I (16F) and my dad (55M) went to a coffee shop last week to catch up, and he kept trying to hug me, kiss my head, pat my head, and just show me physical attention. I know that this is normal behaviour of a parent, but I am someone who dislikes most physical contact with others who I’m not very close to (my dad is and has been incredibly emotionally and often physically absent throughout my childhood so we aren’t close).
For the past few years, everytime he or my mom (53F) have touched me, hugged me, etc I have patiently explained how much I hate physical touch and my mom has respected that, however my dad hasn’t. He keeps doing it, again and again, and each time I explain and he gets very pouty and upset at me.
Anyway, when we were in this cafe place when we were at the counter getting our drinks he KEPT hugging me, trying to kiss my head, and I kept dodging. I told him “Please stop,” and he started ranting on about how I must hate him so much, he’s a shitty father that it makes him want to cry and makes him very depressed that I wont let him show physical affection in any way.
This really upset me, because I have explained countless times that physical touch makes me uncomfortable, I’ve explained why, and I’ve made it very clear that it’s nothing against him / other people I’ve told as individuals- it’s most physical interactions from most people.
He continued ranting, saying it makes him hate himself because obviously his own daughter can’t stand him, and to be honest this sent me over the edge. I got probably a bit too angry and admittedly did shout at him. I told him that I will simply stop talking to him if he can’t respect my boundaries and that he’s being stupid and very unfair, and that he’s a selfish, shitty man. I then stormed out of the coffee place and went home. When he got home later on neither of us apologised. He was acting as if everything was okay and I just responded to any questions with one or two words because I was still very annoyed.
Now, multiple different family members are calling me mean and selfish. My mom told me I’m being unreasonable and ungrateful and my brother (18M) said I was acting like a childish brat and that sometimes I need to be able to put up with stuff I don’t like, and it was cruel of me to have embarrassed my dad like that. I’ve also overheard my dad talking about how much I apparently hate him multiple times. (I don’t, lol)
I still haven’t apologised, but now I’m wondering if maybe I was unfair and rude. It’s not in my nature to hold grudges, let alone confront someone like I did but I feel like my boundaries and preferences are ignored and have been for years. AITA?
EDIT: Just to clarify, I don’t like physical affection due to traumatic things that have happened to me when I was younger, not because I hate my parents or other reasons like some people are suggesting.
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I (16F) and my dad (55M) went to a coffee shop last week to catch up, and he kept trying to hug me, kiss my head, pat my head, and just show me physical attention. I know that this is normal behaviour of a parent, but I am someone who dislikes most physical contact with others who I’m not very close to (my dad is and has been incredibly emotionally and often physically absent throughout my childhood so we aren’t close).
For the past few years, everytime he or my mom (53F) have touched me, hugged me, etc I have patiently explained how much I hate physical touch and my mom has respected that, however my dad hasn’t. He keeps doing it, again and again, and each time I explain and he gets very pouty and upset at me.
Anyway, when we were in this cafe place when we were at the counter getting our drinks he KEPT hugging me, trying to kiss my head, and I kept dodging. I told him “Please stop,” and he started ranting on about how I must hate him so much, he’s a shitty father that it makes him want to cry and makes him very depressed that I wont let him show physical affection in any way.
This really upset me, because I have explained countless times that physical touch makes me uncomfortable, I’ve explained why, and I’ve made it very clear that it’s nothing against him / other people I’ve told as individuals- it’s most physical interactions from most people.
He continued ranting, saying it makes him hate himself because obviously his own daughter can’t stand him, and to be honest this sent me over the edge. I got probably a bit too angry and admittedly did shout at him. I told him that I will simply stop talking to him if he can’t respect my boundaries and that he’s being stupid and very unfair, and that he’s a selfish, shitty man. I then stormed out of the coffee place and went home. When he got home later on neither of us apologised. He was acting as if everything was okay and I just responded to any questions with one or two words because I was still very annoyed.
Now, multiple different family members are calling me mean and selfish. My mom told me I’m being unreasonable and ungrateful and my brother (18M) said I was acting like a childish brat and that sometimes I need to be able to put up with stuff I don’t like, and it was cruel of me to have embarrassed my dad like that. I’ve also overheard my dad talking about how much I apparently hate him multiple times. (I don’t, lol)
I still haven’t apologised, but now I’m wondering if maybe I was unfair and rude. It’s not in my nature to hold grudges, let alone confront someone like I did but I feel like my boundaries and preferences are ignored and have been for years. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I yelled at my father in public which embarrassed him and wont let him show physical affection which makes him sad
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. I’m really sorry that your dad doesn’t listen to you. He should. You get to decide what kind of physical touch you are comfortable with. Please don’t stop asserting your boundaries. Your brother is wrong, you don’t have to put up with that.
If you would like for your boundaries and requests to be met with respect and understanding I would not recommend this approach. You are expecting your father (reasonably seeing as he is a grown ass man) to respond respectfully (which he hasnt, i understand your frustration) but you cannot bite your tongue or stay composed enough to meet your own expectations of behaviour. I understand how frustrating it is to have to repeat yourself and be ignored. I would resort to doing things he has asked you not to do. start messing with the thermostat or hiding his slippers or something and when he gets upset explain to him that you feel just at frustrated as he does when he does things against your wishes. Explain to him that if he wants to get to a point where physical affection MIGHT be acceptable this guilt tripping childish ignorance is not the path to take. I think ESH to some extent. If your dad yelled at you and started calling you names in the cafe because he doesnt appreciate your boundaries the damage done would be irreversible seeing as you sound fed up and as though your patience are quickly dwindling. figure out how to communicate it to your father in a way he can understand if you are looking for a solution. if you are looking for more trouble and high tension your behaviour will suffice
edit:
i apologize, i want to change my statement to NTA seeing as you might be TA if you were considering your fathers feelings which you should not feel obligated to do seeing as he refuses to recognize or respect YOUR feelings.
“(I don’t, lol)” kind of sums it up for me here. Something feels incoherent.
His lack of respect for OP’s boundaries would normally be enough for me to say NTA, but something about how OP told this tale is giving me deep ‘everybody clapped’ vibes but in reverse.
Dad’s reflex to accuse OP of hating him would normally get me to conclude he is doing a little narcissistic dance to guilt-trip OP into breaking her boundaries… if it were not for the fact that OP clearly does hold some extreme negative emotions for her dad.
I mean she called him a stupid, selfish, “shitty man” to his face in public. What father could hear that from their child and NOT conclude they are hated without delusion? It’s pretty visceral contempt at the bare minimum.
The whole “(I don’t, lol)” quip makes me wonder if OP has formed a habit of hiding her contempt from herself, because it is self evident she has deeply harsh feelings (which he seems to deserve, no doubt) but is not being honest with herself about them.
Personally, I cannot imagine screaming the words “shitty man/woman” into the face of anyone in public without holding some hatred for them. Maybe that’s my limitation, but I can’t. 🤷♂️
There are ways to enforce boundaries that do not rely on public humiliation meltdowns that feel good in the moment but turn everyone with eyes on both sides of the story against you. To some degree, using explicit contempt expressed as an outburst in public makes OP an AH when she could have simply left.
It also gave a possible narcissist plenty of ammo to use for his ‘woe is me’ parade, so it wasn’t especially effective either. If anything it backfired.
But ignoring boundaries is also unacceptable. I have to go with a reluctant ESH for this, assuming OP’s tale is accurate.
But I am curious if OP’s dad’s comments about OP hating him started with this boundary, or before.
NTA
No, no, no, not even close. Your father is one of the people who are supposed to teach you that ‘no means no’. That applies here as well. If you tell him no, he needs to stop. Forcing himself upon you with hugs and kisses is not ok. It is never ok from anyone. And trying to shame or quilt you into accepting his hugs is just ick! That is not ok from anyone towards another. blegh, he is behaving like a toddler who doesn’t get what he wants.
People who do this need a lesson about boundaries.
NTA this is how kids get abused is by saying it’s family and you should allow them to touch/kiss/hig you even if you don’t want them to. Sure maybe you shouldn’t have yelled at him in public but he is being manipulative trying to make YOU feel bad for setting boundaries. He is the one who needs to apologize and at most you could say I shouldn’t have yelled but I would not apologize for sticking up for yourself when he blatantly disrespects and doesn’t care about your well being.
Tell your dad that you don’t hate him, you hate that he doesn’t listen to you when you say you don’t want to be hugged or kissed, especially in public. Let him know you are happy for a hello or goodbye hug. But his constant touching you, even though it’s affection because he loves you, is not something your body can handle. You aren’t 6 anymore and fathers have to understand that their little girls grow up and behaviors need to change. The fact that this became a whole family discussion means you need to explain to everyone that you love him but he doesn’t respect you, and yelling and leaving was the only way to get your message across.
Oh no, the people who spawned me want to love me, oh no
ESH. He did not respect your boundaries, and clearly does so a lot; that warrants a further discussion for sure. However, he is your father – he is not some creepy stranger who needs public shaming in order for you to feel safe. A more mature way to handle this would be to say ” Dad I love you, and I also do not like physical touch. It has nothing to do with you; it’s just how I feel and you’re making me uncomfortable in public right now. If you try to kiss me or hug me in public again, that will be the end of our cafe hang out”. Then hold to it and regardless of whether he respects it and you continue to have a lovely time, or he does not respect it and coffee time is over, you have a further discussion about this at home.
YTA
Honestly I got ‘creep’ toned red flags off this. Any one, never mind my father, ignored my boundaries physically like this would be getting cut out from my life as much as possible. Like yes. You are a shitty person.
NTA.
NTA. Respect is a 2 way street. That’s what I’d tell him. If he can’t respect you then why should respect him and because I’m your Dad is not a good answer. That just means you will resent him which seems to be a big fear of his. He needs to do the opposite it sounds like of what he thinks he should do.
NTA, sure you shouldn’t have shouted but I understand you’ve tried many times to communicate how you feel and he wouldn’t listen to you..people do reach breaking points. I was the same way when I was younger, it bummed my mom out but she respected it. My dad wasn’t touchy to begin with. I hope things work out💜
NTA. Your dad sounds emotionally manipulative.
The problem here is that when you express a reasonable boundary in a reasonable manner, your father turns it around and makes your reasonable boundary into an attack on him.
This rhetorical technique is an abusive technique known as DARVO. (N.B. The link goes to DomesticShelters.org’s article on the technique. It assumes partner abuse, but the pattern is generally accurate no matter your relationship to the person using the technique.)
I do not think you’re wrong to have escalated. And your father’s decision to involve others to browbeat you, rather than respect your boundaries is disgusting.
NTA.
Oh no a loving father who cares about you, imagine that in this current year
NTA. Your body isn’t his property. You decide what you’re comfortable with and with whom. Having someone refuse to respect your boundaries is highly unlikely to help make you more comfortable.
Also, what man is all over his TEENAGE daughter like that? At some point children age out of constant kisses and cuddles, and he needs to respect that. And is he this affectionate with your brother? Because if not, it sounds almost like it’s more about letting you know who’s “in control”.
Ghost him. If he won’t listen, then you don’t need to deal with him.
NTA. You set a boundary. Your dad keeps crossing the boundary and even tried to be an ass about it. You were well within your right to snap after so long.
“Actually yes, you are a shitty father because a good father would listen to me and respect my boundaries. You must hate me the way you keep doing things I have asked you many times not to do.”
(You probably won’t be able to beat him at his own game, but it might be fun to try. Everything he’s accusing you of can be turned right back on him.)
NTA. My bio dad was similar, and would also say creepy things about me in public with me right there. When I asked him to stop, he’d also guilt trip me about it and eventually would become enraged whenever I showed discomfort. Not saying your dad is going to do the same thing, but it just threw up red flags for me when I read this post. Your old man is clearly emotionally manipulative. I hate how most people will say it’s your job to be forgiving and to put up with crap you don’t like, when the other person is the one going out of their way to make you uncomfortable with something entirely avoidable and won’t put in the work to earn that apology.
No one has a right to touch you. Not even a parent. Your body is yours and you get to decide how much physical touch you are comfortable with.
I’m so sorry your dad cannot respect your bodily autonomy, and I’m sorry your family is not emotionally mature enough to respect you and give decent advice. They are wrong. Full stop.
Please seek out help from a counselor or therapist to help you navigate the communication issues with your family, because it should never get to the place where you have to yell and no one should be telling you to tolerate physical affection you do not want.
I get what you mean. I can hug those closest to me but like people at work, it’s a no. There are some people who come in who love to hug everyone. I’ve always made it a point never to give an open invitation to hug.. I say hi from wherever I’m sitting and make it known with my body language that I’m not open to it
NTA You have set a reasonable boundary. You have the right to tell someone not to touch you body. He’s response to attempt to emotionally manipulate you is very telling. When someone does this, they usually aren’t expressing love, but power over the other person.
NTA. My dad is very physically affectionate with me because we ARE close. Your dad is obviously not a nice person so it is no wonder you aren’t close and don’t want him touching you (and honestly it’s creepy of him to try that when he knows you don’t have that kind of relationship). And his responses are just straight up abuse. Honestly the fact that you called him out in public is great because he couldn’t hide his crappy behavior. It might make him think twice about trying it again.
No..
I would ask to be taken to see a doctor and find out if there’s a physical medical reason for the skin to skin touch issue.
If there’s no physical medical reason, then I’d seek a mental health appointment.
There’s many things that we don’t understand.
Best to you.
If he really thinks you hate him AND he really cares, then he would try to regain your trust.
But no, he chooses to guilt trip you into accepting what he wants. He does not care. NTA
NTA – anyone who doesn’t want to be touched should be absolutely respected. that’s the most fundamental boundary a person can set, and anyone who doesn’t respect that boundary is 100% wrong every single time they cross it.
Your father attempted to emotionally manipulate you. He can kick rocks
YTA for being emotionally manipulative and projecting all your bad character traits on to other people.
NTA.
Your dad is trying to guilt you into dropping your boundaries. It doesn’t matter if he thinks non consensual touching makes him a good dad, you’ve explained your piece. If he wants to interpret that as something other than what you said, that’s on him.
And wasn’t he yelling at you in public? I think it’s fine you stood up for yourself in the same way he was trying to cow you into submission.
NTA — i also hate being touched. my sister and her mother (who i grew up with) both hate that i refuse to give them hugs or allow physical contact. it got to the unfortunate point where the literal only way to stop physical touch temoorarily was to physically shove or hit them (not the solution but i would get so overwhelmed i needed them off of me immediately and just saying “get the fuck off me” didn’t always work). and my neice has seen how i react to my sister n her mother hugging me, so now she’s wary of hugging me bc she’s heard me yell at them “quit fucking touching me”, seen me cry from being hugged, and seen me literally grab my sister’s wrist and twist her arm off of me (i never noticed when she was in view when i’d physically remove my sister from touching me). i first hand understand the discomfort and dislike of physical affection. keep being loudly vocal and tell your dad “you say i hate you, and while I don’t right now, keep up your bullshit and i will cut contact when i graduate. i can love you from a distance.”
NTA. But you’re going to need a third party, most likely a family therapist to work this out because of the power dynamic. As your parent he is able to manipulate the situation where he looks like the abused parent with an angsty teen. Your brother clearly eats it up. And I see other folks on here do too… You absolutely shouldn’t have to let anyone touch you. Period. It’s awful he is making you feel this way.
NTA
Your dad is not only disrespecting your physical boundaries he trying to emotionally manipulate you by making this about him.
Nta
I have a kid that doesn’t like physical touch often. Which is really hard for me cuz I’m a huge physical touch person. I have worked so hard to make sure that I am a safe place for my kid so that they feel like they can give me physical touch, and I cherish those moments that they choose to give me physical affection.
NTA and well done putting up with it for that long! Personally, I’ve just left it alone and acted normal until they started touching again, then you have to remind them again.. Simply because the first thing my person did when I tried to talk it out was come in for another hug to prove I did care about them!