I (57M) recently started filling out a guided journal called When I’m Gone by Corwin Harlan. It’s meant to be something my kids can read after I pass filled with messages, life advice, memories, and little things I’ve never said out loud.
I’m not sick or anything just feeling that I’ve entered a phase in life where I want to leave something meaningful behind. I never had this from my own parents, and maybe that’s why I feel it matters more.
The thing is, my daughter (25F) recently found it on my desk and said it was kind of morbid and too heavy. She said it made her feel anxious like I’m preparing to die soon or hiding some bad health news (which I’m not). My son (28M) also said I’m overthinking and should just enjoy life.
Now I’m second-guessing myself. I never meant to scare them or make them uncomfortable. I just wanted to put down things I’ve always wanted to say in case I never get the chance.
AITA for doing this even if it unsettles them?
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I (57M) recently started filling out a guided journal called When I’m Gone by Corwin Harlan. It’s meant to be something my kids can read after I pass filled with messages, life advice, memories, and little things I’ve never said out loud.
I’m not sick or anything just feeling that I’ve entered a phase in life where I want to leave something meaningful behind. I never had this from my own parents, and maybe that’s why I feel it matters more.
The thing is, my daughter (25F) recently found it on my desk and said it was kind of morbid and too heavy. She said it made her feel anxious like I’m preparing to die soon or hiding some bad health news (which I’m not). My son (28M) also said I’m overthinking and should just enjoy life.
Now I’m second-guessing myself. I never meant to scare them or make them uncomfortable. I just wanted to put down things I’ve always wanted to say in case I never get the chance.
AITA for doing this even if it unsettles them?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I started filling out a journal with personal messages and memories meant for my kids to read after I’m gone. My daughter said it was “too heavy” and made her feel anxious, like I was hiding something serious. My son also felt I was overthinking things and said it made him uncomfortable. I might be the asshole because I didn’t consider how my actions could emotionally affect them, even though my intentions were good.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH
It is scary to think about losing your parents. It is understandable why they panicked when they saw it. That doesn’t make them AHs at all. Seeing something like that would probably make me think something was wrong, too.
All the same, you’re not an AH for recording your memories. There are many things from my grandparents that I wish I had.
Honestly, I wish my parents had done something like this. Losing someone is hard, but having their words and thoughts to hold onto? That’s a gift, not a burden
I think that is so dang beautiful and I wish my mom did that for me. Maybe they don’t like the idea now, but it isn’t exactly easy to be reminded that your parents are going to die someday and so are we.
Write it, no need to tell them more about it. It might be something they appreciate when they are older & you are gone.
NTA. Death is inevitable, planning for it isn’t morbid. Your kids will treasure this someday.
NTA. They won’t actually get it until you pass away. They (hopefully) will be older and wiser and will love it.
NTA and just do it. Coming from someone who lost both parents, and I’m not even 40 yet, it stings. I have a screenshot of the last messages my mom and I exchanged, and will NEVER get rid of them, same with my dad. The problem is that there are times I need advice, and I can’t get it from them now. There are also things that I’m finding out about what they both thought and are proud of, and they never got the chance to tell me. Your kids may not appreciate now but they will in the future. I’m tearing up now, and that doesn’t happen very often.
NAH, but was it really necessary to use that particular book to do this? The title alone would upset a lot of kids, same for the writing prompts (“My final thoughts for you…” etc.).
You could be writing the very same things in a normal journal, many people do just that.
NTA This is a really thoughtful idea. Tell them that this will be theirs to do with what they want after you’ve passed but that you think it’s something that they’ll appreciate as you would appreciate having something from your parents or a loved one, etc. Reassure them that there is nothing that you’re hiding. Then I would have a private conversation with your daughter about how she is 25 years old. She found something obviously private on your desk, chose to read it and share it with her brother without your permission. She’s old enough to know that was wrong and she owes you an apology. Some people find comfort in preparing for death and if this is bringing you comfort you should keep doing it. We all die, no one knows when.
Hi! An ill-tempered old woman here! I told my kids they had permission to either read or destroy my diaries after I was gone. They didn’t want to hear about it either, but it’s because they don’t want to deal with that reality before it happens. The same offer remains open and I don’t push that dialog. Keep doing it. They are likely to want to hold on to a piece of you when you really are gone, but not before. As an aside, my diaries are pre-censored. No sex, no drugs. A bit of rock and roll! NTA ofc
NTA. My sister and I lost our mom 8 yrs ago. She was 65, I was 40, and my sister was 35. We cherish everything we have of our mom’s now. We’ve enjoyed looking through our baby books and reading what she was experiencing with us at the time. I have her singing happy birthday to me on an old answering machine that I play every year on my birthday. Her cards, letters, and notes just mean the world to us! Your children will be so happy to have this journal when the time comes, they just can’t truly appreciate its value right now. Keep writing in it hon! It’s going to be so special to them one day!
NTA. It is a great idea. But yeah the though of a parent dying is heavy so I get why your children tried to put it away. You are their dad, you were always there and they want to keep this idea that you will be there forever. And this book showed them the hard reality that this will not be the case.
Finish the book and I think the will appriciate it when time comes (hopefully in 50+ years). But don’t talk too much about it with them at the moment as they are clearly not ready to have to
My grandfather wrote up his experiences during the Great Depression and ww2 and it is such an amazing thing now. I used it for reports when I was in school and it’s just a really neat keepsake to show to my own kids.
You can do this amazing thing for your own family, but if it bothers them, just keep it to yourself.
Some day they’ll appreciate it. You just might not be around to know about it.
Their reactions are normal. It’s a scary thought. But I would keep at it because I think when the time does come they will treasure it.
NAH
Your kids (obviously) aren’t in the same stage of life you’re in, and they want to live life to the fullest and not be reminded about anyone’s mortality, much less yours.
You, older, are naturally starting to think about life and death and what you’ll leave behind when you go. It’s natural for you to think about these things, and it’s natural for them to think it’s morbid and unnecessary.
When you pass, they’ll be looking for small ways to feel your presence, and I think this journal sounds like a thoughtful way to give them that.
NTA.
They are scared about the whole situation.. . But even the possibility of reading something like that in the future would be invaluable for me.
They appreciate it in time. Deffinitely.
Keep doing it. Hide it better. When you really are gone (hopefully very many years from now,) they’ll be glad they have it.
NTA but know you may be filling it out for yourself rather than them. However I’m guessing they might feel differently in the possibly 50 ish years of the rest of your life. When you die they may or may not read it but at least the option will be there. I do understand the feeling of anxiety the kids are describing though. A lot of young adults aren’t comfortable with the idea of their parents dying. We had a family meeting and talked about what it looks like and what to do when someone dies and that made me more comfortable
NAH here, my parents both passed in the past 19 months. I would love to have read what you’re writing. They don’t want to think about the end either
NTA. I understand where your kids are coming from and I would react in a similar way if my mom started doing this (but she had cancer, and she did hide it from me at first), but later, as in a lot later, I would be grateful to have something like that. This is a great memoir, way more valuable than some trinket.
NTA, respectfully, they are young dummies (I say this w love lol). I totally understand them not even wanting to THINK abt your death, but they’ll be glad to have something like this down the line. Keep it up, I wish my parents would fill out the ones my sis and I got them, but alas.
NTA. I wish mt mom had done that because I will remember one of her stories but fear I am messing it up. She will appreciate it when she is older.
Journaling is healthy.
If you want to keep doing it, do it.
They may change their mind one day.
NTA – I think hearing about it probably just made your daughter think about your mortality in a way she wasn’t prepared for. Your kids will be happy to have something tangible like this when you’re gone (sometime very far into the future, hopefully!)
What I wouldn’t do to have a journal left to me from my Mom…
They don’t get it now, 25 is still in that young and dumb age, but they will appreciate it a long time from now when you’re gone.
NAH
Keep doing it but don’t talk to them about it. It is “too much” right now but they’ll be glad to have it later.
NTA – my grandfather had several bouts with cancer and he did what you’re doing. a book of his life, jobs, travels, etc.
my mom had it professionally printed into a hardcover. it’s special because it’s his, I say keep writing
I lost my mom in 2018 and I would love to have something like this. I journal every day, and I have a book full of prompts to write about that’s essentially “this is my life”. I think it’s not only great for your kids, but for generations beyond them to have a link to their past.
I’m 58 and my sons are 23 and 26. I’d say we are all close and if I could give you any advice— invest in the now. Also, my mom was crazy and into writing her “memoirs” and the like. Trust me when I tell you it was not something we “kids” were fighting over after she died (or her artwork and many other solitary endeavors)— It would have been nice if she did Swedish death cleaning and cleared out her basement and attic. It would have been nice if she went to a capable therapist and addressed her mental health issues. My mother had an elaborate “death folder” of songs she wanted at her funeral, readings, people to include, menu for a reception, etc., so on and so forth. It was almost comical. Very Larry David. It was absolutely absurd and we all were so burned out after she spent a YEAR in hospice and nearly got thrown out for being abusive to the staff. Doing her funeral while prioritizing OUR mental health was the beginning of our collective healing. I was waiting for her to come back from the dead to exact her revenge and her flying monkeys were certainly there to do her bidding. Work on your relationships now not for when you are dead.
NTA. Maybe it is too morbid and heavy right now, but it could be a treasured memento twenty-five years from now.
NTA. My dad passed away many years ago and I would love to have something like that journal to read and remember him.
NAH.
Maybe put it somewhere a little less front and center, for now. But keep doing it. Their feelings will probably change.
No child likes to think about the mortality of their parents.
When my mother passed, we found the journal she had been keeping for years. She had left a note saying she wanted us to read it.
I’m very glad for that journal. It allowed me to see my mother through adult eyes as a person who was a mother, not just my mother.
NTA they complain now but when you’re gone they’ll be happier having it. No one wants to think about their parents’ mortality and this journal is making them confront some uncomfortable truths, like the fact that you won’t be around forever. In this case out of sight out of mind. It’s an understandable reaction on their part, maybe have a conversation with them about preparing for the worst while expecting the best? It’s better to do this kind of thing now when you’re sound of mind and body, so you don’t have to worry about it when the time comes.
NTA they’re too young to appreciate it now. Just don’t mention it to them.
NAH You are fine to do it, from your perspective, and your kids’ reaction is normal from their perspective at the age they are now. It’s just a pity they discovered it. AND it’s a pity it has such a morbid-sounding title on the front page. You can’t really blame them for their reaction, seeing that out of the blue.
If you made any mistake it was leaving it out where it could be found. In hindsight, you should have hidden it and put some sort of cover on it so you don’t get this blaring out at you in large font.
IMO it’s quite likely that later in life they will be glad to read it and have an insight into you they didn’t have earlier, one they can appreciate more for being older themselves at the time they read it.
I think all you can do is keep reassuring them that you’re not sick or anything and that the book is something you want to write now from your current age’s perspective even though it is meant to be read decades in the future.
ETA: Looking at it in more detail I personally find the format to be very heavy-handed and likely to be an emotional gut punch to the reader. If it were me, I’d take inspiration from the book and then write a journal in my own format in a more natural, subtle way that gets the thoughts across without the all-too-direct headings and framing.
NTA. It’s scary to think about your parents dying and that’s probably where they are coming from. But I think what you are doing is something that will be very meaningful and special to them after you are gone. I lost my mom when I was 17 and I wish I had something like that from her.
Your kids don’t need to know about it right now. I would keep doing it but not bring it up. That is such a special thing you are doing for them. And they are lucky that they don’t understand how special it is at the moment, they probably haven’t had to go through such a tremendous loss yet.
NTA. You are being responsible and proactive. Everyone needs to think about stuff like this. They need to get over it.
As someone who really didn’t get the closure when a parent died, I think this is a really beautiful gesture. They will appreciate it when the time does come.
That is a wonderful idea! It’s tough to think about for her so maybe keep it tucked away, but I think she’ll find that comforting later. NTA
Keep doing it.
Don’t put it off.
If you live another 40 years, you’ll have a scrapbook of your thoughts at a younger time.
But my mom died when I was 30, she hadn’t planned for it at all. I’d have appreciated something.
I’ve been putting together a binder of the bills and stuff, life insurance, the mortgage. So it’s all organized, just in case.
NAH, they are young and don’t understand. But reassure them a lot.
NTA! Their reactions are normal, the thought of losing a parent is super scary, but I don’t think you should stop doing it. I bet that when it comes to it, they’ll be thankful to have this journal to remember you by.
When I was 25 I bought my dad one of these journals and asked him to start writing in it. The stories and memories you have are priceless. They may not appreciate it now but they will later. And giving yourself extra time to think through all the stories you want to share is an excellent idea. Consider printing out photos to add to it too.
NTA. As someone who was executor of my grandparents’ estates, now is the time to take care of these things when you’re healthy and have a clear mind. My grandparents waited too long to update theirs and it caused all sorts of issues after they passed that involved attorneys. Additionally trying to take care of their other assets and not knowing things like mortgage loan numbers and accounts for everything is so hard to figure out after they pass if it’s not written down.
They will thank you later. I’m 30 and have been pushing my parents to get their shit together because I have a stepmom and half siblings and things can get complicated.
NTA. Keep it going. Your kids are just uncomfortable with the thought of your passing, but they will treasure this beyond measure some say. Just keep it discreet like you have been doing so you don’t totally freak them out!
NTA. I think their nervousness is a sign of just how much they’ll appreciate it when you’re not around. No one likes to think about someone they love dying, it’s uncomfortable and painful. I think this was probably just shocking to them because they haven’t thought about it all that much before.
NTA – they don’t want to think about your mortality now but they’ll be grateful for it when you’re gone. Plus who knows what’ll happen day to day?
It’s also good to make clear your wishes in cases of brain death and burial arrangements.
Plus I imagine it’s a good reflection for you on your life.
NTA.
This is only a problem because your adult daughter was snooping through your private stuff, in your bedroom.
It’s not like you offered it to them to read!!! I’d be real clear that THAT behaviour is the actual problem, not what you were writing!
Journaling is for you, even if they throw it right in the bin when you die (they won’t because by then they’ll understand how precious it is) it’s not her business.
I’d focus entirely on that and not what you’re choosing to spend your time with.
Keep doing it, but don’t talk about it with them. They don’t need to know about it now. Just keep it in a place where they’ll find it easily, like in your filing cabinet with other important documents, or with your jewelry.
NAH, however:
>I just wanted to put down things I’ve always wanted to say in case I never get the chance.
say them! say those things to them, you have the chance now. yes they’ll likely be glad for the journal later in their lives, but they’ll be even more glad that they actually heard those things from you.
Your son is kinda right.
Your daughter is nuts.
NTA
NTA
If something does happen unexpectedly they wll be glad to have it. And you could always revisit it over the coming decades, upgrading and letting them know that life changes even as you get older. It’s always better to be prepared. I would suggest if you want to make things easier for when you do pass, get a Swedish death clean going and throw away all the useless stuff you have held onto for years.
Im 34f who asked my mom 56f to do a book like this for me because she isnt the one to talk about real life things or her past & she straight said no. My mom has never been emotionally available to her kids so no surprise it wasnt interesting to her.
I plan to get one for myself & fill it out for my 5yo because why not?
YOURE NOT AN ASSHOLE
My mom died very suddenly when she was 62 and I found one of her old travel journals and reading it really helped me feel like I still had a piece of her words when I was early on in grieving. Keep writing. They may be very thankful to have that piece of you down the road. NTA
It’s not about your death, it’s about your life. When we die we are gone, this is a way to hold on to your life in a more fulfilling way than being reduced to a few anecdotes. It’s a nice thing to do, and really isn’t morbid.
What the heck is this adult child doing snooping into your journal on your desk?! That’s awful behavior.
OP she will certainly read it if you leave it behind for them, she already can’t help herself. Keep on, but just keep the thing tucked away discreetly, along with anything else you want kept private since Miss snoopy nose can’t avoid prying.
Here’s a service that sounds excellent for preserving family history. https://youtu.be/wuxEpasO1po?si=faQayYDDdk0e1Slz Wish I’d heard about it years ago b4 my parents’ generation passed.
NTA. I do understand why it freaks your kids out. My Dad (who is in perfect health)has been bugging me for years to come over so he can give me the “just in case” walk through, like how to get into his safe, where the important paperwork is, who gets what, etc. Every time he brings it up, I just shut down. I don’t want to think of a world where he isn’t in it anymore. But when my mother and FIL both passed, they had not planned ahead despite various health issues and it was very hard trying to figure out those things on top of the grief.
My MIL one year had given all the grandkids one of those books where it records her voice reading it to them. Her cancer had come back. At first, I thought it was weird and morbid but when she did pass, I was so so happy that we had those books.
I hope you continue to live a long and healthy life but I say go ahead with what you are doing. You don’t have to discuss it with your kids now. But when the time comes, I am sure they will be glad you made those journals for them.
NAH. It is disturbing as a 20ish yo to found in your father’s desk a journal called when im gone, but your intentions are nice and it will be something they will treasure in hopefully 30+ years.
YOur children are young, and your death is your business. NTA
I have something similar. I’m 50. I haven’t started filling it out yet, but I will soon. I want my kids to have some kind of legacy. My kids know about it and are glad. One reminded me to make sure I leave updated passwords to everything, so make sure you notate that, too. Makes things easier for them in the long run.
NTA. Your children are seeing this through the lens of good fortune — they’ve never experienced death up close and personal, and they still see their parents’ mortality as a distant issue. It’s a type of immaturity — and I don’t say that as an insult. It’s part of what happens when you’ve been lucky so far.
My dad died when I was 19, and I cling to the scraps of him left behind now, in my mid thirties. Something like this would be magical to have.
You understand the scope of living and the impact of death. They don’t. Keep going with the journal. Some day it will be a treasure they hold dear.
NAH. You can focus on having fun, but it’s okay to do things that make your anxiety feel a little less heavy. Your kids will come to know what a precious gift that is.
NAH – I think the mistake is letting anybody know you have it, because your daughter is right it’s very morbid and pretty heavy. You can keep filling it out, but honestly OP I think the better option is focus on something more personalized. My dads 65 and I’ve been trying to convince him to write out all of his old cop stories from the 80’s, growing up in Texas, that kind of stuff. Having a “I’m gonna die here are my final thoughts about these prompts” book is more a duty to record rather than a celebration of the persons life. I don’t really want to know how my dad responded to prompts, I want to capture part of his life for the people who won’t get the chance to meet him.
That’s my two cents, take em or leave em, but I do kind of agree you should be keeping this book close to the chest until it’s time for your people to read it. We never like getting a reminder of how old our parents are getting.
NTA. Please keep going. When they’re older, they’ll want to have these pieces of you.
NTA. My dad died at age 62 and we thought my mother would live for decades longer. She survived him by 5 years. It’s been almost 9 years since my dad passed and 4 since my mother. I’m expecting my first child — their first grandchild — and what I wouldn’t give for a book full of their memories and advice!!
NTA. Having lost my mother unexpectedly, I wish I had something like this to read of hers. This is a wonderful idea they’ll appreciate later on!
As someone who had their father father died suddenly and young, just keep going. They are going to have a hard time understanding your mortality at this age. Just don’t bring it up for a while. When youre gone they will cherish it.
Keep it up but leave it in the bookcase or drawer. When they’re 50 they’ll finally appreciate it. People don’t really appreciate that their lives are decades long tragedies unfolding in slow motion until older.
Fill it out. I’m just a little older than your kids but my parents are in their late 60s and both have recently been diagnosed with cancer (skin and prostate- it could be worse) so the fact that they really could die at any time is very present and very scary. There are also so many things I want to know about them that I can’t even think of what to ask when the opportunity arises. When you’re gone they’re going to want to know every single part of you and something like that would be perfect
NTA
Conceal it better. They will probably be searching for it in the coming decades.
NTA, keep writing. Your kids are likely at a stage in their life where they haven’t considered things like this. Most of us get to an age where we wish our parents would have considered planning or are thankful they made arrangements. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it one day hopefully way down the line!
I’m not gonna call you all asshole for doing it, but I think any reasonable person who saw would that presume it was because you were dying soon, and get scared that you were ill or even planning suicide
NTA, but I do understand them.
They are in their 20s. Thinking of parents dying is something that is starting to cross the mind of people at that age, but to see it as a book that is being filled out just in case? It is heavy.
That said, I am considering to do something similar. I am in my 40s, and I am unlikely to hit 60. So I might as well.
NTA. They probably reacted this way because they don’t want to think about you dying one day. I think it’s a very thoughtful and meaningful to do for them.
As someone who lost a best friend to cancer recently who was only in her 40s and also a widow before I turned 40……just do it. You never know when you’ll go. It may be something slow like cancer or sudden like how I lost my husband. The memories, the life lessons, the unexpected stories you share is something your kids and grandchildren will enjoy. Yes it’s morbid now but they’ll cherish it. Just don’t leave it out for them to find now.
I’ve got a leather bound note book that my family have been writing little bits in for probably over 80 years. Its beautiful. The sadest entry is my great grandad talking about life after my great grandma died ‘it’s dark and I’m all alone in the yard, oh how I miss you despite all the good friends I have’ 😭
NAH. I wish my mom had done something like that for me and my sister. She had pancreatic cancer for 2.5 years and did fuck all until the end when she was too much on pain killers to respond properly. But I think keeping it private until you share with them is also helpful, nobody wants to think about their parents passing away so soon.
NTA – Their feelings about it will likely change when they are in their 50s-70s and they actually do lose you. Keep going, even if they don’t want to read it then your grandchildren might.
NTA. They’ll be happy they have it one day and they should be mature enough to know that today. You don’t scrapbook on your death bed, you do it when the memories are fresh.
It sounds cringy. I mean we all think we hv volumes of wisdom and experiences to share… but if it makes you feel better write it all. The kids may or may not read it.
My first Psychology class last semester was on Death and Dying. I’m 61, and most of the rest of the class was a whole lot younger, but everybody in the class wrote their own obituaries, planned what we wanted for our funerals, and even drafted living wills and medical POAs. It was quite honestly the best class I’ve ever taken in my life. It actually changed the direction of my life, and I’m now a declared Psychology major. with a pathway set for a four year university after community college.
I am also a widow, and am writing down memories of both my family and my late husband’s family at the request of my children, who are now 27 and 26. They may not appreciate it now, OP, but they will when you’re gone.
NTA. Keep on writing.
NTA I just got my mother one of these because we’ve found out her cancer has metastisized. I hope to God she fills it out, because I want this when she’s gone. Do it while you’re healthy and your memory is intact, why not?
I’m also a person who is 40 and is completely crazy about keeping my will & power of attorney information up-to-date. Turns out we all die, who knew.
You’ve probably just inadvertently scared her by doing this.
Nta. Your death, and what you want to leave behind is your business. I’d suggest maybe keeping the journal in a drawer and having a serious discussion about why she shouldn’t be reading random journals that do not belong to her. She does owe you an apology for that.
25 and 28 is still fairly young to be thinking about the death of your parents. If you’re not that old and still healthy they probably haven’t really ever thought about the fact that you will die one day. To be suddenly hit with that thought is difficult. It was something I dealt with a couple of years ago, a year younger than your eldest, when my mum got cancer (she’s fine now). Contemplating life without your parents is a gut wrenching and scary thing to be confronted with. I’m not at all blaming you for what you’re doing, I think it’s lovely and if you were to die suddenly, I think your children would both treasure your words, but I can see their perspective.
They reacted in the moment and with understandable emotion. Give them a bit of time, and then have a calm discussion. Tell them that although you’re not planning on dying any time soon, if the worst were to happen (fatal car accident for example) then you’d be comforted knowing they had your words with them for all the important bits of their lives.
NTA, my father just passed and I wish I had something like this. Beautiful idea. Its probably just morbid/sad for them to think about but they will hopefully appreciate it when you’re gone.
NAH.
Don’t stop. It’s not morbid. I’m a bit older than your kids but I’ve had a parental figure pass away at your age. What I would give to read a journal from her.
Your kids don’t understand why it’s important. And they won’t until you’re gone. But when you are they are going to pick it up and questions they will never be able to ask you are going to be answered. They will have the comfort of your words and thoughts and your handwriting. It’s probably the greatest gift you could give a child who has lost a parent.
So keep going. Keep it secret if you have to. We don’t know when our number is up, but when it is, it’s a beautiful thing to leave as a reminder of your time on earth.
As a daughter near the age of yours, I think you should keep going! My mom is healthy and around your age, but even if everything goes as perfectly as possible there’s going to be a day when I’m without her. I know at that point, anything with her handwriting is going to be precious.
On my last birthday, my dad called me while I was at work so I didn’t answer. He sang me happy birthday and told me he loves me. I have it saved to a flash drive because at some point I’ll have to celebrate birthdays where he can’t sing to me anymore, and I feel preemptively lucky to have that.
NTA. I lost both my parents this past year at 54 and 59 years old. 11 months apart, unrelated illnesses. As children, we think of our parents as permanent figures in our lives, because we have only ever known a life with them in it. To think of them no longer here is unimaginable until it happens. That journal is disrupting their ignorant bliss by bringing too much reality to the table. It makes them feel badly, so they think it is ‘bad.’ it’s not. Keep writing. They’ll value it so much one day.
NTA, I think it’s beautiful, as someone who keeps boxes full of memories, my most important ones are letters written by my family.
My only issue is that you’re waiting until you’re gone for your kids to have access to those memories. I think it’s important to have them, but also, for you to share them while you’re here. You mention things you haven’t said aloud. Why wait until you’re gone for them to know? What if they need your words of wisdom now?
I’ve started a small tradition of giving letters to my loved ones every Christmas, to share what I can’t put into spoken words (because crybaby), because it’s important to me that they know how much they mean to me today. And when I’m gone, if I leave before them, they will have those words to hold on to.
Maybe if you sit them down and explain why you’re doing it, and share what you’ve written so far, it’ll be easier for them to understand you.
My Dad died in my mid 20s. I dont know if I would have liked tge idea then, but at 40 I would love to have something like that. I recently came across a small travel journal he kept in his 20s, just a few notes on places he had been, I’ll cherish it forever.
My dad recently passed away very unexpectedly and suddenly. I wish I had something like this.
Granted, I wouldn’t have wanted to see it or know about it at all before he passed.
Edit to add: please keep filling it out, they’ll appreciate it someday. Hopefully a long time from now.
Other things I wish I had: more videos, more recordings of his voice, more pictures of just me and him. And of course, more time and more hugs.
Fucking onions.
My mom was 40 when she passed and had no known health issues and while we did discuss what she wanted for her death and funeral I wasn’t ready. I’m only 24 now and I already want to have a “when I die” plan and legacy because you never know what could happen and when
NTA. They’re young and find ageing and death unsettling.
Your son is correct, life is for living, and you’ve done plenty of that, and you have miles to go. And right now, you’re just drawing a line under the life advice for the kids column. They’ll treasure it more than they know when you’re gone
NTA, but I think their dismay is very typical for someone their age. I’d keep it where they won’t see it. With luck you’ll live a long life and when you’re gone they will be glad to have it.
Sorry your kids are so short-sighted. You’re NTA. This is a beautiful idea and I wish my mother had done it (she passed in May).
Leave another book on your desk called:
Privacy: It’s not just for kids anymore.
NTA i do the same thing to treat my anxiety about the possibility of leaving too soon. My child is still in diapers. It’s a good exercise for you, even if no one else finds it helpful (right now).
I wanted to do something like that, but I’m not so good at the follow-through, so instead, I’ve created a virtual recipe book. The family all has access to it now, even though I have teens through young adults, and it is recipes we’ve made, collected from family, and have tried from online. Between each recipe is a picture, some of the kids, some of different family members, some of places we’ve gone, etc., and then there’s a little verbiage. I share stories from their lives, passed down family info, important dates, advice, family names, etc. I regularly task my kids with making dinner so they know how to access the book and are able to cook when they move out, and they all LOVE the pics and stories. My youngest actually went through and was hunting down all the info and asking for the new ones. Someday, I want to get it printed and bound for them so they each have a physical copy too, but for now, it’s there and available.
They don’t consider it morbid because it’s not about death, but celebrating our lives and the lives of those before us. But it is absolutely ensuring they have access to info that would disappear if I died.
Anyway, point is NTA, but maybe find a different way to present the info or keep the diary out of sight when the kids are around.
my dad passed really suddenly when I was 25. went to work feeling fine on a Friday, started feeling sick enough to go to the ER at work, on a ventilator by Saturday night, gone by Monday at dinner. I wish I had something like this of his to hold onto.
NTA, your kids are just probably upset and scared thinking about your mortality
NTA. What I’d give for my dad to have left something like that behind for me.
NAH, but be prepared for your children to never read it. These books are, IMO, fairly close to a scam to prey on the fears of older people that they won’t be remembered after they’re gone.
Why not, rather than write it down in a journal that you had to buy from someone, sit down with your kids and talk to them. Tell them the stories you want to make sure they know. It will likely mean more to them to have had time with you talking than read them in a book after you’re gone.
They will feel stupid for having said all this when you pass. This is a gift. I wish I had this for my grandparents.
It’s something that your descendants may treasure literally centuries from now. How cool would it be to have a journal from your great great great grandparents??
It’s unfortunate that your daughter saw it and it makes her anxious. I would reassure her that you are just interested in documenting your life, and it’s just something for you. If you do choose to leave it for them when you pass, they can read it or not.
I think it’s a lovely thought and if you want to you should keep doing it. My parents started “swedish death cleaning” where they’ve begun to get rid of a lot of their belongings, some with sentimental value. While initially this made me sad and was concerning because they’re both in their 60s and relatively healthy I now understand they’re just doing what they think is right by us so we don’t have some huge mess to clean up while grieving. Do I still think the name is a lot? Sure, but the intention is good. I’m 27 by the way, hope your kids can come around. But the good news is that if they don’t want to they never have to read it.
My grandma did one of these when I was about to graduate high school. It wasn’t quite the same, but it’s a more detailed history of her life, my grandpa’s life, and their parents’ and siblings’ lives. I was young and didn’t fully appreciate it at the time, but 20 years later, my grandpa is gone and my grandma is not well and it’s a treasured document.
My dad tells me stories of growing up randomly now. He’s 63 and I’m his only kid. I’d love to get a book like this from him one day. I don’t have any kids to pass it down to one day, but I hope to live a long life (with him and after he passes) and it’s something I would cherish.
NTA. Keep writing in the book. They’ll appreciate it one day, hopefully long into the future. They’re just young still.
NTA!!! I’ve been a journalist (in the amateur sense) for decades now – & I’m still holding a grudge from succumbing to my ex-husband‘s pressures & destroying my very old handwritten journals… I’ve still got a drawerful of several handwritten volumes, not to mention all my online blogging!
I’m going to do a little self-censoring myself, but several volumes of old blogs I have had printed out for easier reading whenever my son (27 now) wants them… Perhaps I’ll offer them to them when he turns 30?
NTA – I can see with them being young and you being healthy that it disturbs them at this time. I’d continue with it and just keep it hidden from them. Someday they, or perhaps grandkids, may enjoy reading it and will be glad to have it.
Fill it out. My parents and grandparents told us all kinds of stories about themselves and the family and now I can only remember bits and pieces and there’s no one to ask.
NTA. Also if you have a way to leave a video or audios you telling family stories do that. Also record yourself laughing. I miss both of my parents laugh.
Dad passed away suddenly when I was 15 in the early 90’s when we didn’t have phones with us. We only have 5 pictures of him. Mom passed away about 4 years ago. We have pictures of her and some videos too. Hearing her cackle made me cry. I had forgotten how much I missed that.
One day your kids will realize that you are thinking of them and want them to have memories of you.
goes and buys this book
NTA
NTA. They are probably too young to appreciate it now but one day it will mean so much to them.
NAH
They just don’t get it yet.
My mum was in hospital for 5weeks before she died. My children were 1 at that time. When they were born I had given all four grandparents a ‘grandparent book’ which is much the same principle of you writing down stories and your thoughts from the current time to be read later.
My mum had never touched hers, that was until 3weeks into her hospital stay when she was feeling hopeless. She was too weak to write, but I sat with her and wrote all her answers down. I wish I had been prepared as I could have recorded everything, but this was a while back before my phone could do it and I hadn’t brought a recorder. I am so glad for what little I got out of her in those chats. I treasure what I have.
I hadn’t pushed her to do it in the preceding year, didn’t think she would go so soon age 69, I thought there would be more time.
I’m not suggesting you will be going anytime soon either, but it’s a part of you now and it’s a lovely thing to do. Remember to include their favourite recipes, also make some voice notes and videos as well. Writing is great but all forms of communication are better.
Reassure them you are fine and that one day they might appreciate what you have put together for them. I do agree the title is a bit much! But hey ho!
My dad died a few years ago. I wish he had left something like this behind.
Just reassure her that you’re fine and nothing is wrong and keep writing it out.
On top of precious ideas and memories, make sure to include any tips you have for saving, finances, car repairs, how to pick a doctor, what to do with a toxic boss… things like that where she’ll be in the middle of her day and burst into tears because she wishes you were there.
This book will be a priceless heirloom, and it’s important.
Edit vote NAH
NAH.
Someone who is 25 is not likely to understand there will be all sorts of questions one day – questions they wish they had asked but never thought to- til after you are gone.
Keep doing it.
Maybe put the book and your writings in a locked drawer when you aren’t working on it.
It’s a lovely and thoughtful thing to do.
Your kids just dont know they will appreciate it after the fact. They will.
NAH
Like other’s have said, thinking of that reality is scary and seeing that sort of thing suddenly would also make me worry that something was going on that I didn’t know about. Definitely keep it more hidden but keep doing it! You aren’t close to dying right now but literally anything can happen any day. I lost my mom very suddenly last year and I would have loved if she had been doing something like this. Your kids will be glad for it when the time comes, but it’s probably something best not talked about beforehand unless they ask about it first.
My mom is 93 and I sometimes record her when she tells stories because all that information will be lost once she’s gone. I think your journal sounds wonderful and your children will probably understand and appreciate it when you’re gone.
NTA. It’s very sweet of you to pass on your life experience and wisdom. Otherwise what will they have left after you’re really gone?
NAH
You’re literally investing in your death. I would also ask why.
As a 35 year old whose father past a couple years ago- fill out the journal. There’s so many things I wish I could ask him or just hear his stories and opinions about. It’s never too early to do end-of-life planning, because you never know what life has in store. This doesnt mean you’re not living life and enjoying every moment you get, it just means you’re also giving thought to a future that will outlive you, as it inevitably will. Can I also add that, as you’re working on this journal. it would also be super helpful to write down your login and password info on a page, and keep it updated. After my dad passed, it was really hard to track down and access all the various accounts he had open and transfer them to my mom or cancel them, and some stuff we were just never able to crack. One of those things was the smart thermostat in the house; she had to have a whole new thermostat installed.
But to zoom out, this journal isn’t just for your loved ones’ comfort and convenience; it’s also for you. My grandma did something similar to what you’re doing; she wrote a memoir and had it self-published so the extended family could have copies. It’s been a comfort since her passing, but the best part is how much satisfaction she got out of writing it! Memory is a fleeting, changeable thing, and revisiting memories and putting thrm on paper helps keep and define them. My mom had a twin sister; they were very close growing up and had weekly phone calls. I remember a frequent feature in those calls (and conversations during visits) was thrm fact-chrcking each others’ memories. Listening to them have very different memories of the same events, and both be totally confident in their version of the memory, really taught me how our unique perspectives shape out perception of reality. Journaling like this is forging a touchstone for your own memory as your perspective shifts with time.
Finally, the most important factor for any hobby: you’re getting enjoyment and satisfaction out of it. That’s more important than anything else I’ve said. You like it, and it’s not hurting anybody, so you should do it!
NTA
NTA but don’t leave it out for others to see. My mother asked me for advice because my siblings are easy to argue, i asked her to please do this while she is of sound mind, you never know what can happen!