I’m (25F) and I have always put a LOT of effort into my appearance. Not for anyone else, just because I like feeling good. I go to the gym, take care of my skin, do my make up, wear things that make me feel confident.
My boyfriend (28M) used to hype me up all the time when we first got together. He’d notice all those little things like my new hair color, my outfit, even my perfume. But lately….. nothing. Not a single word.
At first, I thought maybe he was just comfortable, but then last weekend, we were out with his friends, and one of them was talking about how Girls these days only dress up for attention. My bf laughed and said, Yeah my girl takes longer to get ready for IG than she does for me.
I just kind of… stared at him. Like, huh?
I didn’t say anything right away, but later, I asked him if that’s really how he felt. He brushed it off and said, it’s not a big deal, you know you’re hot. You don’t need me to tell you all the time.
I told him it’s not about needing validation, it’s about feeling appreciated. He rolled his eyes and said, ”See? This is what I mean. You’re always looking for compliments.
I don’t think wanting to feel seen in a relationship is fishing for anything. if anything, his little joke made me realize I’ve been putting in effort to someone who doesn’t even notice me anymore.
I’ve been kind of distant since then, and now he’s mad that i’m ”Acting Different”. But I don’t want to dress up for someone who makes me feel liike i’m trying too hard.
So, AITA for wanting my bf to actually see me?
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“I’m (25F) and I have always put a LOT of effort into my appearance. Not for anyone else, just because I like feeling good…
I told him it’s not about needing validation, it’s about feeling appreciated. He rolled his eyes and said, ”See? This is what I mean. You’re always looking for compliments.’”
Which is it?
Sorry, YTA. Getting attention and fishing for compliments is exactly what you are doing.
“I have always put a LOT of effort into my appearance. Not for anyone else, just because I like feeling good.”
“his little joke made me realize I’ve been putting in effort to someone who doesn’t even notice me anymore”
so which is it? is the effort for you? for him? a mix? its fine if you want to look good for your man, its fine if you don’t care what he thinks, it’s fine if it’s both. what isn’t fine is sending mixed messages.
Him and his little boyfriends have been ruined by the Andrew Tates of the internet
NTA. He’s taking you for granted, and his comments honestly make him sound like a jerk. There isn’t anything shallow or needy about wanting your partner to realize the effort you’re putting in.
Also the fact that he used to do those things means he is completely capable of doing them now, but chooses not to. He’s minimizing your feelings, and now that he is facing the consequences, still isn’t understanding that he needs to do better.
I’ve been in this kind of relationship, it sucks and you deserve a partner who makes you feel seen, heard, and quite honestly, still acts like he’s trying to court you everyday.
edit: The comments telling you that you’re “fishing for compliments” are either from other nonchalant, low effort men or women who have settled for those type of partners. Ignore them. It takes nothing to tell your girlfriend she looks beautiful and is bare minimum for how you treat someone you’re in a romantic relationship with.
Absolutely NTA. Your boyfriend is being a total jerk—first by making that snide comment in front of his friends, then by dismissing your feelings when you called him out.
It’s not about “fishing for compliments”—it’s about basic appreciation. If he can’t even notice the effort you put into yourself (something you do for YOU, not him), then what’s the point?
And now he’s mad you’re pulling back? Classic. He wants the hot girlfriend without putting in the bare minimum to make her feel valued. You deserve better than this lazy, dismissive energy.
It makes sense to want to help, but giving cash can be risky since you can’t always be sure how it will be used. You did what you could by calling around for the food, and that shows you were trying to help in a meaningful way.
I’ve been in similar situations where I’ve offered to buy food instead of giving cash, just to be sure it goes toward the actual need. It’s a tough call, but you were trying to do the right thing.
I understand your POV, but he’s supposed to notice and not even generalise in the first place. So you are not wrong for wanting him to see you, he is your bf
Sounds like neither of you are really the asshole here — just on different pages. You want to feel appreciated and noticed, which is totally fair in a relationship. He might not realize how important that is to you, especially if he thinks saying “you know you’re hot” covers it.
His comment was thoughtless, but maybe it was just a bad joke, not meant to hurt you. Still, your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to want more connection. Might just be time for an honest convo about what you both need to feel good in the relationship.
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NTA. In a nutshell, we all want to be considered and heard by our partners. Even if your BF thinks you shouldn’t have to be given compliments by him as you should “know” how he feels, it should matter to him that you feel less valued because he no longer bothers to do that. His not hearing/caring that you need some nice words from him says he’s not willing to try to please you like he used to. We all get complacent at times, but when you talk to him about this, if you matter to him, your needs will matter to him. It’s really as simple as that.
The worst part is not just that he doesn’t notice… it’s that he made you the punchline in front of his friends. That speaks volumes.
He shouldn’t have expressed these feelings to his friends and in front of a group in a demeaning way. That said, he seems to be accurately representing your need for attention. I would hope he could express this in a more mature way, even if it means ending the relationship.
NTA he’s clearly taking you for granted and you deserve to feel seen and appreciated
Conversations don’t go well when someone uses the “always” comment. Are you always looking for compliments? Is that all you ever do? Doubtful. But your guy feels that way about you? Why?
You should have a serious, but drama free, discussion about this. Be calm. Check your tone at the door. Find out why he feels that way. What are you doing that seems so needy and desperate and vain. It’s clearly bothering him.
Keep in mind this complaint is likely a surrogate / stand-in for something (or someone) else.
Sometimes, when there is something too sensitive or too hurtful, people will talk about something else. Is that the case, here? Is something bigger or more meaningful bothering him that he’s using your supposed vanity as a surrogate argument?
I’m asking because even though I don’t know you, I feel like you can’t literally be like that. So he is either overly sensitive to your preening, or he’s actually upset about something he doesn’t dare mention.
And this is totally random… but is it possible he’s cheating or about to? Some of his words and behavior is feeling like he is creating a case for why he’s justified to leave or maybe cheat. Don’t overreact, it’s just the vibe I get… but is it possible?
Whatever is going on, you need to talk to him about the real issues before this conflict over fake issues blows up.
My opinions… best of luck!!
For a Month of Sundays, when you go out with him, go without “dressing up”, fixing hair, putting on makeup. See if he notices. See if he’s with you because he thought you were “hot” or because he loves YOU.
This ONLY if he’s worth keeping.
I compliment my husband when he dresses nice or smells good, have forever.
you got your answer.. He saw the energy you put to care more about the public validation than his. hence why he said what he said . Seems you put more energy to impress social media IG of your “PERFECTION” for validation and attention than putting out that same energy to impress him with it.
Showing someone you care should be a daily thing no matter how long you’ve been together.
first of all why doe girls always lie you work out to be noticed lol it’s ok but i see this a lot lol
NTA, he just doesn’t care any more, he’s taking you for granted. Why are you with him?
NTA
>My bf laughed and said, Yeah my girl takes longer to get ready for IG than she does for me.
So, effort can change in a relationship. I get that you were hurt by the joke and the change you see on your side about his attention, but is there some truth here?
You always put effort into your appearance, but did you used to go extra for him?
Why are people acting like wanting compliments from your partner is a wild and attention seeking thing. ITS YOUR PARTNER. They should be the main hype man. Idk what type of relationship y’all have but my man always hype me up. That man calls me pretty and kiss me every day and I can be in sweats
YTA- his comment about how it takes longer for you to get ready for IG than for him says you’re obsessed with yourself and flaunting online. I call BS on this is all just for you- if it was you wouldn’t be showing off on IG.
You’re like those women that dress in almost no clothes at the gym then get mad when a guy looks. Full of shit.
INFO: Why are you with a misogynistic prick that fucking hates you?
YTA to yourself. Appreciate and respect yourself enough to expect better, dump him, and go find it.
NTA. He’s taking you for granted and making you the punchline of a joke. Do what you will with that information.
Sounds like your boyfriend feels like you don’t value his approval as much as IG’s. Do you spend more time prepping for IG than for a date?
I’m quite confused.
So do you do it for yourself or do it for him?
I’m guessing you do it for yourself but still expect him to compliment you, but that seems pretty unfair imo.
Do you put in more effort for when you’re just with him vs when you’re alone or with other people?
Because he may be feeling annoyed if you don’t, although it would be on him to communicate that with you instead of making jokes with his friend.
Do you also compliment him on his appearance or whatever else he is proud of as well?
I personally think there isn’t enough info to make a solid judgement, but atm it’s looking like an E S H or an N T A depending on your replies.
I’ve been married for 28 years. I’m 58. My husband still gushes over me like I’m a hot young thing.
Maybe you guys just aren’t right for each other. Maybe you are thirsty for compliments but if he’s ignoring you, that’s sure to make you thirsty for compliments.
There’s a lot of reasons people leave relationships. Feeling unappreciated is a valid reason to leave a relationship.
ETA: NTA
You two apparently have different love languages. My lover is the same way, no compliments etc, but he warned me of that from the start so I wasn’t surprised. He is very physically affectionate though, loves to cuddle, back rubs and etc.
It makes the times he does give me a compliment truly special, and he doesn’t make fun of me or put me down for wanting – more.
Y’all have some serious, sit down with all the clothes on talk about how your relationship works.
It does sound to me as if he thinks your care more about your looks than anything though, what with that IG remark. I have no way of judging if that’s true, but you may want to look at that inside yourself.
ESH
Is it just me that took the instagram comment as a 🚩?
Is it possible that when he says that you know you are hot, and he should not have to tell you, what he means is “I feel like if I validate you, you are going to eventually realize your worth and notice how I don’t put 20% of the efforts you do in this relationship and dump me”?
It seems like he’s jealous of your good looks and also, quite frankly, does not like you.
Those saying she’s contradicting herself need to explain why he used to compliment her then stopped. Was he just being nice to get her? And if that’s the standard he set, why can’t she be upset that he has changed or stopped?
Also, please note that complimenting someone, much less your partner, costs nothing; not even an ounce of energy.
And about the so-called contradiction; the fact that I like to keep my environment clean and have good meals, meaning I’ll cook and clean primary for myself does not mean that you can’t appreciate me if you’re in my space, enjoying the clean house and good food! So yes, you can do something for yourself and also be appreciated for it if it has a positive impact on someone else.
This is how guys start putting down women who they think are out of their league; NTA and maybe you should reconsider the whole relationship because this is a red flag indicative of possible mental abuse later on.
I hate it when people set themselves up to be a shitty partner later by being disingenuous with their compliments in the beginning (love bombing). Or! Slightly worse, withholding attention or flattery bc they’re jealous of fucking IG.
I guess sayings like “dress to impress yourself” came about for bullshit like this right here. Some things can kinda fall off after a while together, but being a caring long term partner should help pick it back up.
There are too much overreactions on this thread. They need to have a meaningful discussion. It seems like your boyfriend might actually think its about your instagram. Talk to him. Not pulling him aside.
Heart to Heart.
He does see the effort you put in he just thinks it’s for others, mainly your social media so he doesn’t think he should compliment you. He shouldn’t have made you the butt of his joke with his little boyfriends but i think you both have a misunderstanding or miscommunication about the complimenting each other. It’s something that can be fixed with simple communication.