AITA here? DH bought dinner plates (he wanted) for me for my 50th birthday.
I was not really looking forward to my 50th birthday. Health problems (torn rotator cuff), many other health difficulties, and surviving cancer made this a big one, but a tough one for many reasons. I’m not a party person; I didn’t want to have people at our house and then have to clean it all up. My DH is an alcoholic, so we don’t serve drinks which isn’t as fun for others at a party IMHO and it isn’t as fun for me, I need some social lube for stuff like that, especially if it’s about me. I’m a little shy and socially sensitive.
What I wanted was to see a movie with our little fam, go to dinner, and hopefully open a thoughtful gift.
My DH bought some breakfast items, and I woke up to home printed photos of me throughout my life taped up all over the house. (Which honestly kinda made me sad to think about the girl I was and where I am in life now.) But I was REALLY trying to be happy and laughed at the photos, and we ate breakfast (all happened the day before my actual bday on a weekend day).
I noted some new plates, and he said, Happy Birthday! I was confused and didn’t know what to say. I didn’t say anything else about the plates, but saw a card and they said to open it and a little wrapped package. It was a t-shirt with my birth year and a card. I put on the shirt, hugged everyone, and thanked them for breakfast and the card. While getting ready for the movie, my DH said I should wear something nicer for dinner, so I changed. We saw the movie I (and my kiddo) wanted to see and then went to a restaurant in the mall. I wondered if he was waiting until my actual birthday to give me a present. Then he asked if I liked the plates. I said, yes, “they were the ones you wanted”, correct? Then he said he was glad I liked them because he didn’t know what to get me for my birthday. I was taken aback and probably visibly disappointed. I waited a few, excused myself and just lost it. I hid in the bathroom and cried. AITA for wanting something more personal after 18 years of marriage? Plates that we all use and I have to wash every day? Plates used by everyone and aren’t anything special…they are everyday plates.
AITA for wanting something more personal after 18 years of marriage and a lot of hard times?
Background: we do not have financial issues; we are doing ok financially. DH has bought things in the past that I’ve specifically said I do not like or want (plants that I am terrible with, shoes that were on super clearance and didn’t fit) which we’ve talked over a few times. I am a gift person; I love giving and receiving thoughtful gifts.
I really need to know, AITA for wanting something more personal and for being disappointed and upset?
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AITA here? DH bought dinner plates (he wanted) for me for my 50th birthday.
I was not really looking forward to my 50th birthday. Health problems (torn rotator cuff), many other health difficulties, and surviving cancer made this a big one, but a tough one for many reasons. I’m not a party person; I didn’t want to have people at our house and then have to clean it all up. My DH is an alcoholic, so we don’t serve drinks which isn’t as fun for others at a party IMHO and it isn’t as fun for me, I need some social lube for stuff like that, especially if it’s about me. I’m a little shy and socially sensitive.
What I wanted was to see a movie with our little fam, go to dinner, and hopefully open a thoughtful gift.
My DH bought some breakfast items, and I woke up to home printed photos of me throughout my life taped up all over the house. (Which honestly kinda made me sad to think about the girl I was and where I am in life now.) But I was REALLY trying to be happy and laughed at the photos, and we ate breakfast (all happened the day before my actual bday on a weekend day).
I noted some new plates, and he said, Happy Birthday! I was confused and didn’t know what to say. I didn’t say anything else about the plates, but saw a card and they said to open it and a little wrapped package. It was a t-shirt with my birth year and a card. I put on the shirt, hugged everyone, and thanked them for breakfast and the card. While getting ready for the movie, my DH said I should wear something nicer for dinner, so I changed. We saw the movie I (and my kiddo) wanted to see and then went to a restaurant in the mall. I wondered if he was waiting until my actual birthday to give me a present. Then he asked if I liked the plates. I said, yes, “they were the ones you wanted”, correct? Then he said he was glad I liked them because he didn’t know what to get me for my birthday. I was taken aback and probably visibly disappointed. I waited a few, excused myself and just lost it. I hid in the bathroom and cried. AITA for wanting something more personal after 18 years of marriage? Plates that we all use and I have to wash every day? Plates used by everyone and aren’t anything special…they are everyday plates.
AITA for wanting something more personal after 18 years of marriage and a lot of hard times?
Background: we do not have financial issues; we are doing ok financially. DH has bought things in the past that I’ve specifically said I do not like or want (plants that I am terrible with, shoes that were on super clearance and didn’t fit) which we’ve talked over a few times. I am a gift person; I love giving and receiving thoughtful gifts.
I really need to know, AITA for wanting something more personal and for being disappointed and upset?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole for not being grateful for the new plates. I didn’t say thank you before I got upset and I wasn’t over the top happy of photos of me hanging all over the house. I find it embarrassing. I said thank you for the card and shirt, and looked over all the photos with my family. But I was visibly surprised and upset when I realized the plates were the gift. That could make me the asshole because at least he got me something and some people don’t have money to buy anything right now.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH. Sounds like DH made an effort, but is not the person who can please you in that particular way that matters to you.
NTA. Doesn’t really sound like you did anything except be privately hurt, which is rough. I’m sorry. Birthdays can be really tough, and you had a lot going on around this one. What is DH? Dumb Husband? Serious question lol.
Hm this is honestly a tough one for me. I think your husband’s gift was ill-advised indeed. On the surface, it sounds like a gift that is more for him than for you, and if you think it was indeed a SELFISH gift versus one that he thought you’d truly like and appreciate, then yeah I can see why he’s an AH here.
But some of your expectations and interpretation of your birthday seem unfair to me. For instance you mention the celebration was on the weekend and not your ‘real’ bday. Is it really crucial to you that the celebration happen on your specific day and if so, did you make that clear?
Your husband getting breakfast, taking you to dinner and a movie, and putting up a sweet photo montage of you IS all thoughtful. Those are nice gestures. Now, for a 50th birthday…yeah they do seem small scale and I can understand hoping for more but that probably comes down to the birthday ‘norms’ in your house.
Your entire focus is on the gift, and I’m not really willing to say a shitty gift makes him an AH (however if it was a self-serving gift, he is definitely getting there for me). It’s unclear to me whether you even made it clear you specifically wanted a THOUGHTFUL GIFT for your bday. Maybe he should have known but if this isn’t really his / your style nor the norm, it seems like you should have had more realistic expectations.
You seem bent on being disappointed – the bday wasn’t timed right, the photos made you sad, the gift was unexciting. I’ll go NAH.
YTA
First off…
> I need some social lube for stuff like that
No. You don’t. No one does. This statement alone makes you an AH in my book. “Shy and socially sensitive” are things that can be worked on, not crutches to excuse a poor relationship with alcohol.
> Which honestly kinda made me sad to think about the girl I was and where I am in life now.
Here again. This is a you issue. The guy did something to celebrate your life, but you feel it just highlights some sort of perceived failure. The fact that you feel like this is
Your husband put a lot of effort into making your birthday special. Was his gift a misstep? Perhaps, but not something to have an existential crisis over.
You could always buy yourself something special to celebrate your own birthday.
But it’s much easier to blame someone else for your problems, which is exactly what you are doing.
Most people would be happy to have a spouse who put in this level of effort.
Oh, and while I am at it… It is not your husbands job to make you happy. That’s your job. You and you alone are responsible for your happiness. You ruined your own birthday, because of your attitude.
Your husbands job? To be a good person. To be a good partner. To try the best he can. As near as I can tell, he did.
I mean, it sounds like you had a really nice day with your family and you’re dismissing it because there wasn’t a material object that met your standard of “thoughtful”.
I think the pictures were thoughtful, I feel like that effort would have made me pretty emotional and feel cherished in a way stuff can’t.
YTA.
NAH, he flubbed the gift, but it was a nice well intentioned day close to what you asked for.
Maybe it would be better to talk about gifts more openly instead of expecting a surprise you’ll like. My husband and I tend to make gift purchase for each other as a joint decision—go shopping together or research the best version of something together—no mind-reading required and no wasted purchases.
NAH. Doesn’t sound like you actually said or did anything to him about it, so nothing to make you an asshole. You’re entitled to your feelings. It sounds like he made an effort but isn’t the best at choosing gifts. Might be easier to just tell him what you want.
NAH.
You are a gift person, and DH clearly is not. But you married him anyway.
You’re also picky about just exactly what you get. Which is fine, but if there’s a pattern of disappointment it’s no surprise if he quits trying.
My wife is always disappointed in my gifts, in part because she’s always expecting me to come up with an “amazing” gift this time to make up for all the “bad” ones. Once, early in my marriage I got my wife a designer purse, which she loved. But that gave her license to buy herself designer purses she likes more. I can’t get her clothes because the style or size is wrong. And she’s buying clothes for herself every week as it is. Same with just about anything she wants or needs. New iPhone, fancy kitchen gadgets, whatever.
It’s pretty much down to jewelry. It has to be something she “wouldn’t buy for herself” ($$$) AND in her style (but not exactly like something she already has?)
Anyway, IDK if I’m like your husband, or you’re like my wife. But if you are going to be picky about presents, you need to just specify exactly what you want.
Okay. You need to take a cue from my family. We don’t do surprises. At some point, everyone realized that the gifts they were getting from each other absolutely sucked. So we sat down and had an honest discussion about it with me at the center because I’m the hardest person to shop for. It was decided that we would make a list from now and on. Around everyone’s birthday and Christmas we give each other a list of things that we would actually like and use. That way if you select something from the list, you know the person isn’t disappointed. The tradition was ironically started around Christmas time. Ever since then? No bad birthdays, no bad Christmases. You can add extra gifts if you’d like if you enjoy the element of surprise. The main thing though is getting the person what they said they wanted. That way if your extras aren’t appreciated, it won’t be so bad. People need to stop pretending. I hate the way the phrase ” It’s the thought that counts”is used in America. It isn’t used to say that you should put great thought into what you buy each other. Instead it’s used to mean “Even if you don’t like the gift, you should just be grateful that the person got you something.”it’s true that gratefulness is something every human should possess, but with respect to gifts? Is a person without feet supposed to be happy that I got them a pair of shoes? What if I got an old lady with no teeth a bag of rock candy? You are not a bad person for wanting an excellent birthday. Even with the element of surprise, the person who got you those plates should be thoughtful and empathetic enough to know that they were something they wanted. How old is he? You do stupid stuff like that when you’re a kid. I’ll get mommy a hot wheels set! We aren’t old enough to think mommy doesn’t like Hot Wheels. We like Hot Wheels. So take the cue. Stop putting on a show. Be honest about what you want. And hey, there’s nothing wrong with buying yourself something on your birthday.
NTA for wanting something personal but you are for pretending you liked the present and the whole charade instead of being honest with your partner.
Light ESH. It can certainly be considered rude gifting a shared item that the gifter wants more than the receiver. “Gift giving” is fine as a love language, but not everyone will share that expression of love with you, and that’s for you to navigate in life and your relationships.
Is this how you feel at every birthday (and Mother’s Day and seasonal holiday) or were your expectations higher because of it being a “milestone” birthday.
After 50 years on the planet, you MUST realize that people do presents very differently. We all have different preferences, likes and dislikes, and beliefs about the importance of our own birthday, and what a partner’s attention to that birthday demonstrates about your relationship!
I understand that my husband is not great at doing presents. Most of the time, he makes an effort. He appreciates that I give him ONE reminder about a week out. He gets stressed out because he WANTS to give me something I’ll love, but he’s just not that great about shopping. As I got older I realized it’s no fun to get gifts that made him so anxious, so we’d hit the mall together, go to my favorite store, I’d pick out a bunch of things I liked, then go wait somewhere nearby while he chose and paid for a couple. And he would wrap them.
The more birthdays you have, the more you realize that it’s silly to get all worked up about them. Enjoy them for what they are and be done with it.
Deep breaths, girl. You’ll have a happier birthday that way.
NTA. Take the plates back and get something you like. Going forward, know your husband is terrible at gift giving. Purchase what you want for a gift and let him know. If he says the plates can’t be returned, BUY something for yourself.
NAH. If you aren’t offering him guidance, then he’s going to wing it. And he winged it straight into the ground. But he did something which was at least an attempt to give you a gift. And they had something made for you, which required forethought and planning. And they had printed the photos, which was very sweet, although I can see how it made you a bit sad.
I’d say the biggest gift you got this year was the understanding that you have to be more active in getting what you want. Offer a list of ten things you truly want, they pick from that, and are able to delight you. Hooray, everyone is happy.
Now go live your life in joy that you survived cancer (congratulations on your recovery!) and a loving family.
NTA, the gift was thoughtless. I don’t know that it’s a reason to blow things up and if you’ve talked this out in the past with no changes this may just be something you live with or find a work around that sets you both up for success.
But I think your feelings are valid and the gift was selfish. I don’t know why some commenters are working so hard to pick you apart, I understood the details as context.
A piece that isn’t getting as much attention….if I had survived cancer and had a milestone birthday I would hope my partner would want to show me how grateful they are I’m alive and I don’t think it’s weird to want that. The photos around the house seem well intentioned but I don’t get what that well intentioned thing was besides a low effort way to appear to be making a big deal.
NTA.
After 18 years, your husband should know you well enough to 1. know that you would want a personal gift, and 2. know what you would like to receive as a gift. You do not have to settle on giving up the idea of sweet surprises, and expecting a partner to be empathetic and observant is not expecting him to read your mind. People who are actually thoughtful do exist.
I get that this is a heavy thing to say to a stranger on the Internet, but you may want to take time to reflect on whether you are actually happy with your relationship.
Depression, unhappiness, and health issues are a lot. It sounds like you’re struggling at the moment. I encourage you to take another look at the day your husband created for you. You got 2 of the 3 things you listed: going to a movie you wanted to see, and going to dinner. Am I detecting disdain toward the mall restaurant? If it wasn’t the place you wanted to eat, was there something stopping you from suggesting an alternative? Making breakfast for you sounds really nice. Is there something wrong with that? I, too struggle with looking at past pictures of myself. I get it. But your family loves you. Your husband got out the old pictures, went through them, and found memories he treasures. I hope you see the love and thoughtfulness behind this gesture. As for the plates, ok. It’s not a good birthday gift. The way you tell the story, it sounds like your husband paid attention to what you wanted. Those are better things to focus on than your disappointment.
Don’t hint at a gift, or expect him to know.
Send him a wish list with links for holidays and your birthday.
You’re NTA for wanting something thoughtful. Where you might end up being the asshole would be based on how you handle it and what previous interactions are like.
If your husband always buys gifts like these, unless you actually told him you want something special and maybe designate someone he can run ideas by (assuming he needs hand holding for this), you can’t really expect it. Communication is key. Try talking to him and explaining things that you want/don’t want, like/don’t like.
Also, the pics of you all over sounds so cute, but you took it and turned it kinda depressive/dark. I would suggest visiting a therapist. I’m not saying this as in a, “Wow you’re messed up go see one@ kind of way but more of a, “This sounds like it might be a sign of something more, and maybe talking through it can help.” A therapist could also help you gather your thoughts to talk to your husband.
NTA – to me it sounds like this is about more than just a gift. Clearly the last year has been hard on you and your family so when your special day wasn’t all you wanted, I totally understand your dissapointment.
There is an expectation of personal understanding in a long term relationship that was not fulfilled by DH. Especially if you are well known as a gift person. I hope the cry was cathartic and that you and DH can talk about the trajectory of your life together. Asking for small changes in order to feel happier in your relationship is not unreasonable. You both deserve to have your creature comforts acknowledged.
NTA. You need to throw yourself a birthday party. To start the festivities, I’d take those dinner plates outside and have target practice. Rocks, BB gun, marbles, whatever it takes to smash those plates. Pretend it’s a Greek wedding. Smash those plates.
Sister, you are 50. You have to be realistic about what people are capable of.
Actually what specifically did you want? You need to spell it out bc though you are a gift person, maybe your husband isn’t. And buying gifts for a 50 year old woman is really difficult. Just buy what you want. You aren’t a little kid without the means.
I do understand the disappointment. But that’s really just being a mother in real life.
NTA.
Say they must be magic plates that only others wash since he got plates he wanted for your birthday, and you realized not having to do dishes is actually a great gift.
JK, it’s okay to be disappointed. Buy something you like for his birthday.