I (M35) have been married 7 years (together 11) with my wife (F35). We have two kids (M4, F2). My wife’s sister Iana (32) has a daughter, Ciana (2), with her ex Iago. We are Ciana’s godparents.
When Ciana was born, Iana asked my wife (then a stay-at-home mom) to watch her once a week for 3 months. It quickly expanded to 3 days weekly, with late pickups. During that time, Iana vented about Iago-financial issues, constant job changes (he even worked briefly for me), disappearing for hours, and later I learned he used drugs. Eventually they divorced, and Iago left. Iana and Ciana moved in with my in-laws, who live next door to us.
Since then, my wife and I constantly end up caring for Ciana, often daily, while when we ask for help with our own kids, my in-laws or Iana refuse or complicate things. Examples:
- They drop Ciana at our place even when they’re home.
- They joke that I’m Ciana’s “real father.”
- Iana tells Ciana to ask us for baths or to go home with us.
- They push us to put our kids in Ciana’s school so I handle all school runs.
- Iana leaves Ciana with our housekeeper without asking.
- When we need help, they complain or demand we return early.
Other issues sting:
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When we lived in a small apartment behind my in-laws’ house to save money, we had to fix all problems ourselves. Once Iana hinted she might move there, my father-in-law renovated it fully, making it nicer than when my family lived there.
-
We’re finally planning our dream Japan trip. My in-laws agreed to watch our kids, but my wife is anxious since they usually just leave them on TV. She suggested activities to help, but Iana dismissed her with “you’re going because you want to” and keeps making negative comments.
-
Recently, we borrowed my in-laws’ car and planned to pick up our kids first, then Ciana. Iana complained about the timing and my father-in-law sided with her. I got so frustrated I returned the car and decided not to handle Ciana’s school runs anymore.
Now my wife and I argue. I want her to stop solving all her sister’s problems. For example, Iana missed a school paperwork deadline and instead of letting her handle it, my wife went to the school herself and is even going back with Iana to fix it. I feel Iana is 32 and refuses to take responsibility, leaning on my wife for everything.
What frustrates me most is that when my wife had issues with my mom, I set firm limits as she asked. Now that I ask her to set boundaries with her family, she struggles. She has tried, but they push until she gives in. With our trip coming, I feel trapped-we need their help, but it feels one-sided.
I feel we’ve always helped Iana, yet she doesn’t recognize it and behaves like it’s our obligation. Meanwhile, when we need help, there’s little reciprocity.
Am I the asshole for wanting my wife to stop constantly helping her sister and to set firmer boundaries with her family?
Comments
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I (M35) have been married 7 years (together 11) with my wife (F35). We have two kids (M4, F2). My wife’s sister Iana (32) has a daughter, Ciana (2), with her ex Iago. We are Ciana’s godparents.
When Ciana was born, Iana asked my wife (then a stay-at-home mom) to watch her once a week for 3 months. It quickly expanded to 3 days weekly, with late pickups. During that time, Iana vented about Iago-financial issues, constant job changes (he even worked briefly for me), disappearing for hours, and later I learned he used drugs. Eventually they divorced, and Iago left. Iana and Ciana moved in with my in-laws, who live next door to us.
Since then, my wife and I constantly end up caring for Ciana, often daily, while when we ask for help with our own kids, my in-laws or Iana refuse or complicate things. Examples:
Other issues sting:
When we lived in a small apartment behind my in-laws’ house to save money, we had to fix all problems ourselves. Once Iana hinted she might move there, my father-in-law renovated it fully, making it nicer than when my family lived there.
We’re finally planning our dream Japan trip. My in-laws agreed to watch our kids, but my wife is anxious since they usually just leave them on TV. She suggested activities to help, but Iana dismissed her with “you’re going because you want to” and keeps making negative comments.
Recently, we borrowed my in-laws’ car and planned to pick up our kids first, then Ciana. Iana complained about the timing and my father-in-law sided with her. I got so frustrated I returned the car and decided not to handle Ciana’s school runs anymore.
Now my wife and I argue. I want her to stop solving all her sister’s problems. For example, Iana missed a school paperwork deadline and instead of letting her handle it, my wife went to the school herself and is even going back with Iana to fix it. I feel Iana is 32 and refuses to take responsibility, leaning on my wife for everything.
What frustrates me most is that when my wife had issues with my mom, I set firm limits as she asked. Now that I ask her to set boundaries with her family, she struggles. She has tried, but they push until she gives in. With our trip coming, I feel trapped-we need their help, but it feels one-sided.
I feel we’ve always helped Iana, yet she doesn’t recognize it and behaves like it’s our obligation. Meanwhile, when we need help, there’s little reciprocity.
Am I the asshole for wanting my wife to stop constantly helping her sister and to set firmer boundaries with her family?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I asked my wife to stop helping her sister constantly and she initially agreed to it but on the next day went back to helping her and when I talked with her about it we started arguing.
2. my wife argues that I should be more comprehensive and be more patient with her and her sister but I saw many time what this unstoppable helping brought us
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. I suggest you move and get a different babysitter for Japan
NTA You need to have the same conversation with your wife again and make it clear you are no longer part of the equation. You will take responsibility for your children only. Tell your wife you are instructing the housekeeper not to watch your niece. If she wants to run around solving her sister’s problems she’ll do it without your support.
NTA! Your SIL kid is not your responsibility. Your wife needs to start setting boundaries with her family. Just because they live close to you does not mean they get to take advantage of you. Instead of relying on her parents why not let your parents take care of the kids for the Japan trip? I’d also suggest moving away sooner rather than later or this will just keep getting worse if your wife can’t grow a backbone and support you in this.
NTA, but expecting anything to change after all of these unsuccessful attempts is unrealistic and will only lead to more fighting. Go to Japan, and if you can move a few miles away from your in-laws and the expectations when you get back, the boundaries will be much easier to maintain.
INFO What boundary did you set with your family?
NTA. If your wife’s not willing to establish boundaries, tell her that you will do so. She’s so used to being treated like a doormat that, it seems, she’s forgetting that her actions also have impacts on you and one your children.
BTW: hire babysitters for yourselves. Neither your sister-in-law nor the parents should be allowed to babysit for you, nor to be in any situation where they are alone with and supervising your children. They have all demonstrated, by their treatment of your niece, that they are irresponsible when it comes to caring for children.
oh man. this is above reddits paygrade. you clearly resent SIL and FIL. (i probably would too) but you need to make some adjustments
your expectations. they’ve shown you what they are going to do and how they are going to react. your wife is not the favorite/more supported.
its unclear from your post how often the kids are at each household. and it sounds like there is mutual support. complaining about your nieces presence might make it worse
Don’t spend $$ on Japan. Take that money and MOVE
Moving would help
Info: Does Ciana see you as her dad? Do you enjoy her company? Would this sat up be happy if your inlaws would recriprocate more?
NTA. Move!! Stop being so close
You have a wife problem. Was this the life you imagined? If not I would sit your wife down without the kids or other people present and make it clear that you are done. Ether your family moves away (the further the better) or your marriage is on the line. Her priority needs to be you and your two kids.
You have a big wife problem and you are NTA.
NAH. Let’s speak openly and honestly: Iana probably makes decisions everyone thinks are bad. Its not that people are refusing to have her take responsibility, its they they the results of Iana In Charge and they are unwilling to go down that path and I think more centrally, your wife is unwilling to allow Ciana to suffer Iana’s poor decision making on her watch…and she’s willing to watch.
All your issues are with Iana, not your wife. You’ve done a good job of setting boundaries with Iana. Your wife actually has too it seems but mostly cause, again, Iana has no problem letting other people be the mature ones.
The limits you set on your family were to stop your family from interfering, you want to stop your wife interfering with her family. Just different and I can’t see how this harms you other than your correct feelings that Iana is avoiding consequences. She is, but maybe thats for the best? Seems best for Ciana.