I (21F) moved back home with my parents after being diagnosed with cancer last year (in remission now). I decided to stay home to attend community college since I don’t have enough money saved to move back to university.
This month, I finally got my college refund disbursed. I was planning to use my refund to catch up on my student loans from the previous university I attended since my cancer treatment deferment was ending soon. Two days after I received my refund, I went to go check how much money I can use for my loan. I noticed that $500 from my account was missing and transferred to my mom’s bank account (I have a joint bank account with my mom since it was made when I was a minor, I didn’t mind her having access since she said it was a good idea for her to see my account for emergencies).
I was confused and woke up my mom in the middle of the night to ask her why she removed $500 from my account. She said that she removed it because she thought it was a “final computation” or an extra refund from another class from my old university that my dad helped pay for (Context: I didn’t receive aid for a summer class I took last year in my previous school since I didn’t take enough units to qualify. I originally was enrolled in enough classes to qualify for aid, but had to drop them since I had to immediately get treatment for cancer). I was extremely confused because my dad let me use his card, then why would she think that a refund would go back into my bank account? Then, when I kept asking for an explanation, she said “I thought you would’ve noticed that your money is gone because I saw that you spent $5 at this store and $20 at another store, don’t you check your money before you buy anything?” and “I told your dad that I removed the $500 from your account because I thought it was an extra refund from your class”. I ended up yelling at her to put the money back in my account, that she can’t just remove it without saying or clarifying anything first, and wouldn’t stop until she gave me the money back. Even then, I just kept yelling at her out of frustration since I couldn’t understand why she thought she could remove it because the bank statement says that my refund came from my community college, not from the other university I attended. I was just so mad because she spent two days relying on me finding out by just checking my phone to see how much money I had.
The second she saw me the next morning, she started yelling at me for waking her up just for a “small amount of money” and that I “should’ve asked her nicely” for her to give my money back. I honestly don’t know how to react at this point. AITA?
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I (21F) moved back home with my parents after being diagnosed with cancer last year (in remission now). I decided to stay home to attend community college since I don’t have enough money saved to move back to university.
This month, I finally got my college refund disbursed. I was planning to use my refund to catch up on my student loans from the previous university I attended since my cancer treatment deferment was ending soon. Two days after I received my refund, I went to go check how much money I can use for my loan. I noticed that $500 from my account was missing and transferred to my mom’s bank account (I have a joint bank account with my mom since it was made when I was a minor, I didn’t mind her having access since she said it was a good idea for her to see my account for emergencies).
I was confused and woke up my mom in the middle of the night to ask her why she removed $500 from my account. She said that she removed it because she thought it was a “final computation” or an extra refund from another class from my old university that my dad helped pay for (Context: I didn’t receive aid for a summer class I took last year in my previous school since I didn’t take enough units to qualify. I originally was enrolled in enough classes to qualify for aid, but had to drop them since I had to immediately get treatment for cancer). I was extremely confused because my dad let me use his card, then why would she think that a refund would go back into my bank account? Then, when I kept asking for an explanation, she said “I thought you would’ve noticed that your money is gone because I saw that you spent $5 at this store and $20 at another store, don’t you check your money before you buy anything?” and “I told your dad that I removed the $500 from your account because I thought it was an extra refund from your class”. I ended up yelling at her to put the money back in my account, that she can’t just remove it without saying or clarifying anything first, and wouldn’t stop until she gave me the money back. Even then, I just kept yelling at her out of frustration since I couldn’t understand why she thought she could remove it because the bank statement says that my refund came from my community college, not from the other university I attended. I was just so mad because she spent two days relying on me finding out by just checking my phone to see how much money I had.
The second she saw me the next morning, she started yelling at me for waking her up just for a “small amount of money” and that I “should’ve asked her nicely” for her to give my money back. I honestly don’t know how to react at this point. AITA?
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NTA
Remove her from accessing your account immediately. $500 is not a small amount of money if she was so concerned about getting it back herself. She should have asked you nicely if it was a refund that belonged to them instead of stealing it in the first place.
Also congrats on your remission!
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> I woke my mom up in the middle of the night and ended up yelling at her for not telling me she removed $500 from my bank account. AITA for reacting like that?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH. She should have asked you, and you should have asked her the next morning after you noticed. No yelling was necessary. You might have anxiety from having had cancer. Talk to your doctor about it.
NTA, this sounds like DARVO to me.
$500 is absolutely worth losing sleep over. And if it hadn’t been her, you both would have needed to move fast to shut down a hacker. It’s ridiculous for her to make herself the victim because you worked her up amd didn’t “ask nicely.” She could have asked you nicely before just taking it.
NTA but ffs you’re 21, get mom off of your bank account! That needed to happen 3 years ago. She does not need to be able to “see your bank account for emergencies.” I’m betting she’s the one who told you that was a good idea (edit: reading comprehension fail on my part – I missed that yes, yes she was, my bad. But yeah, no shock there). You should be regularly monitoring your accounts yourself (the only valid point she made).
If she thought you owed her $500, she should have asked you for it. You’re an adult, and it’s about time both of you acted like that was the case. No more bank supervision/access by mommy.
NTA. Clearly waking her and yelling was the correct way to get her to return the money she stole. To prevent a repeat take her off your account immediately. Then tomorrow, Monday when banks are open, switch to a different bank. There’s too many ways some “mistake” could be made that would still allow her access. (When I needed to switch banks I was able to do it online fairly quickly). Make a list of your bills/payees and switch them to the new account. I’d keep the old account open for a month so that if anything gets missed you can see it and pay with new account. (This worked for me when switching.) Then close the old account completely.
She stole from you. I’m glad you got the money back. Her stealing is wrong, your yelling was wrong, and then her yelling was also wrong. However, I understand why you yelled at her, because she was a thief.
Get your own bank account, no more joint accounts.
NTA.
You shouldn’t have to be paying if you’re starting community college. You should call AES or whoever you are paying through. A guidance counselor at the community college might be able to help, too.
Either way, NTA. Your mom needs to put the money back. That’s not ok.
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Is your mom hurting for money?
So glad you are doing doing so much better!
Your mom may think she is helping you, but monitoring spending is not something you do with a 21 year-old. Time for your own account.
You can give power of attorney for Healthcare and finance to someone you trust so that if there is an emergency, they would be able to access your funds and make medical decisions on your behalf.
INFO: you’re 21, why does your mother have access to your account?
NTA. You need to go to a different bank all together and get a new account. Transfer everything and do NOT put anyone else on that account, especially your mother. Do this at a completely different bank not just a different branch of the bank you have now because some banks will be conned and let a person who was removed access an account anyway.
Your mother stole from you. She was trying to use excuses that both of you knew were bullshit hoping you’d let it slide. Don’t. She’s lashing out because she had to give back the stolen funds and got called out for her appalling theft. Get her off any and all financial services you have. Put a lock on your credit. Because thieves don’t stop once they start. I’d bet this isn’t the first time either that she’s stolen from you.
Open your own bank account and move every penny you have into it ASAP. Don’t walk, run
NTA, and get a new account.
NTA. She took a large chunk of money from your account without speaking to you, let alone asking permission.
She says she thought it was an extra refund, but the statement would have said who the money came from, so she will have known that the money came from your College, which your parents did not pay any money towards, and not from the University that your parents had partly funded.
She told your Dad, but not You, the adult whose money she took.
The appropriate reaction to someone you thought you could trust taking a large sum of money from your account is “WTH!”. That is a conversation that could not wait, because it was not fair for only You, already stressed from battling cancer, to lose sleep, whilst she slept through the night.
If you can’t remove her access to that account, then open a new one and move all your money to that one so that it is safe from future theft.
I hope that she transfers your money straight back to you.
NTA.
You are 21. Get your own account
Set up an account with a different bank and her not on it and only use the new account.
Unfortunately you need to open a new account, she has shown she can’t be trusted and has likely taken money before under that same excuse.
Move the money to an account she doesn’t have access to. You should do it like yesterday. 😕 Plenty of people have experienced their parents taking their college money. Take no chances.
You need to get her off the account or set up a new one, get your credit locked and take all private and necessary documents out of her grasp. She will do it again
NTA. Get mom off your account NOW!
Your mom is a thief. You need to open a different account and transfer all of your money to that other account. You now know that you can’t trust your mom.
NTA if your mom never did something like this it is not a big deal that you have not changed to a new account. But now you know that she is monitoring how you spend your money it is time to change to a new account in a new bank. Research to see which banks will provide the best low or no-cost option. Some may have deals for college students. Congratulations on your remission.
NTA. I hate parents like this. Im on both my kids accounts because of emergencies (until they chose to have someone else). I go so far as to force them to transfer money to me that they owe for car insurance or cell phone. They plead, cant you just transfer it over? And im like nope – you need to send it to me.
I’ve obviously transferred it out but only after implicit approval for the amount and when.
Set up a new account immediately and transfer everything to it.
You no longer need her to have access to your finances and she has shown herself unreliable. Don’t let her gaslight you.
YTA. Get your own accounts and place to live. You are an adult. Adults fix their problems and don’t whine✌🏻
NTA, mom should’ve talked to you first. She stole from you. I wonder if you can press charges
Nta
Change banks immediately! This is likely not the first time she has done this. Just the first time you caught her.
NTA.
Close that account and open one in your name only IMMEDIATELY.
NTA
YTA for waking your mother and all the yelling. NTA for expecting her to replace the money. Open your own account and take care of your own business. Maybe she thought she was entitled to some of the money because you moved back home and they covered medical medical bills? Since you’ve moved home have you had a talk with your parents about financial expectations of living in their house? Open communication and taking care of your own financial obligations with your own account will prevent future surprises. Calm down and move out.
NTA – Get a new, separate bank account (in another bank or credit union) that your mother cannot access. You are an adult and the only reason to have a shared account with anyone would be if they were your spouse or significant other. Your parents don’t need access your money and she has no reason to dip into your money, for any reason.
NTA. She stole from you. Don’t sugar coat it, your Mom is a thief. Being woken up and screamed at was the very least of what she deserved there, she wasn’t entitled to a polite request. Go open a new account at a different bank, and run a check on your credit. Make sure she hasn’t take out any loans or credit cards in your name. Change your email password and protect your phone PIN, take every possible step to make sure she can not access your bank account or personal info.
ESH. Did you get a refund for the summer class your dad paid for? If so, did you keep it or give it back?
Open your own bank account at a completely different bank than the one your parents bank at. You want zero ties between account holders if possible. They’ve already tied your accounts once, I have seen banks make mistakes and allow unauthorized rejoining of accounts that caused headaches for a former co-worker.
You shouldn’t have yelled but I get why you did. I’d panic if $500 disappeared from my account! I’d apologise for yelling but note it was out of alarm/ frustration after discovering money was missing.
Ultimately, your mother acted unreasonably and probably knows it, whether she is willing to admit it or not. She should never have touched your account without asking. And $500 is not a small amount. I also don’t check my accounts for every tiny transaction. I know how much is in there and rely on the fact no one is randomly taking my money — I think that’s pretty normal.
NTA- tick all of your money out of that account first thing tomorrow morning and make your own that does not have your mother as a cosigner. She should not have access to your money.
NTA.
Take your ID to the bank and tell them you want to open a sole account and transfer all fund but $10 from it into the new account. Then go to your school and give them the new individual account number.
Your mom crossed a line. She isn’t using access for emergencies but for daily monitoring and testing. It’s overreach.
NTA.
NTA
Move your money to a different back and change your dispersals.
You are getting good advice to move your money. When you are done, freeze your credit too.
NTA
She’s definitely being inappropriate
I would immediately make your own account she can no longer access your money.
Especially if she’s mad at you for her actions that could have put you in a really bad spot.
NYA but a couple questions: Did your parents pay for anything regarding your previous university that was not refunded to them upon you withdrawing? This refund that went into your account is from a loan you took out and are responsible for, not a Parent Plus loan correct? Do you contribute at home in terms of rent, food and utility expenses, etc?
The answers to these questions would in no way justify your mom taking money from your account without discussing it with you and receiving consent, but they would help understand any potential context a bit more. On Monday, withdraw whatever remains in the account and go in person to a different bank entirely, not just a different branch, and open an account with that money that your mom is not given any access to and never disclose to her how much might be in that account. Once you are confident that your health is stable and you have enough money, move out so that your mom has no leverage or control over your day to day life. If you are not currently working and would be physically able to, I would highly recommend finding at least a part time job to be better able to support yourself independently. Working and full time college can be challenging, but at least for most people when balanced properly it is possible.
On a side note, congratulations on achieving remission and may the time until you can be declared fully cancer free have no unexpected medical bumps in the road. And all the best of luck in finishing college and pursuing your plans and dreams!!
Doesn’t anybody know that “refunds” are usually from over-borrowing loans? Won’t you have to pay that back later? The answer is yes if that was anything other than a grant.
NTA. You need to go open a new bank account in only your name and transfer all your money out of the account your mom has access to.
NTA. Your mom is a thief who doesn’t want you to succeed. No parent who cares would take 500$ from their college age kid.
Also, get your own account.
You need to move your money to your own account and do not give her access any more. Furthermore, everything coming back is intended for you which is why it is going in your account. So you need to tell her if she doesn’t pay it back you will go as legal as you need to, to get it back. Also if you can move out do it asap. Stay with friends or something. She is toxic and trying to steal from her own kid.
She stole from you. NTA. Do not relent until you get the money back. Then, make a new bank account (at a DIFFERENT bank entirely) and transfer it all over. If she’s going to snoop on your spending, and steal from you, she can’t be trusted around your money.
NTA. Please talk to the bank and have your money moved into an individual account that she can’t access. What a violation of your trust. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
NTA. You’re 21 now so close that account and open another one just for you. And yes, she needs to give you those 500 back
NTA. Congratulations on beating cancer and your readmission. Good luck to you.