I (23M) was sitting on the couch on a work-related call, talking to someone through my phone. While I was trying to focus, my girlfriend (24F) started playing with our cat using a laser pointer — but instead of directing it elsewhere, she pointed the laser on my head.
Predictably, the cat jumped at my head. I was startled and frustrated, so I told her (firmly) to stop doing that. I stayed on the call, trying to focus again — but she did it again, and the cat landed on my face this time. I got mad and raised my voice a bit more, saying she seriously needed to stop.
About 20 seconds later, it happened again. Same laser, same reaction from the cat — and same yelling from me. A minute or so later, I noticed the laser dot moving near my crotch, and again the cat pounced — right onto my groin. It hurt like hell. It was the 4th time!
I lost it at that point. I got up, clearly angry, and yelled. I knocked over a half-full bottle of juice which spilled on her legs. I then grabbed her (not violently — just by the arm) and said, “Get away,” and moved her into the other room so I could finish my call and calm down.
Just to clarify: I didn’t hit her or push her with force. I’ve never laid a hand on her and never would. But she said I was being overly aggressive and scary. I feel like she kept intentionally provoking me while I was trying to work, and I only reacted after being physically jumped on four times.
So, AITA?
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I (23M) was sitting on the couch on a work-related call, talking to someone through my phone. While I was trying to focus, my girlfriend (24F) started playing with our cat using a laser pointer — but instead of directing it elsewhere, she pointed the laser on my head.
Predictably, the cat jumped at my head. I was startled and frustrated, so I told her (firmly) to stop doing that. I stayed on the call, trying to focus again — but she did it again, and the cat landed on my face this time. I got mad and raised my voice a bit more, saying she seriously needed to stop.
About 20 seconds later, it happened again. Same laser, same reaction from the cat — and same yelling from me. A minute or so later, I noticed the laser dot moving near my crotch, and again the cat pounced — right onto my groin. It hurt like hell. It was the 4th time!
I lost it at that point. I got up, clearly angry, and yelled. I knocked over a half-full bottle of juice which spilled on her legs. I then grabbed her (not violently — just by the arm) and said, “Get away,” and moved her into the other room so I could finish my call and calm down.
Just to clarify: I didn’t hit her or push her with force. I’ve never laid a hand on her and never would. But she said I was being overly aggressive and scary. I feel like she kept intentionally provoking me while I was trying to work, and I only reacted after being physically jumped on four times.
So, AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at my girlfriend multiple times and physically moved her to another room after she repeatedly used a laser pointer to make our cat jump on me — including on my head, face, and groin — while I was on a work call. I’m worried I may have overreacted, especially when I spilled juice on her and physically moved her. She said I was being aggressive and scary, so I’m wondering if my reaction crossed a line and makes me the asshole in this situation.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH, once you grabbed her, you lost the high ground. If this becomes known in your social circle, people may start thinking less of you. For me, I would be questioning whether I want to be with someone who shows you this kind of disrespect and doesn’t mind negatively affecting your career.
INFO why didn’t you leave the room?
NTA but maybe ESH
Her behaviour sounds unhinged or very immature…or both. Why on earth would she do that, clearly not funny after the third time. WAs she acting out at all? Had you disrespected HER workplace before, or some other recent fight was had?
ESH not even for moving her to other room, but more for where you’re working…are you taking up ‘common space’ for work? Is she lashing out becuase she’s tired of having to be quiet, not watch TV etc when you’re on work calls?
(I mean you should’t have to move her, you could just move to the other room yourself if it’s just the phone you need).
> grabbed her (not violently — just by the arm) and said, “Get away,” and moved her into the other room
even if you feel like it wasn’t violent, physically grabbing and forcing someone into a different space is assault. she was annoying, but you were overly aggressive and scary. no matter how much someone provokes you, there isn’t actually a line where it’s ok to assault them. the only time you should touch another person aggressively is in self defence, and you can’t seriously convince me that you felt your physical safety was threatened. however, she did. that’s why YTA
NTA I don’t approve of you grabbing her arm but she essentially used a tool aka the cat to attack your dick… She ain’t got any room to claim that what you did was abusive lol. You told her repeatedly to stop and she didn’t.
ESH
>I’ve never laid a hand on her and never would
Wrong:
>I then grabbed her
You laid your hands on her. You did that shit. Don’t pretend you didn’t. You did. That makes you an asshole every time.
She is an asshole too for fucking with you.
Couple of assholes in love.
ESH.
She’s an asshole for not leaving you alone.
You’re an asshole for grabbing her instead of just relocating to the other room yourself.
I would say you didn’t do anything wrong. If you aren’t lying about being violent then I see no reason why you would be the AH
Up until I read your reaction, I was on your side. However, your reaction sounded physical and intimidating which is a behaviour that should never be displayed in the safety of the home. Yes, she was an AH but then you became one too when you reacted that way. YTA
NTA. Anyone in here pretending they have never grabbed someone by the arm is flat out lying.
ESH
You are the only person in control of your actions. Regardless of circumstance or emotion you choose how to behave. Yelling is one thing, which is already an abusive behavior, no one should be yelled at by their significant other. Legally speaking it can be considered assault if your girlfriend felt fear and an imminent threat of harm. Grabbing her arm, given the aforementioned assault constitutes battery. Regardless of the severity, any physical contact resulting from assault is legally considered battery. If you are so upset that you can’t be around someone without yelling and grabbing them, you need to walk away. Period. Cool down. Don’t return until you can discuss calmly once again.
Now her side. You repeatedly asked her to cease and desist and she overstepped that boundary multiple times and indirectly caused you harm. This is also both abusive and disrespectful. If she cannot respect your boundaries then you should not continue to be in a relationship with her. A loving relationship has no place for this kind of abuse.
YBTAH
I’ve been married nearly a decade and never felt the need to “grab” my wife by the arm in anger. Ever. You should have used your words. Yes, even after the 4th time. YTA
You wonder who parented some of these people. Work out your problems using words. It’s not hard.
NTA. Your girl needs to grow up. That kind of thing is juvenile and unacceptable. She needs to be un-invited to your home for a while so that she can reflect on what she did. She is still young but, that is no excuse for what she did, that is open disrespect and she would probably say she was “just playing”. That is not OK when you are trying to carry out professional business.
You didn’t make your lot any better by handling her for sure, you cannot allow yourself to react in this way out of anger, you could hurt someone. You put yourself in the position of being the bad guy here and there is no tolerance for abuse. She can claim you hurt her over a prank. Personally, I would seriously consider dropping out of the relationship before it goes any further and search for someone that is more mature.
Edit to clarify my point.
ESH. She was essentially assaulting you with the cat and your actions were also violent.
ESH – just because you were physically jumped on by a cat does not give you a go ahead to remove your girlfriend from the room by force. Your gf is TAH for obvious reasons but still, dude. Keep your cool around her. There is never a reason to put hands on your girlfriend which is why you are the bigger AH out of the two of you.
YTA you shouldn’t have grabbed her
ESH. Please break up and seek anger management. She sounds immature and you sound hotheaded. Neither are a good mix.
First: yelling ain’t cool. You’re not a child. Control yourself. Reason 1 YTA.
You yelled and touched her. She did not know that you wouldn’t harm her. Reason 2 YTA
You came here looking for salvation instead of repairing and working on your behavior. Reason 3 YTA.
What isn’t repaired, repeats. Also. Were you hyperfocusing? I do that with adhd and getting interrupted is annoying.
NTA. Everyone in the comments being mad that you grabbed her arm and moved her to the other room is wild to me. She attacked you four times. You repeatedly told her to stop. You didn’t hurt her or threaten to hurt her, you just made it clear you wouldn’t continue putting up with that behavior.
Sounds like neither one of you is mature enough to be in a relationship much less love together.
NTA you were paitent but she kept childlishly distracting you even though you asked her to stop
ESH. Quite frankly, the next time you tell her to stop doing a behavior that affects you, it’s time to look for a new gf.
I’ve been in the situation where one person is the aggressor until they’ve pushed you to your breaking point, and the correct response is not to respond angrily, but to leave, or ask them to leave, and don’t be with that person until or unless they correct their behavior. She’s also teaching the cat bad behavior that may well get it, or someone else, hurt.
Why couldn’t you move to a different room instead of grabbing her??
Not saying what she did is ok, personally I’d dump her bc she clearly has no respect for you. But to physically move her is also abuse.
NTA. Why are you putting up with this behavior though? She seems both immature and selfish..
Good luck mate!
NTA I have my doubts that this whole post isn’t bait but WTH people. She’s using the cat as a weapon and going for his head and groin. You’re allowed to use physical force against someone who’s attacking you.
I want to add something. I know grabbing her was a wrong thing to do. I should have left. But every time I try and leave the door she runs to the door and won’t let me leave. Like trapping me inside. So relocating wasn’t an option. Also yall act like I abused her. I just grabbed her and moved her she didn’t “resist” or anything.
You do suck a little for your reaction but setting animal on someone is classified as assault, especially given the area she targeted so I feel like an argument could be made for self defense. Still, never a good idea to grab someone like that. You should have left the room. Was there a reason you didn’t?
Also, dump her. Her behaviour seems more abusive to me than yours. Does she often pull shit like that? Especially while you’re working.
Your girlfriend is an immature dick. I wouldn’t grab her for obvious reasons but she sounds like an idiot.
ESH. She shouldn’t have done that but like “I grabbed her” “I’ve never put my hands on her and never would”.
And unless if spilling the juice was an accident, that’s a real dick move
Maybe your meeting was bothering her and she wanted YOU to leave the room and go talk where you could close the door
ESH, but I’d have lost my crap and been an A-h, too. Apologies probably need to happen all the way around and then there need to be ground rules about how we behave when other people are working, although I have no idea WTF is wrong that you need those. That’s the question I’d be asking myself.
She’s the TA but I feel when you have to physically lay hands on someone to get them to do what you want……you need a break. I don’t understand how you move someone to another room without touching them. Maybe I’m misunderstanding how you moved her.
But she’s definitely immature and annoying. I don’t like her using an innocent animal as a tool to annoy…..that’s just bullshit.
You need to get therapy to deal with your anger issues. Sure she was a jerk, but you assaulted her which is an absolutely unhinged response to your partner being annoying.
>lost it at that point. I got up, clearly angry, and yelled. I knocked over a half-full bottle of juice which spilled on her legs. I then grabbed her (not violently — just by the arm) and said, “Get away,” and moved her into the other room so I could finish my call and calm down.
Please read that entire paragraph where you say you lost it were yelling angry and knocking things over, grabbed her and tried to pretend the grab wasn’t violent. You can’t angrily grab someone while yelling and and pretend it isn’t violent, those two things don’t go together.
You don’t have to hit or punch someone to be physical violent and physically abuse them. You literally did put your hands on her. Stop trying to downplay your abusive actions, you physically abused your girlfriend, if you care about that and don’t want to be an abusive boyfriend then get help so you never do it again
Honestly, no. Pushing someone to rage so they are deemed the bad guy is manipulation
Disrupting someone’s work,
Causing physical harm through direct action,
Going against your wishes numerous times,
Crossing obvious boundaries
If this was you doing it to your gf, everyone would’ve been on her side. But because you’re a man and you touched her, you’re deemed the bad guy by default.
Ive known women and men who do things to provoke anger until theres physical contact even if its not violent, even if you had just taken the laser pointer from her, just some sort of physical contact while angry, and getting the other person (you) deemed the one in the wrong.
As someone who’s dealt with it and seen multiple therapists, as someone who’s been diagnosed with Narcissistic Abuse Trauma, if youre being completely honest in this post then NTA
For future sake when someone’s obviously provoking you like this, record it, cause if you stay with her I can guarantee there will be legal trouble in the future
YTA solely for trying to downplay the physical abuse you inflicted, which also makes me not believe the entire first part of the story. Saying you’ve never put hands on her is a lie because you GRABBED HER BY THE ARM and physically moved her to a different room. Abusers will never get an ounce of sympathy from me while trying to play the victim.
I think you may need therapy as you are truly over sensitive and have anger issues. Hope she catches on and moves in from you.
How about growing up? This is the dumbest thing I’ve read today
ESH.
Why is your girlfriend bothering you? She shouldn’t be sabotaging your work life (assuming it brings in income) and she should understand your personal boundaries, especially after you firmly let her know initially. And the fact she won’t let you move too just sounds like immaturity.
However, spilling half a bottle of juice and losing it at her is a bit extreme. You could move her to the other room without making a mess beforehand.
I could see that you acted instinctively whereas she acted purposefully, but if this is a common reoccurrence then it might be a good time to give each other a break for a bit.
NTA leave her, anyone who tries to distract you while your working unless it’s an emergency doesn’t respect you, also everyone saying he’s the ah for grabbing her what else was he supposed to do, let her keep distracting him and hurting him while he’s working? He can lose a job like that, he never hurt her, he just grabbed her arm and directed her into a different room, op you really need to sit down with her and explain what she did was wrong and if she still doesn’t see what she did was wrong then leave her., also in one of the comments he said he had tried to leave and she would block his way so that’s even more of a reason to leave her, she’s harassing you while your trying to work and when you try to leave she stops you wtf is wrong with her.
NTA.
You asked her again and again. And she should have known better to start with; you don’t harass someone when they’re trying to work.
ESH.
She should have stopped the first time or never started.
You should never have resorted to physical intimidation. You should have either continued verbal attempts or removed yourself from the situation and discussed it later when you calmed down.
YTA
“Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once. If he raises a fist; punches a hole in the wall; throws things at you; blocks your way; restrains you; grabs, pushes, or pokes you; or threatens to hurt you, that’s physical abuse. He is creating fear and using your need for physical freedom and safety as a way to control you.” Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?
Kick this immature girl out of the house while you are working. Period.
ESH. She doesn’t respect your work and grabbing her in any way is awful and scary.
“I’ve never laid a hand on her and never would”
I don’t think that means what you think it means.
Grabbing someone out of anger IS “putting your hands on them”.
She shouldn’t have disrupted you during your call, but you should have been an adult and walked YOUR happy ass to the other room instead of grabbing her and forcing her into another room.
An easy ESH.
ESH what she did was not cool and highly disrespectful, as well as dangerous. You should have removed yourself from the situation by leaving the room or going outside instead of removing her. Never okay.
ESH
ESH. Your girlfriend assaulted you four times.
If she had thrown the laser pointer at your head repeatedly after you asked her to stop, people would agree it was violent/abusive/crossing a line. Yet because she got the cat to do it, people somehow are downplaying it as joking around or just being annoying.
However if another room was available you should’ve just moved rooms instead of physically moving her.
A partner trying to harm your image and standing at work or disrupting a work call for anything other than an emergency is a dealbreaker to me.
ESH
“I’ve never laid a hand on her and I never would” okay well you just did. Aggressively. And borderline violently. It doesn’t matter how hard you grabbed her, you grabbed her and physically moved her to another room.
Yea she was ABSOLUTELY in the wrong for doing what she did, then you took it another step.
I need you to know that everyone says they “would never put a hand on someone” until they do. That’s how different levels of abuse work.
And honestly YTA for the misleading title. You didn’t just tell at her, you put your hands on her aggressively. You can’t rewrite that.
NTA. She used the cat to inflict pain on you in a situation where your ability to defend yourself was compromised by your work call. That’s abuse.
Break up with her. This will only get worse.
This sounds like ai
She has shown herself to be someone who doesn’t respect boundaries and doesn’t listen to you when you say you need something.
This is one incident. (It’s not a good one.) But it’s also a pretty clear indication that she’s not someone you can trust. You needed her to stop, and she did the opposite. What else will you need from her in the future, and will she do the opposite just to troll you again? Is she someone you can trust, if this is how she behaves?
This reminds me a lot of another post where a woman asked if she was the AH for hurting her husband since he encouraged their breastfeeding baby to bite her. Everyone backed her up then and if we’re being consistent regardless of gender with excusing use of force when it comes to situations of self defense, we should be fulling defending OP.
NTA – you tried communicating with her and she deliberately ignored you and continuously encouraged your cat to hurt you, you told her multiple times to stop (that too while working), tried to leave the room to get out of the situation and she wouldn’t let you. While blowing up and physically grabbing your partner is never ideal, I don’t blame you for losing your cool under these circumstances.
ESH
Don’t grab people by the arm. Not okay even when she was at fault too
Just break up with her. This is an toxic relationship where she joyfully sick a cat on you for her pleasure.
Esh
>But she said I was being overly aggressive and scary.
Hypocrite uses cat to attack you, and then feels scared you reacted?
God’s I hope she’s not that stupid all the time.
But if you need to help her learn, ask her if she wants you to laser direct the cat at her head 🤷🏾♂️
NTA
ESH. She was being annoying and inconsiderate but you laid your hands on her whether you wanna pretend you didn’t or not.
NTA. Imo you were physically defending yourself from your gf weaponizing your cat. As in…literally using the cat as a weapon?? After being verbally asked to stopped multiple times. You didn’t injure her. You got her away from you. Idc how “scared” she was, she already attacked you multiple times!! She got what she deserved in my book.
I would have grabbed the laser pointer and removed the batteries before grabbing at her because now you’ve just allowed her to play victim. I don’t think you were TA here, she obviously is, but I don’t think that was an effective decision you made. Granted, you were probably super angry.
ESH
A better option would have been to grab the laser pointer, but that’s 20:20 hindsight. Also, why is your gf in the room with you while you’re on a work call?
Nta and get a new girlfriend
You missed the em-dash in the last paragraph. Definitely YTA
Info: why didn’t you, idk, just leave the room? Your work call continued after you yelled multiple times during it? You think grabbing her and dragging her out of the room isn’t aggressive? None of this makes any sense.
NTA. People in the comments trying to act like you’re the abusive one when clearly she is. She may not have touched you herself but she used the cat as a weapon to cause you bodily harm. She specifically targeted sensitive areas she knows would hurt you and on top of that, interrupted you whole you were trying to work. Extremely disrespectful and downright abusive. You responded much more calmly than I would have.
NTA. Tell her she needs to move out. (A kid who did this during my meetings would lose serious privileges. An ADULT who does this is an ahole.)
INFO – why was she in the same room as your working space in the first place?
Yall are absolutely nuts and would have loved to see this with gender roles swapped.
Physically containing someone that is purposefully having an animal attack you is not abuse nor pearl-clutching behavior.
Men should never get physical with women of course, but life is more nuanced than adhering absolutely to this rule and this is great example of such a time, its not like OP smacked her. If someone is attempting to cause you bodily harm, even if its a lady you have right to defend yourself and OP did as much with measured response.
Say a crazy homeless woman gets in a argument with and starts to choke out my wife its not like I’m paralyzed to do anything to help.
There would be a warning uttered but if im fearing for my partners safety ill punch a sick female child/elderly person with autism if they are the aggressor i dont give af what banner you fall under.
I put this firmly in the FAFO category
NTA
sounds like self defense, smells like AI
“I grabbed her”..”I never laid hands on her”
NTA.