Hi everyone,
Since my fiancé and I(f23) had our baby, I feel like my feelings and boundaries around his family aren’t being respected. When I bring it up, he says things like, “They’re my family, so why does it matter?” and I end up feeling completely dismissed.
His grandma constantly calls our baby “my baby.” I can understand why she might say that, but at 16 I was told there was a very low chance I’d be able to get pregnant or carry to term. This child is truly my little miracle, and when she calls the baby “my baby,” it feels like it diminishes everything I went through infertility fears, nine months of being sick, hospital stays, IV meds, dehydration, low potassium all of it.
On top of that, his dad has a history of trash-talking me and even tried to get my fiancé to leave me (including two days after I gave birth). I’m uncomfortable around him and felt like a bare minimum would be an apology before we see him and my fiancé had agreed with me but now my fiancé won’t stand his ground on that either.
Now his grandma has invited his aunt, her husband, and kids to meet the baby this Saturday without even asking us first. When I told my fiancé I’d appreciate him speaking to her because inviting people behind our back isn’t okay, he gave me the silent treatment.
I’m exhausted and hurt. I feel like none of my boundaries matter to him or his family, but I also don’t want to be “the bad guy”. So AITA here?
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Hi everyone,
Since my fiancé and I(f23) had our baby, I feel like my feelings and boundaries around his family aren’t being respected. When I bring it up, he says things like, “They’re my family, so why does it matter?” and I end up feeling completely dismissed.
His grandma constantly calls our baby “my baby.” I can understand why she might say that, but at 16 I was told there was a very low chance I’d be able to get pregnant or carry to term. This child is truly my little miracle, and when she calls the baby “my baby,” it feels like it diminishes everything I went through infertility fears, nine months of being sick, hospital stays, IV meds, dehydration, low potassium all of it.
On top of that, his dad has a history of trash-talking me and even tried to get my fiancé to leave me (including two days after I gave birth). I’m uncomfortable around him and felt like a bare minimum would be an apology before we see him and my fiancé had agreed with me but now my fiancé won’t stand his ground on that either.
Now his grandma has invited his aunt, her husband, and kids to meet the baby this Saturday without even asking us first. When I told my fiancé I’d appreciate him speaking to her because inviting people behind our back isn’t okay, he gave me the silent treatment.
I’m exhausted and hurt. I feel like none of my boundaries matter to him or his family, but I also don’t want to be “the bad guy”. So AITA here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Asking for my fiancé to a stand up to his grandma and family about boundaries
Constantly asking him to talk to his family because he seems to think that’s a problem and I should just be okay with it
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re NTA but your fiancé (and his family is). Do you have family (or friends) nearby? If so, go see them on Saturday before his family comes and don’t come home until they’re gone. But honestly? You’re asking for the BARE minimum and he can’t even respond like an adult. I wouldn’t marry this man.
YTA – Getting jealous of a kid’s grandma calling her grandkid her “baby” is wild. Sounds like you are already doing everything possible to prevent your child from having a relationship with their father’s side of the family. And apparently you don’t discuss things with your husband, you dictate and expect him to do what he’s told. Just a mess all around.
Why do you want to marry someone who doesn’t have your back? It doesn’t seem like he respects your opinion at all. It’s time to rethink the engagement.
Like many online people these days, you seem to be confusing boundaries and feelings. You haven’t actually established a single boundary based on this (a boundary is a declaration of what you’ll accept and a consequence for violation, not just sharing a feeling), and that’s okay for now, but fundamentally you and your fiance are on different pages of what’s acceptable. You aren’t TA for not liking how how his family behaves with you. Your fiance sucks for not advocating for you with his family and I’m sorry. You deserve better than that from your partner.
You might want to figure out what battles you want to choose here because if future hubby defaults to the silent treatment, you’re in for a helluva ride, my sweet. I personally wouldn’t die on the hill of “don’t call your grandchild your baby” when the bigger issue is probably “don’t bring people around to my home without my consent,” you know? You just went through an intense physical and psychological trial and now you’re going through more. You’re going to have to ruthlessly prioritize what your values are, and then consistently back them up.
NTA for asking your partner to be your partner.
NTA. He needs to stop acting like a son first and a partner second. That ship sailed the moment you two became parents
absolutely NTA. Your boundaries should be respected whether its about you or your baby. Your fiancé is either too weak to speak up or is just an ass. The only thing you’re doing “wrong” is not wanting to be the bad guy. You deserve to speak up for yourself, and those who leave because you have boundaries are not worth being in your life. I hope you are doing a bit better after the birth, and that your fiancé grows a spine.
YTA. A boundary is restriction we put on ourselves not others. It can’t be a boundary for you what his grandma says, the boundary can be “if she says it, I’m leaving” or “if she says it, I will each and every time explain to her how this affects me.”
A boundary isn’t “you will not come over unless you give notice”, a boundary is “I will not open the door if you come over without notice.”
Him giving you the silent treatment is him setting a boundary. He won’t speak to his family about this.
So the question because: what is your boundary knowing this?
> I also don’t want to be “the bad guy”.
Its not about good or bad guy. Its about you setting in place what you need to thrive. If others think your the “bad” guy for protecting your peace, be the bad guy. Its not worth scarificing your peace for others and thats why we put up boundaries.
> I’m uncomfortable around him and felt like a bare minimum would be an apology before we see him
Then you shall not see him. You have to hold firm with that. No apology, you won’t allow yourself to suffer his sight.
YTA
Your nta but your partner is. Why are you with your partner if he ignores your requests and doesn’t step up when his father insults you? What are you getting out of this relationship that makes it worth it?
My MIL is horrible sometimes. My husband doesn’t tolerate any of her shenanigans and is very clear: respect my wife and therefore my family, or we go no to low contact. And that is 100% how it should be and you shouldn’t settle for less.
Tell your partner that if his family comes over unannounced, he needs to correct them. Tell grandmother honestly how you feel about the “my baby” part. If she continues just say: aww grandma, I think you might be getting a bit forgetfull, that is your baby (point to her child), this is my baby. Remember, we talked about this.
Speak up for yourself, even to your inlaws. What’s the worst that can happen? They don’t like you? His father and therefore his family have made it clear they already don’t care. Your partner will leave? Again: is it worth it to stay if you are not supported?
NTA at all. I would think long and hard before you marry him. You two really need to talk and work things out before you take the next step. If he can’t do these very basic things for you now, it won’t get better down the road. Unless he wants to make a change and be a man to you and your child.
NTA. If he won’t enforce boundaries you may have to. For that matter you have every right to set actual rules about what people are and are not allowed to do with and around your child, including about how they speak about /refer to the baby. If your fiance is prioritizing his family and their wants over your comfort with matters regarding your baby you may need to give raising a child with this man a rethink.
you’ll be an AH to yourself if you don’t stand your ground.
get yourself out of there with your baby, don’t come back until your fiance tells everyone about your boundaries and enforce it.
if you don’t act now, this is gonna be your life for the rest of your life.
Sounds like postpartum hormones are raging.
I’m sitting here with my 2-week old baby. I’d be fucking fuming if people invited themselves over. NTA.
NTA. If I were you, i wouldn’t be home for the occasion. Let him play host to his family, and when he hates being imposed on, maybe he will get it.
Otherwise, I hate to tell you that you are looking forward to another 50 years of this if he doesn’t change. Choose wisely.
NTA. It’s very clear you have not had a real life example of a respectful and loving relationship to guide you. None of the way you’ve been treated by your partner is normal in a healthy partnership. I hope your situation improves.
NTA. It seems like the only way that your fiance will listen to you is if you conveniently forget that his family is coming and Saturday; and you and the baby go visit your own family on that day. Tell your husband that you’ll return when the two of you come to an agreement on boundaries.
NTA. BUT the family is not the problem. The fiancé is. This isn’t going to change. You shouldn’t have to ask him to put your interests before theirs. That’s part of being married or having a family of your own. This isn’t going to work out. Sorry.
NTA. Your situation sounds awful. He needs to do much better for you.
NTA.. this is your Fiancé’s problem and it is not an uncommon one in relationships especially at younger ages when people haven’t separated from their nuclear family enough yet. This is 100% a battle you need to fight and establish boundaries though.
Lets be clear. You and your child are HIS family now. As a man, he needs to put his child and the mother of his child first in almost every possible occasion. That isn’t to mean he should abandon his family, but it means he needs to make clear to all in his family that you are his family now and that you and child are his priority. They need to respect that. If they want to see the baby or spend time with the baby, the need to ask in advance and plan a time. It is absolutely disrespectful of his family to just plan stuff like this and show up. Its disrespectful of his father to try to get him to leave you then expect you to accept him in to your shared home without any attempt at an apology.
The issue is your partner’s failure to establish boundaries with his family seemingly because he is too afraid to stand up for him and you to them. ITs not always easy to discuss but it will be better for all involved if he does. Make it 100% clear to him that if he can’t get on board with this that you need to reconsider marriage because its will not be right for him to marry you only to constantly put his family before you and his child. He needs to grow up, have a set, and be a man.
I sense a bit of oversensitivity on your part. IMO, you should be choosing the hills you die on and not all of these should qualify. That’s just my opinion, but I suspect it is playing a role in how much your partner is willing to support you in your goals here.
An old lady calling a baby that is not technically hers ‘hers’ may be very bothersome to you, but I think you’re loading weight on it because of your fertility struggles, when no harm is intended. Choosing to be offended over something that you could instead see in a positive light is uncool.
I do think you should have a boundary on the dad that you do not see him due to his harmful behavior towards you. It’s sad, to me, that your partner isn’t more willing to go to bat for you on that because he shouldn’t be ok with someone trying to undermine his relationship EITHER, and out of respect for you should be insisting his dad correct his behavior. But you can only worry about yourself and I don’t think demanding an apology makes a ton of sense. You should just choose not to be around him, end of story.
Generally when a couple has a challenge with extended family, it should be the member of the couple who is actually related to the family speaking up. Clearly their behavior doesn’t bother your partner like it bothers you. Ideally he’d be a united front with you and at least be willing to let grandma know you (both) need to be included in planning activities like this, but you also have a voice and should voice those things yourself if he is unwilling to. You should also – again – choose your battle and choose to be flexible and accommodating some of the time.
I’m going ESH though I’m close to N T A. Try to focus on taking control over yourself and not depending on your partner to uphold your boundaries, but I don’t blame you if this lack of support changes your view of him and your relationship over time. If this persists and doesn’t get better in time, consider therapy together because you need to feel supported but he needs to feel like he has a voice and gets a say in how situations with his family are handled too.
INFO why is his dad trying to break the two of you up? That’s quite concerning behavior and I’d like to understand if he’s just being an asshole or if there’s a reasoning behind it.
Leave. Him / Them now.
If your able to drive or even able to call an Uber I would go somewhere on Sat. Your bfs family doesn’t get to have any type of say so on who can visit the baby only you and your fiancée.
Now the grandmother calling the baby her baby is a minor thing. Sorry but I call all my nieces and nephews my baby but for me it’s a from the south thing. (I call strangers my baby too)
Now his father can stay where he is he isn’t gonna apologize so don’t even hold your breath on that one. You man needs to grow a spine and tell his dad that your his woman and him trying to drive a wedge between yall or even leave is just gonna make him not have him around. You also need to tell him Sir with all due respect but who are you talking to. You can leave and let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.
NTA
Grandma’s comments sound like affection for baby rather than disrespect but inviting herself over is definitely rude and inconsiderate. Dad sounds awful and your fiancé needs to have your back.
NTA. DO NOT marry that man until he proves he can set boundaries with his family. ABSOLUTELY do not let them walk all over you with a brand new baby!
why were you 19 two months ago?
ESH.
Your fiance is apparently spineless when it comes to his family. So he’s AH for that. And given that, it is entirely possible that he was asked (told) about his aunt, uncle, and cousins visiting, and then passed off his agreement with those plans as grandma “forcing” it. Which is why he doesn’t want to “speak to her” about it.
If his aunt’s family is not local, then if they are visiting the area, it is certainly reasonable for grandma to suggest it would be a good time to meet the baby. Grandma saying “my baby” is nothing and you’re making too much of that. Yes his dad should apologize for trash-talking you, but that can happen before you see HIM next.
As far as you “not wanting to be the bad guy” I think you need to not “punish” his family over disagreements with your fiance. They have a reasonable interest in seeing their new relative, and it should be OK for your fiance to allow and encourage that interaction.
So if there’s an actual scheduling conflict, or you believe their request is unreasonable (such as aunt/uncle staying at your house), then you put your foot down. Even though you are the one who suffered greatly to bring this child into the world, the baby has two parents who are equal under the law.
If your relationship goes south, you’re most likely going to end up with 50/50 custody. And then his family can see the baby as much as they want, during his parenting time. So keep that in mind.
NTA.
Your partner need to actually be a partner and support you and enforce the boundaries you want.
If he won’t why stay?
NTA. Every time you find out they are coming, grab the baby and go to a friends/parents or even just a park. A handful of times showing up with the baby gone might reduce the surprises. And sorry you married a boy that doesnt put you first.
NTA, but you definitely have a fiancé problem. I wouldn’t marry him if he dismisses your concerns like this. Plus, you’d have to put up with this for possibly the rest of your lives.
Nta. Treat them as they treat you. Ask them what’s the problem when they react. Be strong. Don’t be a doormat. Your husband sucks BTW.
I completely agree that he need to talk with you and standup to them. With that being said with gma I really think she doesn’t mean anything by saying this. It could be just a general saying.
With the invites now that is an issue as with sickness and the baby being so young ( not sure how old). Either this I would send out a family message and set some general guidelines especially if the baby is just born.
I everyone I know everyone is excited to meet the baby and we want to we want to make that happen. We would like anybody that wants to visit to contact us directly so we can set up a day/time. I’m sure you all will understand as we are getting settled in to new parenthood and a schedule with the baby.
Please do not visit if you or anyone around you is not feeling good as the baby has not had all its shots as of yet.
Can’t wait to see everyone
This helps with communication.
With his dad I would have a conversation with him and you fiance and ask why he is saying XYZ and clear the air. It might not help but at least it’s worth a try but your fiance needs to go into this with having your back more than ever
NTA but this will never change. Would be insane to marry him. As long as you are married to him, he will overlook your opinions, comfort, wellbeing, and needs in order to keep his family happy. He is choosing not to prioritize or protect the family he created.
From this point forward anything you need, needs to be set up by you. Make sure you have money he can’t access if you need to get out because it does not sound like you have much control. He won’t change and respect you overnight so the choices are to fight him every step of the way and be miserable in your home, submit to his and his family’s will, or get the hell out and live a life where you and your needs matter.
NTA.