So I (early 20s) live with my mom and sibling in an apartment we all shared. The leade is in my name and hers. When we moved in I agreed that the would cover the rent and I’d cover the utilities, which I’ve held up on my end. It was a solid deal for me, and I wasn’t really complaining until now.
About a week ago, my brother told me we got a notice to quit for non payment. I waited a day for my Mom to tell me herself nothing. I brought it up and she said she “had it handled”. I tried to trust that, even though we have had issues with money in the past. Example: my mom maxed out my first credit cards and didn’t pay me back. (I will forever know what an authorized user means)
Then the day before the notice deadline (I still had never seen this notice even though my name is on it) I found out a bit more of the story through my coworkers (we work in housing btw). She had reached out to them asking for help and resources, and they explained to me only options as of now its to pay what’s owed or vacate or we could get evicted.
This isn’t out first notice quit and its the same landlord. We’ve been on a stipulation before with the landlord before but I know even if we pay he could still evict us. He is a nice guy but his attorney could advise him to do otherwise. If that happens my name is on the lease and ruin my future housing.
So I told my mom when I go home that I was considering moving out and getting my own place, not because I wanted to abandon my family but because I can’t afford to risk an eviction on my record. If I could fix everything I would but I don’t have that money! She got really upset and said I was being selfish and I was abandoning her and my brother. She said I had no right to know what was going on because she’s the “head of household” and “Im the child”
I pushed back a little bit and said my name is on the lease and this affects my too. She said I was being disrespectful and couldn’t believe that I didn’t believe she had things handled. I mentioned my coworkers told me about some of this and she accused me of “talking shit” about her. I let her know that they came to me out of concern and she didn’t tell me anything.
Nows she mad, and I feel stuck and I feel guilty.
So guys, AITA for wanting to move out?
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So I (early 20s) live with my mom and sibling in an apartment we all shared. The leade is in my name and hers. When we moved in I agreed that the would cover the rent and I’d cover the utilities, which I’ve held up on my end. It was a solid deal for me, and I wasn’t really complaining until now.
About a week ago, my brother told me we got a notice to quit for non payment. I waited a day for my Mom to tell me herself nothing. I brought it up and she said she “had it handled”. I tried to trust that, even though we have had issues with money in the past. Example: my mom maxed out my first credit cards and didn’t pay me back. (I will forever know what an authorized user means)
Then the day before the notice deadline (I still had never seen this notice even though my name is on it) I found out a bit more of the story through my coworkers (we work in housing btw). She had reached out to them asking for help and resources, and they explained to me only options as of now its to pay what’s owed or vacate or we could get evicted.
This isn’t out first notice quit and its the same landlord. We’ve been on a stipulation before with the landlord before but I know even if we pay he could still evict us. He is a nice guy but his attorney could advise him to do otherwise. If that happens my name is on the lease and ruin my future housing.
So I told my mom when I go home that I was considering moving out and getting my own place, not because I wanted to abandon my family but because I can’t afford to risk an eviction on my record. If I could fix everything I would but I don’t have that money! She got really upset and said I was being selfish and I was abandoning her and my brother. She said I had no right to know what was going on because she’s the “head of household” and “Im the child”
I pushed back a little bit and said my name is on the lease and this affects my too. She said I was being disrespectful and couldn’t believe that I didn’t believe she had things handled. I mentioned my coworkers told me about some of this and she accused me of “talking shit” about her. I let her know that they came to me out of concern and she didn’t tell me anything.
Nows she mad, and I feel stuck and I feel guilty.
So guys, AITA for wanting to move out?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I am leaving my family to figure things out on their own because I am not willing to get an eviction on my record. FAMILY always sticks together and I am leaving at the worst possible time of outer lives
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
Beyond the risk to your credit, there’s a simple truth – eventually you’d want to move out. What’s she going to do? Expect you to live with her forever?
And you absolutely have a right to know. You may be her child, but are not a minor. Your name is on the contract, you signed it. If you were a child, you couldn’t have signed the contract and therefore have no obligations.
Honestly, getting out sounds like the best thing you can do. You’ll have less cash initially, but you won’t have her constantly risking your credit and draining your resources like with that credit card. Because she doesn’t sound trustworthy.
Actually, while you’re at it, check your credit with the credit agencies and then lock your credit. I wouldn’t put it past someone this financially irresponsible to try opening credit cards in your name or taking out loans. And if she does that, your options will be to pay it off to stop it wrecking your credit for the best part of a decade or report her to the police with a real risk of her getting jail time.
NTA. You are no longer ‘the child’ and she is no longer ‘the head of the household’ when your name is on legally binding contracts and you are contributing to the rent/bills. “You’re my mom and I love you, but I’m legally liable for this stuff and I’m not comfortable with you keeping me in the dark. You don’t get to play that game when I’m an adult and contributing to things. If you want to play head of the household, then nothing is in my name and I make no financial contributions. That’s parenting. This? This is us living together as roommates and mutually liable family. I don’t matter less because you birthed me. I matter enough to have my name on stuff. I am no longer the child. I’m YOUR child, but in this instance, I’m a grown-ass adult paying bills. If you can’t respect that, then it probably is better to leave. And without you guilting me about abandoning you. You can’t have it both ways.”
Detach yourself from any financial obligation with het as soon as possible. She’s going to ruin your credit and your ability to buy a house someday. Her excuses and accusations about what you are doing are just manipulation. You can’t trust her. Talk to your landlord about how you can make sure he doesn’t report an eviction on YOU. Even if you have to pay off joint rental debt for a while and rent a cheap room from someone else…your mom is an albatross right now. Escape!
ESH. Your mother for cheating you and deceiving you. And you for entering into a financial arrangement with her after you already knew better from the credit card fiasco. You know: “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
She can accuse you of whatever she wants, but you can’t be financially entangled with her. You already knew that, now you know it even more. Yes get out and live your own financial life.
NTA, not even one little bit. Your mom is destroying your credit. You need to get out and find your own place before you end up with an eviction on your record and cannot get your own place.
She is ruining your credit, she stole from you, why do you trust her?
Talk with the landlord yourself. See if you can get your name off the lease by paying him back half of what is owed. He may take this deal as it would be harder getting everything off your mother. Next move out and financially away from your mother.
NTA
are you being “selfish”? yes…. you are thinking of protecting yourself from being drowned financially by your mother… this is ok and necessary
she has stolen from you, damaged your credit rating and is putting your future shelter needs at risk… it’s time to stop letting her financially abuse you.
You should figure out how to cut ALL financial ties with her. It might be a bit of a pain but you should probably freeze your credit so no cards can be opened in your name just in case she tries to fraudulently open more credit using your SS info.
I advise to never;
Sign a lease/mortgage.
Never co sign on a loan of any type.
Never authorise someone on any of your accounts.
The only way you should do this is if you are married to that person and trust them completely. I personally am not even on my mortgage with my husband, only on the house deed d/t being legally married to him. We do have 1 car loan together, but that’s because ik if anything ever happens I can afford it on my own.
Unfortunately, even if you were to move out right now, unless your mom and brother also vacate, you are still going to likely be facing an eviction. When you co-sign a lease, both people are considered joint and severally liable. This means that you both can be held fully responsible individually — essentially, if back rent is owed, and your mother can’t or is unwilling to pay what is owed, the landlord could legally hold you accountable for repayment in full.
Basically, what you need to do right now, is ignore your coworker, ignore your mother, and, like the adult you are, go talk to the landlord yourself. See if the two of you can work out a compromise or find a solution to the situation that wont result in you having an eviction on your record.
Then, immediately begin the process of financially untangling yourself from your mother. She messed with your credit once before by maxing out a card in your name, and then essentially stole money from you by failing to repay the debt she incurred. And it appears she is repeating that pattern again, only this time in the form of a lease. Do not let her do this to you a third time.
First, freeze your credit — everyone hates to think the worst of their parent, but many, unfortunately, do use their children’s names and SSNs to open accounts without their consent, don’t let this happen to you. Second, refuse to enter into any legally binding agreement with her in the future — no more leases, no loans, no mortgages, nothing, if she is unable to be approved based on her credit alone she can not afford it and you will wind up saddled with the consequences.
NTA
…. Run!