Hi all. I’ll try and keep this brief but it’s a bit of a ramble I suppose. There’s a lot lol
My mom and I are completely at odds abt this wedding. My wedding. She wanted to have it in the city and a restaurant which would cost at least 8000-10,000 ($85/a head at the least, 100-120 people) just for food and venue. I guess that’s most important.
It’s not really mine and my partners style. It’s a nice resto but it’s that whole… casual-industrial style. Parking is shitty. Food would be wonderful don’t get me wrong. But it’s a closed room at a restaurant and my partner and I are outdoorsy people. I never wanted a standard “hall” wedding.
Months ago my dad (parents are divorced) and I went to go see this barn and I fell in love before I knew the price. It was completely unattainable and that’s ok; my in-laws offered to host in their backyard. Which for me is really great bc
1) now the costs for the venue are just a tent and a portable washroom trailer (like a nice one). My in-laws have all the musical equipment we need as well as all the tables and chairs and dining accoutrement bc my MIL is an event planner and has done weddings before
2) when my partner was a kid, he spent all summer clearing out the backyard with his dad (they had just moved in and it was a mess) and so I think it’s kind of romantic that all his work led to this moment
The problems… my mom is completely against it. She starts talking shit abt my dad whenever it comes up, calling him cheap. She also says stuff like “I’ve never been invited to their (in-laws) place so idk what it’s like” and I understand that. But we could all organize a time to go up and see it, plus I have drone photos.
Another issue: my mom’s mobility. Right now, she can’t walk more than a few steps. I have to wheel her in her walker to every doctors appt, family gathering, everything. She had a kidney transplant and we are still dealing with that. My uncle also uses a walker but he’s much more mobile.
She made a comment about how my uncle won’t be able to get around the backyard to use the bathroom which simply can’t be true. I’ve seen him move around other family events? And also, I would never try to make it difficult for him, and there’s no telling that the restaurant is any better. Especially since it would be full of people still.
My mom and I have argued about everything. It almost came to blows once. I just want to have my own wedding! Have a wedding my partner and I will love. I do like to DIY and create and my MIL has been so supportive of that. She’s also pretty sure we can get food down to like $50 a person, which is really great.
I guess I want to know if I’m the asshole, but I also would love to hear from people who had major disagreements with their families about life stuff. I think I have to do what I want but I never imagined my mother wouldn’t be involved in my wedding and this is rly making me want to just elope lol
Thanks all 💕
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Hi all. I’ll try and keep this brief but it’s a bit of a ramble I suppose. There’s a lot lol
My mom and I are completely at odds abt this wedding. My wedding. She wanted to have it in the city and a restaurant which would cost at least 8000-10,000 ($85/a head at the least, 100-120 people) just for food and venue. I guess that’s most important.
It’s not really mine and my partners style. It’s a nice resto but it’s that whole… casual-industrial style. Parking is shitty. Food would be wonderful don’t get me wrong. But it’s a closed room at a restaurant and my partner and I are outdoorsy people. I never wanted a standard “hall” wedding.
Months ago my dad (parents are divorced) and I went to go see this barn and I fell in love before I knew the price. It was completely unattainable and that’s ok; my in-laws offered to host in their backyard. Which for me is really great bc
The problems… my mom is completely against it. She starts talking shit abt my dad whenever it comes up, calling him cheap. She also says stuff like “I’ve never been invited to their (in-laws) place so idk what it’s like” and I understand that. But we could all organize a time to go up and see it, plus I have drone photos.
Another issue: my mom’s mobility. Right now, she can’t walk more than a few steps. I have to wheel her in her walker to every doctors appt, family gathering, everything. She had a kidney transplant and we are still dealing with that. My uncle also uses a walker but he’s much more mobile.
She made a comment about how my uncle won’t be able to get around the backyard to use the bathroom which simply can’t be true. I’ve seen him move around other family events? And also, I would never try to make it difficult for him, and there’s no telling that the restaurant is any better. Especially since it would be full of people still.
My mom and I have argued about everything. It almost came to blows once. I just want to have my own wedding! Have a wedding my partner and I will love. I do like to DIY and create and my MIL has been so supportive of that. She’s also pretty sure we can get food down to like $50 a person, which is really great.
I guess I want to know if I’m the asshole, but I also would love to hear from people who had major disagreements with their families about life stuff. I think I have to do what I want but I never imagined my mother wouldn’t be involved in my wedding and this is rly making me want to just elope lol
Thanks all 💕
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I decided on a wedding Venue without my moms approval which has created a rift in our relationship
2) I might be the asshole bc she was offering financial help and I went against what she wanted so now she might not give me any money for the wedding
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, your wedding, your decision.
NTA it’s your wedding! Tell your mom she has had hers already
Also ask her is she gonna foot the bill for her pricier choice of wedding
INFO do you plan to make any accommodations for the family members with limited mobility in the backyard wedding plan? Who is covering the cost of the wedding? You say your MIL is “pretty sure” she can get the cost down to $50/person, what is the upper limit of cost per person for the backyard catering?
Please have the wedding you want; your plans sound great! If your mother doesn’t want to attend, that’s on her; don’t be manipulated/guilted into doing something you don’t really want to do. Plus your MIL is an event planner; why wouldn’t you take advantage of her skills? She’ll know about restroom accessibility and all that, and she’ll have contacts you can use. Bottom line: who do you need to please – you and your soon-to-be husband, or your mother?
Definitely NTA. Enjoy your backyard wedding – congratulations!
NTA. Is she paying for the wedding? If no, then tell her thanks for the advice, but you’re doing it at your in-laws and that’s final. Any time she tries to bring it up, tell her your decision was final and you will NOT discuss it any more. Stick to your guns!
If yes, can you have your wedding without her money? If yes, pay for it yourself and see above. If no, well, she holds the cards and is going to try and wear you down. It’s going to be your fight, how hard do you want to go?
NTA. It’s YOUR wedding, not your mother’s. Unless you’re organising it on the top of a mountain not accessible to most people, everyone will be fine, I’m sure moving around a backyard can’t be that much of a problem.
Have a wedding you and your partner want, don’t let your mother dictate something you’ll end up hating.
NTA- Your wedding your choice.
Also Ive never met anyone who has regretted a small wedding/elopement. Ive met plenty who regretted spending big on a wedding. For most people its just an expensive party
NTA
Just make sure your mother, uncle, and any other guests with mobility issues are able to get around okay. Discuss it specifically with your in-laws, maybe with your mom involved?
>my mom is completely against it. She starts talking shit abt my dad whenever it comes up, calling him cheap.
What does your dad have to do with it? I thought you said it was your in-laws’ place?
NTA. It’s your wedding, not your mom’s do-over party. I’d 100% pick the backyard with the sentimental tie and cheaper cost over being stuffed in some overpriced hall that looks like every other wedding. Your mom’s mobility concerns are valid to think through but it sounds like you’re already planning for accessibility. At the end of the day, she can either support you or pout about it, but she doesn’t get veto power over your marriage.
NTA It’s not your mother’s wedding. She’s neither the bride or the groom. As for her animous towards your father, she picked him, married him and they had a family together. If she’s got buyers remorse, it’s her issue to sort out. Your wedding is a celebration of your union. It’s not her day. If she’s concerned about her mobility, rent her a mobility scooter. You can always rent a handicapped accessible portable restroom for your guests who can’t manage stairs. All of her objections can be managed expect the one big one why she can’t get her way.
NTA!!! Its your wedding! All the money you’ll be saving could be used for something else, like your honeymoon, a future place to live, maybe even a new car. If mom doesn’t like the venue choice for your wedding, simply uninvite her.
NTA, but:
Your mother may feel that it’s not so much “your” wedding, as it is “your and your mother-in-law’s” wedding.
Think about it. Their backyard. Their encouragement of the DIY things. Where’s your mother’s influence? She wants to feel special and included, not shut out or her tastes disparaged.
One final item. Your mother mentioned never having been invited to your in-law’s house. That’s unfortunate and a bit of an etiquette misstep. OTOH, has she invited them over?
INFO; while I do think she’s being way overbearing, she does bring up a good point about potential mobility issues.
Is the backyard all grass? Pavers? Can you put temporary flooring down to create an even ground? Can you create designated aisles so people are more cognizant of the people who need a bit of space?
Also, is your mom contributing financially to the wedding? While it should be considered more of a gift, unfortunately, it does come with invisible strings most of the time. If she is contributing, she may feel even more entitled to share her opinions.
But have the wedding you and your partner want. It’s your memories and story.
NTA, dude. It’s your wedding, not your mom’s, and it seems like you’ve heavily considered all sides. Eloping might solve everything, though I can tell you legit want your dream backyard wedding. Stand your ground, and maybe invite your mom over to the backyard to solve that issue? Anyway, your wedding, your call. Also, props to you and your MIL for keeping the DIY spirit alive, that’s dope. Best of luck!
NTA, dude. It’s your wedding, not your mom’s, and it seems like you’ve heavily considered all sides. Eloping might solve everything, though I can tell you legit want your dream backyard wedding. Stand your ground, and maybe invite your mom over to the backyard to solve that issue? Anyway, your wedding, your call. Also, props to you and your MIL for keeping the DIY spirit alive, that’s dope. Best of luck!
I gave in to my mom on everything for my wedding. Dress, venue, food, music, basically everything except flowers and cake. To this day, 53 years later, I regret it. Do what you want. Have your day.
NTA.
With your future MIL being an event planner, I’m sure she has some solutions for your uncle and mom having mobility issues. Just speak with her and ask what is feasible.
OP, you don’t need me to tell you this, but you’re a grown woman. You and your fiancé can have the wedding you want. Your mother’s job right now is to support you, not ‘come to blows’ over what she wants for YOUR wedding vs. what you want for yourself.
Put on your big girl pants, sit down with your mother, and tell her that you will be planning this wedding the way you want and what you want is the low-key backyard wedding at your ILs home. Tell her that you have a plan for addressing mobility issues and that you hope that she decides to attend, but you understand if she does not want to. How she handles herself from that point on, is not your problem. Then drop the mic and stop engaging in her tantrums.
P.S. Currently finishing up my own wedding planning for November. Mom has opinions, but I’m informing her of what is planned rather than asking what she thinks about anything.
NTA. Your mom sounds like an energy vampire, who will complain about everything. you can’t try and meet these people with logic or reason, because they will just move onto the next reason or thing that is bad/miserable.
NTA. It shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks except the couple getting married. Period. You can make reasonable accommodations for mobility issues. Said mobility issues do not, however, give anyone the right to dictate where your wedding will take place. You two deserve to have the wedding you want and if mobility stops your Mom or anyone else from navigating a yard, that sounds like an excuse. It truly depends on how said yard is setup but your Mom is making your wedding about her. Shut that shit down NOW or she will continue to tell you she knows better and play the but what about me card for every major decision you make for the rest of her life.
NTA. For one thing, it’s your wedding and your decision period. For another, your wedding sounds lovely — outdoors >> indoors any day. And saving all that money will be great. What does it matter if she’s been invited there before, that’s irrelevant. Mobility challenges are a real issue but I don’t see why a backyard event would be any harder to navigate than a restaurant, and your uncle isn’t complaining only your mom. If anything if your mom and uncle have health challenges an outdoor event is less likely to endanger their health.
NTA. Your wedding. Just make sure you hire an accessible toilet facility, and maybe a scooter for her if that’s feasible?
She says:
>“I’ve never been invited to their (in-laws) place so idk what it’s like”
and you say:
>“That’s OK, you don’t have to know what it’s like.”
And if you’re not saying that, why not? As other people have said, this is not her wedding, it’s yours. You just need to be more consistent in acting like it.
NTA for wanting your own wedding, however…while it is your day, if you want to celebrate with people who need accommodations, you need to provide accommodations they are comfortable with. You mom in a wheel chair could be very difficult, are there paths into the yard? The portable restrooms often have steps…can a ramp be added? Are you planning to have a floor in the tent? These are additional details you do need to think of. In the big picture, it may be more affordable to do in a restaurant where these items are already there.
NTA in any way. It’s your wedding. You should be able to do you
But here’s a suggestion if you want to make your mom happy. You certainly don’t have to do this, but it might make peace
Agree to a large rehearsal dinner at the restaurant of her choice. She’ll need to pay for it, but you’ll let her invite who she wants and agree to wear a pretty white dress.
A friend of mine did this and it reduced her stress a lot
Nta. She sounds like an armchair critic. Its your day and shes the only one bringing negativity. Stick with what you want.
Is the backyard accessible? Like, if it is all grass that a wheelchair/wheeled walker can’t get over, and steps up to the bathroom trailer, etc, I see your Mom’s point. She doesn’t want to be Mom of the bride and stuck in a corner away from everyone, because she can’t navigate the terrain.
Other than that, NTA for your back yard wedding. I see a ton of posts on r/weddingplanning and similar about backyard weddings ending up costing way more than a traditional venue/restaurant would. But if your MIL is an event planner, she has more sense than the average person of cost and legality of hosting an event.
She might have tables and chairs, but do you need to rent a dance floor? Buy/rent all the tableware? Hire serving staff? Clean up staff? Or are you putting your guests to work? How much does catering cost? Do you need licensed bartenders? Dessert? The bathroom trailer. Any decorations?
If food is $50/person, + all the other expenses, as compared to $85/person with most of that stuff included, the restaurant sounds cheaper. If the backyard wedding is just more your vibe, cool. But it doesn’t sound like it’ll save money.
NTA. You should have the wedding you want.
I would say though that your mom has a couple genuine concerns, backyards can be more difficult terrain than a building. Be sure to have some manner in which mobility challenged people can move around. It’s a problem that you can solve.
Second, your mom is seeing your in laws involved, but not herself. I would make it a point of staying firm and saying “Mom, I am having my wedding there. But I would really like it if we could go see the yard together and you could help me pick out flowers [or some other element].”
NTA not as ass for wanting what you want but why not compromise and go to a nice farm or valley? Have a nice venue and you aren’t gett married in a backyard, its often a bit cheaper than a large venue in town. That being said its really up to you, it sounds like your parent is coming from a place of love though.
NTA. This is your wedding, she doesn’t get a say so. If you got her way will you truly be happy about your day? No you wouldn’t. So she doesn’t get to decide how YOUR wedding is. She had her time before now its your time. Chose wherever you want to have your day and enjoy it.