Me (17M) and my parents (both 40s) are in family therapy. It was suggested by someone else in the family and my parents agreed surprisingly. But I knew it was a waste of time before we started and three sessions in and they proved it.
I have inattentive ADHD and dyspraxia. My ADHD is severe on the scale and my concentration is awful and things that require it are near impossible for me. I had to write all this out before posting and it took a while because I kept losing focus. My dyspraxia isn’t as bad but it annoys my parents and my sisters (19f and 16f). And my dyspraxia required a lot of therapy to help me do better. I even did some therapy for ADHD but my parents are anti-meds so I’m always unmedicated and that means I have a harder time applying therapy suggestions.
My family always hated how quick I’d lose focus. They used to lose me all the time when we went anywhere because I would lose focus. Then if I fell and hurt myself it was like a double shitshow and my parents would get so annoyed if they had to clean me up. I could never eat in a fancy restaurant because I wouldn’t finish my food due to loss of focus and my parents would get so mad about the money they wasted. And they’d yell at me for embarrassing them whenever I checked out of conversations. My sisters were embarrassed to be near me. They were more bothered by how clumsy I was and more than once they said I should be locked away to save everyone the shame of being related to me.
My parents would get mad at my teachers for suggesting I needed more help and they’d get mad at me for bad grades. They pushed teachers to tell them exactly how distracted and mind wandery I’d get in class. They even reported one of my teachers for trying to tone down everything because the teacher saw how annoyed they were at me and wanted to protect me and my parents were pissed at being lied to.
They were reported to CPS twice and CPS never did anything, not even for them refusing to medicate because that’s their right as my parents. We got suggested some resources but they were like fuck them.
My parents slowly gave me less freedom and less to do and then got mad at me for being around more and them having to do so much for me. We’re now at the point where they yell at me every day and when I tried to get a job they made the boss fire me and they dragged me home with them saying I would not get fired for real and embarrass the family that way. Because knowing me I’d ruin everything there and get us sued.
Other family keep away and they won’t do shit. But they did suggest therapy so my parents signed us up and we started three weeks ago. Then first week she asked questions and my parents held back a lot and ignored questions about why I’m not medicated. The second week they were still holding back. Then last week they stopped holding back and told they went on and on about the burden I am and how they resent me for being like I am because they will never be free of the burden of me, they can never let me move out or do anything because I’m so bad at focusing and how I get clumsy too and I’d probably die less than 24 hours after moving out and they don’t want to be doing any of this or dealing with me.
They kept talking even when the therapist interjected and ignored her questions. She pushed for them to answer but they talked over her. Then before the session was over she told them they need to engage with her and not at her. But I was so done because if they can be that blunt to her about me then why even bother being here because clearly they don’t want to change how they see me or want a better relationship. They even said they just want me to be less of a burden until they die.
I said I was done with therapy (not in front of the therapist because I didn’t get the time to speak) and my parents told me I have no right and how fucking dare I say that with all I put them through.
AITA?
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This is awfully well put together for someone with “mind wandery” issues
If your parents are calling A CHILD THAT THEY CHOSE TO HAVE IN WHICH THEY KNEW WOULD BE A BURDEN, they are the issue. “My kids being a kid and now i’m mad about it”
I’m sorry you are dealing with awful parents.
Stay in therapy. The family therapy is primarily for your parents to get the therapy, not you. Because they are the ones who need family therapy.
Family therapy is intended to dismantle lies and roles parents choose for each family member, and to help them face the truth. It takes time. Sit there and tolerate it. The therapist is fully onto them. Therapy has potential to help you by helping them.
There will be appointments where it never gets to your turn to speak because the therapist, just like your school, has already assessed you are not the problem.
There will be appointments where the therapist lets them vent their frustrations and listens to their failed chosen methods of coping, because she needs to get the full picture of how dysfunctionally they have been mishandling their roles as parents because she will be challenging them to see their mistakes.
Their way isn’t working. She sees that and will be working to help them see that as well. Therapists don’t aggressively confront or force. They are not police. They need to gain trust and help your parents make the realizations with her help.
The therapist can handle your parents. Don’t worry about that. She has handled their type before and she knows what she’s doing. Just keep going.
NTA for real, that whole vibe sounds messed up n heavy, like they showed their cards loud n clear n you’re just tryna protect your peace, therapy ain’t magic if the people in it don’t even wanna try honestly you’re just done tryna fix what they don’t see as broken, can’t even blame you for that
NTA, but I would recommend to stay in therapy. Sounds like the therapist will not tolerate your parents’ bs and set them straight.
On another note, at 17, could you ask a Dr to get medicated without your parents’ consent? Complaining about the consequences of your ADHD but not doing anything to help alleviate the symptoms is utterly insane and so very unfair. Medication might not work, but at least you should be able to try out. Having worked in a school, learning is soo incredibly hard when you can’t focus. Refusing to try medication for adhd when recommended by drs is borderline abuse imo.
I am sorry you have been treated so horribly by your family.
Hang on in there.
I’m so sorry OP. The good news is you’re almost 18. Is there any way you can get yourself into individual therapy?
Even if you’re not seeing a psychiatrist at first, hopefully the person you go to can provide enough support that you can navigate the healthcare system as an adult. Find someone who can prescribe you drugs and hide them from your parents. With the boost from finally being medicated, get yourself a job and have your paycheck deposited in a bank your parents don’t use. Once you have an income and some money saved, take all your important documents and GTFO from your parents’ house. Never come back. If you have any friends or family you can stay with sooner, do it.
It’s gonna be hard but you can claw yourself out of this hole your parents want to trap you in. NTA at all
If you ever want to live a real life, you are going to need to escape from your parents. They will not let you go willingly. I recommend you start quietly getting ready to disappear— find your birth certificate and keep it in a safe deposit box, open a bank account at a different bank from them, save any $ you can. Talk with a counselor at your school about applying for financial aid for whatever you want to do next (community college or trade school would be my top recommendations at this point). Finish high school. And see if you can find either distant family or family of a friend to live with as soon as you turn 18 and can escape.
Your parents are awful and they clearly intend to keep you locked down and then complain about it. But you will have the power to leave and then get meds if you want them, and live the life you want. Good luck!
NTA if you don’t want to go anymore, but I’d probably try a little longer.
The therapist seems to be on your side and maybe your parents got everything out that they had stored up inside up over time. Hopefully the real therapy work can begin now.
It must be awful to hear your parents say such things. I can understand that you want out – however, you could also see this as an opportunity to maybe actually get some help. Your parents seem to have taken the therapist by surprise since they tried to take back the lead but wasn’t successful because your parents kept talking. Maybe the therapist is now rethinking the strategy. I’d give it one more shot, hoping the therapist makes sure you can get a say next time. You’re 17, I hope you can move out at 18!
NTA, they are at least neglectful. But I suggest to stay in therapy, if the therapist is good they will call your parents out, parents will get flustered and pull you out of therapy. There, work done for you with less blame.
NTA your parents are terrible. Keep your head down until you can get away. Far far away.
NTA
You’re almost 18 and you can free yourself of this.
I’m heavily ADHD as well. Mother wasn’t anti-meds but she was definitely too neglectful to actually keep up with a prescription. I self medicated with caffeine for over 20 years. It’ll work if you absolutely have to. Caffeine (virtually all psycho stimulants) will calm you down and alleviate some of the ADHD symptoms. Not all – but some. A tradeoff is a caffeine dependency and potential anxiety issues.
I’m in my 30s now and properly medicated. My ADHD has helped me to think outside the box for decades. I’ve utilized it the best I could throughout my career and it’s my secret weapon. I just had to learn the strengths of my neuro-spicy brain and work with the advantages.
Don’t give up. You’re worth more than what they make you feel. Once you’re able to get out there and stretch those wings, you’re going to surprise yourself with what you’re capable of. Clumsy and forgetful or not. 🙂
My suggestion is to get independent counselling to deal with the family therapy (This is a lot more commonly needed than you might think) stay in the family therapy because it’s productive and beneficial, and like others have said you’re not the one who needs to be therapied , you’re not the problem, but your participation is essential more or less to it happening at all
Man going to therapy with toxic people seems to do the opposite of help and I say this with my own experience of going to couples therapy with my now Ex. Did nothing but give him all the tools to manipulate and get under my skin more, because he had the help of a therapist to pull at my seams just enough for him to do real damage.
My suggestion, go by yourself. Heal yourself.
Its not your job to heal your parents, and its really not your job to make sure the relationship you have with your parents survives. That’s theirs, so take a step back and watch them figure out how they want to go about it. Heal yourself.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You deserve better. NTA
First, I suggest you give the family therapy exactly 1 more week. This is the week where you find out if the therapist is any good at all. They are going to have to walk in with a game plan. See how that week goes and then make the call. If they’re ineffective this next time, they likely won’t do you any good long term.
Second, I have ADHD and some dyspraxia (mostly my handwriting) and I wasn’t diagnosed until my 30s. Medication can make a world of difference, as can all those occupational therapists and stuff your parents apparently don’t believe in. Once you can get away from your parents, and get access to some of those, I promise things can change for the better. I’m on non stimulant meds because that’s what I had access to and they have made a world of difference.
So you are not going to be stuck with your parents forever. You are not and will not be a burden once you are able to get the care you need that they are keeping you from. I got through grad school before my diagnosis (just barely) and lots of very successful people have ADHD. It’s gonna be okay. It may just take a little longer to get there.
Third, some things I found helpful before I discovered meds.
1- regulate your caffeine intake. I have 2 cups of coffee each morning before 10, and that’s it. If a day is really, really sucking, I might have 1 more serving of caffeine. Caffeine does not wake us up, as people with ADHD, it helps us focus. Treat it as a medication. It is essential.
2- pay attention to protein and blood sugar. I swear everything got so much better when I started having 2 spoonfuls of peanut butter every afternoon at about 3 pm. Eventually I realized I needed more protein in general and to avoid low blood sugar episodes, and that’s what the peanut butter was helping with.
3- sleep is essential. Sleep is also often really hard for people with ADHD. Allow yourself to get more sleep than you think you need. We need more sleep than most. Try to keep your circadian rhythm somewhat sane. It’s hard, I know, meds help a lot with this.
NTA
it doesn’t sound like this therapy is working for you so you should stop. If there’s a way for you to transition to individual therapy sessions that might work, but this family therapy sounds u helpful (and probably harmful to you).
Once you can be in charge of your own health (I guess that’s 18) I would suggest you try stimulant medication because it is often very effective. I find it abusive of your parents to withhold an effective treatment and then blame you for having symptoms. You have probably now developed secondary symptoms now (anxiety or depression) from untreated ADHD.
I’m really sad for you. It sounds like your parents are acting like you are choosing to have these symptoms to make their life difficult instead of having a disability.
YTA. You had 3 sessions. It’s not magic. It takes time.
Have the ever allowed medication for your severe ADHD, OP?
If not, try your best to get the discussion on that topic and to keep it on that topic. First, because the therapist can talk to them about the realities of medication for ADHD, and not their presumed irrational fears and misinformation. Second, because the therapist is a mandated reporter, and can report them for medical neglect, if that’s what’s actually going on here.
Please stay in therapy. Otherwise nothing is going to change and that’s not good for you.
I inow this would be a VERY big challenge, with your issues in focusing.
But if you can’t get medication without your parents’ approval, try to find ways to self-medicate.
My brother only got diagnosed with ADHD at 40+. Turns out, coffee helps him relax, when it makes everyone else on edge. He’s utterly addicted. But that was his way of self medicating.
So try to find more healthy ways, though.
NTA. Once you turn 18, look for therapy. There are some therapist who will accept a sliding scale. That’s going to be the frustrating part. You’ll need to do everything in your power to stay focused on this task. Some therapists will prescribe meds for you
Is there a counselor at school that might have some resources to help you? What about a favorite teacher? Look at the online therapy but this might be a bit more difficult for you rather than a face to face appointment.
There are resources but the challenge is finding them.
NTA. Oh, hon, I’m sorry. This is just abusive.
I’m an adult with severe ADHD as well. My entire immediate family has it. We’re all successful. You’re going to be okay; you just need a bit of help.
You’re almost 18, and once you are, run. Get important documents (social security card, passport, birth certificate) and leave. Your parents will prevent you from getting a job, because it was never about helping you; it’s about controlling you. If it helps, look up what you’ll need and make a checklist – lists help people like us. You don’t have to do it all at once. A little bit when you can is fine! You don’t even have to complete writing the checklist all at once! Even finding the website with information and keeping that tab open is a step in the right direction.
You aren’t a burden and you aren’t a lost cause. Medication will change your life; do whatever you can to get it. Your parents are not good people. I’m sorry.
You should engage in therapy, though, because a therapist isn’t going to agree with your parents. They’re going to tell them the truth, and that truth is that you’re being abused and neglected. You deserve so much better.
Stick with therapy. You’re 17. You’re almost 18. Let your parents show the therapist who they are. It will be beneficial. I promise.
Take this to the chin as best you can. You’re almost free of them. I assure you. Focus and work towards a future free of them.
Jesus the lack of attention/focus would be solved with medication….adderall, concerta….or Ritalin pick your poison…..your parents sound like uneducated morons who keep complaining about your learning disabilities without ever actually doing anything medically necessary to help you improve and I’m a guy who grew up with ADD and a few other leaning disabilities and having a script for concerta since the age of 10? Has helped me succeed in school/life greatly
Let me tell you a little secret; all kids are a burden. And there is a moment in every parent’s life where the regret of having kids is overwhelming.
That being said, I’m 100% certain that you’ve put more effort into this post than you’ve put in the things your family asked of you in the past week.
So, yeah, YTA because your dyspraxia didn’t stop you when you REALLY wanted to do something. Neither did your unmedicated ADHD. So, start putting the same effort into your life and maybe your family will start noticing that.