I (27F) have been with my bf (32M) for 2.5 years. For my birthday, I wanted something special. We basically never do romantic things besides hikes (I like them okay, but he lives for them). No dinners, no movies, no city trips… nothing. His take is that cities are “vapid and superficial,” and nature is healthier and “spiritual.”
This year I suggested a weekend in Vienna, Austria. It’s a 4-hour drive from us. I budgeted the whole thing and saved for it; €700 total for both of us (travel, hotel with breakfast, museums, eating out, everything). That’s about €350 each. It would be 2 nights, 3 days. I have a salary of 1300 euros and he has sth similar. Doable, right?
Well… apparently not. He flipped because I wanted to get a hotel room because of breakfast. Because honestly I don’t feel like grocery shopping, prepping, cooking and cleaning food while on such a short trip, and I want to make the most of the city. He says that’s “spoiled” and “snobby.” He said I am acting like a “princess” in a derogatory way.
He offered a compromise:
Get a cheap room (the ones that have shared bathroom with other rooms). And even suggested that we pe-cook 3 days worth of food at home and lug it with us to Vienna so we don’t have to eat out, OR I could eat breakfast out every day if I want but still get the cheap room. Honestly I don’t really feel like sharing my toilet in the morning and waiting in line to piss while some random dude is in there.
Meanwhile, if we go to a café, he says he’ll sit with me but won’t order anything because it’s “too expensive and unhealthy.” He is very much against eating out (thinks it’s splurgy and snobbh). Which sounds less like a birthday trip and more like me eating alone with an audience.
His reasoning: he wants to save money to eventually escape the rat race and buy land/property. Which, fair, I want a house someday too. But does that mean we can’t ever enjoy ourselves in the present?
When I said no to the hostel, he flipped it back on me: “YOU never compromise.” To me, though, “compromise” shouldn’t mean downgrade until only one person is happy.
So now I’m torn:
Do I compromise and risk spending my birthday trip in a sketchy hostel + listening to him grumble about croissants being “luxury”? But MAYBE it might turn out to be a nice trip.
Or do I cancel the whole thing, not see Vienna, but save my sanity?
BTW the hotel room for 2 nights + breakfast is 240 euros
And shared room is 150 euros per night (would have to cook in or eat out breakfast)
AITA for refusing to “compromise” on this?
TL;DR: I saved for a €700 weekend trip to Vienna. My bf insists that’s spoiled and wants us to either cook food in advance or stay in a cheap shared-bathroom hostel. Says I’m the asshole for refusing.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I refused to compromise on my birthday trip plans. My boyfriend wanted a super cheap shared-room hostel and cooking all our meals ahead, but I wanted a basic hotel with breakfast and to enjoy restaurants. I cancelled the trip because I didn’t want to deal with him being grumpy or penny-pinching the whole time.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Girl. He doesn’t want you to spend your money on yourself for your birthday.
Dump him. You don’t deserve to be penny pinched and nickel and dimed for the rest of your life to appease his cheap bullshit.
(Obvs NTA.)
NTA – You should go alone and enjoy yourself. While you’re there think about whether you want to continue this relationship. He’s cheap with you even when you’re paying for most of this trip.
NTA. You saved the money for the trip, it’s your money, your birthday, you get to decide how you want to spend it. Your bf sounds insufferable. Especially since you budgeted things out it shouldn’t be such a issue.
OP, your values are not aligned in the least. Incompatibility, in other words. Thing about it……. do you want this sh*t for the rest of your life ? Please save your sanity the right way by leaving this cheap, holier-than-thou killjoy and finding a kindred spirit. You are so worth it…..
Why would you want to date someone like that? That sounds like absolutely no fun ever unless it’s exactly how he wants it to be, which is cheap and miserable. You’re allowed to enjoy your life and have treats now and again.
NTA Go by yourself and have a great time! You don’t need him spoiling your weekend.
NTA, why are you with this man? It doesn’t sound like he likes or respects you or that your goals are aligned. Is this what you want for your life?
Option 3: dump this condescending loser and enjoy your trip by yourself with all the croissants you want. NTA.
NTA
You don’t have a boyfriend; you have someone who wants to be your better in every way. He knows more about health, finances, travel and the proper life path, so it irritates him when you question his methods and superior knowledge.
You’ve been given insight into your future. Choose wisely.
NTA. GO ALONE SAVE $ BY LEAVING HIM AT HOME. HAVE A AWESOME WEEKEND AND A HAPPY BIRTHDAY
NTA. This man sounds excessively cheap and stingy. Is that something you want to deal with for the rest of your life? Sounds like a dismal life. It’s okay to splurge sometimes and it sounds like he isn’t willing to do that for you at all.
NTA. Keep the trip, and go with someone that respects you more than your boyfriend (family, friend, a homeless person, literally ANYONE ELSE).
Honestly, you should ask yourself: “is this the kind of persons you want to spend the rest of your life with?”
Not only is he stingy, he is also downright disrespectful. Your needs and wishes are treated with such disregard, that it makes you wonder if he even considers you a partner.
He’s not asking for you to compromise, he’s asking you to cancel yourself and to accept his way. And that is just not acceptable
MORE Info: Is this a regular occurrence, as a couple you do whatever your BF wants to do and anything requires spending money that you want to do is a no? Saving to buy land/property is a goal, but is it going to just be his land? Will you also have claim to it? Or is he against any spending that doesn’t align with his goal?
I don’t know what the going rate for hotels in Vienna are. Are the reviews of breakfast good?
This could just be a big glaring notice that you two are not compatible long term, you want to do things like this occasionally and he does not. Not wanting to cook, clean, or wait in line for the toilet for your morning piss during your birthday trip is not princess behavior. Calling you
I have friends who do the whole self catered thing for holidays and it’s not my thing. I cook/clean almost every single day of the year and if I’m going on vacation, I do not want to cook or clean.
I will say if he goes on this trip, it sounds like he will be making snide or derogatory remarks about the city, the price of things, etc the whole time.
Do you really want to be with a man like that for the foreseeable future? Think about it. Preferably while on holiday without him moaning and ruining it. NTA
Run, girl.
Ugh, he sounds like a pretentious miser. Also sounds like you would be doing all the food prep, not him?
You should take a friend or go by yourself and enjoy yourself.
NTA. Yes of course saving up for a house and land is important. But that’s not the issue. It’s looking like everything is about what HE wants, not what you or even you BOTH wants. And not just about the birthday. About everything. You need to leave this guy and find someone who shares your dreams, or at the very least, doesn’t make you feel rubbish about wanting something different from him. If you stay, you’ll be missing out on incredible experiences, and you will grow very resentful. Cut your losses now, hard though it may be. He’s not going to change and you are going to be upset and miserable every time you want to do something that doesn’t fit HIS idea of fun. Best of luck!
Oh and if you can, go and enjoy Vienna, even alone. It’s a beautiful city!
NTA. It doesn’t sound like you are compatible. This isn’t about the trip, it’s about the fact your partner can’t seem to understand what you need. Or understands it and doesn’t care. 🚩
NTA It’s your money and your birthday!! Go to Austria by yourself, have an amazing time, and think about whether y’all are compatible.
I get wanting to be financially responsible, but holy heck, who can’t even put in the effort for their partner’s birthday? Cause you planned everything and are paying for your part, so this sounds like a birthday gift from you to yourself! Which is great, but what exactly is he doing here other than complain??
NTA
I would find someone who shares your ambitions and doesn’t make everything about him. He has just proved that he doesn’t want to do anything that you want to, but expects you to do what he wants.
NTA. Why is he making decisions for your birthday when you’re the one paying for it? He wants you to save money so he can be property in the future? That’s all fine and dandy, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t celebrate a proper birthday every now and again. You 2 aren’t even engaged and he’s already planning to use your money to buy property.
He can’t be making all the life decisions here. You can have a say too and the fact that you will pay for the trip should be enough for him to just go along and have fun.
It’s funny that he’s the one calling things snobby when HE’S the one who comes over as a snob. He doesn’t like to do anything that you consider fun and just wants to do things he wants to, because he looks down on the things you think are fun. You 2 sound very incompatible. Money issues will come up again and again in your relationship. Especially when it’s something that YOU want to do. He is the one not compromising and it’s just not fair to you.
So YOU saved up, for YOUR birthday, and he freaked out? He should be thankful to have a girlfriend like you. NTA
Go without him.
NTA – plan and go in the trip without him! You deserve so much better. He is not living and enjoying life now in this moment. The future is never guaranteed for any of us.
He also seems manipulative and mean. You should think about if you want to spend your life with this person. Seems like it would be miserable.
NTA and he sounds unbearable. Let him go and lie in the grass, Vienna is a great city and I hope you enjoy it. Alone or with a friend.
You’re welcome to go with someone else. He has a plan. Good for him. You don’t see eye to eye. No compromises are going to work out. NAH
NTA for wanting a trip you like. I AM confused about the salary. Is this half a week’s pay, two, a month? If so, I understand trying to make it slightly cheaper.
BUT I’d sit down and flesh out those plans for off grid living…. Is he expecting you to build i a home yourselves to save money? Live without heat and running water? If he only values nature, would he not want you to socialize where people are, you know, towns? Church, children’s groups, any in person sport or hobby really.
He sounds like a miserly hermit who wants a mate to take back to a cave.
When people talk about couples sharing the same bigger picture, they don’t just mean kids and jobs and when to buy a house. They also mean everyday enjoyment, especially when it comes to how you envision spending your limited time and money on this planet. Find someone who values your values. NTA.
Hecsounds like a big pill to swallow. I can’t wait for opportunities to spoil my wife. NTA, what you want is completely reasonable. Seems you have a clash of interests and you should work on resolving that in some manner.
NTA.
But this is who your bf is. He’s not going to change and his attitude sounds petulant and exhausting. He doesn’t seem to respect your point of view on anything and is the type who needs to have his way and be right.
Does he ever compromise with you? Or are you the one who is always changing your preferences to fit with him?
You can find a better partner. Tbh, being alone would be better than what you’re describing here.
NTA and third option go with a friend or by yourself on the trip you want
Go without him.
Go to Vienna. Go on your own, ( double the budget! Have some luxury) or take someone who actually cares about you a friend, a relative, whatever. And think about what you want from the future. Do you want to live with someone who resents even occasional treats, do you actually want to buy land out in the middle of nowhere, do you want to live with someone who doesn’t seem to value you, or to treat your wishes with respect? NTA
The issue runs deeper here – the guy wants you to live life HIS WAY ONLY. Everything has to be done the way he wants to and YOUR INTERESTS DO NOT MATTER TO HIM.
Look back at your 2.5 years of being together and try to remember instances where he has adjusted his expectations or opinions to do something you enjoy/want. I don’t think you would remember any.
NTA
Nta-maybe ditch the boy and go solo.
NTA
I get if money was the issue but it sounds like you planned for this trip. He’s got some red flag with how he’s treating you – belittling your wants because they aren’t what he deems appropriate is pretty controlling if you ask me. It’s quite telling that he isn’t going along with what you want for YOUR birthday.
Do you really want to put up with this for the rest of your life? He sounds insufferable. NTA
NTA but he sure is. Its your birthday and special day and if he isn’t going to appreciate that then go alone. You don’t need that negative energy. As a spiritual person if he cannot meet you to where you are then he’s letting ego take over. And that’s not very spiritual.
NTA. Take a friend and enjoy the trip. No wonder he doesnt like the city – it sounds like he doesnt take advantage of what it has to offer. Get on the same page regarding finances now or it will be an issue throught the rest of your relationship
NTA. Go without him & honestly you guys aren’t compatible. Do you want to compromise of every birthday you have for the rest of your life because going out to eat is splurgy and snobby?
NTA and dump him
NTA, it’s not a compromise, it would be capitulation. Those are not the same things. Don’t do it! Take a friend and actually enjoy yourself. He can stay home and be cheap while you treat your very deserving self.
NTA
My ex was stingy as well – always wanting the cheap room etc even when we could afford it. Which is very tiring when what you want at the end of a long drive is somewhere comfortable to sleep. I mean the F1 hotels (I don’t think they’re around now) were ok for a stopover before getting the Channel Tunnel back home but not for every night of a trip.
There are times when we need to enjoy ourselves and why not? Go on the weekend but go by yourself. Enjoy the city. Have some delicious Austrian pastries and coffee.
>he wants to save money to eventually escape the rat race and buy land/property. Which, fair, I want a house someday too.
The question here is how will this work eventually? Is he considering a back-to-the-land lifestyle and if so, are you up for it? Because it doesn’t sound to me as if he is willing to spend money on anything that doesn’t require a lot of hard work.
I think your relationship needs re-evaluating. Look at what it may be like five or ten years down the line and see if you find it something you can invest in. Because if not, consider what you want and go for it.
NTA what do YOU actually enjoy? You are only 27.
Please don’t let this man ruin your youth and future.
He sounds like someone that will never be happy and he clearly never considers your needs.
It’s all good to work hard to buy a house (he might want to put his energy towards finding a better paid job quite frankly) my husband and I focused on that too, however you still need to live your life at least in some way. But the future he envisions, is that also what you want? living off grid? He doesn’t treat you like someone he loves now, it wont get better later on.
NTA, it’s your birthday, not a budgeting boot camp. Wanting a decent hotel and to enjoy meals out isn’t “spoiled,” it’s normal.
NTA. I agree with everyone who says do the trip on your own, with another friend. That way your ridiculous bf can save his money.
You two are not compatible, and that’s ok. Just consider whether you both can respectfully acknowledge that and live with it or not going forward.
tough one to judge, for me personally.
his reaction is a bit extreme, for sure. but at the same time, spending 350 euro when you only pull in 1300 seems…. extreme.
i think your boyfriend is definitely not reacting well. but depending on your overall financial situation, and his especially, i think you could be expecting too much. i live in america, so am not sure how far 1300 euros goes where you are, or how much debt you’re in, or how much debt your boyfriend is in.
if he’s in no debt and this was proposed a few months in advance with time to plan, NTA. however, if this is the case, i think you two are incompatible — his financial goals are different from yours. finances are the number one reason people break up, and having this different of views on finance when you’re not in debt is a massive red flag.
but, if he’s in debt and is concerned about that, then ESH — him because of his reaction, you for expecting him to worsen his financial situation just because it’s your birthday — birthdays come around every year, they are not an excuse to splurge on things when you don’t have the money for it.
honestly, even if the second situation is the case, you’re still likely incompatible. your financial outlooks are just too different from each other, i’d seriously consider where you see this relationship going and whether it makes sense to continue with such differing financial views and goals.
NTA – So let me get this right. He doesn’t care to do anything you want to do. Talks down on the things you like. He doesn’t like you spending your own money on yourself because he sees your money as an extension of his own. Makes it your fault when there’s something HE doesn’t like.
Anything else in your relationship you aren’t allowed to do, even though you feel they are reasonable, because he doesn’t want you to? Even your comments are telling me he only cares about what he gets out of things, not at all what you get, even emotionally. Do you really want that in a partner?
Listen to grandma here—a person that cheap is also cheap with their love, affection & trust. Fuck that & fuck that guy. NTA
NTA. And also not compatible. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Why don’t you take the trip alone or with a friend. I think you should go and do what you want to and leave the stick in the mud at home.
NAH. Misery loves company and it sounds like you are the perfect company. You are going to live miserably if you stay. You need to find happiness within. Good luck!
Please go on your trip alone or with a friend. Your boyfriend is TA. Is this the life you want for yourself?
Why are you with this man?
Please break up with this awful controlling excuse for a boyfriend.
He would be miserable the entire time and made sure you would be too by reminding you that you’re doing nothing but wasting money. Your money is his money
NTA, honestly dump him and spend 700EUR on yourself for a city break in Vienna! It’s a great city.
Also, if he wants to save and “escape the rat race” to buy land, he doesn’t ever envision city trips or hotels in his future. Which is great for some people, but it sounds like that might not be the case for you.
Celebrate with a sister, your mother, friends. Leave the tightwad sitting at home alone.
Girl please don’t waste your time with someone you’re incompatible with. I did at your age and now I’m stuck, worst decision I’ve ever made. NAH, you’re both just too different
You’re wasting your life with this guy. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him and find someone compatible.
NTA – It’s really clear to me that you two are simply incompatible. I think his stance is quite extreme (cities=bad, anything in cities=bad), there will be someone out there who shares it, but you clearly do not. You will likely have an easier time finding someone compatible.
I also notice that he acts like everything he likes is morally right, and everything he doesn’t like is morally wrong. You aren’t just free to have different opinions about things. He has to give you reasons and prove you wrong. That’s no way to live.
Edit to add: This reads like you you made several compromises in coming up with this plan just to make it something he would consider. You saved up the money to pay for your own birthday trip, so it doesn’t even cost him anything. He doesn’t see those as compromises at all. If you stay with him, remember that and present what you really want to do first next time. Then compromise down to what you will settle for.
The only answer truly is to go on a solo trip and ditch the killjoy.
He sounds like a pretentious tool.
You will have a much nicer life when you let go of the person you thought you loved, but actually just tolerated.
NTA, I understand that it has been 2.5 years but to be angry about spending money that YOU saved to do something nice for YOUR birthday is deeper than this. You (somewhat) reluctantly go hiking all the time to appease him but what is he doing for you? You’re NTA and neither is he, really, you’re just very different people.
Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Because he’s being very, very clear about the lifestyle you’re going to get with him.
NTA, idk your relationship beyond what you’ve written but it does not seem like he values what you want and it seems he is the partner not willing to compromise. I would suggest bringing someone else like a friend or family member you are close to who you think might enjoy this type of trip so you can truly enjoy it. It might also be a good time to examine if you feel valued/heard by your partner or if these kinds of trips and the lack of dates etc are things you are okay with never having. I say this as it seems they will not happen in this relationship without him complaining or trying to “compromise” to do what he would like instead and that doesn’t have to be how your relationship/life look. You deserve a relationship that serves you as well and I hope you are able to enjoy your birthday the way you want to!
NTA but way go with this guy? Can you go with literally anyone else? Family, friends or even a coworker would be better then this dude who would suck the life out of the trip even if everything went his way
Side note- Cities are just as spiritual as nature- just in the human spirit
NTA.
It doesn’t read like you two are compatible for a long term relationship. This will be the rest of your life. What kind of wedding do you want? What kind of vacations do you want to take with your kids? Hell, what kind of weekends do you want with them? Are you really ok with never doing anything special for the rest of your life?
(I’m not saying his way of life is bad – but is it actually for you? Forever is a long time.)
In the short term – take this trip with a friend and have the birthday you want. Maybe being apart from him for a bit will help give.you clarity on how you want your life to be.
I would compromise by bringing someone else!
Lose this man who won’t compromise to do things that YOU like.
NTA
Everything is fine as long as you do everything he wants. You’ve probably been giving in, for a while.
NTA. My husband and I live a very similar lifestyle where we don’t go out to eat. We make all of our meals at home and save where we can. We really don’t travel much, etc. BUT there is a time and place for this. If we want to go out on the town, we go all in (as much as is financially responsible). The all or nothing mentality your partner has is fine I guess. But to have it all of the time leaves no room for balance imo. It also seems like it wants to force that on you and wants you to want the exact things as him. It sounds like you compromise just fine for everything else. You’re allowed to have a weekend to do something different.
Also I don’t understand the going out to eat is snobby thing?? That just isn’t true lol. What’s snobby is going out to eat and abusing your waiter because you think they’re lesser than you. The act of having someone else cook for you isn’t snobby at all. Especially when that someone owns a restaurant and wants people to enjoy their food.
Anyway, this all sounds like very black and white thinking coming from your partner.
You two are not compatible. save yourself the time and troublr and cut him loose now.
NTA. It does sound like you expect him to pay half, so I can understand him wanting some input and choosing not to eat out at restaurants. Honestly, you don’t sound compatible, and he does sound judgmental of you, which will be really hard to live with.
NTA but like, why are you even with him? He sounds like he could kill a wet dream.
And you want to buy a house with this cheapskate? Go on the trip and dump his cheap ass.
NTA – Please go to Vienna alone and save yourself €350.
Nta. Just go by yourself. You will have a better time. Also use your time to evaluate the relationship.
NTA – go alone or go with a friend bc he’s just going to ruin it for u
NTA, self worth. It will make you feel like you matter. It’s called being compassionate. Tell him to try it, before you realize how much you’re worth to the right person.
Do you actually want to scrimp and save for all of your youth so you can live on the land as per Mr Grumpy’s fantasy?
This is a major philosophical difference. I get being frugal, but your boyfriend is really extreme, to the point that you will never be able to go on a normal vacation if you are with this guy. Ask yourself if that’s something you’re ok with. I sure wouldn’t be. You are NTA but think hard about whether this is someone you can build a future with.
NTA but you don’t sound compatible at all.
Misery loves company. YWBTA if you continued in this level of unhappiness. Let Scrooge live by himself.
So why do you like him? Sounds like a toad. You are young girl! Go have some fun with a friend! Lose the boat anchor guy.
NTA. Dump the guy. Sounds like this guy is a financial miser… not a financial mutant.
NTA
It’s your birthday and he refuses to compromise to give you a nice weekend! How much is the rest of your life comprised for his benefit? Probably a lot more than he does for you.
Please go to Vienna and have a bday trip you will love- without your partner. That way you can have a lovely time while realizing maybe he’s not someone you want to share your life with . Happy birthday 🎂
NTA – you are allowed to spend your birthday however you see fit. Asking a significant person in your life to accompany you on a special day is not outragous. it seems to me like the BF is bringing his desire to hike into this (packed food, bad sleep) and doing so in a way that is dismissive of your thoughts and feelings. You guys both have preferences yet, his preferences are the only ones that matter in his eyes. Not to mention women have vastly different experiences with hostels than men, therefore adding safety into the mix.
I don’t believe that he is obligated to spend this money just because it’s your birthday. That being said, you should travel with someone that feels they get to spend this time and money with you. Friend, sibling, you name it, spend this special day with someone that will actually celebrate you.
NTA, but you are forgetting a 3rd option. Dump him and his controlling self and go enjoy your birthday how YOU want (and can afford).
Nta, obviously. Honestly, go by yourself. It’ll cost a hair more, but you’re worth it. You haven’t had anything nice in a long time. Get the hotel room, heck get a to bed and breakfast. Go out to eat. Go pay to see a nice play and don’t get nose bleed seats. Think about your life and if this man is bringing you happiness. Maybe you get yourself a new ex if you really want to splurge.
Go without him. Have a friend go with you have the birthday you deserve
Also, you two may be fundamentally incompatible. No shade, just wired differently
NTA but it sounds like you & your bf are not on the same page in this relationship and it’s causing resentment and conflict. I think you can care about someone and love them but in the end they just aren’t right for you.
I can’t see your relationship lasting long term as your goals and what you want to do even aren’t the same. I think you’re two different people and you both need to sit down and have a long conversation about what you truly want, what you each are willing to compromise and meet each other half way with. If these do t align I think you should end the relationship and find someone more compatible with yourself.
Neither of you are really an asshole. Its a way of life but Im not sure the long term compatibility if these are your viewpoints. You deserve a trip for your birthday but he has the right to spend his money how he wants. I think you need to sit down wuth him and talk about what you think your lives will look like 5, 10 years down the road. Are you just never going to travel or enjoy yourself? Once you buy a house with land your money will be going upkeep, furnishing a home… do you want kids? Because if you think he’s stingy now he certainly won’t be thrilled to take 2 or 3 kids to Disney.
NTA, but it seems like you both prioritize different things and maybe aren’t compatible long term.
>he wants to save money to eventually escape the rat race and buy land/property. Which, fair, I want a house someday too. But does that mean we can’t ever enjoy ourselves in the present?
This sounds like you think once you have a house that he will want to start eating out and doing other things you enjoy. But you need to understand, that he is ALREADY doing things he enjoys! You are the only one sacrificing doing things they enjoy. He is not doing the things you enjoy because he does not enjoy them. He’s not going to magically start thinking that it’s not “splurgy and snobby” to go out to eat simply because he got a house.
God, he sounds insufferable. Do you want to live like this the rest of your life?
NTA.
It seems you and your partner are not compatible.
He’s a stuck up know it all who’s all about ME ME ME.
You are willing to compromise. He won’t ever consider doing something just because you enjoy it. If it’s not in his interest, he’ll veto it.
Go by yourself, or take a good friend and break up with this selfish piece of work.
He sucks and is boring. Move on queen.
NTA. Your bf is not “spiritual” in the least. He’s a self-righteous, pompous, controlling narcissist whose only happiness comes from making you miserable. Ffs get rid. There are so many red flags here I don’t even know where to start. It’s YOUR BIRTHDAY, WOMAN! Stop trying to justify simply existing.
You compromise too much already by going on his hikes as your only outings so far. Now it’s his turn to compromise and he is not going to. Ask yourself 2 questions. Will you enjoy this holiday if he is with you? Why are you with someone who demands everything be done his way?
NTA! I hate when the Reddit answer to any relationship issue is always to break up, but this is a scenario where I have to agree with everyone. Do you really want to battle the rest of your life over the money you earn? Why does he get to dictate everything both of you do when you work just as hard and earn the same as he does? He will use half your money to buy this land and then tell you there’s no reason to ever leave home. You have everything you need right there. If you want children at some point is this the life you want for them? To never experience any of the outside world? Take the trip with a girlfriend, family member or go alone. Celebrate your birthday and new found independence in one!
Just ask yourself if this really how you want to live your life. NTA.
NTA – it’s your BIRTHDAY!! Go on the trip. Rethink the boyfriend.
NTA. Get that birthday trip and find yourself a new boyfriend that knows how to treat you and isn’t controlling.
He should have get himself an avid hiker if that’s all he wants to do with his partner.
You can stay with this BF but then you’ll need to change your expectations for the rest of your life. Or you can leave him and enjoy your birthday and find someone who is compatible with the things you want in life.
Nta- go without him
NTA.
I understand being thrifty, but even some of the best financial advisors say it’s good to allow yourself a treat once in a while. I recommend reading “The Richest Man In Babylon.”
Also, your boyfriend sounds awful. I really don’t think you are of the same mindset on some very basic lifestyle choices.
This relationship has an expiration date
NTA
Does this man have any redeeming qualities? He sounds awful.
People show you who they are, believe them. Do you seriously want to be tethered to this insufferable man for the rest of your life? It may be time to cut him loose.
NTA
I live paycheck to paycheck but still save money for a trip every year.
Because life is too damn short to spend the majority of it working miserably, penny pinching and having no joy.
NTA. Better yet, go without him. Tell him that you are going to celebrate your birthday the way you planned. That you want this one trip and to just relax. It’s not going to make you into an American. Lol, I couldn’t resist as I know we spend way too much on luxury and convenience.
OR go yourself and have the best time!
NTA. Dump the boyfriend, enjoy your birthday. Think of how much joy and freedom you’ll have in your life once he’s gone.
Girl, this man is going to force you to live off the land someday.
He won’t even go to a restaurant for a bday celebration? Is that what you want for your life?
NTA
NTA, you’re not married to this Scrooge, go by yourself or invite a friend, enjoy yourself and then return to reevaluate this relationship.
I am reading your comments and it’s abundantly clear that you two don’t share the same vision or goals, and he’s too emotionally immature to even be willing to compromise his lofty vision enough for you to enjoy a special treat that you budgeted and carefully planned for.
Is this really the life you want for yourself, and if the two of you plan to have a family, for your children? The Martha Stewart cozy cottage of your dream doesn’t fit his dream of clearing land for the sustainable garden which you, my dear, not him, will be bent over, getting up early to feed livestock while sleep deprived from all night tending to the young ones while he snores gently. Now if this is the life you can adjust to, and set aside your own for, no worries. But if it isn’t, staying with this guy seems to be a waste of both of your time – you’re not each other’s person.
This snapshot of this years birthday is the rest of your life. You go along with his plan this year it is a pattern for every birthday as long as you two are together. Also every anniversary.
If that’s what you want for your future, go for it. Doesn’t sound like you do. Other compromises to come.
Take the trip with a friend who wants the same experience as you and WANTS TO CELEBRATE YOU!
It’s your birthday – enjoy it your way.
NTA Do you have combined finances? If so split them now. Take whatever you deposited into the savings account and open a separate one. TODAY. This isn’t going to end well for you.
NTA. Go by yourself and have a fabulous time! Spend the whole 700€ on things you want to do. You work hard — you deserve to spend a reasonable amount of money for fun!
NTA
You guys don’t seem compatible. Really think about if you want to have this fight for the rest of your life.
NTA vacation should be fun and a nice hotel is a great treat . But, this is a sign you guys are NOT on the same page moving forward . Does he expect you to buy a used wedding dress ( if you want to that’s fine but expecting it is different)
NTA. You guys aren’t compatible. And he’s controlling.
From what I see, you’re the one that has been compromising, and he gaslit you to say that you never compromise. 🚩🚩🚩
This is not partnership. This is controlling. When you don’t have a choice and the other person decides everything based on their own preference, you’re just an employee. Who pays for the privilege of not getting what you want or prefer. Sounds miserable. NTA
I laughed at the meal prep for a vacation. Dumbest thing I’ve heard and I imagine he would make her prep all the meals. He sounds miserable and joyless.
The two of you seem fundamentally incompatible. Neither is wrong. You’re just different and have different priorities.
His unwillingness to compromise is a real problem, though. Do you want to spend your life with this guy who is going to force you to live the life he wants but you do not?
NTA – I had to double check, bf, not husband! Don’t marry him. He is controlling, and sounds like a jerk! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩♾️
NTA. Time to throw out the whole man.
Seriously. I don’t like cities myself (don’t like crowds), but having a personal preference doesn’t make one inherently virtuous. This guy is a pretentious ass, and I am willing to bet he’s more willing to open a wallet (especially yours) if it’s something he wants.
NTA It’s your birthday, you deserve to feel special in a way that matters to you. Most treat birthdays as a celebration, but instead treat it as milestone in evaluating your own life. Reflect on what you have, want, and where you see yourself in the future. Do not settle, life is short. You deserve to be the princess in your own story, but is he your prince?
NTA. OP, he sounds exhausting and judgemental af. You’re still young and have only been with him for 2.5 years.
Is this really the kind of person you want to spend your life with? No special days or trips. No random fun adventures.
Go to Vienna and enjoy yourself. Maybe invite a close friend to go with you. While you’re there, please step away from the present and truly ponder the future.
Also, if you have kids with this man, will he be willing to invest in their childhoods? I’m not saying money is everything, but I’m worried he’ll be just as judgmental about your children.
Why are you dating this joyless bully?
NTA. Let’s cut through the chase and see that this guy is not interested in pleasing or honoring your wishes on your BD. Why do you stay with someone who does not value your desires and, in essence, YOU like you want and deserve.
Seems that BF is fine doing what he wants and not fine if you have something else in mind. Personally, I would not waste my time with someone who doesn’t care to ever compromise or to be fair, considerate and caring of me. He seems to make no bones about what he is all about — himself and his wants. Maybe it’s time you thought about whether this is the life you want. It won’t get better; trust me on this.
Girl, go yourself and have a lovely joyous birthday trip. Ignore this nonsense of lugging food and sharing a bathroom. Go alone, enjoy this gorgeous city, and have happy happy birthday!!
NTA
Your bf is the definition of yucking your yum. His opinions on how you spend your money and your birthday are judgemental, dismissive, and rude. They also claim moral superiority based on his personal feelings about perfectly normal and morally neutral things, like hotel rooms and the city. There is no higher moral standing here, but he is taking his opinion and claiming superiority, then holding you to that based on what? Who knows. It’s one thing to be frugal, but if that means that nobody in your life is allowed to spend money for any reason that isn’t necessary to sustain life then you’ve reached the point where it’s not about frugality anymore, it’s about control. And yes, making you feel judged and uncomfortable to get you to comply is manipulation and controlling.
Please never marry this man. He will never let you make any decisions without pressuring you to do it his way and making you feel like you make bad choices when you disagree with him. That’s not a great starting point for any relationship, but especially not a marriage.
NTA. Go on the trip and cancel the boyfriend. He sounds miserable and exhausting.
NTA honestly sounds like your boyfriend is the one who can’t compromise and wants to dictate every aspect of your activities. Have you considered going on a birthday trip with a friend instead? Or you can do a solo trip. Better you enjoy your birthday on your own than have to share a bathroom with strangers because your boyfriend has decided anything resembling a nice trip is being spoilt and snobby.
Your boyfriend isn’t going to change though so if you don’t share his enthusiasm for his lifestyle maybe it’s time consider if you have a future together.
Are you in love with him? Do you like him? What keeps you in the relationship?
Cancel him and go live a little. He sounds miserable and he clearly likes making you that way.
NTA
NAH. You just are not compatible. Sexual, Spiritual, and Financial are the three keys areas in relationship compatibility.
Nta. You have very conflicting lifestyles. Penny-pinching is not his Only issue. He sounds like he has a very hard time in city escapes while you are interested in visiting and touringHe sounds like he has a very hard time in city escapes while you are interested in visiting and touring. This may not be the most suitable relationship for you Long-term unless you plan to accept his lifestyle as the only lifestyle option.
There is nothing wrong with trying to save money especially if you are saving for A massive expense down the road but don’t sacrifice Small expenses now that will make you happy only to suffer for several years And quite possibly be very miserable. Sometimes it’s the small things in life that help get through the dredge of life.
You find a boyfriend who is less of a damp gym sock. NTA. Treat yourself to a nice trip and a nicer man.
NTA. Your partner sounds like the type of person that will never let you have any fun for the rest of your life and if you don’t get them ‘retrained’ then you will spend the rest of your life miserable. He also needs to hear this from someone like you now – that if he ever wants to maintain a relationship then he either needs to find a person that is willing to live like a monk for the rest of their lives or he needs to learn the meaning of the word ‘compromise’.
Hon this is how he will be for the rest of your life. Find a man who is generous both with his money and affection and time. They usually go hand in hand tbh.
Go alone and find a partner who shares your wants and needs
Why are you dating him? He’s trying to force his values on to you and that’s unreasonable.
NTA. But more importantly: is this what you want the rest of your life to be like? I think you need to lol beyond this one disagreement and consider if you’re compatible long term.
NTA. Life is too short when you can actually budget!
Darling, this man doesn’t like you. No one who loves you will be this hung up on your birthday plans.
It’s YOUR birthday, not only is he not surprising you with a birthday trip or anything to celebrate, he’s trying to stop the celebration you planned for yourself!
Have you ever looked at his bank account statement?
I am sure he spends money extravagantly in his own way.
My father was like this, extreme penny pinching with the family but we later found out that he always splurged on dinners with his work friends.
He just hated my mother and made her pay for any nice thing.
He probably spends a lot of money on hiking gear and shoes. He just doesn’t like spending money on things that are important to you.
There’s a third option. Go to Vienna alone and have a great weekend. NTA
He sounds totally insufferable. Do not compromise on your birthday trip and take a friend or family member who will celebrate your special day and make your trip enjoyable.
NTA, but your boyfriend sure is!
In Europe, how is a croissant a luxury? Misery must be a virtue to him. NTA
NTA. It sounds like you planed and budgeted for a nice trip, and I’m sorry your values don’t seem to align with your bfs.
Have you two had a conversation about your savings percentages (r/FIRE), what buckets you’re allocating what money to (r/YNAB), and what you want your future to look like together (r/FinancialIndependence)?
NTA. Your birthday, your money, your plans. Take someone else who will actually enjoy a trip to Vienna? Go by yourself and think about the future? He’s being totally unreasonable and will drain all the fun out of a trip you saved for.
NTA. Just go alone
NTA
Biggest question in huge flashing neon lights: IS THIS HOW YOU WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
It will only get worse. He will become more controlling.
You will be misersble.
Go by yourself
NAH – you guys just aren’t compatible
NTA but do you ever get to do anything you want to do? He sounds unbearable!
He is just CHEAP. He uses the other reasons for justifying his cheapness. Look at other areas in his life. Is he unwilling to spend money on things he wants too or only on things you want?
NTA
But I would dump him and take the trip myself and spend that extra 350 on myself XD
Girl, why are you dating a broke boy? Is this what you want the rest of your life to look like? Is this someone you’d want to have children with?
I can’t imagine you sprung this on him. He’s being lazy and cheap. Why pay for food when you’ll make it and pay for it. It’s just gross all around. Like is he this stingy with his affection too?
Take a friend and make him an ex. And it’ll be your best birthday yet.
NTA. Option 3, go solo. It’s your birthday, you shouldn’t really have to compromise all that much. Especially when considering what you’re proposing is not over the top in any way. It’d be one thing if you wanted to spend two grand a night on some ridiculous hotel room. If you have shared finances and shared financial goals I could see someone taking issue with that.
For what it’s worth I agree with your partner about the nature of cities and getting out of the rat race. I’d much rather spend the money on a beautiful glamping trip in the Alps. But that is me. And you should absolutely work towards that goal and enjoy life in the meantime. But it takes hard work and being with the right person to find that kind of balance in your life. Doesn’t seem like you guys are aligned enough for the long term, unless one of you takes a pretty big turn.
Never date members of the far-right. NTA
NTA. Is this shown you want to spend the rest of your life?
Think about it carefully, because someone like this will not change. You will forever be shortchanged on life experience and memories.
What you are asking for is not unreasonable especially considering you never go out to eat, you don’t go to the cinemas, probably don’t go to the theater or do any special outings that might involve an entry fee, never get to go into the city….
NTA, is he one of those types on reddit who save like 95% of their income, to retire in 20 years, and when retired they basically continue living in the same miserly way as possible?
If so, you have to decide if this what you want because basically any type of fun expense is going to lead to an argument and a tantrum. To be honest, it already sounds like you dont enjoy this kind of living and are just humoring him.
Nta I didn’t even read all of this crazy. This guy kills all joy.
Why are you even dating him?
Yuk. What a wet blanket. You two just don’t see eye to eye.
Run, Forrest, run ! 🏃♀️
My wife’s ex BF sounds like your BF. She loves to travel and while she’s not a big spender, she didn’t think it too much to ask to go to a decent dinner on a weekend trip to New York City. Or to take the train rather than the 5 hr long bus ride that gets jammed up in traffic. etc etc
A few trips where he was a total cheapskate apparently was enough for her, as she’s recounted the story to me.
The two of you are not compatible.
NTA and it is ok to spoil yourself. Like another said, go by yourself or take a friend who enjoys the same things you do. And dump this guy who doesn’t think you’re worth it.
I say cancel …… the boyfriend. Honestly, long term this isn’t going to work. You aren’t in sync and neither of you is wrong for having your likes or dislikes, only for imposing them on the other or for not being willing to do both at different times. It sounds like in this relationship you are the one to give up on your wants and needs but he doesn’t. I promise you, this relationship will not last long term. Leave him now and take a BFF on the trip and enjoy!
Dump him and go with a friend. I dont know how you put up with someone who doesn’t want you to be happy and so unbearably cheap! NTA!
Or, go by yourself and enjoy your birthday. Use that time to also reflect if this man and his ways are what you want for the rest of your life.
Take a friend instead. I understand not wanting to spend frivolously to derail financial goals but being able to spend for a special occasion should be worked into your goals. Even if you save a small amount for 6 months to afford the trip, it should be part of the plan.
If you have different philosophies on spending this will always be an issue. I have friends who are married to CHEAP men and basically see everything as spoiled and unnecessary. It causes a ton of issues and they always feel undervalued because they don’t feel worth the occasional splurge.
Really consider if you want to live your life with this dude. I wouldn’t.
Drop the bf and take one of your friends or a cousinor something. It’s your birthday and the trip.is about you. You don’t seem like you’re happy with how he’s acting and that you don’t get to do anything fun except what he likes. That’s not a relationship and it’s not compromise. It’s him being an ass until you give in and give him what he wants. That’s not a partnership. You need to find someone who aligns more with your views. It’s ok to want a special trip for your day. And you need someone who wants to makr your day special. So it’s not always healthy to eat out. But it’s ok to treat yourself and plenty of restaurants now have healthy options. You’re allowed to be “selfish” sometimes. You have to take care of you first. Good luck. Updateme
NTA
Ok so he doesn’t do romance, at all, and belittles you when you try. How, exactly, is this man your partner instead of a roommate you fuck? Because it doesn’t sound like he treats you romantically or provides for you emotionally.
Do you have a bestie you can take or a relative? This trip seems very doable. You guys have different values. It’s your birthday. He should be willing to compromise a day for you, especially since you already made it easy enough. Sounds like you’ve already compromised enough.
This guy is a reverse snob, rigid and crapping all over things he deems to be “fancy” and “unnecessary.” You scored a great deal and that is a very reasonable splurge. This is not a healthy relationship. Your man talks down to you, doesn’t seem to care about what makes you happy, and doesn’t truly want a compromise. I’m guessing he behaves similarly in other situations, too.
My advice? Go by yourself or with a friend because you know he’ll do everything in his power to whine, complain, and ruin your vacation. Have a lovely trip and please re-evaluate if you want to deal with this guy for the rest of your life. You deserve so much better than this.
There is a line between saving for the future and not living at all to save money. There has to be a balance, otherwise it’s too miserable and you waste your time now scrimping by instead of living. I promise you, if you save all your money for the future, when you get there you’ll never want to spend it. NTA
Your boyfriend is like a anti-snob. I wonder why he has so much against just having a nice trip. Not everyone likes to penny pinch and budget for everything and birthdays are special. It’s OK to go a little crazy on your birthday so you are NTA.