I need to know if I’m wrong for wanting my 23 year old son to move out. He finished university last year but made hardly any effort with course. He chose to study a field that is unlikely to result in a job however I respected his choice. He decided he wants to be a rapper and spent all of his student finance (I paid his rent) on pursuing rap. He’s been away for a few days and I’m dreading his return. I feel awful for writing this but I’m so much happier when he’s not here.
He’s lazy, disrespectful, does no housework, constantly lies and I feel as if my life is on hold until he moves out. Bit of the back story, I had him at 17 and had no family for support as my father was absent and my mother was an addict. His Dad didn’t stick around or pay child support. I wanted to give him the start I didn’t have so worked hard to provide for him all while studying. Fast forward to now and while I do have a well paid job money is tight. He does occasional shifts in a bar (not every week) but constantly orders takeaways at 2am when he thinks I’m sleeping and now has a weed habit.
I’ve told him how much I struggle financially and that the bills are so much higher now he’s home all the time but he seems to think this is ok as I’m his Mom. I know I’ve messed up by providing everything he needs but I naively thought he’d see it as an opportunity to save and thrive. He’s the only family I have. I can now see I haven’t helped I’ve hindered him.
I was just cleaning the kitchen and found a letter from his bank that said his direct debits had bounced and he had used £3000 of his overdraft. He told me he’d been saving all of his money and I thought he’d have enough to move out soon, he should have at least £10,000. I don’t have money to spend on myself but thought that’s ok as he’s building his future. I want to sit him down when he’s back and say he needs to find a place to live within the next 6 months. Is this wrong of me? I have no life, I work, walk the dog and come home. I can’t date or have friends over as when he’s here he’s moody and I can’t relax. I know he won’t get private rent with bad credit. I just don’t know what to do. Since he’s gone away I’ve realised how much I hate him living here.
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I need to know if I’m wrong for wanting my 23 year old son to move out. He finished university last year but made hardly any effort with course. He chose to study a field that is unlikely to result in a job however I respected his choice. He decided he wants to be a rapper and spent all of his student finance (I paid his rent) on pursuing rap. He’s been away for a few days and I’m dreading his return. I feel awful for writing this but I’m so much happier when he’s not here.
He’s lazy, disrespectful, does no housework, constantly lies and I feel as if my life is on hold until he moves out. Bit of the back story, I had him at 17 and had no family for support as my father was absent and my mother was an addict. His Dad didn’t stick around or pay child support. I wanted to give him the start I didn’t have so worked hard to provide for him all while studying. Fast forward to now and while I do have a well paid job money is tight. He does occasional shifts in a bar (not every week) but constantly orders takeaways at 2am when he thinks I’m sleeping and now has a weed habit.
I’ve told him how much I struggle financially and that the bills are so much higher now he’s home all the time but he seems to think this is ok as I’m his Mom. I know I’ve messed up by providing everything he needs but I naively thought he’d see it as an opportunity to save and thrive. He’s the only family I have. I can now see I haven’t helped I’ve hindered him.
I was just cleaning the kitchen and found a letter from his bank that said his direct debits had bounced and he had used £3000 of his overdraft. He told me he’d been saving all of his money and I thought he’d have enough to move out soon, he should have at least £10,000. I don’t have money to spend on myself but thought that’s ok as he’s building his future. I want to sit him down when he’s back and say he needs to find a place to live within the next 6 months. Is this wrong of me? I have no life, I work, walk the dog and come home. I can’t date or have friends over as when he’s here he’s moody and I can’t relax. I know he won’t get private rent with bad credit. I just don’t know what to do. Since he’s gone away I’ve realised how much I hate him living here.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I think I’ll be judged for allowing my son to behave as he has and for wanting to have my own life without him living with me. I think I’ve enabled his behaviour. 2) I think I may be the asshole as many parents let their children stay for as long as they like and quote unconditional love as the reason. By wanting him to move out I may be adding conditions to out relationship
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Start charging him rent and let him buy his own food.
NTA. He’s a grown adult and he’s disrespectful. He might hate you at first for it and might even cut ties, but eventually once he matures he will realize you weren’t wrong. He will never grow up if you forever baby him. My friend is 28 years old, never had a job, parents paid for everything. Now she’s been searching for a job for years and can’t keep one bc she has no work ethic, and can’t find one. I don’t tell her this but I don’t think she will ever be able to keep a job. The foundation is just not there. Really sets your kids lives up for failure.
NTA
But I doubt 6 months will make much of a difference. He probably won’t believe you and 6 months feels like a long time that he can spend chasing his dream and making it big!
The beauty of this situation is your son has actually finished school recently and can use his degree to apply for a general graduate position, anything really, and start at the bottom of some kind of office work. He wont however until he needs to and the longer he stalls the harder it will get to find one.
You have several options:
make it really unattractive for him to live there
move yourself
try to finally put in boundaries and make him stick to them
I think the 3rd one would be very difficult at this point and he will just ignore you or wait you out.
I’m so sorry, I have young adult children too, and I worry about their lack of drive and their willingness to have me financially support them (with a place to live, food, bills, etc), and wonder if my wanting them to not struggle has made them feel entitled. So I absolutely empathize.
No, YWNBTA if you told him he needs to find his own path. I think you don’t need to mention you’ve seen his bank stuff, you can merrily go on assuming out loud that he has been saving as he promised and should soon be in a position to get his own place. Tell him that he has 6 months to move out. (That will also give him time to regroup and start saving). If he objects, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to tell him that you feel you have worked since you were 17 to provide him with opportunity that you didn’t have, and that this is your time now, for you to live your life.
I sometimes wonder if my kids realuze that im a person too and also have wants and needs and dreams. All the best, sweetheart, they’re ungrateful wee sods, aren’t they?
NTA i’m 21 and my parents just sold their house and moved across the country and said i can’t move with them but i can follow them. so i did. it’s your first time living too and he needs to learn at some point that he’s going to have responsibilities and bills to pay and his house won’t be clean unless he keeps up with it. make him do chores, make him pay rent. because the last thing that needs to happen is he gets stuck in these ways and finds a girlfriend and eventually wife that he forces to clean up after him. i used to date someone that his mom did all his laundry and everything and i broke up with him because we’re adults and i’m not cleaning up after a grown man. occasionally yes but not every mess
NTA, change the wifi password and if you pay for his phone, stop doing that. He’s acting like a spoiled teenager, so revoke privileges like he is one. When he complains, your one and only, broken-record response should be “get a job”.
NTA. He is old enough and capable enough to support himself. If he’s at home he needs to pay rent and do his share like an adult roommate.
NTA. You’ve gone above and beyond as a parent. Wanting peace in your own home isn’t wrong, it’s necessary. Setting boundaries isn’t cruel, it’s healthy. He needs a wake-up call, and you deserve your life back. Regardless though, support your son in his goals. I understand the frustration with the degree and such, but we only live once. Keep a fire under him for motivation, while also guiding him to be independent elsewhere.
You’d hate me. Almost 34 and still living with mummy
-my mum doesn’t expect rent and says her home is my home.
-I always have money and have been saving for my own house since I’ve lived here. I help around the house.
NTA it’s time for tough love. He needs to be pushed out of the nest before he wastes his whole life. You can lay down some rules – he has to do chores, lots of chores – those will lessen when he gets a job – he has to pay a small sum for rent – he has to save 50% of his income and cannot overdraft his account – if he doesn’t agree or doesn’t comply he has 6 months to get out. If he complies he can stay for 1 year, if you feel better about the situation after a while you can extend that.
Teach him to budget. Teach him to clean.
NTA. The sooner he hits rock bottom, the sooner he’ll climb back out.
He’s not going to hit rock bottom while living with you.
you are not the a-hole here. its sad how a lot of people my age are not trying hard to get ahead in life and not having the balls to grow tf up
NTA. He wants to make decisions about his own future, he can take responsibility for himself and his decisions. You need to look after yourself now, especially since he’s been lying to you about his finances and he’s draining yours. It’s hard love time where he needs to sink or swim based on his past decisions and current mindset.
I moved back in with my parents after college and paid off my debt. If he’s hurting you and not building himself. He needs a reality check. You’re not the villain in this story. It’s hard to support someone who doesn’t try. Like the airline says put yourself first before helping your child. He’s grown. If you figured it out, he can too.
NTA at this point it might be better for him because he’s clearly using you as a hammock instead of a safety net (as Dave Ramsey says).
I’d give him 30-90 days, or start putting a ton of restrictions on his finances and his activities that are costing you money.
NTA, give him a month and turn off the Wi-Fi, don’t keep food in the fridge and warn him you’ll toss anything he leave in the living room that’s his.
NTA 6 months is too long imo 60 days would be generous in my opinion. No landlord would be this lenient on a non paying tenant.
He’s an adult living in your house that you can’t enjoy because you’re there.
I was 23 living with my parents once. I had a full time job but they didn’t want rent. I made sure I helped around the house and bought groceries for the family all the time and take out on occasion.
Give him 60 days, and cut him off financially.
NTA but you need to put your foot down and tell him he needs to help around the house and find a job as you can no longer financially help him he’s a grown man you did your part in raising him now it’s time for him man up and get his life together
NTA
Give him 60 days. Buy a paper calendar and circle the date, X out the days as they pass. Be ready to hire a couple people to box up his stuff and put it on the lawn.
NTA.
Tough love time.
Time to treat him like the lazy adolescent he is. Explain that you really cannot financially or emotionally afford for things to continue. That he needs to act like the capable adult he physically is.
Provide only the bare minimum. No phone, no internet connection, cheapest bar soap, rice and beans for food, etc. Change passwords on or cancel any subscriptions (Prime, Spotify, etc). Don’t do his laundry or clean his things. If he leaves dirty dishes in the kitchen, put them in his room. If that doesn’t bother him, find a way to store all but two place settings – keep one setting in your room. There will be tantrums. There will be disgusting messes. It will suck to live this way. His tantrums will make it worse. But you have to stick it out. You have to give him a reason to want more than he can get at home.
Six months is too long and not long enough. If he was solvent, I’d say 90 days. As it is, he’ll probably need a year unless you make life at home so shitty he decides to do whatever it takes to go.
Find out your housing laws and what it will take to forcibly remove him if he thinks even the new normal is better than being self sufficient.
NTA. My counter:
My adult son (20) and I live in a one bedroom apartment. I love him and he does plenty, gets along great….
I pay most everything and meal prep is almost always on me, groceries, rent….
I want him to move out but I want him to still come and eat my food and hang and vice versa.
I want him to move out because his side of the apartment has all the light, I just want to have people over, maybe my girlfriend move in but I don’t wanna kick him out, I want him to move out.
He is complacent and not moving. I think I need to nudge harder.
I had a similar situation with my son – excessive DoorDash, too much weed, and a general asshole attitude while still holding down some employment. The magical thinking is what really stands out now to me about that period. He is smart enough but could not grasp reality. With that context, I agree with the advice around making life less comfy for him. Taking away just the extras (wifi, phone data, fast food, etc.) led to discovery of a very serious health condition that affects my son’s brain. It wasn’t clear what was going on at first. It looked like acting out and irresponsible, childish behavior. And it was that, but for a physically based reason. He will never be able to care for himself without support. We now know this and are working with health care professionals to keep him stable. He is doing better now. He’s not well. He’s also not erratic, mean, or in as much distress as before. This is going to be a long journey that he has no choice about making. A number of serious mental health issues aren’t really noticeable until people are into their twenties and they just aren’t fully capable adults.
This is just a thought. It may not be what is going on with your son at all. He may just be trying to be a bum. Either way, backing off and not making life comfortable for him will clarify the situation and let you know your next set of options. I am sorry you’re going through this.
NTA – edit
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NTA but he doesn’t get six months he gets 30 days. You’ve given him how much time and he is simply wasting his money instead of saving it? Wi-Fi password gets changed and do not give it to him. Do not do his laundry. Do not make his meals. He’s acting like a spoiled child. He’s a grown adult now. If you’re paying for his bills, stop doing that. He wants a cell phone and streaming services? He pays for them.
Kick his worthless ass to the curb. You’d be doing him and yourself a favor.
NTA. Give him the deadline you’ve planned, in writing, and stick to it. You may need to do a formal eviction, but as long as you support him and let him live with you rent free, he will continue to believe he has the ‘right’ to your support.
He’s wrong. You don’t owe him room and board for the rest of his life because he didn’t choose to be born. None of us get that choice.