I have my own place, and my own cat who for sake of anonymity we’ll call John. John is 4 y/o neutered and is perfect with me. But pretty much only me. There’s a few exceptions but he has only ever really opened up to me. He has a history of anxiety driven aggression towards guests and previous roommates. That is until- I put John on Prozac and began extensive training with the help of a cat behavioralist. Since then incidents of aggression and attacks have gone from what was almost a daily issue to zero. He’s shown a lot of promise over the last 6 months and is only showing signs of getting better. My gf met him once, two years ago when we were long distance and he stalked her, corned her, and scratched her. This all happened within the span of 2 minutes while I was in the other room. I understand her fear, and I hate that this happened. But my only resort with John is now a shelter where a cat of his age and with his history will almost certainly be put down. I’m in a bind because I understand my gf’s boundaries and don’t want to cross them but I also cannot bear the thought of walking this animal who has been such therapy and love and light to me for 4 years into what feels like certain death. We’re at a point where she has agreed to meet him again but says no matter how well it goes or for how long it goes she will never trust him and will never live with him. And further more doesn’t feel I value her safety or boundaries now because of the situation. Any insight is appreciated. She’s a cat lover and a great partner in all other aspects this is just such a tough spot for us
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I have my own place, and my own cat who for sake of anonymity we’ll call John. John is 4 y/o neutered and is perfect with me. But pretty much only me. There’s a few exceptions but he has only ever really opened up to me. He has a history of anxiety driven aggression towards guests and previous roommates. That is until- I put John on Prozac and began extensive training with the help of a cat behavioralist. Since then incidents of aggression and attacks have gone from what was almost a daily issue to zero. He’s shown a lot of promise over the last 6 months and is only showing signs of getting better. My gf met him once, two years ago when we were long distance and he stalked her, corned her, and scratched her. This all happened within the span of 2 minutes while I was in the other room. I understand her fear, and I hate that this happened. But my only resort with John is now a shelter where a cat of his age and with his history will almost certainly be put down. I’m in a bind because I understand my gf’s boundaries and don’t want to cross them but I also cannot bear the thought of walking this animal who has been such therapy and love and light to me for 4 years into what feels like certain death. We’re at a point where she has agreed to meet him again but says no matter how well it goes or for how long it goes she will never trust him and will never live with him. And further more doesn’t feel I value her safety or boundaries now because of the situation. Any insight is appreciated. She’s a cat lover and a great partner in all other aspects this is just such a tough spot for us
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I feel like I’m doing wrong by her for asking her to meet this cat she’s scared of but I feel wrong by him for giving him up
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH
When you adopt a pet you have a duty towards that pet and taking it seriously is a mark of good character. You are taking the right steps trying to get your cat the help he needs.
However it’s hard to fault your girlfriend for feeling uneasy around a cat who’s been aggressive towards her.
This might simply be a sad thing which winds up being the end of the relationship. Sometimes relationships end and it’s no one’s fault per se.
It’s gotta be you and John, man. That’s your cat, and you’re his person. We have a “spicy” cat. She’s loving and adorable and anxious like your John. She’s attacked me and my wife, not out of malice but out of fear and anxiety.
You’re doing the right thing by working with a behaviorist and medicating John. We do that with our girl, and it helps. Knowing what sets our cat off helps us recognize the signs so we can keep her calm. It’s kinda like living with a pint-sized furry Hulk. “The sun’s getting low.”
If John were a kid, you wouldn’t abandon him and just give up. Maybe John needs to help you find the right girlfriend — one that he feels comfortable with, like you. If you hand John off to a shelter, he’s not going to find a better person or home.
Cat was there first, re-home the gf
NAH. It’s a sucky situation but it’s like they say, a pet is for life, not just until you’re dating. If she really is a cat lover then she should understand that.
Plus I’ve seen countless examples online of people being patient and caring with the most anxious / aggressive cats and slowly but surely gaining their trust. If she cares for you, she should surely be willing to give John a chance and there are tons of ways to safely approach an angry kitty, with gloves etc.
If John attacked her one time and that would be enough for her to want you to send him away for good? Imo that would make her the AH not you
NTA, neither is your GF.
This is a really unfortunate situation. You can’t give up on your cat or you would be the AH, especially since you put so much work into helping his temperament improve.
I had a situation where my ex had a cat who hated everybody, screamed and hissed at them, but eventually grew to love me. But I’m a cat lover and I can gradually win over a cat, not sure about your GF. Sadly I don’t think your relationship will work unless your GF wants to put in the work with the cat. It’s not her fault if she doesn’t, not everyone’s cut out for it.
Edited for typo.
NAH. I can’t say that either side is wrong. You’ve taken steps to ensure that John’s behavior is being corrected but at the same time, I can’t blame your girlfriend for being wary of him. Anyone with common sense would be.
The core issue here isn’t a lack of respect for you girlfriend or her “boundaries”. It is that she has placed you in an impossible situation, essentially forcing you to choose between your cat and her. She is not leaving any room for compromise, putting you into a no-win situation with no room for compromise, negotiation, or recognition of change. A healthy partnership is built on compromise and a willingness to solve problems together & trying to find ways forward that support and respect each others needs. You are trying here. She is not.
This isn’t a simple or easy choice. I find it hard to believe that a real cat lover would be so dismissive of your feelings for your cat, or for his life, especially when there has been such improvement in his behaviour. Personally, I think the lack of empathy for both you and John is a red flag.
She can have all the boundaries she wants (not living with a cat she doesn’t like). But that doesn’t mean that she gets to force you to give him up. And if she has no regard for how much you love this cat, how much giving him up would hurt you, then I’d be seriously thinking hard about her regard for you.
NTA
Essentially she said no matter how well it goes, she will never live with him. Get rid of your beloved pet if you want me to live with you.
How bad would you feel if you got rid of him and she came up with some other excuse not to live with you? Big red flag putting a condition of giving up your pet. Honestly it sounds like you want her more than she wants you.
NAH. If you’re gf is a cat lover really maybe there is a chance of reconciliation?
To be loved is to be changed, this cat has been loved and he has changed. I think she needs to approach him with an open mind though, that maybe his behaviour could be different.
If she is walking in saying irrespective of how he behaves, even if he purrs I won’t be in the same space as him, might be more humane to rehome the gf..
You are NTA. Caring for a pet is a great responsibility and it is always good to see someone taking it seriously. Pets are also family. No one wants to be put in a position where they might have to give away their family.
Your gf has her boundaries and fears, that’s valid. But this is the part where I think she is a bit of a TA:
> We’re at a point where she has agreed to meet him again but says no matter how well it goes or for how long it goes she will never trust him and will never live with him
Putting an ultimatum down so early on seems narrow-minded and shows an unwillingness to compromise. Maybe it’s her fear of the cat, or maybe it’s her insecurity forcing you into a choice: ‘me or the cat’. Either way, if the both of you would are serious about each other, it’s time to have a deep talk about this. She will have to be open to allowing John’s improvement and current condition to shape her view, rather than let her past trauma and experience dictate the future. If not, I don’t see how the two of you will work out
INFO
What options has your GF put on the table? What does she actually want to do? Marry you? Move in with you? Date you outside the home but not stay over? Date and stay over 2 nights per week?
What’s the difference between the two following suggestions? Because it matters. You are trying to work through options here and having all the cards on the table helps…
Assuming you don’t get rid of the cat:
1.Option
2.Option
Assuming you rehome the cat:
Option
Option
At the end of the day, there is a big chance that there might not be a big difference between the two. A lot of folks are highly unlikely not to marry someone due to their cat. If they are at the stage of long term commitment, and building a life together, a cat is small fry in the mix of – housing, finances, career projections, planning children/deciding not to have children, responsibilities towards parents in old age. See what I mean?
The fact that a cat, even an aggressive one who has had a lot of progress made, is a major concern is worth unpacking before you make a big decision.
NTH, you need a different GF. I would never allow someone to try to make me give up my dog/cat. I trust their opinions more than most humans. Maybe you should listen to your cat
NTA
NTA. John is ready to spend the rest of his life with you, can your girlfriend say the same? Can you say the same about her?
NTA.
But this is a compatibility issue. If she’s not even willing to see how it goes with your cat then why are you even entertaining the relationship? Do you want to live separately from her until your cat dies? That could literally be 15+ years. Trust me, I had a 21yo childhood cat and I currently have a 17yo. They live a loooong time.
It’s hard but what do you want your future to look like? Obviously you want the cat to be there so what does that mean for you and your gf?
NTA.
If you got rid of him, the guilt will follow you for years. Maybe forever.
Tell her to get over it or get gone.
NTA
It’s not a 100lb huge dog. And she wasn’t attacked as a child. She can frigging meet the cat and be an adult about it instead of asking you to condemn this poor living creature who clearly adores you, to death because she’s being a princess!
You GF is a #####. Pick the cat, never someone who is so rigid to the point of detriment to a tiny living thing.
A boundary is for yourself “I can’t live with your cat”.
A rule is for others “you need to get rid of your cat”.
An ultimatum is an all or nothing choice “its me or the cat”.
She’s allowed to have boundaries, she isn’t allowed to make rules for you.
An ultimatum is a risky move, especially when it involves another life who would be negatively impacted by the choice you have to make over someone being rigid and showing their insecurities or controlling nature.
And even more so when its unnecessary. A single hiss and a swipe from a cat to an alleged cat lover isn’t enough reason to want you to rehome your cat. Something here doesn’t add up.
NTA John is your responsibility and if she’s worth keeping around she will give him a chance.
i was stuck on why the cats name needed to remain anonymous for a sad amount of time🤣 Protect his privacy!
As a cat person, I have no patience for people who are overly scared of pets.
I understand that the cat was hostile towards her but, as you said, he’s on medication now and his aggression greatly reduced.
If someone is *that” afraid of a cat they certainly shouldn’t live with it, sure.
But I wouldn’t want to live with someone who can’t deal with my pet.
NAH. You would be TA if you got rid of the cat. You took on a responsibility to care for it it’s whole life, and the way I see it there needs to be a MUCH better reason than “my partner doesn’t like it” if you’re going to go back on that promise. Especially a cat like this, who you know would struggle to be rehomed.
Cat was here first. While I understand her concerns, gf can take it or leave it. She knew the cat was part of the deal. Also, dude… it’s a cat. It’s not like, a huge dog who can fit her head in its mouth. If it ever genuinely goes for her, she will win that fight. That’s like being terrified of a chihuahua. I get it, I also have phobias… but it’s not particularly rational.
NTA. I do tho hope you remember this when you’re thinking of your relationship with your gf. While John is your beloved pet, you are John’s entire life.
John is entirely dependent on you, she is not.
NTA, keep the cat and establish your own boundaries. See how your girlfriend reacts to that. If she wants to be with you, she can compromise. The cat stays.
She’s not a cat lover when a single encounter with an unknown cat makes her terrified of them. And I don’t know how someone can let a cat stalk and corner them, unless it’s a god damn Maine Coon. Sounds more like she’s the “Kodak moment” type of cat lover, someone who just watches funny cat videos and pets the pretty ones, without knowing what it means to actually keep a pet.