I will do my best to explain why I’m annoyed. For context, I (27F) have a cousin and her husband who recently moved near us from another state (where most of our family is). My parents and myself are the only family they have here, so I understand that they want to see us often. However, they tend to announce their arrival 15-30 minutes before they come, which doesn’t give us much time to plan. On top of that, I am currently attending university for my doctorates and am not always home by the time they come over. Whenever I am able to see them, they lightly make fun of me with comments such as “oh hello stranger” “nice to finally see you” etc when they leave little time to plan. Another thing that they along with my parents do is use any hardships I have as a punchline. I do consider myself as having a sense of humor and do not mind being roasted. However, if I open up about a vulnerability, it’ll somehow come up and they will all make fun of me for it (side note: my parents do not do this unless my cousins are around). They do this every time they come over and it’s always about something I feel vulnerable or insecure about. Today it happened again and it was the last straw. I got up and left the dinner table without saying a word. My mom checks up on me and I explain to her what I’m feeling and she told me that it’s just a joke and to take it lightly. So AITA for walking away and should I have told my family right in the moment how I felt? Thank you guys
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I will do my best to explain why I’m annoyed. For context, I (27F) have a cousin and her husband who recently moved near us from another state (where most of our family is). My parents and myself are the only family they have here, so I understand that they want to see us often. However, they tend to announce their arrival 15-30 minutes before they come, which doesn’t give us much time to plan. On top of that, I am currently attending university for my doctorates and am not always home by the time they come over. Whenever I am able to see them, they lightly make fun of me with comments such as “oh hello stranger” “nice to finally see you” etc when they leave little time to plan. Another thing that they along with my parents do is use any hardships I have as a punchline. I do consider myself as having a sense of humor and do not mind being roasted. However, if I open up about a vulnerability, it’ll somehow come up and they will all make fun of me for it (side note: my parents do not do this unless my cousins are around). They do this every time they come over and it’s always about something I feel vulnerable or insecure about. Today it happened again and it was the last straw. I got up and left the dinner table without saying a word. My mom checks up on me and I explain to her what I’m feeling and she told me that I need to get over it and that they make fun of me because they love me. So AITA for not liking the way I’m being treated? Thank you guys
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I walked away from my family without saying a word
2) it could make me look like the a-hole because I could have talked to my family right then and there rather than walking away without a word
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I think it would help to try to have one more conversation with your mom. I don’t think her reply was acceptable but now that you’re both removed from the immediate situation, try to talk to her again and reiterate how you feel to see if she takes you more seriously. If she doesn’t, maybe it’s best not to open up to her with those vulnerabilities for awhile.
NTA. Personally I am not up for passive/aggressice behavior when someone makes a joke about you then says why can’t you take a joke because you don’t laugh. Nope.
This is a hard one because I’m from a generation that sucked it up. Sometimes the ones that are doing don’t mean harm, but then there are the others.
You can always tell your mom that if they loved then they wouldn’t go out of there way to belittle you, and point out that if there are so smart they should have figured that out already. You might want to point out to your mother that she seems to have made a choice on who she prefers with her comments. Is appeasing a cousin more important than you?
Good luck. My mom was a narcissist who used to pull belittling crap so ….trigger.
I think it’s called bullying…
NTA, you are instead a victim.
NTA
Your cousins sound obnoxious. You don’t have to change your plans or see them, just so they can make fun of your hardships. WTF? Who does that?
Let your mother entertain them by herself when they show up without notice since she thinks they’re so funny. I’m sorry your mom doesn’t have your back. That sucks, and she sucks for doing that and for doubling down when you told her how you felt about it. She’s wrong. People who love you try to build you up, not make you feel like shit.
I suggest you find someone other than your family to open up to and talk about vulnerable stuff.
With family like this, who needs enemies? Jebus, your family sucks. Stop telling them any of your hardships, then tell your parents you don’t appreciate how your cousin treats you and you won’t be engaging with them until they can treat you with decency. And then stick to your word.
NTA It’s one thing to joke around with your family, but you should also always feel safe with your family. Taking advantage of or making fun of your vulnerabilities and insecurities is not how to show love, especially after they’ve been told how much it hurts you. You are not an AH for leaving the table. You are protecting (and respecting) yourself. Plus, you are a grown-ass woman who does not have to put up with any of that. If your parents only do that when your cousins are around, personally I would find excuses to be unavailable whenever they show up. Group-study, previously-made plans, physical illness…lol. You don’t need to “get over it.” THEY need to grow up and stop doing it!
Many, many years ago I had a few friends who would do that to me. They said it was “so easy” to pick on me because I didn’t do the same to them. Yeah, because that would make me a gigantic AH. Why would anyone intentionally hurt someone they allegedly love?
I truly hope they all get a clue very soon. ❤️
Sometimes you just get tired of being the punching bag, or the butt of all jokes. NTA. It’s old, it’s tiresome, they need to stop or you have every right to remove yourself. Your mom should be ashamed of herself for not shutting it down
You are 27 years old. 27. You’re not a child. Stand up for yourself.
NTA.
The best reply to thinly veiled insults is, “Not for nothing, but what you just said says a lot more about you than it does about me”.
It sounds like your cousins are insecure and are threatened by your success and your studies. Pay them no mind.
I suspect that once they get their feet under them and get more familiar in the area, you’ll see less of them because they will need you less. Right now it sounds like you are their social life.
As far as calling 15 to 30 minutes ahead of time, while it’s nice that they give you notice, you can consider it 15 to 30 minutes for you to clear out and not be there.
There is no law that says that you have to pick up the phone and that you have to be available.
You also have the ability to tell them that this is not a good time and to call back another time.
NTA
I am so tired of people using other people’s insecurities and making jokes about it. People are just AH and they are clueless. No need to apologize, and definitely no need to be around them when they drop in. F them.
Or
Next time they bring anything up about you, asked them. What is it that they are trying to hide by keeping you & your business as the topic of their conversation and jokes?
Nope, you handled the situation perfectly. Keep doing it
NTA. You can tell when something is a joke and “all in fun” because everyone laughs, including the butt of the joke.
NTA. Stop opening up to them. They don’t need access to your vulnerabilities. Keep those under wraps and only discuss w someone you can truly trust. Your family is full of bullies who will only hurt you each chance they get because it makes them feel like the better/bigger person, even tho they really aren’t.
“Hello, stranger.”
“Hello party crashers.”
NTA.