I’ve usually done shit alone; my parents both have jobs that require a lot of their time, and I typically only see them after school from 5pm to 9pm. My siblings are older and have moved out, so there’s that.
I started with basic chores at four or five, like cleaning the table and helping unload the dishes, which I don’t think are that bad. But from about six I made my lunch, cleaned the table, vacuumed the house, and hung out the washing, all without the help of my parents. Then at seven, I’d clean the entire kitchen after dinner, not just the table, like everything, and my parents would yell at me if I didn’t do it properly or just “half-assed it”, on top of the stuff from six. During covid, I moved out of my childhood house with my dad to renovate a new house they bought. Since dad was doing the house, I basically took up most of the household chores, except for making dinner. Then we moved back, and dad carried those values into the new house, which was way more work because it was easier. From then to now, they’ve basically expected me to clean up after dinner, take the washing in and out, clean the most Saturdays, and empty the dishwasher, and now my dad’s asking me to make his bed? I think that they’re relatively abnormal for a thirteen-year-old to do by themselves.
For the past few months, there’s been some pushback specifically from me on doing these. When I don’t do it, my dad basically guilt trips me and says, “I make you dinner, I buy you clothes, I drove you to school last Thursday, you’re being so ungrateful, nobody helps me in this house, I do everything,” which I think is unfair because from the moment he decided to keep me, that was his obligation, so why the fuck is it all my responsibility to do all that shit. Me and my mum do most of it; all he does is cook dinner and take the dog for a walk, then he craps on about how he does everything. Whenever I argue with him about not wanting to do something that he could’ve so easily done himself, he says, “Way to get out of it,” and doesn’t talk to me for days. Lately these are the only times I’ve talked to him, and then he says I don’t spend enough time with him, but it’s hard to want to talk to him when the only time he talks to me is to ask me to do something.
I can understand how he feels frustrated. But I haven’t had the motivation to do everything he asks because of how long and how much I’ve been doing. My dad went to a boarding school, and my mum grew up on a farm so I don’t know if this is just a hellspawn of parental values or I’m just being a cunt.
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I’ve usually done shit alone; my parents both have jobs that require a lot of their time, and I typically only see them after school from 5pm to 9pm. My siblings are older and have moved out, so there’s that.
I started with basic chores at four or five, like cleaning the table and helping unload the dishes, which I don’t think are that bad. But from about six I made my lunch, cleaned the table, vacuumed the house, and hung out the washing, all without the help of my parents. Then at seven, I’d clean the entire kitchen after dinner, not just the table, like everything, and my parents would yell at me if I didn’t do it properly or just “half-assed it”, on top of the stuff from six. During covid, I moved out of my childhood house with my dad to renovate a new house they bought. Since dad was doing the house, I basically took up most of the household chores, except for making dinner. Then we moved back, and dad carried those values into the new house, which was way more work because it was easier. From then to now, they’ve basically expected me to clean up after dinner, take the washing in and out, clean the house on Saturdays every single week, and empty the dishwasher, and now my dad’s asking me to make his bed? I think that they’re relatively abnormal for a thirteen-year-old to do by themselves.
For the past few months, there’s been some pushback specifically from me on doing these. When I don’t do it, my dad basically guilt trips me and says, “I make you dinner, I buy you clothes, I drove you to school last Thursday, you’re being so ungrateful, nobody helps me in this house, I do everything,” which I think is unfair because from the moment he decided to keep me, that was his obligation, so why the fuck is it all my responsibility to do all that shit. Me and my mum do most of it; all he does is cook dinner and take the dog for a walk, then he craps on about how he does everything. Whenever I argue with him about not wanting to do something that he could’ve so easily done himself, he says, “Way to get out of it,” and doesn’t talk to me for days. Lately these are the only times I’ve talked to him, and then he says I don’t spend enough time with him, but it’s hard to want to talk to him when the only time he talks to me is to ask me to do something.
I can understand how he feels frustrated. But I haven’t had the motivation to do everything he asks because of how long and how much I’ve been doing. My dad went to a boarding school, and my mum grew up on a farm so I don’t know if this is just a hellspawn of parental values or I’m just being a cunt.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my dad narcissistic for making me do an excessive amount of chores. I think it could be unfair for him because he just wants me to do normal chores, but idk if it’s too many or if he’s been asking me to do them for too long.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
That’s a lot for 13. Helping with chores is normal, but cleaning the whole kitchen, vacuuming, laundry, house every Saturday, plus now making your dad’s bed? Yeah, that’s excessive
Apart from making HIS bed I can’t see this is abnormal, although I did grow up in a strict household, I can see how overwhelming it may seem though, maybe try and explain that if they don’t listen I’m not sure what else you can do
When do you get time for school work and friends? Having a social life outside of school is important for your development. Sounds like you do chores all the time.
Given your age, I am not sure what you can do. The fact that your parents are treating you like this says volumes about them.
I want to give you a different perspective. Right now you are learning a lot of different skills and responsibilities that make life feel hard. The truth is that most people don’t learn this until they have left home and then this is when they find life easy. You are actually going to find life easy then especially as you will have full control.
The drawback is that you may allow future partners to continually let you do this work (especially if they never learned these skills and are struggling) and that’s not fair.
If your parents are reasonable and this has just slipped then I would map out all the jobs and share them equally. If they are not, then unfortunately this is just the card that you have been dealt. Learn what you can and make sure you have boundaries for future relationships
NTA
You are not the asshole for feeling overwhelmed or frustrated by the amount of chores expected of you at thirteen. It is reasonable to expect age-appropriate responsibilities, and what you describe goes far beyond typical expectations for someone your age, especially when you are already contributing significantly to household maintenance. Your dad’s reliance on you to shoulder nearly all the chores, combined with guilt-tripping and punitive silence when you push back, is unfair and emotionally burdensome.
At the same time, it is understandable that your dad may feel frustrated if he perceives the household workload as uneven, but his approach of assigning excessive tasks and using emotional manipulation is not productive. A constructive step would be to have a calm conversation with him about boundaries, outlining what chores you are willing and able to do while also requesting that responsibilities be shared more equitably. You could propose a chore schedule that balances contributions among family members and includes age-appropriate expectations for yourself. It is reasonable to advocate for your well-being, and setting limits on your workload is both fair and necessary for your emotional health.
Being self efficient at young age was actually a norm in the past. It’s only recently where you get children growing up that can’t tie their shoelaces at 12 or never used a vacuum at 20. Do you seriously consider your parents teaching you how to actually be self sufficient to be harmful? Would you like to grow up to be an adult living by yourself who can’t boil a kettle without google? I was born in 90s and helping out around the house like cleaning, taking care of animals is considered not only normal but actually encouraged.
At least you won’t grow up clueless on how anything works, unlike most of your peers that will need to live with mommy and daddy until their 40s because they aren’t prepared for adulthood.
Sorry if this comes off harsh, but if responsibility is now a bad thing then this world is screwed.
There’s a difference between a teenager doing healthy chores…and treating your child like a maid. At age 13 I think the appropriate level of chores is dishes after dinner if the parent has cooked the meal, keeping their own bedroom clean, and doing their own laundry. You shouldn’t have to clean the whole house every weekend or sort out everyone else’s washing, you certainly shouldn’t be making your dad’s bed…I would consider that a little insulting if that were me tbh. Now it is a nice thing to occasionally go the extra mile for your parents, I wasn’t always the best at helping out when I was a kid, but if I surprised my mum by cleaning the bathroom or running a hoover round the whole house unexpectedly once in a while for example, she always really appreciated it. She didn’t expect me to do it every weekend though and she certainly never expected me to do any cleaning in her bedroom.
I don’t think you’re an asshole for it. Making his bed is wild and it’s actually very common thing parents, especially ones with older kids, do is make them more of an equal in responsibility of the house rather than being the caretaker and provider of the kid (people online like to call them Cinderella daughters).
As I’m sure you can tell by the other replies it’s more of a controversial topic that some people strongly agree with while others are against it. I think if a kid, especially one as young as you, were to leave the house and the entire thing would fall apart and be a mess and dysfunctional then you’re doing too much, doing what you were at six is really showing they expect you do be doing the same as your older siblings despite the age gap which can be really harmful to you.
I think you should swap some things, like maybe you walk the dogs, something more chill that would be more appropriate for someone you’re age while he does the bigger things like the Saturday clean and laundry.
NTA
You’re 13. When do you get time to be a kid? Have hobbies? Be with friends? Do school work? It sounds like your chores are consuming you, which is unhealthy for a child. You should also be able to enjoy life just as much as the next kid. I understand that some people believe this teaches responsibility, but I also believe that the volume of chores you are expected to do is putting a wedge between you and your own life. Also, making your dads bed? It’s not like you’re the one sleeping in it, so why should you be expected to make it?