My wife (F44) is Asian, and I am white (M54). We have been married for three years, together for a couple of more. She has some insecurities about her looks due to her getting older (don’t we all), but I try to reassure her all the time that I think she is beautiful, and I love her as much as I ever have.
In the past she told to me that she worried about her previous non-Asian partners having an Asian fetish, but I assured her that is not the case with me. She is a first Asian woman I have had a relationship with. Also, she pursued me when we first got together, so I was certain she believed me and that this was settled.
Yesterday, I came across several social media mentions of a new movie called KPop Demon Hunters. Since I try to stay on top of cultural trends, I did a little research about the movie and found that some of the music was performed by a KPop girl band named Twice. I proceeded to watch a couple of Twice videos with my wife next to me, and we both commented on cultural influences and trends around what we saw.
Then she flipped. She told me I was weird for watching KPop videos, and that I obviously had some kind of feelings for those types of women because I watched the videos. She even questioned my parenting skills because my nine-year old stepson saw one of the videos for a couple of minutes.
She said that these types of videos are designed to be sexually arousing, and that I am creep for watching them. She also said that I obviously have a problem because of this, and any woman in her position would feel the same.
Am I the asshole, or is she way off base with her accusations?
I don’t regularly watch KPop, although I did watch the Pink Venom video when it first came out. I also like an all-girl heavy metal band called Band Maid. I regularly watch videos of all types – including subjects such as music, cars, and tech.
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My wife (F44) is Asian, and I am white (M54). We have been married for three years, together for a couple of more. She has some insecurities about her looks due to her getting older (don’t we all), but I try to reassure her all the time that I think she is beautiful, and I love her as much as I ever have.
In the past she told to me that she worried about her previous non-Asian partners having an Asian fetish, but I assured her that is not the case with me. She is a first Asian woman I have had a relationship with. Also, she pursued me when we first got together, so I was certain she believed me and that this was settled.
Yesterday, I came across several social media mentions of a new movie called KPop Demon Hunters. Since I try to stay on top of cultural trends, I did a little research about the movie and found that some of the music was performed by a KPop girl band named Twice. I proceeded to watch a couple of Twice videos with my wife next to me, and we both commented on cultural influences and trends around what we saw.
Then she flipped. She told me I was weird for watching KPop videos, and that I obviously had some kind of feelings for those types of women because I watched the videos. She even questioned my parenting skills because my nine-year old stepson saw one of the videos for a couple of minutes.
She said that these types of videos are designed to be sexually arousing, and that I am creep for watching them. She also said that I obviously have a problem because of this, and any woman in her position would feel the same.
Am I the asshole, or is she way off base with her accusations?
I don’t regularly watch KPop, although I did watch the Pink Venom video when it first came out. I also like an all-girl heavy metal band called Band Maid, but I watch videos of all types including subjects such as music, cars, and tech.
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> I might be the asshole for watching a KPop video without taking my wife’s feelings into consideration.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. She’s way off.
wow NTA at all. does she react like this with other topics too or is it just kpop?
NTA if this is all that has happened. But I understand her sensitivity.
NTA, but you watch videos when they first come out, and you have a favoirite band. It’s ok to say you like Kpop. We won’t tell your wife.
NTA, but damn, what else does she control? I saw your comment about a No Porn rule. Now it’s no to music videos with women in it. Also, who cares if you had an Asian fetish? Why can’t people be attracted to who they are attracted to? This starts becoming a slippery slope; it might be time to stand your ground.
NTA. Lots of non-Asian people enjoy KPop. Just like non-Black people enjoy Beyonce and non-White people enjoy Taylor Swift.
NTA. I feel like your wife has to find a way to work through her insecurities and past experiences with someone. As for this specific situation, you did nothing wrong by exploring a different music genre and you were doing it from an analytical perspective.
NTA, asian dating a white guy here.
while i completely empathize with her fear she’s being fetishized, saying that kpop is inherently designed to be arousing doesn’t sit right with me. it kind of reminds of me the argument that all anime is gooner bait— while being sexy isn’t a degrading quality, it’s degrading to paint them all with the same negative brush.
NTA your wife needs professional helps regarding her insecurities…Even the no porn rule is telling as it’s all a consequence of being insecure at its core. And this issue will keep getting worse.
Oh boy NTA by your description of the events. Is this really the first time she’s brought this up, or was this an “okay sit and watch the videos with me and see they’re not that bad” type of thing? If that’s the case then there is a deep issue of mistrust here. And from a woman’s perspective a 54 year old white dude with an Asian wife who’s younger than him does raise a few red flags that are fair for her to be concerned about.
First, Asian fetish is definitely a thing and you may have to find more creative ways of reassuring her that that is not the case between you two (like talk to her and find out what would make her feel better/be reassured). And second you married a woman 10 years younger than yourself, her first thought as she gets older is gonna be “was it because I was young and beautiful?”. Which is really a fear of you having a youth fetish. So you’ve got two problems but thankfully one solution: reassure her that you love her for her deeper qualities first. Is she a great mom? Tell her when she is! Is she intelligent? Funny? Take note of when she does something particularly charming, and let her know it’s what attracted you in the first place, not that she was ALSO beautiful.
One more thing, do you know each other’s love languages? Might be helpful if you’re having trouble communicating your love for her
NTA. I know the asian fetish thing is real, and I guess I can understand being concerned about a partner having one but… listening to music from another culture does not equate to fetishization. And it’s not like you were even looking at anything weird either, you just heard about some music in a popular movie and wanted to listen to it.
nta and she needs some therapy. it sounds like her issues are deeper than she realizes.
NTA. My kids watched that recently so I watched it with them to know what they’re watching, I do not consider it inappropriate–it’s not like she caught you looking at Hentai.
I understand she’s insecure because of past negative experiences, and I don’t doubt those experiences are real, but she can’t take it out on you when you haven’t done anything in that vein.
NTA if you’re telling the truth
NTA but be conscious of her experience, it seems really different from yours. I think it could be worth having a conversation on WHY she thinks that way because there is likely some root cause for her opinions. Kpop itself can certainly be sexual, but I know TWICE and they are definitely not as sexual as it goes in that world. You didn’t do anything wrong and your parenting is no worse than before. Affirmations with her may be your best bet, but I also think that this could even be a deeper issue requiring some therapy.
NTA. She needs to talk to the lady.
NTA , its music .
NTA is it really fetish to find Asian women attractive? And even if it is why is that a bad thing?
Y’all need relationship therapy. I give this advice out a lot hardly anybody takes it. Sweetie, if you do, your whole life gets better. Your relationship gets nice, your wife will be happy. You will be a better father. A better man. She will be a better woman. A better wife. Therapy. Together.
Asian male here. NTA. KPop Demon Hunters is indeed a pretty major pop culture phenomenon right now and I’m always happy to see more people celebrate it. It’s also totally natural to be interested in other KPop as a result. I mean, why wouldn’t you be?
While I understand that your wife might be wary of fetishism towards Asians, that really doesn’t seem to be what’s happening here. It sounds like an insecurity issue and a lack of trust.