My partner (M37) and I (F38) have two young kids and we are well and truely in the trenches with our newborn at the moment. Both of us are like ships in the night, barely have time to think or do anything and our routine has been shot to bits managing our newborn.
He has taken on the responsibility of going to the supermarket more these days as he finds the walks enjoyable and takes our toddler out whilst I’m home with the new born.
I sometimes buy myself a coconut water as a treat as I love this one brand. Recently he’s been buying some coconut water for me because he knows I love it.
But when he’s at the shops he grabs the cheapest brand coconut water but I cannot stand the taste of it and have asked him calmly several times to not buy that brand and to please spend the extra dollar to buy the other brand one that I really enjoy. (So back note, my husband is the stingiest cheap scape known to man and he’s actually admitted to me his money saving isn’t normal compared to others. We both have seriously well paying jobs and are not financially stressed at all, he just loves a bargain and buys the no name brand everything alllll the time)
He says he just grabs the one mindlessly and doesn’t mean to upset me but he’s done it 5 or 6 times now, and the last time I didn’t get angry at him I just got him to really focus and explained my frustrations and for him to please stop buying that brand, it tastes gross, its not a treat for me and to please get the other brand that I would occasionally but and he was like yep ofcourse and said he would (like he has every other time, but I thought sortof explaining it more it would sink in) Then today he brought home the shit wee tasting stuff AGAIN and I just lost it. We’ve had a huge weekend, I’m sick and a coconut water would have been the nicest treat for me but bringing home the brand I cannot stand felt like it was the biggest punch in the gut to me. When I saw it, I was literally shook, I just lost it and yelled at him and was like WTF did you buy this shit again and threw the carton in the bin without even opening it. He was like woah woah woah I didn’t do it on purpose. I then yelled what is wrong with you?! Like why do you keep doing this and he just walked out of the room so it ended there.
He got really upset with me and said I’d made him cry by yelling at him and made our toddler upset (cos he got a bit scared when I yelled). The whole thing felt like a complete set up to me and I don’t know after asking 5-6 times previously patiently and calmly how to not get to a point of just cracking up and yelling for him to stop buying that stuff because it feels like a constant reminder of how much he doesn’t care about me after asking him to stop buying it several times.
AITA for yelling? Like what’s going on here??
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My partner (M37) and I (F38) have two young kids and we are well and truely in the trenches with our newborn at the moment. Both of us are like ships in the night, barely have time to think or do anything and our routine has been shot to bits managing our newborn.
He has taken on the responsibility of going to the supermarket more these days as he finds the walks enjoyable and takes our toddler out whilst I’m home with the new born.
I sometimes buy myself a coconut water as a treat as I love this one brand. Recently he’s been buying some coconut water for me because he knows I love it.
But when he’s at the shops he grabs the cheapest brand coconut water but I cannot stand the taste of it and have asked him calmly several times to not buy that brand and to please spend the extra dollar to buy the other brand one that I really enjoy. (So back note, my husband is the stingiest cheap scape known to man and he’s actually admitted to me his money saving isn’t normal compared to others. We both have seriously well paying jobs and are not financially stressed at all, he just loves a bargain and buys the no name brand everything alllll the time)
He says he just grabs the one mindlessly and doesn’t mean to upset me but he’s done it 5 or 6 times now, and the last time I didn’t get angry at him I just got him to really focus and explained my frustrations and for him to please stop buying that brand, it tastes gross, its not a treat for me and to please get the other brand that I would occasionally but and he was like yep ofcourse and said he would (like he has every other time, but I thought sortof explaining it more it would sink in) Then today he brought home the shit wee tasting stuff AGAIN and I just lost it. We’ve had a huge weekend, I’m sick and a coconut water would have been the nicest treat for me but bringing home the brand I cannot stand felt like it was the biggest punch in the gut to me. When I saw it, I was literally shook, I just lost it and yelled at him and was like WTF did you buy this shit again and threw the carton in the bin without even opening it. He was like woah woah woah I didn’t do it on purpose. I then yelled what is wrong with you?! Like why do you keep doing this and he just walked out of the room so it ended there.
He got really upset with me and said I’d made him cry by yelling at him and made our toddler upset (cos he got a bit scared when I yelled). The whole thing felt like a complete set up to me and I don’t know after asking 5-6 times previously patiently and calmly how to not get to a point of just cracking up and yelling for him to stop buying that stuff because it feels like a constant reminder of how much he doesn’t care about me after asking him to stop buying it several times.
AITA for yelling? Like what’s going on here??
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at my partner for buying coconut water, I might be the arsehole as it was an overreaction, and scared our toddler
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Yeah, you’re both exhausted, but if it’s actually happened that many times, there comes a point. Maybe point out to him that he’s actually wasting money instead of saving it by buying something you won’t drink
i would say NTA, cause you did everything i wouldve reminded, talked, reminded again, then got upset I woulda yelled louder than you if someone did that to me and icecream.
Yeah he’s doing it on purpose. He wants to feel like the good buy for buying it but not spend the extra dollar.
He doesn’t like to waste money, so just keep throwing it out. Don’t say thank you. He will eventually either stop buying it or get with the program
try telling him that when he buys the brand you don’t like, he’s wasting money rather than saving it because from now on you will look him in the eye and drop it in the bin unopened as soon as he hands it to you. maybe the idea that his money is going in the garbage will get through.
honestly it sounds like weaponized incompetence except he forgot the ‘well i just won’t do it then’ step.
NTA.
It was an accident – yeah, right. Not when you have said something 6 times already. He needs to read the essay about how she left me over leaving the glass in the sink.
Here is a reddit link to it. I used this one because there is another link to something about the mental load that women carry. That one is good, too.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/gvo0mt/i_just_read_my_wife_divorced_me_because_i_left/
NTA. If he wasn’t holding the toddler or newborn, I might be compelled to lob the crap he keeps buying at his thick friggin’ skull. Seriously, if your preference hasn’t registered with him yet, HE’s the asshole.
ESH I’d be frustrated too. Tell him he’s wasting money being cheap. If he wants to get you a treat, get what you like, cuz you’ll just be throwing away whatever else he brings home. But yelling enough to scare your toddler kinda is an AH move. Though I understand it.
>He was like woah woah woah I didn’t do it on purpose.
Didn’t do it on purpose my ass. You’ve told him several times. You say he has a well paying job, so he can clearly follow directions there. Like if his boss told him, “I need you to call this client at 3” he’d do what the boss said, right? Then he can damn well buy you the right drink. He just doesn’t want to. Edit NTA. Made him cry. Oh boo hoo. He’s made you cry a bunch of times buying you a shitty drink that you didn’t want.
He’s doing it because he wants to force you into accepting the cheaper water.. or even better… go without so he doesn’t have to pay for any at all.
You’ve told him MANY times, and he’s disregarded it MANY times to the point of it being an argument. You say he’s cheap? Then be super passive aggressive, it’ll be great. The next time he buys you the shitty water, which will be the very next time he goes shopping because he’s doing it on purpose… in front of him, make sure he sees… open one up, and poor it right out in the sink. Then open another one up and do it again. Tell him he’s wasting money buying them, and you will not drink the shitty water. You want the specific brand. He needs to be taught a lesson like a child, and wasting his precious money might teach him a lesson.
I would apologize for making him cry and scaring the baby as it want my intention but I WILL throw away every non-brand coconut water he buys. Won’t say anything about it and put it straight in the bin. At some point he will get the message.
This is a really weird micro aggression on his part and you have every right to be pissed.
ESH a bit.
Maybe he has some back story to why he feels like he needs to scrimp and get the best value products, or maybe he doesn’t see any value in the brand names. I’m a bit like that, and don’t see any advantage to buying a named brand over the generic cheaper version – unless we can taste the difference. My default is the best value item within a category. But I’d buy the product that tastes good if I was buying for someone else as a treat. It is frustrating he forgot, or couldn’t override his urge to buy cheap (or maybe he just forgot, because he’s also a tired parent of young kids with other things on his mind).
But it also isn’t good to yell, particularly in front of young children. It changes their brain chemistry in a lasting way if they are exposed to arguing or conflict – especially if it is regular or severe. You also shamed and upset your partner, over something relatively trivial. I get that it was super-annoying, but it doesn’t sound like he did it with the intent to annoy you or do the opposite of what you said, so to see it as “a constant reminder of how much he doesn’t care about me” is pretty extreme.
Nta but I don’t think you should have yelled. That being said you have asked him multiple times to stop getting the cheap brand. You shouldn’t have to tell him 6 times for him to remember. He could easily put a note in his phone of take a picture of the brand you do like to remember.
If you haven’t already, I think you should talk to him about how it makes you feel (once you are both calm of course). It’s not just about the brand of coconut water, it’s about caring enough about you to listen and care about your preferences.
NTA. I mean, you have to start to wonder at this point whether he’s doing it on purpose. But even taking him at his word that it’s accidental: there’s a very high bar to call someone an AH when they have good intentions, but I think this guy cleared it.
NTA. thats called weaponized incompetence and he knew full well all 8 times he did it.
It was an accident the first two times. Now it’s not caring about getting it right. It’s not an extinction level event on its own though. Instacart exists.
Remind him what goes in your body, feeds your newborn.
He is causing his newborn problems not only with the crappy tasting one that you probably won’t drink, but the stress of not being heard can transfer certain hormones in your milk and may make your child extra fussy.
Now that he’s seen his hard earned money thrown away, hopefully he’ll correct it.
NTA
NTA. I’m sorry, if I had to tell the guy six times to buy this specific thing I liked only to ignore me and buy the cheaper one each time I’d lose it too. People only have so much patience.
And he cried over this? Really? 🤦♀️
NTA I would’ve lost my mind about this the second time it happened lol. What is really going on with this man that he chooses to waste money instead of taking a minute and thinking while at the grocery? Does he make a grocery list? Can he be an adult and write it down? Are there other things like this that keep happening?
I think the simple solution here is for you to buy your own coconut water. Then neither of you ends up upset.
It’s Powerplay by your husband. Just have the the coconut water delivered by Uber every day. That will send him over the edge
NTA
It’s purposeful at this point, and you hit your breaking point. It isn’t a treat for you, it’s a test to see how you will react, either that or he is really cheap, and really stupid and really oblivious
Tell him he can turn around and return it.
>cheap scape
… cheapskate.
NTA. Next time it happens, have him dump it down the drain then send him back to get the right one.
NTA
Brand preference is a thing especially when it comes to a treat. While store brands are often just as good or even identical to name brand products, lots of times they are not. For example, none of us can stand Aldi’s version of Cheerios.
We had a similar thing happen once with store brand coffee. Key word being ONCE. I don’t drink coffee so I had no idea there was such a difference. My husband hated it! I never bought it again and stuck to what he actually likes.
You’re not being a name-brand snob. You don’t like the stuff he is buying and have specifically asked him not to buy it because it tastes bad. He keeps doing it anyway.
He is either clueless or passive aggressive and I would have lost it too after so many times of him doing that.
NTA.
Let’s see if he remembers next time though.
Consider having your shopping list in a shared note so you can explicitly state which one it is, hell but a photo of the right one too.
Before he goes to the shop next time, clearly state what you want.
“Please get me the x coconut water. I know we have covered this but I know how easy it is to forget”
If he gets the wrong one again “I’ve explained before I can’t and won’t drink this. I’m genuinely disappointed that you are refusing to get the one, low cost, treat I’ve requested. Don’t buy any coconut water again, I will go and buy it myself”
Let him stay home with the baby and toddler and take yourself to get whatever treats you want. Hell, order it from Amazon or door dash it.
Sure shouting at him way an extreme reaction and likely due to sleep deprivation but completely understandable. I’m annoyed just reading it!
Treat yourself to as much coconut water you can get your hands on. You deserve it.
ESH, but only because you yelled at him in front of your toddler (and I understand why you snapped, I just can’t give you a complete pass on it since it negatively affected a small child). Otherwise it would be a pure N T A.
He’s failing both of your purposes – yours by getting the wrong thing, despite you having explained the problem multiple times, and his own by getting something you won’t drink, which is completely wasting money instead of saving it.
I’d apologise to the toddler for scaring him but that’s it NTA.
He doesn’t care that you don’t like the cheaper one, in his mind there’s not much of a difference and he’s not listing to you when you say there is. I’d never drink the cheap one again and order the good one online to be delivered. It’ll cost more than if he just bought it at the shop, but that’s not your problem.
If he does it again, have him return it to the store and get the correct one. That will teach him.
NTA. It is a joyous, but difficult time in your family. You can always keep dumping what he buys into the trash, but you still don’t have what you want. Is there someone else you can call to pick it up for you? He keeps saying he doesn’t do it on purpose, but I don’t quite buy that. If he literally cannot buy any name brand to the point his mind keeps him from it, he needs help psychologically because it has become a huge problem between the two of you during a time when that is the last thing you need.
YTA. There’s clearly something More wrong at foot than the water. Don’t yell to the point family members are crying. If it’s such a big deal just get it delivered
NTA- that is the most frustrating thing. Order a case of water to be delivered to the house. Also, be mindful when your kids are around yelling gives them anxiety.
NTA and not only would I throw out the unwanted water but I would then Instacart the water I wanted.
5-6 times is a lot… my partner always gets me the brand I like or a new brand that he may think I like. Sometimes he will doubt himself and buy both brands just in case. He might just be being a cheapskate
I hear you. I recently started the Mediterranean diet and I asked my husband, who usually does the shopping, to get me some extra virgin olive oil. I didn’t specify but I thought he could make a quality choice since we both enjoy food and cooking shows…. He came home with Kroger extra-virgin olive oil, in a plain pedestrian looking bottle! I was aghast, and started to protest the minute I pulled it out of the bag, but I was just….stunned that he would think it was ok. I felt absurdly disappointed and he was a bit defensive and for a week after one or the other of us would keep bringing up the subject of olive oil. He announced that in a taste test, half of the tasters said Kroger evoo was acceptable! I said it’s a blend, low quality, and this isn’t even a cool-looking bottle! I was just weirdly upset by the whole thing. It lives in the cupboard now.
Yes, he did do it on purpose. NTA. He shouldn’t be the one to take the nice walk if he can’t be bothered to actually buy the list.
NTA. Order it off Amazonian have it delivered or leave him home with the kids and you get out for a bit and do the shopping. He’s inconsiderate AF and his tears were weaponized to make you feel guilty.
Whenever I see posts like this I always think the partner secretly hates OP. NTA at all, just something to think about …
Have the correct brand delivered at twice the cost and keep doing that until he buys the right brand.
NTA. I was living with a chronic cheapskate who weaponized incompetence, and my life improved exponentially once I got rid of him.
NTA He’s doing it on purpose so set up a delivery service
NTA He did do it on purpose. Next time silently open the carton and pour the whole thing down the sink in front of him. Don’t say a word. Then give him the baby while you DoorDash a single item – branded coconut water. Watch him go craaaaazy.
ESH – Apparently Perth has several grocery delivery options, and you have disposable income. Get your own coconut water. As a bonus, when he realizes you’re “wasting” money for a delivery fee to get it his miserly ways might make him start remembering to buy the right brand.
Weaponized incompetence
NTA – but either make him take it back to the store for a refund every time or stand there and pour it down the sink every time until he gets it through his head that he’s not saving money if he buys you something that you will not drink.
NTA at all. No way is he accidentally doing something 5-6 times. I would apologize for making him cry but not back down. You are his wife and the mother of his children, he can but the fn brand name.
he’s wasting more money buying a drink you won’t use. NTA. Maybe use that argument next time too.
He’s the father of your children and you made him cry because you didn’t like the brand of his nice gesture?
People matter, not stuff. YTA
You shouldn’t have yelled, but yeah he’s definitely showing a lack of care or consideration for you by messing this up this many times.
Could you start ordering grocery delivery?
Stock a huge pile of the correct brand. It isn’t worth fighting over and you can afford it. Sometimes, it’s worth fighting over. This isn’t it
Weaponized incompetence. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
Why not have it delivered?
No, either he is not listening when you speak to him about it or he’s got an OCD compulsion to buy the cheapest stuff, no matter what you say. Look him dead in the eye and say “this isn’t funny, it isn’t loving and it isn’t generous. Now after multiple serious conversations where I have told you exactly what I want, why and how it makes me feel when you disregard me, you’ve done it again. The gesture is in fact worse bc it underscores you are either unwilling or incapable of listening to me, remembering what I have said or respecting my wishes. I would at this point, rather have no coconut water than this piss. And if you do it one more time, I am going to insist you either sleep on the couch or I will immediately go to a hotel and maybe the shock of that will be enough for you to remember to not buy me this ever again.”
NTA. He knows what he’s doing, and he’s doing it on purpose.
NTA.
Ew. Coconut water tastes like semen if it’s not good.
Tell him that.
Did you write it down in a note? Text it to him while he’s out?
He thinks you’ll start to like the cheap brand. Pour it into the sink in front of him every time
Throw the cheap crap in the trash, subscribe to an auto delivery of the stuff you like from Amazon or an equivalent service.
I also have a cheap husband who needlessly buys trash groceries. But he listens when I tell him what brand to buy. If your cheap husband doesn’t like your solution then you know he is doing this on purpose.
NAH
NTA
If I’m reading this correctly he has never once purchased the correct brand? This is not accidental and you should not apologise to your husband. NTA
NTA I woulda thrown it straight out the first time. You don’t have to consume things you don’t like.
Throwing it away and yelling at him seems calm. Postpartum I would have either thrown it at him or emptied it over his head. NTA.
NTA
He’s doing it on purpose. No one is confusing RC Cola for Coke. It’s some power trip game.
Just order your treat off a delivery app.
Some people just can’t escape their cheapness. Kidding aside, even though your husband has a well-paying job now doesn’t mean he hasn’t had to deal with some kind of financial hardship in his life that’s make him hyper-frugal. It also could be that he simply doesn’t think there’s a difference and why should he spend another dollar for what is, in his mind anyway, the same thing? Even though you’ve made it clear it’s NOT the same, and is in fact worse.
You’ve been sick, you both are probably sleep deprived, and you’re dealing with a newborn and a toddler. I would apologize for yelling because it scared your kid, but otherwise, NTA. Going forward, make it easier on yourself and just order the brand you want in bulk and have it delivered. Sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns to get what you really want.
YTA- this is not a yelling situation. Especially in front of your kids. Your husband clearly has mental health issues that he has admitted to you. It took my mother 50 years to remember that my brother likes peas and he never screamed at her about it. Consider couple’s counseling and/or grocery delivery service for your coconut water that you never even asked him for in the first place.
NTA, I would throw the unopened package away in front of him every time he brings it home. This will make a skinflint crazy. Better to not have it at all if he can’t get it right. I’d be tempt to start subbing something for him to bring the point home. A blow up doll perhaps?
NTA. He doesn’t care about your well being, he just wants to be cheap and save money even if he knows this upset you. You did good by throwing that to the garbage.
I would probably just buy you a coconut. If you can’t drink that, then you don’t actually like coconut water, you like this one specific formulation that they call ‘coconut water’.
NTA. Been in similar situation with partner. I feel your pain. This has happened constantly to me. (Is it a man-thing?)
u/Acrobatic-Employ3942 , this might help:
SOLUTION: THIS is the only thing that has worked for me.
STEP 1. take screenshots of product on supermarket website /online shopping site. Clear picture plus brand name in writing.
STEP 2. Send in text message or Whatsapp to partner as he leaves to go to shop.
STEP 3 Phone him. Tell him to check his messages. That’s what you want. No substitutes accepted.
Occassionally might need to add something like:
“No correspondence will be entered into”. 🤣🤣 Don’t come home without it. This is not rocket science
Somehow this actually works.
Might need to forward it on a regular basis though in case he forgets what it looks like or goes into robotic “grab the cheapest” mode.
1.)We have discussed this multiple times IN DETAIL.
2.) Here is a PHOTO OF WHAT I NEED. ONLY THIS! (Text with photo or give an empty container.)
3.) Please take this back and EXCHANGE IT for what I asked for/needed you to bring me.
That being said, if you’re feeling sick, be cranky if you want to, ESPECIALLY if this has been going on for a long time.
NTA.
ETA: Not cool to upset the kiddo, but you’re only human and you’re sick.
NTA. Lucky you didn’t knock him in the head with the cheap, crappy, coconut water!!
NTA at this point he’s doing it in purpose
Imma go against the grain here and say that I think you were right to yell. You asked politely multiple times and were completely ignored. Oftentimes everyone ignores mom until she loses her shit.
Also him saying that he didn’t “do it on purpose” is a bullshit excuse. Like how often does he accidently bump a shelf and have items fall into his cart that he then pays for? Probably never. People very rarely buy things accidently. Especially not people who are frugal and like to save. He’s definitely buying it on purpose. If he can remember that you like coconut water then he can remember the brand. And if he really can’t remember he can do what most spouses do and call their spouse to confirm. I’m pretty particular about my creamer and my husband FaceTime me when he’s in the dairy isle.
Get it delivered. Take out the middle man. Hubby
NTA
get your favorite delivered and coerce him into trying both when he buys the wrong the next time..When he insist the cheap one is great makr him drink the whole thing…I know this is not an adult yaaaawn talking-therapy-solution, its the learning by experience-solution.
Sounds a bit like weaponized incompetence.
But have you told him how much money he is wasting??? Frugal people don’t like wasting money.
I’m a bit like you, where beef is concerned. I don’t love it as a group, but I love tenderloin. So once every 2 years I buy a whole tenderloin and butcher it myself. It costs a small fortune, but the yield is great, and I have it infrequently. Saves so much money in the long run.
He did it on purpose.
I would immediately tell him he is no longer purchasing groceries for the household. I would place an online order of the most expensive brand of every single item ordered and when it arrives I would be busy with the baby and he could put the groceries away.
Every time it comes in the house, immediately hold it over the trash can and say, “That $1 you saved just cost you $5!” And drop it in the trash.
NTA – get it delivered.
Grocery stores offer delivery.
Tell him you have decided to save money by getting what you need delivered so that he does not inadvertently waste any more money by buying the wrong thing.
NTA – It isn’t about coconut water. This is about him not caring enough to get you something that would make you happy. In fact, going so far to get you something he knows will make you feel neglected, I heard and ultimately annoyed. It’s weaponised incompetence and you were absolutely right to express yourself in that moment.
Poor ickle hubby, had a cry because he felt so hurt….nope!!!! He’s done that on purpose to make you feel even worse.
I’d be having a serious conversation with him about the deeper issues here, and put him on notice that you’re not going to live your life with someone who doesn’t care about you enough to do something so small.
NTA
I don’t think yelling is a good solution but I can see why you’re so frustrated. When someone doesn’t listen to us we naturally want to yell.
Tell him if he gets the crappy brand again you will pour it out without drinking it. If he’s really into saving money and avoiding waste that might send the message.
Yelling wasn’t necessary. Just don’t drink it and make fun of him for burning money. Then go buy a stash for yourself when you get the chance. Your NTA because you didn’t have thought out reactions to work with. You WBTA if this is how you confront him from now on.