My wife (41F) and I (43M) have been married for 12 years. We pool most of our money but keep a little separate “fun money” for ourselves. I earn about 80% of our household income, her income is sporadic.
Her parents are elderly and can’t work any more. She has three siblings; two brothers, who don’t talk to them or help in any way because their mother has fallen out with them. And her sister, who helps a little, but not nearly as much as us. Neither of her parents planned for retirement. Her dad even sold his private pension at some point, so now they have nothing.
To keep them from being homeless (and because I didn’t want to be stuck paying rent for them indefinitely), I used all of my savings to buy an apartment which they live in rent-free (until it’s no longer needed). On top of that, for the past six years we’ve been sending them a monthly payment out of our shared funds, which is their entire income.
When times were more fruitful, and we had more money, it didn’t feel as hard to manage. But now things are tighter financially, I’m sending them more money each month than I actually keep for myself. I’m feeling resentful. It doesn’t seem fair that I’m sacrificing while I am being required to support her parents.
I think the monthly payment should come out of her side of things, and that I should at least get the same amount for myself.
AITA for wanting her to cover her parents out of her share instead of ours?
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My wife (41F) and I (43M) have been married for 12 years. We pool most of our money but keep a little separate “fun money” for ourselves. I earn about 80% of our household income, her income is sporadic.
Her parents are elderly and can’t work any more. She has three siblings; two brothers, who don’t talk to them or help in any way because their mother has fallen out with them. And her sister, who helps a little, but not nearly as much as us. Neither of her parents planned for retirement. Her dad even sold his private pension at some point, so now they have nothing.
To keep them from being homeless (and because I didn’t want to be stuck paying rent for them indefinitely), I used all of my savings to buy an apartment which they live in rent-free (until it’s no longer needed). On top of that, for the past six years we’ve been sending them a monthly payment out of our shared funds, which is their entire income.
When times were more fruitful, and we had more money, it didn’t feel as hard to manage. But now things are tighter financially, I’m sending them more money each month than I actually keep for myself. I’m feeling resentful. It doesn’t seem fair that I’m sacrificing while I am being required to support her parents.
I think the monthly payment should come out of her side of things, and that I should at least get the same amount for myself.
AITA for wanting her to cover her parents out of her share instead of ours?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I stopped wanting to pay to support my wife’s parents
2) I might keep paying them – I guess.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, you’ve already done way more than most would by buying them a place and covering bills this long. It’s not wrong to want her to take responsibility out of her own share instead of draining the money you both rely on. Boundaries don’t mean you don’t care, it just means you’re not their retirement plan.
Have you talked to your wife about your frustrations? This post has no interpersonal conflict in it.
NTA. You have done enough. If your wife wants to support them even more, she should get steady income to be able to afford this. But mostly, her parents should have made proper arrangements themselves. We all do.
NAH. Whether or not your wife contributes more, the support for her parents would still by coming out of YOUR family’s communal property and/or income. To me, it seems like you and she would just be pushing around the deck chairs on the Titanic.
Talk to your spouse about your family’s finances and ask her to meet with a financial planner. Decide the limits on what your family can contribute to her parents’ upkeep. And then, have an adult conversation with her siblings about what they’re willing to contribute to their parents’ maintenance.
If your wife insists on sending more money than you are able to her parents, she may need to return to working full time in order to do so.
NTA
Time to separate your finances
NTA. The parents are the biggest AHs though for not putting any plans in place. You bought them a whole apartment. You’ve done enough imo. They need to figure something else out that isn’t relying on you. Have they looked into any elder services?
NTA. Y’all are being taken advantage of. This is ridiculous.
INFO: what country do you live in? Most have some kind of support network for destitute elderly.
NTA. You already bought them a rent-free apartment and have been footing most of the bills for years. That’s incredibly generous, and way more than most in-laws could expect. It’s not unreasonable to say, “I’ve carried this for six years, now it needs to come from your side.” Especially since you’re the one earning the majority of the income and you’re literally sending them more money than you keep for yourself.
She’s their daughter, her siblings have bailed, and it’s not your job alone to make sure her parents are financially supported forever.
Ouch, NTA.
At least you own the apartment you purchased for them. I wonder if the estranged kids are going to show up after they are gone and ask for their share of the apartment as their inheritance?
Can you wife earn more money and chooses not to? This all sounds pretty crazy. (I realize that this is not the US, where they would at least have social security. Maybe.)
Time to redo the budget
NTA, but your wife needs to get a full time JOB immediately
NTA… at all
NTA, but you married her and all that goes with her. You have to solve this *with her*. Sit down and talk through ways to change what’s being paid. Tell her your goals (ie, I want to have at least $ for me), and ask about things that can be done to get y’all there. Possibilities:
– Any govt assistance for her parents? (Can wife help them apply?)
– Wife increases her income and makes it more stable
– Review expenses and see what can be cut
Make sure you’re saving for retirement yourself…
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NAH. I really think that the best solution here would be to, unfortunately, send the parents less money. You guys just can’t afford it right now. When you’re married you’re a team.
NTA – and their other kids need to step up.
You can’t do what you can’t do . Things are tight and they have other kids . You have to your household first and always .my mom is the one that taught me that lol . NTA tell grandma open up an Etsy shop to supplement them .
Separate your monies completely. Ask your wife to manage with what money she has left over ONLY when she had contributed to your household. If she does not have a stable job and she wants to provide for her parents, then she needs to get a job that allows HER to care for them and still contribute to your household.
NTA You have been very generous with her parents. I do hope you have sought out any financial assistance available to them from the government/similar. Where I live, if parents become indigent, their children can be forced to pay (within their means) with a court order. Check with your local social workers to see if all the siblings could be forced to pitch in.
NTA – instead of saying you need to pay for this sit down and have a discussion with her. Tell her the problem and work with her towards a resolution. Telling her how to fix this will cause an argument and you will end up looking like the bad guy.
NTA, I think it’s time she worked full time so she has money to give them…
Wife needs a full time job and she can send that income to her parents.
How much do you keep for fun money
NTA but wife will need to work more (while parents accept less) and how does that affect home life? E.g op may need to pick up more of the chores—is that ok?
YTA to yourself (and any kids you have) It’s time for your wife to get a full time job to support her parents. You need to stop being used by her and her parents. As long as you enable her she will continue to do it. Just stop!
If your wife’s income is sporadic, does that mean that she works sporadically? If so, she needs to get a part-time job to supplement her parent’s income. You’re doing far more than your share for your in-laws. I hope their apartment becomes a good investment for you. NTA.
NTA. You already bought them home to live in rent free. How can you be expected to do more than that?
I do not know what country you are in, but where I am, we have Social Security, Social Security, disability, food, stamps and assistance with utility payments. Let them brainstorm a little bit. They have to be able to help themselves at least sometimes. You should not be footing the entire bill for their existence. They can also go to their local food co-op where they could use the food stamps. There are programs they can get on for prescription meds, etc.
Also, perhaps they should be in assisted living accommodations. They let husbands and wives. Be there together in some places.
NTA you’ve already been really generous. Hopefully the apartment investment pays off over time.
Your wife’s income is sporadic. She wants to give a lot of money to her parents. You two are financially more strapped than before.
Clearly the answer is she needs to increase her income, either through a second job, or a new job altogether.
How old are these parents? Do you track what they are spending money on? Why did the other siblings have a falling out with the mom? What did her parents blow the money on that caused them to have no retirement? Can they not work physically, or are they just lazy and didn’t plan? Have you figured out if this problem will make it so you are unable to comfortably retire? Have the parents tried to apply for state benefits like food stamps? Have you also factored in how much you are losing by not renting out that apartment?
Waaaay too much missing info to help you out other than the usual advice reddit posters need.
Grow a spine, communicate better, stop getting clearly taken advantage of.
YTA. A sound marriage doesn’t keep track. Wow you’ve been supporting them and now you don’t want to. You do you but I wonder will you get tired of supporting your wife and kids.
What should really be happening here is all of your spouse’s family (and their SOs) should meet to discuss what needs their parents have. Each of their kids should be absolutely clear about what help, if any, that they are comfortable providing. Whether that happens or not you and your spouse need to sit down together and seriously discuss what if anything you are able and willing to do for them. I would say that providing a home for them is more than enough. If your spouse wants to give them money she can do that out of her own wages or work something out with her sibs. If she can’t afford that or if her sibs don’t want to help their parents then there are community resources that her parents can apply for. If they have sold their pension because they wanted to be a burden on their kids I guess they should have taken more care to keep good relationships with the kids. They’ve created their own problems, now they need to be part of fixing them.
NTA, but you’re not going to get anywhere on just that.
Need some more info here—how old are these folks, and why can’t they work (or do they just not want to)? Why is your wife not working more? You did the heavy lifting of getting them a place to live. She and the siblings, and/or the parents themselves, need to figure out a day to day source of income that is not you. I’d give them a timeframe, say 90 days, and let them know that after that time period, your contribution is done. If they are actually faced with not having hot water or whatever, they might magically be able to work here and there.
I have no sympathy for anyone who SOLD their pension (??!!) and then just expects everyone to prop their ass up in the face of bad decisions. You and your wife also need to be saving for retirement now, so you don’t end up like them. She absolutely needs to work more.
NTA, I don’t think you or your wife should be responsible for sending them money at all, and I think it’s wrong for your wife to think you (together or you specifically given the division of income) should be doing this. It was hugely problem-solving and generous for you to buy a home for them. That’s your gift to them, and it’s a massive benefit as they have housing stability and physical safety as a result. I think that’s where your support of them should end.
It’s not your fault – nor your wife’s – that they didn’t plan for retirement, and that they don’t have relationships with their other kids. But neither of you should be filling the gaps created by those situations. ALL of the responsibility for those things is falling on your wife – and by proxy on you – and that’s simply not fair nor tennable.
Your solution here is reasonable, if your wife WANTS to send her money to them, then so be it. But I think she’s become the ‘boiling frog’ somewhat, where small support became big support and it was done on a routine and recurring basis to the point it’s the new normal and the expectation. I hope she can take a step back and realize she isn’t responsible for funding all aspects of her parents’ lives’ needs.