I (18F) and “Theo” (19M) have been together for 8 months and have lived together for two. His birthday is this weekend so we planned a trip to a city two hours away from Friday to Sunday. These plans were made over a month ago, and I took the three days off of work for this trip.
The issue is that his mum, “Mia” and nan (paternal) both took Saturday off work to see him for his birthday without checking what his plans were. Additionally, last week Theo and Mia spoke on the phone and agreed to celebrate next weekend, but she was too intoxicated at the time to remember that conversation. She has since called him proposing new plans for this weekend instead, which he agreed to.
As far as I know, the plan for Saturday is for me, Theo, Mia, and Theo’s stepdad to go to the hot pools in the morning and maybe brunch after. Then supposedly Theo is going to hang out with his stepdad while I hang out with Mia. If that is the case, it means I wouldn’t even get to spend his actual birthday with just him, despite planning a special trip together.
Theo suggested we could just go away Saturday night and spend Sunday there, but that cuts our trip in half. He also admitted Mia and his nan were guilt-tripping him into seeing them on his birthday.
I am frustrated that he agreed to Mia’s plans as opposed to standing his ground on the plans already in place. It doesn’t seem fair that their taking the day off without checking with him first should take priority over the time off I’ve taken for our trip and our plans.
Furthermore, I am worried that this might set the tone for the future instances where our plans get tossed aside for something else. At the same time, I don’t want to make it all about me since it is his birthday and his family and it’s ultimately his decision.
So, AITA for being upset about this and feeling like I should still come first in the plans we made together?
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I (18F) and “Theo” (19M) have been together for 8 months and have lived together for two. His birthday is this weekend so we planned a trip to a city two hours away from Friday to Sunday. These plans were made over a month ago, and I took the three days off of work for this trip.
The issue is that his mum, “Mia” and nan (paternal) both took Saturday off work to see him for his birthday without checking what his plans were. Additionally, last week Theo and Mia spoke on the phone and agreed to celebrate next weekend, but she was too intoxicated at the time to remember that conversation. She has since called him proposing new plans for this weekend instead, which he agreed to.
As far as I know, the plan for Saturday is for me, Theo, Mia, and Theo’s stepdad to go to the hot pools in the morning and maybe brunch after. Then supposedly Theo is going to hang out with his stepdad while I hang out with Mia. If that is the case, it means I wouldn’t even get to spend his actual birthday with just him, despite planning a special trip together.
Theo suggested we could just go away Saturday night and spend Sunday there, but that cuts our trip in half. He also admitted Mia and his nan were guilt-tripping him into seeing them on his birthday.
I am frustrated that he agreed to Mia’s plans as opposed to standing his ground on the plans already in place. It doesn’t seem fair that their taking the day off without checking with him first should take priority over the time off I’ve taken for our trip and our plans.
Furthermore, I am worried that this might set the tone for the future instances where our plans get tossed aside for something else. At the same time, I don’t want to make it all about me since it is his birthday and his family and it’s ultimately his decision.
So, AITA for being upset about this and feeling like I should still come first in the plans we made together?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Would i be the asshole if i went work on his birthday instead of spending it with him since he wants to change our plans for his family’s last minute ones?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You planned this in advance, booked time off, and he already agreed with his mum to do something next weekend. The only reason he’s caving is guilt. You’re not wrong to be upset, this isn’t about his birthday, it’s about whether he values your time and plans
NTA. This is setting precedent for things to come.
You’re NTA. Theo needs to grow a… spine and just tell his family he already has plans with you and they will see him next weekend.
>the plan for Saturday is for me, Theo, Mia, and Theo’s stepdad to go to the hot pools in the morning and maybe brunch after. Then supposedly Theo is going to hang out with his stepdad while I hang out with Mia
There is nothing in that plan that cannot wait until next weekend.
NTA. It’s okay to feel annoyed, and it’s okay to talk to him about your concerns and share how you’re feeling, because even though it’s his birthday, you took off work already and this had been planned for a month. Throwing away plans like that after one phone call is not okay. Your frustration is valid. Just make sure when you bring it up, you’re not misplacing your frustration with his family onto him and emphasize it’s not the hanging out with his family that upsets you (even though I wouldn’t blame you if that contributed to your frustration, keep that bit to yourself) but rather that he changed the plans you both made together on a whim.
NTA, but please phrase it as “We made a plan, and I took off work based on that plan. So your prior commitment should take priority.”
If the “new plan” is because of something like an accident or illness, or work, that’s not always the case. But if the new plan is “fun,” earlier agreement partner should be consulted and prioritized. See, for reference, the “Something suddenly came up” episode of The Brady Bunch. His mom might be old enough to know it 😛
“At the same time, I don’t want to make it all about me since it is his birthday and his family and it’s ultimately his decision.” This right here…..follow your own advice and quit making this harder than it has to be.
I noticed the mention that his mom didn’t remember the phone call about getting together another weekend because she was intoxicated. It makes me wonder if that was just a one-off or if she is often intoxicated. Is your boyfriend (and maybe his family) accustomed to placating his mother? Idk if his mother is an alcoholic, but often there is a pattern of codependence in families where addiction is a factor. He may not be aware that he has a choice to do what HE WANTS to do on his birthday, rather than the thing that keeps a chaotic person/system placated.
NTA
Yes, this is a good indicator of what he will do in the future.
Tell him that you believe he should not have agreed to last minute plans with his family when you and he had already made plans AND that he should tell his family that it was his mistake, but he needs to go back to the original plans to see them the following weekend. You are happy to discuss it with him if he’s trying to understand your perspective, but you aren’t going to argue with him. If he chooses to cancel the plans he had made with you, then you will use the three days you took of so that the two of you go out of town to possibly still go out of town, but with a friend. This isn’t to give him an ultimatum, but to value your plans and your time.
Your bf is avoiding conflict/people-pleasing for his family ON YOUR BACK. You need to nip that in the bud. TODAY. You became a couple fairly young, and family can be a big influence; but you cannot let this become something bf thinks he can do so easily.
He can choose to let his family disrupt his plans, or he can choose to start keeping his commitments to you and teaching his family that he won’t turn cancel his commitments to enable their last minute whims. That will tell you what kind of partner he will be.
YTA. You moved in after 2 months of dating and you’re surprised he’s not taking you seriously? You are making it about you when it’s his birthday. He made his decision and I’m sure he sees more value in his family than a young, new relationship.
NTA, not sure if you see this relationship going long term but if you do. This exact scenario will play out time after time, event after event. His mom raised a son not a husband.
This is going to set the precedent for how the rest of your life together will go.
NTA Talk to him, tell him calmly that youre disappointed your plans have been pushed aside. If he isnt willing to work with you on this, and yeah stand up to his family, well, then you’ll have to decide if thats something youre OK with.
He’s showing you who he is, pay attention. He prioritized his mom and Nan and not you even though you had plans first. You just set the precedent that he can allow his mom dictate what you and he do.
You are definitely NTA. But…y’all are too young to be living together! Bf is very immature, he grew up with a mother who gets blotto drunk/stoned (?!), and you are…EIGHTEEN! Just be careful, honey.
No, you’re not. I would be hurt and upset. You are wise to see that future plans you & Theo make could be upstaged by his mother, again. Your relationship is still new, and you’re getting to know how his family “operates.” You both need to agree that when you make plans, they are between you both and not to be changed. You planned ahead and took time off. That’s a big deal. If Theo allows his mother to cut into your planned activities with him, you’ll have to rethink your relationship with a guy who let’s his mother run his life.