For context, I (25f) live with my aunt (50), uncle (34) (technically my uncle in law) and his younger sister (20). My uncle is not biologically related to me. He married my aunt, so he’s basically my uncle in law. Let’s call his sister Anna. Anna recently moved in with us about a month ago, and let’s just say, me and my aunt have just about had enough. We’re not sure if Anna has severe ADD/ADHD or not, but we tell her multiple times a day how to do simple tasks around the house (how to put the dishes away in our dishwasher properly, how to properly clean the bathroom that me and her share, we also tell her not to leave dirty dishes/dishes with half-eaten food in her room because of bugs). However, no matter how many times we tell her to do something right, it’s like she just completely disregards what we say every time. My uncle babies her and it seems to me that in his eyes, she can do no wrong. What’s been making me mad lately though is that for the past few times she’s done something wrong, she’ll try and blame me for it. 2 days ago, I was using our bathroom, and the sink would not drain at all. I took out the plug and there was a long, giant clump of hair that had been clogging the drain, and this hair definitely wasn’t mine. I called Anna into the bathroom and she tried to say it wasn’t her because “her hair isn’t black”. The hair was literally a lighter brown color, and was basically the same color as her hair. I never rinse hair down the sink, and I always throw it in the trash. That was actually the second time the sink had been clogged. When I was in my room working on my laptop on that same day as well, my aunt came into the bathroom and apparently saw that there was water everywhere, all over the sink counter, and on the floor, and it hadn’t been dried up. She called Anna into the bathroom and Anna tried saying that I had done it, but my aunt told her that she knew it was her because I had been working for the past 3 hours and at that point I hadn’t used the bathroom yet (I work from home). On top of that, that night, she had made a pizza, put all the pans that she had taken out of the oven before preheating it onto the kitchen counters and never put them back in after the oven had cooled back down and my uncle asked me if I had done it. He then asked Anna, and of course, she denied it.
There’s a whole lot more to her that we’ve been fed up about that I can’t put into one post, but yesterday, me and my aunt hit our breaking point because Anna yet again tried blaming me for something she did and we both yelled at her how she never listens to instructions. My uncle tried to deflect the argument and tried to defend Anna, and Anna started crying a little bit, at which point me and my aunt eased up a bit on her, but AITA for yelling at her because of repeatedly getting blamed for stuff she does wrong?
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For context, I (25f) live with my aunt (50), uncle (34) (technically my uncle in law) and his younger sister (20). My uncle is not biologically related to me. He married my aunt, so he’s basically my uncle in law. Let’s call his sister Anna. Anna recently moved in with us about a month ago, and let’s just say, me and my aunt have just about had enough. We’re not sure if Anna has severe ADD/ADHD or not, but we tell her multiple times a day how to do simple tasks around the house (how to put the dishes away in our dishwasher properly, how to properly clean the bathroom that me and her share, we also tell her not to leave dirty dishes/dishes with half-eaten food in her room because of bugs). However, no matter how many times we tell her to do something right, it’s like she just completely disregards what we say every time. My uncle babies her and it seems to me that in his eyes, she can do no wrong. What’s been making me mad lately though is that for the past few times she’s done something wrong, she’ll try and blame me for it. 2 days ago, I was using our bathroom, and the sink would not drain at all. I took out the plug and there was a long, giant clump of hair that had been clogging the drain, and this hair definitely wasn’t mine. I called Anna into the bathroom and she tried to say it wasn’t her because “her hair isn’t black”. The hair was literally a lighter brown color, and was basically the same color as her hair. I never rinse hair down the sink, and I always throw it in the trash. That was actually the second time the sink had been clogged. When I was in my room working on my laptop on that same day as well, my aunt came into the bathroom and apparently saw that there was water everywhere, all over the sink counter, and on the floor, and it hadn’t been dried up. She called Anna into the bathroom and Anna tried saying that I had done it, but my aunt told her that she knew it was her because I had been working for the past 3 hours and at that point I hadn’t used the bathroom yet (I work from home). On top of that, that night, she had made a pizza, put all the pans that she had taken out of the oven before preheating it onto the kitchen counters and never put them back in after the oven had cooled back down and my uncle asked me if I had done it. He then asked Anna, and of course, she denied it.
There’s a whole lot more to her that we’ve been fed up about that I can’t put into one post, but yesterday, me and my aunt hit our breaking point because Anna yet again tried blaming me for something she did and we both yelled at her how she never listens to instructions. My uncle tried to deflect the argument and tried to defend Anna, and Anna started crying a little bit, at which point me and my aunt eased up a bit on her, but AITA for yelling at her because of repeatedly getting blamed for stuff she does wrong?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at Anna because she keeps blaming me for stuff she does wrong. I think this might make me the asshole because I made her cry.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. She’s an adult, not a kid. Forget ADHD for a second, everyone knows you don’t leave food in your room, flood the bathroom, or clog the sink and then blame someone else. That’s not forgetfulness, that’s immaturity. Your uncle’s enabling her, and that’s why nothing changes
This sounds extreme, but we did this when there was food going missing in the communal fridge when I lived with several people. We wanted to stop blaming each other and feeling paranoid that stuff we spent money on would just disappear. So we installed a security camera in the kitchen and found out this guy who worked night shifts at a pub down the road was the one taking our stuff. He was going to the fridge at 3am and picking whatever he liked. Nobody ever saw him because he’s nocturnal. But it was proof that we weren’t to blame, and we got the guy kicked out.
I say it’s extreme because installing a camera can make people get defensive, and obviously installing one in the bathroom is too far. But my point is, perhaps there’s some way you can prove you’re not doing these things. Failing that, it should be as simple as – these issues weren’t happening until she moved in. In other words, someone disrupting the peace and then crying as emotional manipulation…that’s all on her.
NTA. While yelling may seem a bit excessive, it’s not as if this is the first time and you’re having an over-the-top reaction; this is the result of months/years of her ineptitude and your UiL giving her a free pass to carry on like this, and you understandably reaching your limit. While we do have to be patient with neurodivergent individuals and understand how this may require a bit of flexibility and understanding from everyone, it is not a reason to absolve them of basic living etiquette.
NTA, she’s a grown ass adult, and your uncle in law needs to lay down the law.
Someone, let’s say, your Aunt, should have a serious talk w/her husband. Surely he can recognize that these things were not happening before his sister moved in, and now they are. Right? Doesn’t he know her well enough to know that she DOES lie about things to keep from getting in trouble? If she really is making your living situation miserable, I don’t know what to say. Find some friends, or a friend, and move out. THEN your uncle-in-law with know for sure that you weren’t lying because the problems will continue….
Your aunt needs to have conversation with your uncle in law. To have moved from simply ignoring directions to lying about it is a pretty major progression and things and it’s only going to get worse. You might wanna start looking for a new home now.
NTA. Blame shifting and messes are house rule problems, not mysteries. Stop arguing in the moment and start documenting. Post clear chores on the fridge, assign spaces, set consequences for misses, and have your uncle own his guest’s messes. If he will not, charge a cleaner fee or separate bathrooms and kitchen privileges. Boundaries beat yelling.