not with her during the day so you really don’t know how your schedule it’s impacting your daughter because you are not there. Furthermore, the recommended amount of sleep for a five year old is a minimum of ten hours so it’s possible your schedule is too grueling for a five year old.
At the end of the day, you both want your child to thrive so dismissing her mother’s observations and concerns is not okay.
NTA, you’re doing the best you can with what you’ve got. early mornings aren’t ideal for a 5yo, but keeping a stable job + being present 4 nights a week is huge. unless there’s another realistic option, you’re not being selfish.. you’re providing
Info: is your daughter in school/daycare? If so, can you ask the teachers there if she is tired throughout the day. Get an independent pov.
Baby momma is the AH here.
My kids had to get up early and if left to their own devices they would go right back to sleep once dropped off. Never had issues at school, daycare or babysitters with them being debilitatingly tired. It sounds like the ex just doesn’t want to get up so she is using your child as an excuse.
You know before people had hourly work kids woke up in their village with the sun or earlier to farm do chores. Some kids still do, this sounds like an ex wife issue not a kid one. Nta find someone close to the house pay them to chill with the kid for a few hours drop at moms don’t feed into your ex.
If the 5 y/o is going to bed the night before at 7 pm and is sleeping from 7pm-5am, the child should be getting good rest. It’s typical for 5 y/o’s to still take naps – are they or is someone preventing the 5 y/o from napping during the day?
Keep her in her pjs and mom puts her back to bed at her house. Problem solved. Tell your ex to pack sand, or rather, “Sorry, no can do. This schedule lets me see her more. I’ll start bringing her over in pjs and you can put her down again for a couple of more hours.” She’s the AH, you’re just trying to live.
NTA: Your ex doesn’t want to have to deal with getting up that early. That’s the real issue. It’s not your shift. Your ex is being immature. Your daughter is thriving being able to spend the max amount of time with both parents! Great job. 👏
Maybe you could change the night count. If she’s staying for longer, the waking up wouldn’t be that consistent and wouldn’t affect her as much like with just 4 nights in between. I guess it could be hard, but hey just a suggestion.
When my boys were babies, I had to wake them up at 5 am, and they were at daycare for 6. Working parents have to work, separated or not. (Me and my husband both had to be at work for 6:30 so no one could stay later a home.) She is just trying to find something to complain about. She could have your daughter go back to bed for a couple hours if she feels she needs it that much. She probably hates the early wake up herself.
Sorry but as a specialist nurse who’s studied child brain development this is an easy YTA. Even I, as an adult would not want to be woken up at 5am every day to be carted off to somewhere else. This is prolonged and sustained interrupted sleep and it isn’t healthy, especially for children. Honestly the NTA’s here blow my mind.
Unless you are putting your child to bed at 5pm, which is highly unlikely, she is not getting enough sleep and her mother – the person who is actually there for the bulk of the day and sees that she is tired – is right.
Appreciate you’re doing your best, but you chose to work this shift, your kid didn’t. Something needs to change, just drop her off at her mother’s in time for bedtime so she has chance to wind down and get a full nights uninterrupted sleep on a regular basis, she isn’t going to miss spending time with you while she’s sleeping.
NTA: two things can be true–it sucks for everyone that you need to get her up that early, and there’s really not much you can do about that; it’s your job. If you have a formal custody agreement, it may be time for a touch-base meeting with your lawyer about ensuring that your ex can’t retaliate based on your job.
Ask you ex why she isn’t giving your daughter a nap during the day. Five is still in the age range of needing a nap.
Was in this situation as a child. Adjusting bedtime is all that’s needed. Your daughter would be fine if ex was willing to coordinate sleep times.
NTA.
I think your EX is the one who doesn’t like waking up early in this situation. 🫠 She is using your kid as an excuse maybe?
NTA but I do have a couple suggestions if you’re open to them:
Do you have an official parenting plan in place? Does it include pick up and drop off?
A possible solution that would help your daughter is that the receiving parent picks up Baby Girl. If you are receiving your daughter for your parenting time, you would pick her up. If Mom is receiving daughter for her parenting time, she picks up. Which would mean she is picking up Baby Girl from you prior to your shift.
You could hire a nanny for those mornings, Mom can pick her up at, say, 8 am. This arrangement would maximize your daughter’s sleep on those mornings the transfer is before work. You can ask to split the cost of childcare. If Mom isn’t open to these possible solutions it’s not really about Baby Girls wake-up time.
The other possible solution is that you transfer the evening before rather than the morning of. You can do dinner, bath and pajamas and a bedtime routine and mom picks her up at 8:30pm.
NTA. There are a lot of kids with parents who have to get them up early for work and taken them to daycare or before school care. They can nap if they need to once there, it’s what our son did after getting dropped off at my Mom’s in the morning when he was little. As long as she’s getting to bed early enough she should be getting enough sleep. What time of day does your ex work? It kind of sounds like it’s too early for her.
NTA. Is she in school already? Some schools have a program that’s usually reasonably priced, specifically for 1st shift parents to bring their kids to for the 2-3 hours before school starts. They do fun stuff, study/do homework with them, and feed them breakfast before sending them to school. Some even have little cots for if the kids are still sleepy, they can just lay back down when they arrive.
If she is going to bed at 7pm, waking up at 5:00am is giving her enough sleep based on the recommendation for her age.
🔗 https://health.clevelandclinic.org/recommended-amount-of-sleep-for-children
Personally, I wouldn’t give up my stable job, especially since you say you don’t notice it being an issue when she’s with you. I would explore other options, like the school morning program I mentioned, and figure out your days without needing her help, which would make it a non issue.
Could you find a sitter to come in at 5:00 am when you go to work? Then take her to school? I bet there is a college student who could help you out.
NTA. As long as she has the opportunity to get ten hours of sleep she is fine. At her age she needs between 8-10 hours consistently for her brain function and development. If you’re getting her to bed by seven then she’s fine.
So, this isn’t just cut and dried as some other commenters are acting, and you’ve left a lot of pertinent information out.
You’re dropping her off at 5:30, but what time are you actually WAKING her? Because unless your ex lives next door, you are getting her up a lot earlier than 5:30 p.m. to drop her off on time
And are YOU waking her? Or is she already up / able to get up herself? Because 5-6am isn’t an unheard of wake up time for toddlers and Pre-K aged kids. They’re like little roosters. And if THEY are the ones directing this daily start time and they are still napping in the afternoon, it’s probably fine.
But if YOU are the one waking her up, it is not fine. If she is still asleep when you are shaking her awake for the day, you are waking her up too early, Dad. And we can appreciate that you want to be a super involved parent, but just because you are not witnessing something with your own two eyes does not mean it isn’t happening.
Because you’re at work when she’s cranky and sluggish and fussy, and she will be all of the above if she is overtired.
She’s 5, so about to start kindergarten? Which means her days are about to become a lot more intensive and involved, with a brand new routine to which she has to adapt. In other words, she’s going to be wiped out after school. And if you’re coupling that with her already being overtired, you are setting your child up for failure. If you hear it from her teacher that she is cranky in the afternoons, will you believe it then or do you still need to see it with your own eyes?
Kids at this age need a solid 12 hours of sleep, and some kids need even more than that. When is her bedtime? When are her meal times? There is a lot more that goes into a healthy kids schedule beyond “this is what time I need to be at work so everyone needs to adapt.”
You have her four nights a week. When exactly are your days off? Conveniently when your daughter is with her mother? Rearranging the custody schedule is likely a lot easier than rearranging your work schedule, and decreasing the number of days your daughter has to wake up at the crack of dawn would be better for probably everyone. Soft YTA, because there has to be a solution here that is better for everyone involved, your daughter most of all.
Get up early for factory work?
Psh – my father was just getting to sleep from 2nd shift and my mother was a substitute bus driver so when she was needed we woke up at 5 am to go to the babysitters before school.
There’s nothing wrong with what you are doing. Because of being up early when I was a child all of the time I learned and kept that schedule through my life and usually wake up around 5-6am. It never harmed me at all. It just means putting her to bed a bit earlier if she is tired.
The problem here is that the Ex has a different sleep schedule that you and it’s conflicting. Know that feeling. Depending on who puts mine to sleep she has a different schedule too. I’m around 6:30 (waking up at 11:30 for work) and my wife is around 8 or later I think. Your daughter is 5. She should adjust fine; mine has.
Your ex wife is causing problems when there are none. Pain in the ass getting up that early? Absolutely a big deal in the scheme of things? Absolutely not. She can’t do anything with this because the judge would laugh in her face. As long as your daughters overall health and demeanor are fine and she’s doing good in school. There’s no problem. Your ex-wife is the problem.
Are people so science-deprived that they think that there is no cost to ‘shift work’, which is what responders to this question are basically suggesting for a 5 year old child?
Ok – you shift her bedtime for 1/2 the week – or leave her sleep deprived under no plan other than ‘tough luck’. The 1/2 week shift sounds like the grueling schedule for part-week shift workers – and even your own company does not abuse you in such a manner. You luckily have set hours over a long term.
You want to parent. But at what cost to the child?
Personally woke up at 8am at that age, so obviously I feel like its incredibly early. I can also understand where the moms coming from. Having to entertain the kid from 5:30am until school sounds completely miserable. But thats a completely seperate problem. First confirm that the kid actually can manage the entire day, then figure this out, cause from my perspective shes not being upfront about it being a “her issue” and not a “kid issue”
NTA- kids are resilient and the easiest way to get her to not hate the 5am is adjust her bedtime. A lot of families get kids up early to drop them off at before and after school care, this seems no different to me from that perspective. My guess is the ex doesn’t like waking up that early.
NTA BUT perhaps work on a compromise. To address some of the other comments, what time do you put her to bed at night; obviously it would be very early. Can you shift which are your 4 nights so that 1 or 2 are before a day off? Does she not nap at her mothers? I know having her there at night and for breakfast is lovely, but would her mother prefer her returned right before bedtime or does she need those evenings off? At 5, she will be going to school soon and that actually does require rising pretty early so I dont think it terrible, but could you afford to pay a sitter for a couple of hours who would bring her to your wifes? ais it possible to bring her asleep or in PJs, and would there be time enough before childcare or whatever for her to fall asleep again? I personally think if your shift gives you extra time in the afternoon with her it could really work out well once she is in school as you could pick her up directly from school, sparing her after school care And most important having time with you. I know sometimes working schedules out with exes can be a problem and I applaud your delight and willingness to have her half of the time. If you are unable to compromise on hours, and other options, however, you SHOULD be very firm about a very early bedtime, I know you want that time with your daughter, I know she wont want to go to bed between 5 and 7. Get some blackout curtains, read to her, and practice that early bedtime; you could also reinforce with her that if she naps with her Mom in the day she could stay up later. Good luck! Keep up being a present, caring Dad!
right? some parents don’t even see their kids as much. she’s kinda overreacting.”
INFO: what’s the timeline of the morning to make 5:30 am drop off work? What time is child actually waking up? What time is bed time?
Having some follow-up questions answered would be helpful. What time do you put your daughter to bed at night? What time do you actually wake up your daughter to make it to her mom’s by 5:30am? Are all 4 days during the week or include some weekend days?
Sounds like her MOTHER doesn’t want to get up that early. It’s not hurting the kid at all.
YTA for expecting your ex to take care of your kid for before school care to accommodate your work schedule. You’ve had that schedule for the kids whole life if I’ve read this right. It’s been her making childcare work the whole time. She no longer owes you that. So if you keep that schedule, you need to do so with your own efforts. Your ex is saying no more. You are now legally required to respect that.
Call your kid’s pediatrician. Ask them how much sleep she should be getting a night and then look at what your schedule is realistically doing to your kid. Is she in bed asleep at 6:30 every night?
NTA but maybe consider not waking her up. Get yourself ready, carry sleeping her to the car and sleeping her into her mom’s house. Kids can generally sleep thru a lot. Make sure she has an adequate bed time as well. No later than 730.
It’s great to hear you’re a loving father who enjoys the time they get with their little.
What time are you putting the child to bed? I notice a lot of comments are assuming bedtime is around 7pm, but OP doesn’t mention that.
NTA because you seem like a good father wanting to spend time with his child. But I agree with the mother..When your child starts school, her attention will decrease due to fatigue.. Personally, I would never have accepted this type of arrangement. This is not in the best interests of the child and I am not sure if a judge would agree with this type of arrangement.
As someone who used to haul three kids to a babysitter by 6am, I can tell you that your daughter is fine. It is your ex-wife who doesn’t like getting up that early.
If you are having your daughter get dressed before you leave the house, maybe just take her in her pajamas and take clothes for her to get dressed in later. This, along with only getting her up in time to go to the car, will help her not be as awake so early, and possibly allow her to go back to sleep for a little while at mom’s.
YTA. 5am for a 5 year old who probably starts school at 9am sounds so unnecessary. Why just not pick her up after school and drop her off at her mother’s to sleep. Everyone’s different obviously but personally I would have hated to have had to wake up so early as a kid.