I’m (31F) currently in Tokyo with my partner (30M) and my best friend (33F). My friend is vegan, my partner and I are not. I am going completely insane with her list of dietary demands and lack of planning on her part.
While we were planning the trip, she assured me going out to eat wouldn’t be a problem since Tokyo has a lot of vegan options and that since she’s on holiday, she wouldn’t worry too much about whether a meal is really 100% vegan or not (since a lot of dishes in Japan always come with an egg and/or fish sauce). I didn’t mind the prospect of eating (mostly) vegan with her during our trip with a little bit of planning, eating vegan in Tokyo is completely possible and not much of a sacrifice. I made a list of all the restaurants we could go to and the vegan meals they offered; Some explicitly vegan ones, but also non-vegan restaurants that have vegan options.
The first day was fine, we went to ramen and curry restaurants that had a lot of vegan options. Things started shifting when we went to a popular but small udon place that only had udon noodles on the menu with the choice of either beef, chicken or tofu on the side. She had a long face during the entire meal, complaining that the plain tofu was tasteless and this was basically an insult to vegans because it wasn’t seasoned/marinated etc… She told me that she had basically lied when she said she’d be more easygoing about being vegan here, saying she just didn’t want to seem difficult. After this, her criteria increased – apart from just vegan, the food/restaurant also had to be:
- Gluten/carb free, since she says all the ramen we’ve had caused her to bloat
- Vegan ‘junk’ food, that’s fried, seasoned well etc – not just plain tofu
- Sugar free (so no to any bakeries, sweets etc)
- not ‘healthy’ with a focus on vegetables since she says she doesn’t want to feel like she’s dieting while she’s on holiday
- not anything made from beans (excluding a lot of vegan burger places)
All these new criteria made the list of restaurants I had prepared basically useless, since maybe 5 or so still checked all the boxes. To make matters worse, she has done no research into restaurants at all. And I mean nothing. When I asked her why she hadn’t, she said that she felt like she would be ‘imposing’ her restaurant choice onto us if she did that. Instead now she asks me; ‘So where are WE eating?’ and then she nitpicks my options of restaurants and berates me for picking wrong. She thinks I’m the one who should pick the restaurant, since I’m the one who did the research. Even IF the restaurant checks all the boxes, she’s somehow still not pleased and sceptical that the restaurant really meets the criteria. On top of that, she’s picky about the location and waiting time as well. She gets hungry and then demands to eat something immediately, but often the only correct vegan option is a bit further away or there’s a line. Then she gets ‘hangry’ and complains her blood sugar is crashing. This has made this trip so much more difficult and unpleasant for me than I had expected, I feel like a personal assistant more than a friend.
I’ve told her that I’d prefer if we’d eat separately from now on, meaning we each choose our own restaurant for ourselves and then just meet up again after the meal. She seemed completely surprised by this, implying this was a huge exaggeration on my part. She reluctantly agreed and since then she’s just been to the same ‘safe’ restaurant 3 times, one we had already been to on our first day, getting the same meal each time. She’s been in a bad mood, sulking and making jabs that she’s a ‘solo traveller’ now. She’s made it about us being an inconsiderate, clingy couple who’s excluding and ditching their poor single friend – I told her I would still be doing this even if I were here alone with her and it’s not about me wanting to be alone with my partner. At the same time, I do feel bad about ‘making her’ eat alone at restaurants on holiday, but I can’t help but feel like she’s really left me no other choice.
Am I the asshole here?
Comments
Nope! Even if she wasn’t a vegan she deserved to be ditched at meal times for being an utter pain in the ass. She can either grow up and shut up or eat on her own, her choice. Be prepared however as she will likely lash out at you to joint friends when you get home.
NTA
NTA. It’s unfortunate, but traveling and living with people are efficient ways to discover that they’re actually really immature and selfish. What an expensive way to discover this unfortunate fact about your friend.
NTA.
How incredibly ridiculous of her! She put herself in this situation and you shouldn’t feel bad for her. Your friend is supposed to be an adult right? Is she trying to emotionally manipulate y’all into becoming vegan by accommodating her demands? She should be mature enough to spend the time with you both and then go eat vegan food alone. Japan is perfect for solo travelers because lots of restaurants have single table seating options. Don’t let her ruin the rest of your trip. Maybe on the last day you can invite her to eat a vegan meal with you guys together at a nice place to salvage your friendship if you want to do that. Best of luck
NTA. Tell her to go to a natural Lawson or coco curry and catch up with her later.
Her lists of additional requirements are ridiculous. You are on holiday as well and should be able to enjoy the food that you wish to eat. There is no way I would consider going on a trip with your friend again. NTA.
So glad my friends are carnivores. This friendship sounds exhausting. Not the AH.
Don’t just eat but just travel seperately.
And no wonder Japan is sick of tourists.
If her restrictions are that extensive, suggest that you guys do meals separately.
That’s the most straightforward way to avoid conflicts.
NTA- you did your best to accommodate and she wasn’t happy. So best that she chooses her own eating places.
NTA. She was ruining your trip.
NTA. Eating with someone like this is exhausting. Tell her if she wants to eat with you, she can but you aren’t researching the restaurant, you are going because you want to eat there. She can either find something on the menu or not. Up to her. Leave it at that.
NTA. I think your idea of separate dining is just the thing. She is trying to impose her diet on y’all & seems want to be the main focus of your vacation.
NTA
She didn’t want to seem difficult, so she decided to simply BE difficult instead?!
That is nonsensical, ridiculous and downright selfish.
NTA. Tell her “You choose the restaurant that fits your needs and we can eat together or we are going to do our own thing. I’m no longer making any choices having to do with where you eat.”
NTA
You have been far too patient.
I would have told her that this won’t fly after the second bs.
I had a similar experience with an acquaintance I traveled with last year. She knew that the country we were travelling in had a completely different cuisine and she tried to schlepp me to McDonald’s because that was “safe”.
After 3 days of me “releasing” her in town to fend for herself she became more reasonable.
No, we aren’t going to travel together ever again and that’s ok
NTA
She chose to be a third wheel AND knowingly lied to you about being more laid back regarding food. People with stricter diets need to either be willing to compromise more or need to do their own research. They can’t expect everyone to cater to their diet, especially if it continues to change from day to day
She sounds exhausting and selfish. I say make her a full solo traveller since she’s already calling herself that.
Send her on her way
NTA
Whilst it’s true that Tokyo has many vegan restaurants, it’s still on HER to do the research needed to find them. And it’s not even difficult! There are apps and websites dedicated to sharing restaurants that are suitable for vegans, for goodness’ sake!
But even if she’d researched, it’s not reasonable to expect you to restrict your eating experiences so much when a key reason many of us visit Japan is to fully enjoy the incredible cuisine.
I would absolutely stick to having meals separately and if she wants to rejoin you, she needs to accept that she’ll have to compromise her list of demands and that the choices may be restrictive or bland to her tastes.
NTA
She is the nitpicky one and makes her nitpicky-ness your problem and partly ruins your vacation.
She can look up restaurants herself, like any adult with food preferences would.
She is acting like a child. She didn’t do any research for HER dietary needs and have the AUDACITY to blame you?
Girl… I’d end this friendship once we got back home.
She didn’t want to impose, but she still expected you to do all the work. And even when you went above and beyond to accommodate her, it wasn’t good enough. That’s pretty selfish and honestly, feels a tad manipulative. It would make me question the friendship because even if you have necessary diet restrictions, I would never force that on someone else and I would appreciate that you took time at all to find options for me. She didn’t even try to have an open discussion on perhaps a compromise, so you all could still eat together. Instead she made the experience about her and didn’t bother to fit in what you and your partner felt about it.
So no. You are definitely NTA.
No, there’s no way I’d cave in to that list of ridiculous requirements. It’s not like she has health issues that force her to eat that way. She’s choosing it by eliminating perfectly good vegan restaurants and ones with perfectly good vegan options. She’s doing this to herself.
NTA. It’s actually a better way to enjoy both vacation. She’s selfish and thinks you’re her baby sitter. You deserve to have fun and eat what you want and so is she.
NTA. Before I even finished reading I was already thinking, man, I would tell her she’s on her own and just eat what I want. YOU’RE IN JAPAN? Enjoy, taste everything and she can figure it out alone. I’m sure she’ll find a find to feed herself, don’t worry.
This is why I like traveling with just my immediate family or alone.
NTA… she was ruining you vacation. You solution was brilliant. You are not responsible for her choices. She is an adult, she can look after her own needs without disturbing others.
Do not back down
She should be on the first plane home!!
What an absolute hellhole of a person.
NTA. Your partner seems to be a keeper if he is even remotely ok with that shit. Don´t ruin your vacation with that shit.
NTA. She sounds like an insufferable twatwaffle. Next time you vacation, don’t vacation with her.
You went to too much trouble to do her research for her. How is she going to learn how to take care of herself?
When she told you that she lied you should have cut the rope right there, and put the entire responsibility of her eating on her where it belongs.
Her bitchy attitude makes me wonder why you’re even friends with her in the first place, she seems very comfortable in berating you for not doing everything for her. Please take a good long look at this friendship and ask yourself what you’re getting out of it. She’s a user and you need to stop enabling.
“WE are eating here, I dont know where YOU are eating.”
NTA she lied to get on the trip, now shes showing her true colors. Eat where you want to, she can either eat with you and shut up, or find somewhere that meets her requests.
Your friend sucks and is no friend at all. I wouldn’t invest anymore energy into thinking about her and the problem she got herself into. She came out and said that she lied about being easy going with her limited food options. Now she’s guilt tripping you guys and making you feel bad for the whole food situation. She chose to get herself into this mess, she’s a big girl she can find food for herself. I would not include her anymore
NTA
she is welcome to join you…reinforce that
She can join you and not be a silky brat…or she can eat alone.
She is choosing to eat alone. She is choosing to be rude and sulky.
Hold the line and dont be blackmailed by her… invite her and let her choose.
NTA
I am vegan for a long time and have been the 3rd wheel a few times – your friend is a complete AH.
She wants complete babysitting and waste everyone’s vacation. Expecting you to cave all the time to her wishes is pure selfishness and you should have told her to F off from the beginning. NTA
Vegan here and I wouldn’t want to eat with her.
NTA she did this to herself. Honestly, go ahead and ditch her now, cut back on the friendship when you get back
NTA. If i were in your shoes, i would do what you did PLUS make fun of her to her face every single day. I would exagerate how great the food is, i would ask her about her meal in a sarcastic way, i would constantly talk about how great the food culture is, etc. Ok, i probably wouldn’t do it but i would definitely think about it, lol
Why are you friends with this person? I would enjoy myself on holiday…not limit myself. How many times will you be in Japan? Separate is the way to enjoy yourself, and it is all on her with the I lied about being more “easygoing about being vegan here” with her vegan “demands”.
She needs other vegan friends to go on vacation with…you need to ditch her for the rest of the vacation.
NTA, she lied to you before the trip and then didn’t do any research to find suitable options. She is currently in the “find out” phase after “F@$@ing around”. She is solo traveling due to her decisions. Don’t feel guilty about ditching her for meals.
NTA I have an allergic autoimmune disorder that has made me allergic to some foods and spices. Some things I can’t ever eat without getting anaphylaxis, and some things I can sometimes have a little of if my body isn’t super reactive at the time.
I would never expect my friends to comply to a whole list of dietary restrictions!! When I’m with friends I find what I can eat and if I needed something that wasn’t there, I get it myself after. Most days I eat a different meal(s) than my family does, even when we go out or order in.
What would she do if you gave her a list of things you had to have at every meal – things that included meat and stuff?! Why is she expecting you to accommodate her but doesn’t think she needs to accommodate you guys? (I’m not saying do this! But she’s incredibly one sided on this.)
NTA. This isn’t “couple ditches single friend,” this is “people who want to enjoy one of the greatest food cities in the world ditching That Vegan.”
I’m gluten free, celiacs gf, and when I went to Tokyo I made a list of restaurants I could go to. I also joined gf Tokyo fb groups and got my own Japanese allergy card. Plus brought my own gf soy sauce.
Did people I’m with have other places they wanted to checkout I couldn’t eat at? Yes. Was it easier sometimes to split up? Yes.
NTA
People with strict dietary choices are responsible for finding food that meets their rules.
nta she was obnoxious on multiple level – lying to you, not contributing to planning, etc.