context: I had a boyfriend about a year and 10 months ago. in short, he was abusive and a stalker, and enabled two other horrible people. he also cheated on me with my best friend. i won’t go into much more detail, but know i’m still healing from all that even over a year afterwards, and i’ve been worried for this friend who still was actively talking to him.
my friend’s graduation was a bit over two months ago. while talking to her and some other people i liked in her grade, someone else asked her if her and my ex were still dating. at this point, i didn’t know about this, as i hadn’t been going to her school for the past year. she told everyone it was almost their 6 month anniversary. i was in shock and froze, and apparently it turned out i was the only one who didn’t know (i assume this is because i had a horrible experience with him and she didn’t want me to worry, but the fact that i would worry is probably a bad sign about the relationship imo..)
i was overwhelmed by the sudden news (as someone with PTSD caused by that person), especially with the fact that everyone knew but me, so i went off to cry in the bathroom for a little while so i wouldn’t overwhelm anyone else (knowing i’d be judged as most people there didn’t know about what this person had done.)
when i returned, i talked to my friend a bit about how i’m worried about her due to my experiences with this person. i told her a bit about what happened during my relationship with him (the things she didn’t already know, as she was involved in some of the horrible situations that happened while i dated him.) and at least to me, she seemed pretty dismissive. i know people get into honeymoon phases (i had one myself, i get it) but i wanted to make sure she understood that this is a dangerous person.
around a day afterwards, i sent her a text requesting that she didn’t tell him about what i’ve said (as he is a huge gaslighter, he would just deny all of it.) and that i’m here to listen to her about it if she ever needs me to. i’ve had no response over two months later and am even more concerned.
i’m worrying that telling her about that at her graduation was a shitty move, as it may have ruined the mood. i did it because i worried that he’d prevent her from talking to me in the future, like he prevented me from talking to my best friend at one point – although that’s not an excuse if it was a jerk move.
TLDR: i learned my friend had been dating my abusive ex for 6 months at her graduation. i told her my concerns (when i likely should have waited until a more appropriate time) and she hasn’t wanted to speak with me since.
AITA?
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context: I had a boyfriend about a year and 10 months ago. in short, he was abusive and a stalker, and enabled two other horrible people. he also cheated on me with my best friend. i won’t go into much more detail, but know i’m still healing from all that even over a year afterwards, and i’ve been worried for this friend who still was actively talking to him.
my friend’s graduation was a bit over two months ago. while talking to her and some other people i liked in her grade, someone else asked her if her and my ex were still dating. at this point, i didn’t know about this, as i hadn’t been going to her school for the past year. she told everyone it was almost their 6 month anniversary. i was in shock and froze, and apparently it turned out i was the only one who didn’t know (i assume this is because i had a horrible experience with him and she didn’t want me to worry, but the fact that i would worry is probably a bad sign about the relationship imo..)
i was overwhelmed by the sudden news (as someone with PTSD caused by that person), especially with the fact that everyone knew but me, so i went off to cry in the bathroom for a little while so i wouldn’t overwhelm anyone else (knowing i’d be judged as most people there didn’t know about what this person had done.)
when i returned, i talked to my friend a bit about how i’m worried about her due to my experiences with this person. i told her a bit about what happened during my relationship with him (the things she didn’t already know, as she was involved in some of the horrible situations that happened while i dated him.) and at least to me, she seemed pretty dismissive. i know people get into honeymoon phases (i had one myself, i get it) but i wanted to make sure she understood that this is a dangerous person.
around a day afterwards, i sent her a text requesting that she didn’t tell him about what i’ve said (as he is a huge gaslighter, he would just deny all of it.) and that i’m here to listen to her about it if she ever needs me to. i’ve had no response over two months later and am even more concerned.
i’m worrying that telling her about that at her graduation was a shitty move, as it may have ruined the mood. i did it because i worried that he’d prevent her from talking to me in the future, like he prevented me from talking to my best friend at one point – although that’s not an excuse if it was a jerk move.
TLDR: i learned my friend had been dating my abusive ex for 6 months at her graduation. i told her my concerns (when i likely should have waited until a more appropriate time) and she hasn’t wanted to speak with me since.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I talked to my friend about her abusive boyfriend at her graduation. 2. I probably should have waited until a better time to tell her about this, saying this at a graduation was likely not appropriate.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA- You had a trauma response when hearing the news, and it’s natural that you wouldn’t be able to resist at least trying to warn her of a clear danger you saw. Even if she didn’t like it or it brought down the mood, you were trying to protect and support her, and if things turn sour and the rosetinted glasses fall off, she’ll remember that you’re on her side
NTA hey I’m sorry but did your “friend” get with your ex without at least asking you how would you feel about this?
She doesn’t sound like a friend to me if I’m completely honest.
NTA IF what you say is true… but honestly, she does not sound smart or a good friend to you…
NTA at all… you were blindsided, handled it calmly, and spoke up out of genuine concern. Timing wasn’t perfect, but your heart was in the right place
nta wounds that cut the deepest. you warned her, you did. leave it be. there is a well spring in your heart, soon it will flow again. be well
NTA she already knew enough about what happened to you that she should either know better or just doesn’t see things the way you do. She hid it from you to avoid the drama, I’m sorry for the probable loss of this friend.
NTA. You were blindsided, triggered, and just trying to protect your friend from someone who hurt you. Maybe the timing wasn’t perfect, but your concern came from a good place it’s not your fault she’s upset or pulling away.
NTA but this girl is obviously not a friend, not only did she get with an ex without talking to you, but she got with an abusive ex
NTA. You did what you could. Let go of it now. It is up to her. It sounds like she already knew some of what he did to you but chose a relationship with him instead. Unfortunately, she will have to learn the hard way. I hope you continue to heal.
Nta the fact she is dating him while knowing he’s abusive makes her stupid in every sense of the word. It’s like walking into a hungry lions Den after another person escaped just because “well they were okay with me so?” Those are the same people that come back when they are subjected to the same hurt you warned them about. So many people are given warnings and they don’t follow only to come back and sing your praises to get back on your good side. She choose what she wanted, and if she wants to continue dating someone who will eventually hurt her even after being warned and seeing things from the outside. Then unfortunately she has to learn the hard way about these things and relationships. Adult relationships are serious and I treat them as such, you could be dating an abusive man and never know untill way later but the signs are always there before things get bad and this was a BIG one that she ignored. She’s going to have to learn the hard way if she hasn’t and I hate to say that but it feels like she’s not gonna understand otherwise