My stepdad and my mother have been together since I (F 29)was 15. They married when I was 20. Things were good at first. I was happy that my mom found a really good & loving man.
He treats me & her very well. Over the past 2 years or so my mother has been changing. She’s become cold & cruel. She talks to me about her “issues” they have & 9x out of 10, she’s wrong.
She complains about everything.
How she has to take care of his elderly mother & how “stressful” it is. But all she does is bring her meals. My stepdad does everything else. She gets mad when his 90 year old mother with dementia can get “slick”. I keep telling her not to spend so much time in her mother in laws room if it’s really bothering her. She ignores that advice & continues to complain.
She complains about not having date nights, but when my stepdad & I suggest something, she’s not interested. She says she wants to be surprised, but when he does it, she’s still unhappy. Randomly she’ll decide not to speak to him for a day.
She works in an office, with not much to do. He can’t be on his phone at work. She’ll blow his phone up with texts talking about how stressed she is & if she or his mother dies it’s on him & everything is his fault. She keeps mentioning getting divorced. & I’m glad he shows me the messages because she always paints herself as a victim. Then she’ll switch it up & be nice for about a day or two, then she’s back to being Mrs. Hyde. It’s confusing.
She’s incredibly condescending and passive aggressive. None of us want to be around her anymore. My stepdad says he’s over it & can’t handle being berated every single day, especially when he’s at work.
It’s her way or the highway. I’m sick of it. I’m glad he’s seriously considering a divorce & I hope he follows through. This is abuse. He’s been through a lot & deserves much better. & when it does happen, she can’t come to me crying. She did this to herself.
AITA?
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My stepdad and my mother have been together since I was 15. They married when I was 20. I am now 29. Things were good at first. I was happy that my mom found a really good & loving man.
He treats me & her very well. Over the past 2 years or so my mother has been changing. She’s become cold & cruel. She talks to me about her “issues” they have & 9x out of 10, she’s wrong.
She complains about everything.
How she has to take care of his elderly mother & how “stressful” it is. But all she does is bring her meals. My stepdad does everything else. She gets mad when his 90 year old mother with dementia can get “slick”. I keep telling her not to spend so much time in her mother in laws room if it’s really bothering her. She ignores that advice & continues to complain.
She complains about not having date nights, but when my stepdad & I suggest something, she’s not interested. She says she wants to be surprised, but when he does it, she’s still unhappy. Randomly she’ll decide not to speak to him for a day.
She works in an office, with not much to do. He can’t be on his phone at work. She’ll blow his phone up with texts talking about how stressed she is & if she or his mother dies it’s on him & everything is his fault. She keeps mentioning getting divorced. & I’m glad he shows me the messages because she always paints herself as a victim. Then she’ll switch it up & be nice for about a day or two, then she’s back to being Mrs. Hyde. It’s confusing.
She’s incredibly condescending and passive aggressive. None of us want to be around her anymore. My stepdad says he’s over it & can’t handle being berated every single day, especially when he’s at work.
It’s her way or the highway. I’m sick of it. I’m glad he’s seriously considering a divorce & I hope he follows through. This is abuse. He’s been through a lot & deserves much better. & when it does happen, she can’t come to me crying. She did this to herself.
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> I may be the asshole because I’m choosing to side with my stepfather over my mother.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
N T A for wanting your stepdad to get out of what sounds like a miserable situation. However I am coming down on YTA for inserting yourself into your Mom’s marriage. If you stepfather chooses to stay in the relationship that is on him. Their relationship isn’t really your business. All you cn do is control your contact with your Mom. You are 29 not 9, If your Mom is being unpleasant to you, step back from your Mom. Don’t visit, don’t engage. If you want to maintain contact with your stepdad meet up with him outside the home, or talk to him on the phone but don’t talk to her.
NTA but your stepdad is an adult and he will need to act how he feels is best for him. You, on the other hand, should probably look into worrying about yourself a bit more. It sounds like you’re just as much a victim to your mom’s mood as he is.
(I would suggest a check-up for your mom to make sure her changing mod is not health related but sometimes that’s really tough to do if the other person can’t see there’s a problem.)
Info: is she going through menopause? That can really mess with all of your emotions and sanity
ESH Yeah, your mom isn’t behaving very well, but as you said, she wasn’t always like this. So what’s changed in the last 2 years? Is it stress and burnout from taking care of her MIL and other stuff, or is something else going on? You seem to think that this is all your mom’s fault, but is it? These things are rarely as black-and-white as you seem to think this is. Could something medically or mentally be going on with her?
You say all your mom does is bring her MIL her meals, so who is doing the rest? Do they have a caregiver? If not, who will take care of your step-grandma if they get divorced?
Have either you or your stepdad tried talking to your mom in a calm and supportive manner to see if there is something else going on with her? Have they considered couple’s counseling?
NTA. Has she been evaluated for early onset dementia? The anger might be something.
As someone going through perimenopause, that was my first thought. I know you said she’s always been a bit mean to you, but when the hormones are taking a nose dive, all those unpleasant personality traits are now on steroids. And some women handle it much worse than others. So she may not be wrong when she blames it on that, but she needs to talk to her doctor about hormone therapy before she blows up all her relationships.
Sounds like she is sick to death of the situation and l think you are grossly underestimating how stressful it is for both of them. And refusing a ‘date night ‘ that you are also attending seems…. reasonable to me .
Marriage counselling or family therapy might be a good idea.