Hi guys,
I need some insight on my girlfriend of 6 years and a loan that hasn’t been paid back.
Context: We have a good relationship but recently have been facing one or two issues, we’ve also kind of realised our financial values are slightly different, where she is a lot more generous with her money with gifts, money is shared around her family a lot more than mine, however overall she finds it hard to save. I am opposite and I am more on the frugal side, similar to my family and have been able to save a decent enough amount of money to try and buy my first house.
Income wise we are also on somewhat different figures, I earn roughly 2-2.5x she does.
As for the issue with the loan, I have loaned her approx 10k a little over a year ago to help her buy a car in which she really wanted. She had also somewhat fallen on hard times and couldn’t have afforded the car without my loan.
Fast forward to present, she’s been in a good job for the last 8 months, however to me it seems like she doesn’t have much intention of paying the loan back. When I initially loaned the money to her I was very clear it was a loan and I would want the amount paid back at a later date, in which she enthusiastically agreed. 3 years dating and planning a future together I had the upmost trust in her. After bringing the subject up recently she has been saying she has been “blindsided”. She thinks since we are planning a future together and our money will be pooled eventually, she shouldn’t have to pay it back. This has really led me to question the different financial values we have. I’m trying to figure out if it I’m an asshole by still asking her to pay back the original amount in which I loaned her a year ago?
Extra info: car is in my name, which is my security. I told her once she has paid me back the car will be transferred into her name.
Any input is appreciated.
TL;DR Girlfriend hasn’t paid back 10k loan after over a little over a year and showing no intention to. AITA?
Comments
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Hi guys,
I need some insight on my girlfriend of 6 years and a loan that hasn’t been paid back.
Context: We have a good relationship but recently have been facing one or two issues, we’ve also kind of realised our financial values are slightly different, where she is a lot more generous with her money with gifts, money is shared around her family a lot more than mine, however overall she finds it hard to save. I am opposite and I am more on the frugal side, similar to my family and have been able to save a decent enough amount of money to try and buy my first house.
Income wise we are also on somewhat different figures, I earn roughly 2-2.5x she does.
As for the issue with the loan, I have loaned her approx 10k a little over a year ago to help her buy a car in which she really wanted. She had also somewhat fallen on hard times and couldn’t have afforded the car without my loan.
Fast forward to present, she’s been in a good job for the last 8 months, however to me it seems like she doesn’t have much intention of paying the loan back. When I initially loaned the money to her I was very clear it was a loan and I would want the amount paid back at a later date, in which she enthusiastically agreed. 3 years dating and planning a future together I had the upmost trust in her. After bringing the subject up recently she has been saying she has been “blindsided”. She thinks since we are planning a future together and our money will be pooled eventually, she shouldn’t have to pay it back. This has really led me to question the different financial values we have. I’m trying to figure out if it I’m an asshole by still asking her to pay back the original amount in which I loaned her a year ago?
Extra info: car is in my name, which is my security. I told her once she has paid me back the car will be transferred into her name.
Any input is appreciated.
TL;DR Girlfriend hasn’t paid back 10k loan after over a little over a year and showing no intention to. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am asking my long term girlfriend to pay back a loan in which we both agreed she would 100% pay back at some point. I’m now bringing it up and being told I’m the asshole. AITA?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
This is why you don’t loan to friends or family unless you’re willing to lose the money. You’ve got a decision to make. It’s been 6 years… you gunna marry her or no? I ask because what you decide is going to potentially break the relationship. Ask for the money back, she dumps you and without a contract she’s probably not going to pay you back anyway. You wanna marry her… then perhaps this isn’t the hill you want to die on.
NTA since you were clear that it would be a loan.
But it’s your girlfriend of 6 years, not your roommate or college buddy.
NTA
> she is a lot more generous with
hermy money with giftsFixed that for you.
She is NEVER going to pay back that money, especially if you break up. You agreed to a loan, but she secretly viewed it as a gift to her.
And her bs excuse makes no sense. If she thought you would combine finances in the future, then her paying you back means it becomes her money in the future.
Good luck with this girl, buddy. I hope she’s really hot and good in bed because she’s definitely gonna burn through your money….
Are you gonna marry her or not? If so, let it go.
I wouldn’t want to make a call on who is TA here without knowing a lot more. But, the two of you need to sort out your financial POVs before you make a future together. Financial issues are one of the leading causes of strife and divorce.
NTA. while i understand your in a long term relationship and had an expectation/agreement. I do hope in writing
I always fall back to the same phrase. Never lend money to friends/family that you want to see again.
Because the likelihood of you getting the money back is slim. Unless the relationship ends (which could happen if you press the issue. Which it’s serious and I would) and you sue her. But without written text/agreement its your word against hers.
She could say its a gift and it was in your name and shes not required to pay ect.
Wait a minute, the car is in your name? So you bought yourself a car that you allow her to use? So what’s the problem? If you want the money back, you can sell the car. If you guys are actually doing really well and are actually moving towards marriage, then she definitely has a point that your finances are going to become joint marital assets. I don’t know. It’s up to you. If I made almost 3 times as much as my partner, and I knew we were gonna get married, I don’t think that I would allow that to become a point of contention in the relationship. On the other hand, you told her your expectations, she agreed, and now she is reneging on the deal. I am typically a person of principal and I would say that in this case, it is the principle of the situation that matters. However, I also wouldn’t allow something as cheap as money to ruin a happy healthy relationship. And that is coming from someone who grew up very poor and very frugal.
NTA! You can let go of loans when she becomes your wife. At this point she is still not your family even if it has been 6 years. you were both clear on the loan. I am glad you were smart enough to keep the car in your name. The top 2 things married couples fight about is money and kids. Having similar financial approach is crucial. You will be making the money and she will be the one acting generous with your money. I’d cut my losses unless she is willing to change her attitude or you are willing to have your income wasted by her.
If your serious about your relationship then it should be called ‘our money’.
YTA why strain your relationship if the car is in your name? If it wasn’t paid in full and she has been making payments with her own money, then the car will very likely sell for the loan amount or greater. You acted like a bank and hold the lien to the car – all you have to do is ‘repo’ it at anytime.
NTA. You told her when you gave her the money that it was a loan, and she agreed to those terms. And even if you’ve been talking generally about the future, you’re not even engaged yet. So her counting your money like it is already a foregone conclusion is kind a giving entitled TBH. Does she fr think that she shouldn’t have to pay it back or did she just get embarrassed and start lashing out? Whatever the answer to that question is is going to decide the rest of your future, so good luck.
I tend to like my women a bit spoiled, but honestly, that is probably why my financial management is like your girlfriend’s. I think I’d be upset, but ultimately eat the cost. But it’s up to you how you feel about that, and whether you could deal with that until you die, if you marry her.
NTA you clearly stated it’s going to be a loan and she has made assumptions otherwise.
If you are building a future together and are going to “pool money” together anyway, then she shouldn’t have any problem paying it back because it’s all going into the same joint “pool”.
But it seems like she only wants to pool money together if it’s going to benefit her. Sounds like a user.
You’re not married. She needs to pay up.
NTA- that being said you would be far from the first man to fall into a financial trap that he laid himself. Sometimes women who behave like this are good for men like us, teaching us the value of generosity and connection with others… But that Kumbaya shit doesn’t always fly in the real world. I think you made the right decision keeping the car in your name.
At the end of the day, do you plan to marry her? And if so can you live with a partner who is irresponsible, and expects to get a $10k pass after terms and conditions were plainly agreed on? Whether she pays you back or not, you can no longer trust any agreement she makes with you
NTA,
But you should NEVER loan money to a girlfriend.
Or family…and expect it to not turn into a gift.
YTA. She’s right. If you’re planning a future together, then get used to sharing shit.
ESH. I mean yeah she should pay u back if u made it clear it was a loan and she agreed, but assuming you are a man you should want to provide for your partner and shouldnt even want her to pay you back. You should be embarrassed to ever even take money from her especially since you make so much more than her. If shes the giving type i can only assume that she would wish her partner would be the same with her. Are you religious? Its literally biblical for a man to provide.
NTA. She accepted it under those terms. She should at least be making an effort to repay you.
ESH This falls in line with the saying never loan money to friends and family because they’ll treat it like a gift
NTA, she agreed to repay the 10k car loan.
The smart thing to do would have been to set up a payment plan as soon as you gave her the loan, even if it was only a couple hundred a month. It’s been a year of you saying nothing, you’re now six years in, and you’ve obviously been talking about marriage, so yes she feels blindsided. A wife driving a car that her husband paid for, and that is in his name, is not unusual. You need to make a decision about this relationship.
Edit for temporal accuracy.
If you intend to marry and pool resources, let it go. But prepare to hammer out family finances in a way neither of you will be fully happy with because you are in 2 different zones of thinking about money.
If you see yourself as an independent unit who intends to stay financially separate from her you have 2 choices:
Tell her the loan is overdue and you want it repaid now.
Sell the car, which is in your name, to recoup what you can.
She clearly is thinking “marry and pool” is a done deal because you’ve been together 6 years and are living as partners, so why would she pays back into the pool you share. It’s a valid question for you to answer because it opens a can or worms about how you view the nature of your relationship and where you see it going.
NTA for wanting your money back but good luck with the discussion you need to have here. The car is the least of your worries!
Saying it’s a loan but not settling on a reasonable payment plan IS turning this into a gift. It’s also turning into a question of whether y’all are compatible.
By now, she should be making agreed-on monthly payments (even small ones). THEN it’s a loan. Glad the car is still in your name!
Dude, she expects that because you have higher earning income potential, you’ll be providing for her. She’s looking at this through the lens of a committed long term relationship.
The problem here is, i don’t think yiu two actually had a conversation about how you want to share finances in the future, because shes just gone ahead and made assumptions for both of you
It’s not a loan, since the car is in your name. You didn’t lend her money. She didn’t borrow money from you. You bought a car. She doesn’t owe you anything.
Time to bust the ring out lol
Comes down to a simple truth… getting your money back or the girlfriend. The choice is yours.
YTA and here’s why:
Your name is on the car, which means if you guys break up now, you get the car regardless of what she’s paid toward it. She has no recourse.
She’s paying the car loan, right? That means that you can expect to get paid after the loan itself ends. So how could you call in the loan while she’s still paying for the car?
Finally, I don’t understand why it’s not joint ownership instead of just your name. That seems predatory if the car was more than $20,000 because you helped her with less than half, but have sole ownership.
YTA—not for wanting to have a loan repaid but for asking when you know the car is in her name and that you two will be married in the future. Holding money over her like this is really icky. Once you get married it doesn’t matter. And right now it actually doesn’t matter because the asset is yours. This reads like some weird power dynamic that would be really offputting to me if I were your fiancée. Is she always going to have to pay you back for things?
OP, I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here. Use this as an opportunity to discuss financial strategies and plans moving forward.