I’m 16 and was born deaf with auditory neuropathy. In my early childhood i used ASL as my main language, but as i got older i became more verbal and hearing based as starting hearing (auditory neuropathy is weird, i don’t know how either). Since then i have forgotten most of my ASL and am learning it again currently. I’m at an almost functional level and when signing with my mom I’ve noticed it’s a lot easier than trying to hear and fill in words i didn’t get. I probably miss 40% of words but fill in a lot because of lip reading and context. The main issue with listening is it takes so much energy for me so i constantly feel burnt out. But since my only family members who know ASL are my mom and aunt i have to verbally communicate with everyone else. If i asked my family to put some effort in would i be an asshole?
Edit 1 –
I asked my mom and she said it would be a great idea to teach my family some basic conversation signs and some topic signs. I’m also considering asking them if they would like to learn the alphabet.
(If y’all wanna ask about my type of deafness or anything feel free as well!)
Edit 2 –
I’m trying to respond to as many comments as possible, i wasn’t expecting this to blow up lol
Comments
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I’m 16 and was born deaf with auditory neuropathy. In my early childhood i used ASL as my main language, but as i got older i became more verbal and hearing based as starting hearing (auditory neuropathy is weird, i don’t know how either). Since then i have forgotten most of my ASL and am learning it again currently. I’m at an almost functional level and when signing with my mom I’ve noticed it’s a lot easier than trying to hear and fill in words i didn’t get. I probably miss 40% of words but fill in a lot because of lip reading and context. The main issue with listening is it takes so much energy for me so i constantly feel burnt out. But since my only family members who know ASL are my mom and aunt i have to verbally communicate with everyone else. If i asked my family to put some effort in would i be an asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to ask my family to learn ASL so i can have an easier time communicating. I don’t want to be seen as selfish for it or annoying for not wanting to keep things how they’ve been.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
NTA if you ask, but you might be one if you push to hard and get agressive about it. Might also be a good idea to look for communities outside of your family to practice with instead of pushing your family relationships. But it’s perfectly reasonable to make the request that your family members attempt to learn a better way to communicate with you.
NTA. I’d approach the topic gently and tell them how you would appreciate it as you are struggling. Some might not give you the reaction that you want, but there’s no harm in asking.
NTA.
Most parents of a deaf child happily learn ASL to teach/communicate with their hearing-impaired child.
I understand your hearing abilities have changed over time and you’re better able to fill in blanks with lip-reading, but it is odd that your immediate family (parents & siblings) don’t know and don’t want to learn ASL.
If I had a child born deaf, I (and their other parent) would start learning ASL yesterday.
NAH, they probably just don’t know you’re struggling and that’s why they haven’t put in the effort to learn ASL. You WNBTA if you explain to them how draining it is to you and ask them to help by learning the language.
I don’t know how that works for ASL, but in the Netherlands, we have the official dutch sign language (NGT), and we have ‘dutch supported with signs’ (NmG). The signs are mostly the same, but the grammar is completely different, as the dutch sign language has its own grammar rules, and NmG will usually only sign the most important words. It still relies on spoken word as well, so it is a lot easier to learn.
I can imagine that just learning a basic set of signs would already help you a lot?
NTA, explain exactly as you did here, and that it would be great if they could, show them some quick/easy ways to learn (is there a class, a book, etc)
(Don’t word it as ‘it would be great if you could put in some effort’. That makes it sound like they don’t…wheras they might feel like nothing is wrong, because it feels like you’re communicating with no problem. Or maybe the DO put in effort by enunciating words, speaking slowly, etc.)
Nta
NTA. But in the same, although not identical way, at some point it becomes really difficult to learn a new language. So the only way you’d become TA would be if you got pissy because say your grandmother just couldn’t get it or relatives you don’t communicate with often.
You are NTA at all for wanting to communicate in your native language/the first language you ever learned. I am not sure how involved you are in the Deaf community, or if you have access to one locally, but from my brief interactions with the vibrant community as an EC SPED teacher this is not an uncommon issue for Deaf children in hearing families.
Requesting your family learn to communicate with you in your natural language to the best of their abilities does not make you an AH. All you are asking for is access and respect and inclusion and understanding within your own family. They likely don’t know that what you hear is still quite limited and exhausting to access. Being open and honest about how hard it is and why this means so much to you, without any accusations, could be very effective. Be prepared with resources or even info about a local sign language class. Maybe find ways to make it fun or a family activity.
ASL should be a mandatory class for American children k-8. I cannot imagine having a deaf relative and not learning. NTA.
NTA, at all, but be prepared for some hurt feelings. Despite it being your hearing affected and them loving you, they likely view your deafness on how it affects them, not how it affects you. For example, they may question why they have to do all that hardwork when you can communicate without ASL. Obviously, this point of view minimizes your struggles and the burnout that comes with all the hardwork that you do/did.
I bring this up only so you can prepare yourself. Let them know that you’re learning it again too and would enjoy the help and support, but it would help you feel more connected to your family. You have to deal with the whole world being difficult to access, you should be able to relax and communicate easily and freely with family.
Not only that, and I’m sure you know this, but the Deaf culture and community are very much a thing and having ASL will make that all the more accessible to you. Really, ASL is a wonderful thing to know all around, whether you’re HOH or not.
NTA
I’m an audiologist and have worked with many patients who have ANSD! I hope your family will be willing to learn ASL, if they are wary of it maybe try and ease them into it? You could also try showing them videos of people using ASL (like from Instagram or ticktok) to help normalize the idea for them?
Do you know anyone else around you who is Deaf?
I’m glad you took the mature step of addressing this with your mother and that she is supporting you!
I live in DC next to Gallaudet, and am always amazed at what a tight, supportive community they have created. Have you considered that as an option? Not just as a full time undergrad, but they also have a lot of summer and certificate programs, as well.
Best of luck to you!
NTA. Tell them since you’re getting older and conversation topicy are becoming more complex for you, you’re really struggling to keep up. And be understanding that they’ll have to learn a new language as well so settle with only the easy thing being signed at first, like “What we have for dinner?”. This way you can save your energy to focus on the more complex conversations.
NTA is have learnt day one.