My husband 33M and I 32F have been married for 3 years. We have 1 child (2M) together and have a pretty good relationship for the most part.
My issue is that, from the time he gets home from work around 6pm until midnight, he sits outside at our patio area by the garage. This is his way of decompression after the work day, which I totally understand, but I am getting frustrated with him spending 6+ hours outside by himself when he could be spending quality time with us. I do go spend some time (30min-1hr typically, depending on what I have going on) with him out there, but I don’t feel that it’s reasonable to keep my son and I outside for hours on end just to be able to spend time with him because I work full time as well have household responsibilities to take care of. I can ask him to come in to discuss something or eat dinner, but it’s always briefly in to take care of what he needs to then right back out. AITA to be upset about him not spending any quality time with us or if I should let him do him since outside is his happy place?
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My husband 33M and I 32F have been married for 3 years. We have 1 child (2M) together and have a pretty good relationship for the most part.
My issue is that, from the time he gets home from work around 6pm until midnight, he sits outside at our patio area by the garage. This is his way of decompression after the work day, which I totally understand, but I am getting frustrated with him spending 6+ hours outside by himself when he could be spending quality time with us. I do go spend some time (30min-1hr typically, depending on what I have going on) with him out there, but I don’t feel that it’s reasonable to keep my son and I outside for hours on end just to be able to spend time with him because I work full time as well have household responsibilities to take care of. I can ask him to come in to discuss something or eat dinner, but it’s always briefly in to take care of what he needs to then right back out. AITA to be upset about him not spending any quality time with us or if I should let him do him since outside is his happy place?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I will be asking him to give you something he enjoys.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: What does your husband do around the house? How involved is he with your son?
Right now it sounds like you have a good relationship because you do all the work and he gets to do whatever he wants, which is really not good at all. But I’d like to know what he provides other than a paycheck (which is something you also bring to the table).
NTA. You and your son shouldn’t have to beg your husband to spend time with you. He sounds checked out if he won’t come inside to help raise his son & be a partner. You deserve better.
OP—you are totally right to be upset over this .
Tine to make a chart .
Because right now it sounds like all this guy does is add some money to the bank acct
There have been many women on here who realized they were better off when they cut this sort of guy out .
INFO: Is he doing this every day?
When does he spend time with you or your son?
When does he do chores/household tasks?
Has he explained why he does this?
Decompression is good, but you don’t need 6 hours of it.
It honestly sounds like he simply doesn’t want to be inside the house, and so he’s avoiding it by saying he needs to decompress.
The true reason for him not wanting to be in the house is where you’ll have to have a deeper conversation with him.
NTA
He hates you and the family.
It may not be intentional, he may be depressed, recent medical diagnosis or midlife/life crisis?
This isn’t decompression. This is avoidance. NTA.
He should want to spend at least some of that time with you.
Is this an everyday thing after work? Cause if so…he needs a new job. It shouldn’t take you 6 hours every fucking day to decompress from work. I get work can be stressful but damn. That or he doesnt want to spend time with anyone…it’s just odd behavior.
NTA.
How many beers is he decompressing with?
FFS a man can’t have a break at all, right? YTA.
> have a pretty good relationship for the most part
do you, though? He’s avoiding you and your son for, what sounds like, majority of his time he spends at home. Maybe you get along fine, but I don’t know that I would say that’s a healthy thing to have happening. It’s reasonable to want to have quality time with your husband and son for a duration when he is home from work. NTA.
INFO: Does he have access to a Comfy Spot indoors?
NTA and this is not a healthy or happy relationship. He’s intentionally avoiding spending time with you and your child, and leaving all of the work to you.
If he’s having mental health issues he needs to seek treatment.
What does he do when he’s sitting out there? Is he out there smoking and playing games on his phone? If you and your son left for an evening to go do something, would he still be sitting out there? Or would he wait till you leave and then come inside?
Wtf does this guy do that he needs 6 hours outside to decompress from work?
I suggest you get rid of the outside chairs for a while. Get a friend to store them in their garage. (I had originally thought of sabotaging them somehow, with glue, paint or jam, but just getting rid of them is less destructive.)
Remind your husband that you also need to decompress, so he needs to step up. Because right now he’s turning his back on his responsibilities and ruining his relationship with you and your son.
This isn’t decompression, it’s avoidance. He’s not helping with household work or childrearing if he’s spending all his time on the porch. He is not being a partner to you or a parent to your child. A man who spends 6 hours on the porch every day is a man who doesn’t want to be in the home. NTA, but this is a symptom of a much more serious problem that should be discussed in family therapy.
Was he like this before you had a child? My guess is he doesn’t want to deal with the energy level inside the house that comes with having a 2YO.
NTA This feels like avoidance, honestly. Is he depressed? I’d sit down and talk to him about how it’s making you feel and how this is an important time in your son’s development for him to be bonding with him, and he isn’t. Tell him if he needs an HOUR after work to decompress, you get it. But he’s avoiding his family and making you feel incredibly rejected. Try to get to the bottom of what’s going on with him: his mental space, stress at work, is he overwhelmed? Therapy is never ever a bad idea.
INFO
Is he smoking or something?
He just sits there, or has a laptop? Is he watching porn? Or online flirting, on dating sites?
Otherwise it sounds very boring.
If he’s just sitting, for 6 hours, he might be depressed
What do you mean you excitingly this you have a good relationship? When would this be if you both work full-time and then he sits outside?
Is it in the weekends?
Being able to decompress is generally normal, but 6 hours is a ridiculous amount of time needed to do so. Have you asked your husband why he needs 6 hours to decompress? What work is he doing throughout the day, as that might give an idea of whether he’s struggling with something that’s leaving him stressed so long that he isn’t spending time with his family.
Has he always done this, since you’ve lived together or since you became parents? Does he stay on the porch all weekend long too? Does he have a super stressful job? Does he not like being a parent? Does he do any chores around the house?
Usually, when someone come home and does not want to spend time with their family. They are either depressed, avoiding the hustle and bustle of family life or hates their partner.
You need to sit and have a deep conversation with him to see what’s going on. Fix it before your marriage becomes unfixable.
NTA but you don’t have a good relationship. You have a man who avoids his responsibilities and you pick up the slack.
Nta.
My father sat on his computer from the moment he got home until the minute he went to bed, so if I wanted his attention I had to sit on the floor while he used the computer, going back and forth from listening to me.
Its been almost 20 years and I still think about it every day.
Give him an hour to decompress then go out there with your kid and spend some time with him. Both you and your kid will do well with some outside time.
NTA. Decompressing is an hour at most. 6 hours and still not decompressed means he either needs a new job or mental health treatment
Is your house cluttered, or does it smell? I don’t mean this rudely, but maybe he doesn’t like his surroundings.
Hate to break it to ya, doesn’t sound like decompressing, sounds like avoidance. What in hell does he do for work that he needs to sit outside “decompressing” every day for 6 HOURS!!! He doesn’t go back inside till midnight, by which point he just goes to bed to go back to work the next day. Does he ever put the baby to bed? Change a diaper? Help with the dishes, laundry, any other chores? He just lets you do everything while also having a job yourself? What about your decompression time? Nah OP, you’re NTA, but he definitely fucking is.
He is not decompressing. His behavior isn’t “odd” or “weird”. He doesn’t want to spend any time with you or the kid.
Stop making him dinner, stop doing his laundry, stop giving him sex and start putting cash away for the day you leave.
You are just a servant to him and he doesn’t like you.
Not a good sign when a man will come home but won’t go in the house. You need to understand that reason.
He sounds depressed. Try to talk to him about it.
NTA this doesn’t sound healthy his time is important but he should not be putting his family to the side like this