I’m 37M, my parents are in their 60s. I’ve been struggling, so my parents offered to let me stay in their spare house while I get back on my feet. They plan on selling the house eventually, and they do still have stuff here, so they do still need access.
Since I’ve moved in, they usually show up once, twice, three times a month. My father is very good with informing me ahead of time.
The last two times my mother showed up however, I was given about fifteen minutes notice?
The first time, I was taking a nap, and I didn’t notice the text on my phone. I wasn’t expecting anybody, and the front door often gets stuck, and so I thought someone might have just broke in. Ran downstairs with a metal bar, and nearly collapsed on the steps when I realized it was just my mom.
Fast forward to two days ago, I get a text from my mom: she’s right around the corner getting her nails done, and is going to stop by, drop off mail, water the plants, etc.
She at least says she’ll try calling when she gets here and ringing the doorbell so that I don’t freak out, but… she’s still only giving me about 15 minutes heads up, assuming I’m even paying close enough attention to my phone to notice. And she’s not asking, she’s telling; she has a key to the house, after all.
I don’t like this. I don’t feel like I have any meaningful privacy unless I’m confident my parents are probably asleep. And let’s be real, there’s plenty of things that a grown ass adult might indulge in they don’t want their parents suddenly a part of. I’m forced to go through every day under the assumption my mom might just show up, and that if I don’t answer the door in time, she’s going to just walk right in.
So I confronted them about this. The way I see it:
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If they plan on just showing up any time they’re in the area, I’d like to at least know when they are in the area so I can mentally prepare for that possibility.
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If they’re in the area so often that it doesn’t make sense to tell me every time it happens, then… clearly it would be very easy for them to just pick another day to show up if they hadn’t let me know I should be expecting them.
But the mindset is that this is their house, and they are doing me a massive favor letting me live here (which, yes, they are), and so they should have every right to just… do this.
If I’m asking them to tell me every time they’re in the area, then I’m “scripting their lives”. If I’m asking them to not just show up like this if they haven’t giving me a heads up the day before, then I’m… I don’t know; insulting them I guess? Because they’re the parent and this is their home and they’re being extremely generous so I should just put up with it?
I just want to know that outside of genuine emergencies, if I haven’t been given notice the day before, I can trust that I actually have some damn privacy, and that they won’t just show up like this on such short notice.
Am I the asshole?
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I’m 37M, my parents are in their 60s. I’ve been struggling, so my parents offered to let me stay in their spare house while I get back on my feet. They plan on selling the house eventually, and they do still have stuff here, so they do still need access.
Since I’ve moved in, they usually show up once, twice, three times a month. My father is very good with informing me ahead of time.
The last two times my mother showed up however, I was given about fifteen minutes notice?
The first time, I was taking a nap, and I didn’t notice the text on my phone. I wasn’t expecting anybody, and the front door often gets stuck, and so I thought someone might have just broke in. Ran downstairs with a metal bar, and nearly collapsed on the steps when I realized it was just my mom.
Fast forward to two days ago, I get a text from my mom: she’s right around the corner getting her nails done, and is going to stop by, drop off mail, water the plants, etc.
She at least says she’ll try calling when she gets here and ringing the doorbell so that I don’t freak out, but… she’s still only giving me about 15 minutes heads up, assuming I’m even paying close enough attention to my phone to notice. And she’s not asking, she’s telling; she has a key to the house, after all.
I don’t like this. I don’t feel like I have any meaningful privacy unless I’m confident my parents are probably asleep. And let’s be real, there’s plenty of things that a grown ass adult might indulge in they don’t want their parents suddenly a part of. I’m forced to go through every day under the assumption my mom might just show up, and that if I don’t answer the door in time, she’s going to just walk right in.
So I confronted them about this. The way I see it:
If they plan on just showing up any time they’re in the area, I’d like to at least know when they are in the area so I can mentally prepare for that possibility.
If they’re in the area so often that it doesn’t make sense to tell me every time it happens, then… clearly it would be very easy for them to just pick another day to show up if they hadn’t let me know I should be expecting them.
But the mindset is that this is their house, and they are doing me a massive favor letting me live here (which, yes, they are), and so they should have every right to just… do this.
If I’m asking them to tell me every time they’re in the area, then I’m “scripting their lives”. If I’m asking them to not just show up like this if they haven’t giving me a heads up the day before, then I’m… I don’t know; insulting them I guess? Because they’re the parent and this is their home and they’re being extremely generous so I should just put up with it?
I just want to know that outside of genuine emergencies, if I haven’t been given notice the day before, I can trust that I actually have some damn privacy, and that they won’t just show up like this on such short notice.
Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action I took: I, a 30 year old adult, so I could have a sense of proper privacy, told my parents I would like a heads up a day in advance if they plan on needing access to the house, OR, failing that, I’d at least would like to know as soon as possible if they’re going to be in the area if they intend on potentially just showing up on fifteen minute notice (or less) any time they’re around.
Why I might be the asshole: My parents are letting me stay in their spare house for free, and so demanding 24 hour notice restricts access to what is legally their house.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
“Mom, can you not think of even one reason why it’s important for me to have my privacy and expect notice when you plan on coming? Are you trying to walk in on me masturbating?”
YTA. Its their home. You are living in it rent free, and they are calling in to collect post and water the plants a couple of times a month and warning you in advance. What are you doing that needs more than 15 minutes warning before they can visit their own property? If this is a long term arrangement, and you want to behave like an adult, you can negotiate to pay some rent and say you’ll water the plants and drop off the post, but you want to change the locks.
Put deadbolts on the doors. When no one has asked if they can stop by, ignore the doorbell, ignore their calls, texts, let them leave without coming in. It may finally get the message across to your mother. NTA
Embrace the nudism lifestyle. This problem will solve itself.
You’re 37. If you don’t like how your parents live, it’s time to get your own house. As long as you’re living in their house – and not even watering their plants?!? – you deal with their rules and their opinions.
Big time YTA. And stop napping, start job hunting.
– a mom.
NTA. Hire a sex worker who can show up on short notice. I think the “you’ve been a naughty boy” scenario should be enough to put an end to your mom’s shenanigans.
While you’re NTA, you haven’t learned that there’s no such thing as a free lunch!
You want to live rent free? This is the cost. Otherwise agree to pay rent, sign a lease with them or elsewhere, and then you can request 24 hours notice of a landlord visit.
NAH. It’s completely reasonable to want some heads-up before having people in your living space, but it is ultimately their home.
ESH. You are in a position that has you relying on the kindness of your parents. You aren’t wrong to want privacy, but they aren’t wrong for wanting access to their spare home with a non-revenue- generating tenant.
This is a lot like high school lockers, yes it is your locker with your lock or code, but the school has the right to search it for any reason.
37 years old. Living for free in parents house. Still complains…. Crazy
yeah honestly yta. you’re living rent free in their spare home. you can’t expect privacy, if you paid then sure but you don’t 😂
NTA, but I don’t have a solution. They don’t sound reasonable. Have you tried turning the tables on them?
Assuming you are staying free which is extremely gracious I’d be happy about that
How long have you been staying there? Could they be trying to gently nudge you out the door?
YTA. Get your shit together.
NTAH. While not the same, I had a similar situation with my EX in laws. They had a key and would just show up. Well they walked in on their Son bending me over the couch. It was the last time they EVER came over with out a couple hours notice. So start walking around and just being naked. Tell your mom, it’s just more comfortable and had I known your were coming by I would have put clothes on, this is why I ask for more time than 15 minutes because some times I dont see my phone but letting me know the night before let’s me know to sleep in a pair of shorts to not scar each other again.
ESH. As an adult, privacy is invaluable. However, rent free living when you need it most is not to be taken for granted.
Ask your parents how they suggest you bridge this gap. However, you may need to make the choice between renting somewhere else and having no privacy.
When the door opens run to the door with a bat or large metal bar, and be soapy and completely naked. Then tell your mom you were in the shower and she needs to be more respectful of your privacy. NTA
I don’t get the YTA comments here at all. You’re 100% NTA. It’s just basic respectful behavior to notify someone you’re going to be coming by. I don’t think they’d like it if you just walked into the house they live in frequently and randomly with no notice. Yeah, sure, they’re helping you out, but that doesn’t mean you lose your autonomy as a person.
YTA – if this were your house then sure, you have the right to ask for notice. But to tell people they need to give 24 hours notice to visit their own house? No.
You are living in their house. For free. And your mother is coming over to water the plants? You can’t even do basic homekeeping like plant watering for a house you are living in for free? I can see why they might be stopping by pretty often. It seems like they don’t trust you with their home.
Frankly, I would just do any weird private shit in your bedroom with the door closed and plan on not getting more than 15 minutes notice.
You’re not really the asshole, everyone falls on hard times and it’s a parents responsibility to help their child even if their child is almost 40. A bunch of people are going to call you the asshole because they have a twisted view of success and a twisted view of how parents should support the person they chose to bring into this world. Having said this you need to simply sit down with your parents and have a conversation about how you feel, how they feel and how you can both accommodate each others feelings on the matter. If you haven’t signed a lease with them then they are not legally your landlord therefore they don’t legally have to give you 24 hours notice. Having said that everyone deserves some privacy and clearly you are feeling anxious about not having any. You both need to be adults about the situation and have a conversation and come to a mutually beneficial understanding. You also need to understand that they may still make the “mistake” of giving you 15 min heads up even if you agree on say a 2 hour interval. The best solution is to get a camera for the front door. When you’re doing something you want privacy for do it inside a bedroom with the door shut, don’t jack off on the couch in the living room or standing in the kitchen.
I am kind of on the side of neither of you are assholes. I mean it does kind of suck Mom is doing that but it kind of goes with the free house. I know it is kind of rude and I would not do it but keep trying to tell her to stop. Maybe start sleeping naked? I would purposely make her a bit uncomfortable
Get one of those screeching alarm door stops and put them into use. ☠️
INFO What are they doing when they drop by? You mentioned watering plants, what else? Are they tasks that you could offer to take over?
Can your mom call instead of text? That gives you a better chance of getting the message she’s on her way. Probably nothing you can do about the short notice.
If you don’t want your parents to drop by, how about doing some work to ease their burden and reduce their need to stop by as often? Water the plants yourself, drop off their mail weekly… Your parents are doing you a MASSIVE favor, and you are mad thar you got woken up during a mid-day nap?
You went from couch serfs and your parents did make a generous offer that you could stay at their place WHICH THEY ARE DELAYING SELLING so YOU CAN GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. FOR FREE.
It’s not a spare house. It’s an asset which has overhead of taxes, insurance, utilities even if there’s no mortgage. I don’t know exactly what their’s are, but mine add up to a thousand a month.
And we’re in a declining market nationally. So they are also losing money there.
Which apparently your mid 30s couch surfing mentality is just too impaired to relate to. Actual adult responsibilities.
You need to wake up from the entitled bubble you are operating within. There’s a time limit on this arrangement. Your parents are telling you this was generous and they are really hoping you self initiate getting your act together.
But you whining about your privacy and wanting the rights and privileges of a market paying tenant? Oh, sweetie. You rock that boat. Go ahead.