I (36F) have been married to my second husband (39M) for just over a year. At the time, I loved him deeply, but mostly took the step of getting married because I was pregnant, even though I had reservations for some of the reasons below. I asked him to leave about 2 months ago, just before our first anniversary.
His teenage daughter has lived with us for over a year. She struggles with self harm, lying, and, is in serious trouble right now for some choices she made, reportedly to get attention. Her bio mom is mostly checked out and doesn’t want to be more involved than she is. I tried hard to step up, even at the expense of being emotionally available for my own kids, but her needs are deeper than I realized. After her most recent crisis, her mom shared more of the history, and it’s worse than I knew. She’s now in a more intense therapy program that we’re hopeful about. I love her, but I feel completely in over my head and sometimes scared of her for my other kids. I also worry that my husband is still in denial about the depth of her issues.
At the same time, my marriage has always been largely one sided. I’ve always been the breadwinner. He’s job hopped, contributed little financially, and right now isn’t working full time. I’ve even floated us financially since the beginning of the year so he could get certifications in a career he loves instead of staying in dead end jobs. But he hasn’t made much progress and didn’t use the time to contribute more to the household. I’m also the default parent for all the kids, though he’s super involved with our baby, while he is more engaged with his bio kids than mine. He is a caring dad but doesn’t seem to know how to jump in and so doesn’t.
When he struggled with mental health, I supported him without hesitation. But when I went through dark times in our relationship, I was completely alone. During his worst crisis last year, I discovered emotional infidelity on his phone. It wasn’t the first time. It hasn’t continued, but I’m not over it.
He deals with a LOT of trauma, mental health issues, shame and anxiety freezes, and I can see that he’s working on his stuff. He’s been in therapy and making changes, but they’re small and the gap is HUGE. I don’t think he’s capable of changing to the extent that would change my reality before I give up all the way. I can’t keep carrying the weight of what he hasn’t been able to heal.
We’ve been separated for two months. I go back and forth between wanting him around for emotional support (I don’t have much) and the small hope he might finally step up, and just wanting to move on. But he can’t afford a place for himself and his daughter, and I feel guilty being another woman abandoning her while she’s in crisis.
To complicate it more, he was my best friend before all of this. When we do connect, I still love him. We laugh, we talk, and my older son adores him, his daughter, and our baby. The bonds are real, but so is the damage this marriage has done to me.
I am sad and checked out, but guilty too. Would I be the asshole for divorcing him now?
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/throwaway0607182024:
I (36F) have been married to my second husband (39M) for just over a year. At the time, I loved him deeply, but mostly took the step of getting married because I was pregnant, even though I had reservations for some of the reasons below. I asked him to leave about 2 months ago, just before our first anniversary.
His teenage daughter has lived with us for over a year. She struggles with self harm, lying, and, is in serious trouble right now for some choices she made, reportedly to get attention. Her bio mom is mostly checked out and doesn’t want to be more involved than she is. I tried hard to step up, even at the expense of being emotionally available for my own kids, but her needs are deeper than I realized. After her most recent crisis, her mom shared more of the history, and it’s worse than I knew. She’s now in a more intense therapy program that we’re hopeful about. I love her, but I feel completely in over my head and sometimes scared of her for my other kids. I also worry that my husband is still in denial about the depth of her issues.
At the same time, my marriage has always been largely one sided. I’ve always been the breadwinner. He’s job hopped, contributed little financially, and right now isn’t working full time. I’ve even floated us financially since the beginning of the year so he could get certifications in a career he loves instead of staying in dead end jobs. But he hasn’t made much progress and didn’t use the time to contribute more to the household. I’m also the default parent for all the kids, though he’s super involved with our baby, while he is more engaged with his bio kids than mine. He is a caring dad but doesn’t seem to know how to jump in and so doesn’t.
When he struggled with mental health, I supported him without hesitation. But when I went through dark times in our relationship, I was completely alone. During his worst crisis last year, I discovered emotional infidelity on his phone. It wasn’t the first time. It hasn’t continued, but I’m not over it.
He deals with a LOT of trauma, mental health issues, shame and anxiety freezes, and I can see that he’s working on his stuff. He’s been in therapy and making changes, but they’re small and the gap is HUGE. I don’t think he’s capable of changing to the extent that would change my reality before I give up all the way. I can’t keep carrying the weight of what he hasn’t been able to heal.
We’ve been separated for two months. I go back and forth between wanting him around for emotional support (I don’t have much) and the small hope he might finally step up, and just wanting to move on. But he can’t afford a place for himself and his daughter, and I feel guilty being another woman abandoning her while she’s in crisis.
To complicate it more, he was my best friend before all of this. When we do connect, I still love him. We laugh, we talk, and my older son adores him, his daughter, and our baby. The bonds are real, but so is the damage this marriage has done to me.
I am sad and checked out, but guilty too. Would I be the asshole for divorcing him now?
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NTA. you have to do what’s best for you. like you said, the marriage has felt one-sided for a long time. there’s hardly any reciprocation between the two of you, and it doesn’t seem like there are many reasons for you to stick around. if you stay, things will continue on like this. i get wanting to be there for him when he’s going through something, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of your own mental health nor your wellbeing.
Dont get back in the relationship based on hope that he will step up or things will improve.
If things were not to improve and the situation/relarionship were to remain as it is, would you be happy to stay? Would you be fulfilled? If the answer is no, end the relationship.
Nta. you have to do right by you and your kids, you cannot fix him. you cannot fix his daughter. get you some therapy about why you tried.
You should not have chosen this dysfunctional person as your partner. It doesn’t make you an asshole for getting divorced.
This is what your life will look like if you remain with him. Your children- especially the baby will know nothing different that his lack of focus and chaos.
Maybe it’s time to plan an exit strategy.
What parts of the relationship would you want to salvage if you could? What do you need? I hope you can find a place where you can continue to co-parent all the children peacefully and model healthy relationships.
NTA. Your job is to protect your children no matter WHAT!!! You have to protect them from everything that threatens their health & safety! And sometimes that includes certain people. It sucks, but unfortunately it sounds like you’ve done all you can for that girl. You need to put you & your kids first. They need their mom more than she needs you!
Go back and read your very long post.
NTA.
You have more children to think of and to prioritize.
At this point it is survival and mental health first.
I was in a relationship very similar to your story but unfortunately when I had separated after 2 years under restraining order I returned and stayed for another 21 years because of the reasons you stated the children we were friends he was my bff!
But in reality I wish I had left for good because we were better BFF’s than husband and wife, he couldn’t be faithful and he needed to grow up and learn to take care of his responsibilities his children in the manner they needed not in the manner I thought! I allowed him to treat me like 💩 for years by financially keeping the family until I health wise couldn’t he had to get out and function like a man but it got worse and worse. I allowed that thought children knew best but they don’t I knew gut feeling that he wasn’t good for my heart! He broke me down he broke my heart like no other because he was my BFF, I was vulnerable with my bff and he knew how to hurt like no other could! I was devastated for a several years! TRUST ME DONT GO BACK!
NTA. Except yta for marring him just because you were pregnant when there are so many red flags! I really hope you got a prenup. You should proceed with the divorce, protect your children and yourself. Do not feel guilty. You made a mistake by marrying him. Time to fix that mistake. If he has so many mental health issues, he has no business being in a relationship until he heals himself. He needs to focus on himself and his daughter. You tried your hardest. Time to put your children first
From personal experience…if he has emotionally cheated on you, then you are not his person. If you were, he would be incapable of emotionally cheating. Just because it wasn’t physical doesn’t mean it was a lesser form of cheating. If anything, it’s worse, in my opinion. Physically cheating can be blamed on physiology and needs (though it’s still not an acceptable excuse), but emotional cheating means he isn’t having his internal needs met by you.
You might feel like he’s your person, but you aren’t his person, so you don’t match. It sucks when you have that realization, and it might take a long time to get over it, but the day will come when you don’t feel that hurt anymore.
Having a child with him puts you in a whole other realm than what I dealt with. You’ll need to be able to co-parent. It’ll be really rough for you, seeing him while you’re recovering. You might consider only communicating through messaging and having him pick up/visit (whatever the custody arrangement becomes) at a place where a trusted family member or friend of yours can help so you don’t have to see him until you’re past the feelings. It’s so hard to ever feel like you can recover when the person is still in your daily life. The wound never gets to scab over because every time you see that person, the hurt is fresh.
Good luck, OP. Do what’s best for you and your children. Clearly NTA.
NTA. It honestly sounds like he (and his baggage) bring more stress and unhappiness than joy to your life. Life is short. Do whatever you can/need to do, to make yourself happy. It’s okay to love someone. It’s not okay to lose yourself trying to do so.
Nta.
Take care of yourself, your kids, your baby.
This guy is doing nothing. Oh boo hoo. Mental health problems, no money, no job.
What would you tell your daughter if she was in a relationship like this?
Take your own advice. Get him and his out.
The girl has a mother. Her mother needs to step up.
NTA – You don’t need to put everyone else’s feelings above your own. If a divorce is what you need to lead a happy, fulfilling life then that is what you need to do. Depending where you live there may be supports available for him to use as a single dad for housing/income etc. But don’t stay in the marriage on the hopes that he’ll step up, it seems you given him plenty of chances already
You need therapy to understand why you got into this dysfunctional situation and why you stayed so long.
NTA
NTAH. He married you under false pretences not disclosing you the extend of his daughter’s problems.
You need to care and provide for your own daughter.
You’re 36 about to be divorced twice maybe not all the problems are them maybe it’s some of it as you?
Nta but it sounds like you should’ve never married him…
NTA. Divorce him. He married you so that you would take care of him. He is unable and unwilling to reciprocate. You financially support him, you emotionally support him, clean his house, do his laundry, cook his food. You are the default mother to him. Protect yourself and your child, physically and emotionally, and leave him, his troubled and his dangerous daughter. If you need companionship, get a roommate and begin joining clubs.
Yes – urta. You knew this guy for YEARS and was his best friend, so you knew his issues and still – after much consideration – decided to marry him. If you wanted something better, you should have decided – after much consideration – NOT to marry him – pregnant or not. Now there are kids lives involved, so your happiness is not the primary concern….make the best of it and in your next life don’t settle for losers.
NTA.
I think you’ve realized your needs are not being met and won’t be met by this man. While he was a great friend he doesn’t understand how to be a husband. You have children you need to care for and prioritize. While his situation is unfortunate you can’t stick around and put aside your needs or that of your children.
Beat of luck!
NTA. You are the only one carrying the burden of both families, and your husband,by your own admission, is not a real partner. Sadly,being his best friend didn’t carry over into a marital relationship. You have to care for your own kids, not just your stepdaughter,even though she has so much going on in her life right now. YOU need help,too!! Don’t neglect your own health!!
NTA
You’ve been trying. It sounds less like this is about his daughter and more about not being able to get over the cheating.
Have you thought of continuing helping the daughter after you divorce? Maybe let her know she still has someone in her corner that she can call if she needs help? It’s not ideal, but maybe a teen inpatient treatment or youth home programs could help her. She needs stability, and it doesn’t sound like her bio parents are capable of providing that.
As to your relationship, it’s possible you can be friends again, but it also sounds like you’ve checked out emotionally from the relationship. And if you’re not considering therapy or reconciliation, it’s worse to drag it out than rip the band-aid off.
NTA. You need to do what is best for you and your children. You are not the anwers to fixing all his problems.
Your kids come first. And this isn’t healthy for them because it’s not healthy for you. You’ve done your best but it’s time for him to take care of his daughter and not depend on you to do that. He’s watched you live under the financial and emotional burdens for years and won’t step up to help. Leave now and work on your own health and take care of your kids. We all only have so much capacity.
This is all in a year
UpdateMe!
NAH
A difficult situation for all of you. Have you thought about being married but living separately?
Also: You can get a divorce and stay in contact with them. It doesn’t always have to mean to totally disappear from one another’s life.
NTA “go back to him for emotional support” what emotional support? Not the mention it sounds like your own mental health is being put in jeopardy. if there’s already 2 people involved in a mental health struggle a 3rd one isn’t going to do anything to help and may just create too many mentally troubled chefs in the dysfunctional kitchen.
NTA Think of your kids being exposed to this. Learning that it’s fine to have a ‘partner’ leech off you. Being exposed to trauma at such a young age second hand via their stepsister. Are your kids supposed to accept being cheated on when they’re adults?
If you’re basically a single parent already, and separating will bring a sense of safety to the household, then do it. Love isn’t enough. Not without both sides doing everything in their power to make it through as a team. Your husband isn’t a good father when you do all the heavy lifting and he still claims a participation trophy just for being physically there. He’s betrayed your trust in multiple ways, he’s not stepped up emotionally, mentally or physically when you needed him.
Please find someone who reciprocates all the effort you put into your family. Don’t teach your kids to settle for being treated as less.
You know you messed up marrying him and getting pregnant but its not too late. Protect your children they should have come first from the beginning.
He’s useless and his daughter is so mentally unwell and dangerous that you fear for your children.
He also has periods of unemployment and cannot support his children.
Divorce him before you have to pay him spousal support!!!
He is cheating on you and it’s likely more than just emotional.
You can still be his friend but he can’t be a husband to you. He’s incapable of it.
When you needed him he wasn’t there but he is happy to lean on you whenever he feels like it.
He’s already emotionally cheated on you. He doesn’t support you. He’s a grown man with no ambition. He is financially reliant on you. You look after his kids more than him or his ex.
It sounds like he wanted a parent for him and his kids, and you were an easy solution.
You’re not a doormat, so stop acting like one. Nta
NTA for looking out for yourself but Yta for getting married just because you were pregnant and had doubts
Let’s hope marriage number 3 works out!!
Sounds like you do all the things and you just had 3 more kids to support financially and emotionally (your newborn, his daughter and himself). You’re over stressed and he can’t alleviate this because he just pushes more of this in you.
Not the AH. It will be the best thing for you.
This is a long winded post pointing figures at a child and your husband. You don’t refer to her as your step daughter, so clearly you never accepted her. Also this is the second marriage you’re leaving. I’d start looking inwards before you get married for the third time.
NTA but you probably should had never gotten remarried.
NTA, you cant fix change or save him OR his daughter.
You can go back to being friends eventually, which is all he’s capable of. Don’t play life on hard mode. You’re only 36, this does not have to be the rest of your life.
Enabling never causes anyone to get their shit together, it just keeps lowering the bar for them so that they don’t have to make their own necessary changes. Like, here you are lighting yourself on fire to keep them afloat and his response was to cheat on you repeatedly. Leaving is the best possible thing you could do for either of you.
The safety of your children comes first.
This sounds like a man who is emotionally exhausted and stuck in crisis. From what you described, he is doing the best with what is in his control while making efforts to grow when he can. Depending on the job field and country alot of places are in a hiring freeze and if the US roughly 75% of the US population is struggling financially is some aspect.
Also didnt really talked about clear communication on how you are feeling and how the reaction because of it. If he is emotionally exhausted and not told what the issue is he maybe unintentionally ignoring it because the guess work and assumption could be too much.
You’d get more emotional support out of a bar of chocolate.
I’m not going to completely villainize him, but you really need to sit down and ask yourself what you are really getting out of this relationship, versus what you would like. Are you asking for something impossible for him to give (and it’s not a dig at you as a person)? Because he doesn’t sound like the kind of partner you need (or for anyone else for that matter).
You sound like someone who has life happen to them versus someone with a modicum of control. How tf did your stepdaughter’s issues go undetected for so long?! Why did her mother get to keep that from your husband?! Why does he get to not take on more responsibility in his own house!?
Stay separated. He needs to get himself together and you need some self inflection so you can be the best version of yourself. You and your kids deserve that.
NTA
(But you will be one if you stay)
If he has a job file for divorce now. Before he becomes unemployed. I hate to say this but your step daughter is a bad influence for you and your baby.
This is a one sided marriage that will turn into you doing all parenting by yourself. Just get a divorce so you’ll be secure.
Don’t let her near the baby alone.
NTA
Get out now before you owe him any more spousal support or alimony that you already do.
By trying to save him, you are sinking. And you can’t change him, he has to change himself.
This is not love. This is a savior complex combined with codepency.
He’s just dragging you down with him- he’s a leech, he and his ex will have to more heavily parent if you aren’t around… AND YOUR KIDS ARE YOUR PRIORITY. FULL STOP.
I watched my oldest step son who is heavily troubled physically and mentally torture his siblings, steal from all the siblings, create situations where his mom and dad had to ignore the three other kids to manage him (miss games, miss high school graduation, skip out on plans, etc.), watching him physically harm himself and also attack his mom and dad… his siblings refuse to share their phone numbers with him and they be of them goes into a PTSD full shut down if the oldest is nearby. THIS IS NO WAY TO GROW UP.
This guy was in no Way shape or form ready to be married especially with his issues. He couldn’t keep a job so I don’t know why in heck you married him and had another baby. Then you say you are the breadwinner. Good you are only married a year. Get out now because you will have to pay spousal and child support. At least a year of marriage it should not be too long.
NTA
While it is sad that he and his daughter have financial struggles while she is struggling all around, you MUST put your other children first.
Watching a mooch drain their mother financially and emotionally is not protecting them nor teaching them what health partnerships should be.
Stay strong. Your stbx has to live with the consequences of his choices. The stepdaughter’s mother will have to step up.
Good luck.
NTA
NTA
He will never step up and never be able to provide you with emotional support. He’s too wrapped upon his own stuff. You can’t save him – only he can do that. You need to save yourself.
You need to do what’s best for your children and yourself. NTA
NTA
I think people need to normalise walking away from situations that don’t make them feel healthy. He doesn’t pull his weight, financially nor emotionally. He hasn’t been as upfront as he should have about his daughter. He isn’t putting in enough effort to better himself. All of this is falling on you. Its different supporting someone when they genuinely can’t cope or for a time genuinely can’t work, but it very much sounds like he is coasting in life while you pick up the slack.
Sounds like you’re being codependent. You aren’t responsible for his issues. He does t appreciate you taking on the sole provider role, or he would be helping out around the house. Ask yourself what h he is doing while you’re doing all of the labor, mental and physical.
What on earth possessed you to have a child with a man who offers you and his children zero emotional or financial stability and then asking if you’re the AH for considering divorcing him? OP, someone needs to not sugarcoat things for you and give you some straight talk without buzz words and platitudes. You’re being a fool. Just because your husband isn’t a bad guy, it doesn’t make him a good one.